Rainfall (19 page)

“Tell me, Jacob,” I coax gently.

After a shaky start he seems to become more comfortable and the words flow out of him readily as though he cannot get them out fast enough.  He repeats some of what he has already told me, he speaks of the man who stabbed his father and the woman who stood by and watched, slapping his mother in the process. I have already heard this part of the story and I am desperately praying that Jacob does not disappear again before he can finish, but I force myself to bite my tongue and not interrupt. Jacob is so fragile that any interruption could result in his withdrawal. Eventually he continues where we had previously left off.

“Step forward, Son,” he says, and I hold my breath – this is where Jacob previously became too emotional to continue. I scan his face but he does not appear quite as distressed as he did that day. He is playing obsessively with the blankets that cover him, pulling on strands of wool compulsively. “'I’m not your son,' I said,” he continues and I exhale slowly.  It seems that Jacob will be able to continue.

“He laughed out loud then. He threw his head back and laughed. The witch just stared at me as if she was thinking things that I didn’t know. My mom was begging, pleading with them to let me go. My father had gone so quiet; so quiet and so still. And there was blood everywhere. The man grabbed me by the hair and pulled me further into the room and I slipped on it. It got on my clothes and on my hands and it was red, so red and the smell made me feel sick.”

I can picture the scene only too well and my head swims with dizziness and I swallow hard; I want to be sick myself. I put my hand on Jacob’s knee and clear my throat.

“Go on, Jacob. It’s okay; I’m here,” I whisper and he looks like a child trying to be brave as he nods and continues.

“He made me watch. He slit her throat.” I recoil in horror and fresh tears spring to Jacob’s eyes but he continues; it is as though he is a runaway train that has suddenly gained momentum and is unable to stop, and for the first time it is me that wants the
story to end. I fight the urge to put my hands over my ears and be strong for Jacob. “I screamed,” he says, “I screamed and he laughed, and my mom went as still as my dad. They both lay there, doing nothing. And I realised that the only reason my mom wouldn’t answer me if I screamed for her was if she couldn’t, and I realised that she must be in heaven; but I didn’t want her to be in heaven, I wanted her to be with me in the house but she wasn’t, and so I screamed for her and I called her to come back, to please come back!” After this non-stop raving Jacob seems to finally run out of air and he curls forward, pulling the blanket that he has practically destroyed with him, sobbing wildly, curling himself tighter and tighter into a ball. 

I leap forward, sitting on the edge of the bed and curling my own body around him, hushing him and rubbing his back and crying my own silent, appalled tears.

Surprisingly, Jacob recovers sooner than I expect and he sits up abruptly.

“He wants to come back,” he blurts out and I blink in confusion which turns to shock as he continues. “He wants to come back but I need to finish first. He needs to wait.” It dawns on me that he means Adam or Simon.
One of the others. Jacob is fighting – for the first time he is finding the strength and the will to stay. To tell me his story; to finish it, once and for all.  Jacob wants it over. My heart practically bursts with pride; I feel like a mother watching her son go off to the first day of school putting on a brave face. I cannot believe how much he has grown since the first day I met him and a part of me wishes, as I did with Kyle, that he didn’t have to go; that he could exist, in some way, in some other form, but not in this body – the body that I love and need. Thinking of Adam gives me the strength to help Jacob go on, to listen to the end no matter how hard it may be. He takes a deep breath.

“They took me,” he says. “That was the worst part. They took me and they pretended that they were my mom and dad. And I knew that they would hurt me if I told anyone, so I didn’t. Even when we went on the big aeroplane, even when I saw the policeman in his uniform, I didn’t tell. I stayed quiet. She was nicer than he was; she pretended real well but I knew she was ugly inside and I made myself remember that. Then they started fighting. They were shouting at each other and I could hear them, even over the noise of the aeroplanes and I shut my ears with my hands.” Jacob looks down at his hands suddenly and then seems to realise what he has been doing.

‘I’ve ruined your blanket,” he murmurs, eyeing me nervously. 

I smile, “That’s okay, Jacob. It doesn’t matter now,” I answer and he nods.

“When I woke up they were gone.” I am surprised by the sudden turn of events but I force myself to keep my face neutral as he goes on, “It took me about a hundred tries but I eventually managed to unlock the door. I climbed down the stairs and ended up outside.  It was dirty and it smelled.” He wrinkles his nose at the memory and I smile despite myself. 

“I’m sure it did, Jacob,” I say. This must have been the alley near the orphanage where Adam was found. 

“Can I go now please Paige?” he asks and he looks almost grey with exhaustion. I smile sadly. I know what he is asking; he wants to know if it is all over, if he can go, if he can integrate and finally be at peace.

“Soon, Jacob,” I promise. “Tomorrow I need you to tell your story to Doctor Sheldon.  He can help you. And then you can go. I promise. Can you do that for me, Jacob?”

“Yes,” his answer is hesitant at first, but then he sits up straighter and looks me in the eye. “Yes,” he repeats, much more confidently. “And now?” he asks querulously.

“For now, Jacob you can rest,” I answer, and as soon as the words are out of my mouth I see the twitch and Adam’s beautiful blue eyes are staring back at me.

