Rakes and Radishes (13 page)

As if realizing she was being watched, she turned her head and her eyes met his. Kesseley held her gaze, daring her to give him that false smile of hers. She whispered something to her friends and they broke into giggles.

He ground his molars together.
To hell with them!

He grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing footman to steel himself. He longed to go back to the safety of the card room, but forced himself to stay in the deep cold waters of the ballroom until he danced with at least one lady who wasn’t Henrietta. Over the edge of his wine glass, he scanned the room for this kind, compassionate angel, only to come face to face with Edward.

Without Lady Sara at his side, he seemed a little more sheepish. He cautiously approached and bowed. “Good evening, Lord Kesseley.”

Kesseley nodded.

“Sporting a hairstyle, heh?” He chuckled. Kesseley didn’t laugh. He took another sip and looked over Edward’s shoulders at the dancers.

Edward still dangled about despite the cold reception, as if he wanted to say something, but couldn’t. He spotted Lady Sara and his face flushed. “Isn’t she magnificent?”

“In some aspects.”

“I wanted to know. Is Henrietta—”

“Miss Watson,” Kesseley corrected him.

“Is
Cousin
Henrietta really your mama’s companion? Is she staying at your London home?”

“Yes.”

Edward bit down on his index finger, some anxious thought creasing his face. “I’m going to visit her. Tomorrow. I just wanted to know, is she very hurt? Does she think I’m a blackguard?” He seemed truly concerned, yet at the same time, somewhat flattered to have broken a heart.

“You are a blackguard.”

Edward paused. “Oh. I understand.”

“Really, astound me. What do you understand?”

“Everyone knows you’ve loved Henrietta forever.”

It was difficult not to draw the prig’s cork right there. “You are mistaken.”

“No, I’m not. I know you don’t like me, and I can guess why.”

Kesseley wished he had the perfect hurtful response, like a knife to Edward’s gut. But he wasn’t the poet and remained stupidly silent.

Edward, having won, continued. “I would like it if you were there after I visit. Because you care about her.”

“And you don’t.”

“Bloody hell!”

“Edward, I know you’re a poet and you exist in a higher plane than the rest of us, but let me explain a basic law of science—for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You must expect and accept the consequence of your doings. I will not clean up your mess. Good evening!”

He headed for the ballroom door, not sure where he was going, just as long as it was away from Edward. A gentleman hurrying out of the room bumped into Kesseley’s shoulder, causing Kesseley’s champagne to slosh onto his coat.

Kesseley recognized the reprobate who had ogled his mother the other evening at Lady Huntly’s ball. The man eyed Kesseley for a moment and then bowed. “My apologies, Lord Kesseley,” he said and then continued on without introducing himself.

Kesseley flicked the champagne off his coat, watching the scoundrel as he nodded to the host and then took the stairs two at a time to the upper story. He stopped at the balcony and turned to look down at Kesseley. Their eyes locked for a moment and then the man disappeared behind the columns.

“Lord Kesseley, you are not dancing!” The smiling host approached, relieved of his duty by the door.

“I say, who was that gentleman you just passed?”

“Sir Gilling,” he said in a low, disapproving voice. “From my wife’s side of the family.”

“What do you know about him?”

The man stretched his neck to the left and tugged at his cravat, visibly uncomfortable. “Gilling’s wife is from a rich family in Bristol who made their wealth in West African trade. He leaves her in the country while he spends her fortune on horses, gambling and the—” he cleared his throat, “—usual pleasures of such men.”

Kesseley nodded, understanding all too well what those “usual pleasures” entailed.

“Now I must find you a dancing partner,” the host continued. “Can’t have an eligible
parti
standing about at my ball. Ah, there is one of my nieces. She’s a sweet one. May I present her to you?” He gestured to a girl with straight brown hair, a plain face and a thin figure. She stood alone, appearing as miserable as Kesseley felt.

She could be nice, he thought. “Please.”

The lady’s features tensed with panic when she saw Kesseley approaching with her uncle.

“Ah, Miss Isabelle. May I present Lord Kesseley as an excellent dance partner?”

She let out a shrill humming sound and glanced at Lady Sara, who sat with her friends, making little attempt to rein in their laughter.

“Thank you, but—but—I have a partner for the next dance,” she stammered, a terrible liar.

“Then perhaps the next one,” her uncle urged.

“I’m sorry, but I-I can’t!” she said and then fled.

Kesseley bit the edge of his tongue, his hands shaking from either humiliation or rage, he wasn’t sure.

“It’s her mother, bad blood that side, hasn’t taught her manners.” His host blustered, embarrassed. “Never mind her, I’m sure I’ve another niece or cousin around somewhere.” He twisted about, desperate.

Kesseley laid an arm on his shoulder. “Do not bother, sir, thank you.” He bowed and quit the room, feeling everyone’s eyes on him, or at least thinking everyone’s eyes were on him. Outside the ballroom, he looked up to see his mother’s elegant figure vanish behind the columns on the upper floor balcony. Alone.

Kesseley went downstairs because if he went upstairs, he might kill someone, and if he went in the card room he might kill himself. Below, beyond a little parlor where several matrons sat comparing debutantes, was an oval library—shelves reaching to the ceiling, leather chairs, dark and so quiet one could hear the hiss of the coals in the fire. There he joined several other gentlemen, all sitting about, not talking, waiting out the night. He outlasted them all. When the little mechanical hands on the clock pointed to one-thirty he was the only one left. The rest had gathered their wives, daughters, and sons and gone home.

At the doorway, the profile of a petite female appeared. Henrietta stepped forward, her face coming into the light. It was brittle, hurt. “Kesseley?” she whispered.

He couldn’t take anymore. “Edward is here. I know. So is Lady Sara. If you’re going to cry, please go elsewhere. I’m quite at my emotional edge tonight,” he barked.

She was silent, her usual topic of conversation removed. She sat in the chair before him, clasping her hands between her knees.

“I didn’t see you in the ballroom,” she said. “Why aren’t you dancing?”

“I can’t dance.”

“Can’t dance? Of course, you can. I have danced with you many times.”

“I broke a young lady’s toe last night.”

“You didn’t!” Henrietta let out a tiny giggle, then another and another, like raindrops before the downpour, until her whole body shook with laughter. “You have to admit, it’s rather funny.”

“I’m glad you find amusement in my humiliation.”

Henrietta stopped laughing. “I can’t do anything right, can I? What will make you happy? Tell me what to do.”

“You could leave me alone.” His words sounded harsh even to himself.

She rubbed her tiny ruby pendant. “When did you become so mean?”

He felt like a louse, but he wasn’t going to apologize. Not anymore.

She left her chair and knelt by him. The firelight flickered on her pale skin. “Come dance with me, Kesseley. Edward’s here and—”

“And?”

“And I want you to dance with me.”

“I can’t.”

“I don’t care if you step on my toe,” she assured him.

Kesseley sighed and put his hands on hers. “Toes aside, I can’t dance with you anymore.”

“You’re just going to sit here in the darkness and be miserable. How will you find a wife this way?”

“I can’t get a wife. You were right. About my clothes, my manners. Me. They laugh at me.”

Her eyebrows shot down and her eyes turned fierce. “Who laughed at you?”

He pulled away from her, wishing he hadn’t been so weak. “Forget it.”

“Who?”

“What are you going to do, challenge them to a duel?”

“I might. Ladies in Norfolk are backwards, you know.” She laughed, inviting him to join. He didn’t.

“I think it best if you just leave,” he said.

She reached for him again. “Kesseley—”

“Please leave.”

She hesitated, then rose. She paused at the doorframe, looked over her shoulder at him and then disappeared into the corridor. Kesseley felt so damned pathetic. He sank his face into his hands.

Not a minute later, she returned and came to stand before the fire. Her hands were clenched at her sides. “It’s true,” she said. “I did ask you to dress better and change your manners, and I said all sorts of horrid things. I regret every one of them. And if you want to sit in the dark and be alone and sad, I won’t stop you. But you are the most handsome man here, by far the kindest and the gentlest. And those ladies in that ballroom should be so lucky if you asked them to dance.”

“I might have believed you had I not known Edward was here.”

“You know, sometimes I wish—”

“Wish what?” he shouted, bolting from his chair. “That I was the gothic hero of those novels of yours, so I could sweep Lady Sara away and Edward would come crawling back begging for—”

“I wish that I loved you instead of Edward!”

Kesseley’s heart felt like it dropped several stories and hit the hard ground. He’d never thought Henrietta could be so cruel.

“Leave,” he growled.

Henrietta sat at her desk in her morning dress, her pen poised over the letter to her father. So far, she had written one sentence:
London is very exciting.

She had run out of good things to say, although she could pen volumes describing the heart-crushing pain of watching Edward and Lady Sara dance. Henrietta had won eight straight rubbers that evening. London matrons and gentlemen loved her, yet it couldn’t compare to the adoration in Edward’s eyes when he gazed upon Lady Sara.

Then Kesseley wouldn’t talk to her.

That was the cruelest cut.

The weather has been nice,
she wrote.

She could hear Kesseley shuffling about in his chamber. She tiptoed to their mutual wall, placing her ear to the plaster. She could make out scraping feet and murmuring voices. She had seen only the smallest glimpse of his room, through a cracked door—glossy heavy mahogany furniture and dark walls. Men’s chambers reminded her of those dark German forests in fairy tales where secrets were hidden amongst the overgrown thickets. Mysteries ladies learned upon the initiation of becoming a wife.

***

She heard his door close and she rushed to hers, opening it.

He wore his old greatcoat. Rather hostile eyes glared at her from under his beaver hat.

“Were you waiting on me?” he said, almost accusingly.

“No,” she said, feeling telltale splotches breaking out on her cheeks. “Did you sleep well?” The image of him sleeping in that large mahogany bed only deepened her spots.

“Well enough.”

“I would like to go to the park this morning. Would you care to join me?”

“Sorry, I have some appointments to keep. Please enjoy yourself.” He made a quick bow and then headed for the stairs.

“But wait,” she called after him. “Where are you going?”

“Is it important to you?”

Henrietta blinked. “No.” She took a few steps down, until they were eye to eye. “I just wanted to talk about last night.”

“I don’t,” he said, continuing down the stairs. “And if you must know, I am going to Gentleman Jackson’s boxing parlor.”

Samuel ran up to Henrietta, tongue out, his thick tail whacking the steps. Henrietta sat and gave Samuel’s ears a nice rub.

Kesseley paused at the landing and adjusted his hat. “Oh yes, your dearest Edward is coming for a visit today,” he said and then continued downstairs. She heard the front door close.

She pulled herself up by the baluster and clung to it for fear she would fall down the stairs. Her insides ached, as if she had a fever, although she was perfectly well. If only she were sick and had to stay in bed. Perhaps she could conveniently die.

“Miss Watson, is that you? Please come. I have something for you,” Lady Kesseley called from below.

The parlor was unmercifully bright. Happy little rainbows of colors bounced off the crystal chandelier and onto the walls. Lady Kesseley worked on her morning correspondences at her desk. She held out an opened letter in her hand and said, “It’s for you. I accidentally opened it. He is quite an ardent suitor, your Mr. Van Heerlen.”

Henrietta took it and rubbed the letter with her thumb, trying to smooth out the wrinkled and bent edges.

“What’s the matter?” Lady Kesseley asked.

“Kesseley informed me Edward was coming to visit.” Tears began to trickle from her eyes.

Lady Kesseley’s reaction surprised her. “Let us leave,” she said. “We shall go to the shops.”

Henrietta wiped her eyes. “I want to—I do—but I have to find out what happened. Even if it destroys my heart, I have to know.”

She thought Lady Kesseley would be happy to see her so humiliated. Instead, Kesseley’s mother put a kind hand on Henrietta’s arm. “I shall wait with you.”

She sat beside her on the sofa for twenty angst-ridden minutes. Though they didn’t speak, Henrietta had to admit that it felt nice to have her there, like a pretend mother.

The anticipation was painful. Henrietta’s thoughts rushed about her head, frantically lifting up the letter to her father…the conversation with Kesseley on the stairs…the dress she’d chosen this morning, looking for those misplaced words she wanted to say to Edward. The perfect ones she had composed late in the night, as she stared up at the curtains above her bed. Succinct, beautiful words, capable of changing Edward’s mind. She was still searching when Boxly opened the door and let Edward inside.

Lady Kesseley squeezed Henrietta’s fingers and rose to greet him. Henrietta could barely manage to stand, holding on to the edge of the sofa. She murmured, “Good morning.”

Edward looked so handsome, wearing a forest-green coat matching his lovely eyes. His cheeks were flush, and his dark curls hung loose and free about his forehead, as if he had just finished an exhilarating gallop.

The smile he wore for Lady Kesseley disappeared when he looked at Henrietta. His jaw tensed and he swallowed, looking very much like a patient under the surgeon’s waiting knife.

“Do you want me to stay?” Lady Kesseley asked Henrietta.

Henrietta shook her head.

She left, looking over her shoulder at Henrietta. “I shall be outside.”

Edward set down his hat and smiled sheepishly, as if he were not sure where to start. “Cousin Henrietta,” he said. “You look lovely.”

“And you look handsome. But then, you always have,” Henrietta conceded.

He nodded in a determined fashion. “I apologize if I seemed surprised meeting you in the park. I hadn’t expected to see you, of course. I—”

She held up her hand before his face in an effort to stop such senseless words. “I just want to know. Did you ever love me? Truly?”

He took a deep, uneven breath. “Everything was so different back in Ely. I thought that I had all I would ever have. Then my poetry got published, and I came to London and—I don’t think you will understand—but I feel like me, the real me.” He held his hands to his chest. “My poetry, my life, everything has changed. It’s like I’m alive. Don’t you feel it?”

Her throat burned. “I’ve never seen you so happy,” she admitted.

“Yes! So you see, I’m who I wanted to be, finally. I thought it wasn’t possible, that we had to live the life doled out to us. And we don’t—I don’t! And I can’t go back. The thought terrifies me. I can’t be that man stuck in Ely, looking out at endless fields of sheep and cows, everything real about me reduced to a few lines on a piece of paper.”

“What about me? I thought the same things, wanted the same things. Do you think I am so happy with the life I have inherited? Caring for my father, waiting on the mail, living my life in gothic novels,” she cried. “We dreamed together. It was supposed to be us living in that townhome in London. I can be part of London, too. I’ve been invited to ever so many parties. We can—”

“I love another. Truly love, deeper than I thought imaginable. If you could only feel the same, you would understand that nothing that came before can hold any sway to it. It consumes me, impassions me.”

“You can’t just forget the past!”

“But you can. You have to.”

“I wish I could put my feelings for you in some box and forget about them! Is it really that easy?” she yelled, cringing at the echo of her own voice, stringent and hurt. She spun around, hiding herself from him. “You were my dream, Edward. And you let me dream it. You have to take some responsibility for my hurt.”

“Fine. I will admit that I may have encouraged you. And I am sorry for the feelings or intentions you have harbored. But I didn’t ask you to marry me. I cannot be held accountable for something I didn’t do.”

Henrietta bit down on her trembling lips, her eyes growing hot. Edward put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to him, until she could see his face.

“You were always so beautiful when you were sad.” He wiped a tear before it fell. “I do care for you, Henrietta. I always will in my memories. You were the first person I gave my poems to. Do you remember outside church that Sunday? You were the first to believe in me, and I will cherish that, faithful Henrietta.”

He hadn’t answered her question. “Did you ever love me?”

“No,” he whispered.

“Perhaps you should leave now.”

But he didn’t, he just tightened his hold on her arms. “I know I have no right to ask, but I hope I may count you among my cherished friends.”

Henrietta nodded, unable to speak.

He took her hand and kissed it, then retrieved his hat and paused at the door, giving her a soft smile. “Goodbye.”

And then he was gone.

Henrietta stumbled, catching the marble mantel and leaning her head against the cold stone. She felt Lady Kesseley’s hands on her back, trying to comfort her.

“We are but friends,” Henrietta whispered. “Please, I want to be alone.”

If only she could walk sixty miles back to the Great Ouse River and watch the water flow by under the heavy oak branches. Perhaps Kesseley would sit beside her, in his old muddy clothes, and talk to her again.

Instead, she would have to settle for the grimy Serpentine and a footman, for Lady Kesseley wouldn’t let Henrietta go alone for fear some scary man might take advantage of her.

And there was, of course, Samuel.

So a skinny, red-headed footman, no taller than Henrietta, was summoned and given a leash. He would be no match for the hound, Henrietta thought. But the moment Samuel bolted for an odiferous mounting block, the footman yanked the leash and ordered him to stay in a deep voice. Samuel sat, making it abundantly clear he had no respect for Henrietta.

The park didn’t turn out to be the place of quietness and reflection she had hoped. It was a rare cloudless day in London. The sun beamed down on the city and the
ton
came out like new spring growth to bask in it. Henrietta recognized faces from the previous nights. Suddenly she felt awkward walking to the park with just a servant.

Instead they headed north on Park Lane. A whole street of mounting blocks Samuel hadn’t sniffed. They entered the park near Grosvenor Street where the beautiful green trees arced protectively over the path. Around her, children played on the grass, running and laughing, while middling husbands and wives sat on blankets and ate from baskets. Their happiness only made her sadness more pronounced, so she hurried along.

Finding no unoccupied bench by the Serpentine, Henrietta sat in the grass under a quadrangle of trees. The footman took Samuel to the water’s edge so that he might bark at the swans and test his paws in the water. Her whole body ached as if she had been beaten with boards.
I do care for you, Henrietta,
Edward had said.

You just don’t impassion me, consume me,
Henrietta added.
You are as dull as an ewe chomping the grass in one of Kesseley’s fields. You are everything I despise.

It felt as if Edward had reached inside her heart, yanking out all her soft memories and yearnings and then tossing them aside.

Like you tossed aside Kesseley?
that cruel little voice added.

Henrietta winced, feeling she could sink from the layers of emotions weighing her down. This had been a horrible trip! She wished Edward and Lady Sara had made it to Gretna Greene, for there would have been nothing she could have done about it. It would have been done, a clean and fast sever with a sharp blade. Kesseley would have gone to London and found a wife, with no further guilt on her part. And she would be at home, entertaining Mr. Van Heerlen, receiving the affections she once thought so vile.

But that was before she really knew Mr. Van Heerlen. Before the vulnerable look in his eyes the morning he asked for her hand.

She opened her reticule and dug out his letter.

My Dearest Miss Watson,

It has been a week since you have left, and I admit you fill my thoughts constantly, for I have only the possessions you have left behind to comfort me. In the evenings, when the work is done, I persuade your father to tell me stories of young Henrietta.

I worry for such a pure, untouched young woman in the lecherous streets of London, and wish I could be there to protect you.

Your father’s work dazzles me. How such genius could go undiscovered for so long baffles me. I feel like I have discovered some treasure and I agonize whether I should give him to the world or hoard and protect him. It is hard for brilliant men in the world—as I have learned—for so much is wanted from you, so much pressure, always more questions to answer. Especially for your father and myself, on the brink of greatness. My impatience grows, yet I work calculation and calculation until we are certain.

I only hope that my endeavor will win the favor of a most endearing young lady and that she will hold my hand in this step into history.

Pieter Van Heerlen

PS: Your father would like to know where you put his blue knitted nightcap.

She read the letter again, letting her fingers linger on the lines. It felt nice to be wanted, like beckoning her in from her emotional snowstorm to a roaring fire and blanket.

A small squirrel crawled cautiously near and sat back on his hind feet, pointing his twitching nose in the air, searching for a nut or crust of bread.

Henrietta cocked her head at him. “Squirrel, should I just marry Mr. Van Heerlen?”

A nut flew over her head and landed on the ground near her feet. The squirrel nabbed the nut and scampered up a nearby tree with his treasure.

“You shouldn’t ask such questions of squirrels,” said the gray-bearded artist-philosopher bearing a handful of nuts. “They’re terrible. They chase female squirrels all across the park. Take up with any old squirrel that flicks her tail their way. They’re not too discriminatory.”

“I actually think that was the crux of my question.”

“Should you marry a gentleman just because he can write a fancy word?” he said, looking at the page lying in the ground beside her.

“Never mind.” Henrietta gathered up her letter. “I don’t think we should share personal situations, as we are strangers.”