“What’s going on, Paige?” Adam can obviously see the vestige of the tears that have not yet dried on my face. He leans forward wanting to comfort me but I smile at him and he pauses, confusion replacing the concern on his beautiful face.

“Paige?” he asks hesitantly.

“I’ve got it,” I whisper, almost unable to fully comprehend what this means. It’s going to be over; finally, ultimately and wonderfully over. As hard as it was to hear Jacob’s story, through the hurt Adam will heal and be whole again. 

“Got what?” Adam asks.

“The truth,” I smile, “Jacob gave me the truth.” 

Chapter 24

It is a little after midnight when Adam finally drifts into a restless sleep. I feel like this has been the longest day of my life. It seems like so long ago that we were snuggling on the couch eating pizza like any other normal couple, but here is the proof that we are not. The darkness that is Adam’s life has reared its ugly head, only this time there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It will soon be over. I am so drained I could put my head down and sleep for days but my concern for Adam will not let me sleep and I settle myself onto the winged-backed chair that I use at the dresser next to Adam’s side of the bed. 

I settle myself as comfortably as I can and pull a blanket over me keeping vigil beside Adam until the early hours of the morning, until finally my exhaustion wins out and my eyes close of their own accord.

“Paige!” Adam gently shakes me awake and I slowly become aware of my surroundings.  I blink up at him, yawning and feeling the pain in my neck and shoulders from having slept in my awkward perch. 

“Are you okay?” I ask automatically searching his face. His colour has returned to normal and he looks fine; I breathe a sigh of relief. He hands me a cup of tea and sits down on the edge of the bed his blue eyes boring into mine.

“What happened, Paige? You said you know the truth? What is it?” He had asked me the same question last night but I had refused to tell him, claiming he needed his sleep. He had been emotionally drained, worn-out enough not to push for an answer. Now, however, he sounds determined and a little afraid, and I swallow back my own emotions.

I cannot tell Adam the truth of what happened to him. He needs to hear it from Jacob and relive the trauma in order to be able to deal with it and for Jacob to successfully integrate.  Simon’s disappearance in the process is just an added bonus. I do not know how the process works, but I do not want to jeopardise the return of a healthy, integrated Adam, so I tell him that he will have to wait to learn the truth until we see Carl Sheldon. It is going to be agony for him learning the truth, the secret that has been buried for so long, and it is not something that I am looking forward to. Surprisingly he doesn’t press the issue but he seems to sense that I am putting on a brave face. 

“Is it bad?” is all he asks and, unable to lie to him, I give a quick nod of my head. He takes a deep breath his jaw clenching automatically, and then he nods grimly. Adam is also ready; ready to get on with our lives. He dresses quickly while I search for my phone as I need to get hold of Carl. Eventually I locate it just under the bed – it obviously slipped off the bedside table last night when I cast it aside in my panic over the freezing Jacob. I think sadly for a minute about Jacob. I am surprised at how much compassion these
alters
have drawn out of me. I take no pleasure in their integration although I so badly want Adam to be well. Each one feels like I am losing someone close to me. I shake myself and force myself to focus on Adam and the task at hand. He has an awful time ahead of him and I need to be strong for his sake.  That is why I am here – I am here for Adam. I am about to hit 2 for Carl’s speed-dial when I see the missed call from Bill Morris. I had forgotten all about him. I check the bedside clock and mentally calculate the time difference between New York and Ireland- we are five hours behind which would make it just after noon in Dublin. Bill Morris can wait – I have so much to do. I will call him later this afternoon. I ignore the flashing envelope that alerts me that there is a voice message and I hit 2 and the call button.

“Paige?” Carl’s voice is the most welcoming sound.

“He told me!” I blurt out, unable to contain myself. Carl is silent and I keep going, “Jacob!  Jacob told me the trauma! It’s awful!” I can’t help but add, and out of the corner of my eye I see Adam stiffen.

“Where are you?” Carl asks calmly.

“At home. We’re leaving now; we’re on our way to you,” I finish.

“Paige, don’t you want to wait for tomorrow? I have a few clients later this morning and then again this afternoon. Why don’t you just relax and we can sort this out first thing tomorrow?  Adam has lived with his disorder for over 20 years; I'm sure he can wait one more day?”

“No!” I shake my head vehemently even though he can’t see me. He must be crazy if he thinks I can sleep knowing what I know. “You said your clients are only later this morning? We’re on our way. Meet us at the Institute. We want this over Carl. It ends, now.”

The Audi flies through rush-hour traffic and Adam holds on to his passenger hand-hold for dear life, chuckling.
“Paige, the doc will take as long as he takes, us getting there at lightning speed isn’t going to make this process go any faster.”

“He lives closer,” I retort, taking a gap and narrowly missing swiping the side of a
Maserati convertible. The driver hoots in anger and I force myself to ease my foot ever-so-slightly off the accelerator. 

“Okay, okay,” I grumble. 

Twenty minutes later we pull into the parking-lot at the Institute. As Adam intimated, the doc hasn’t arrived. I set about pacing frantically until Adam grabs my arm and pulls me up against him, his arms coming around me. I feel calmer immediately and I relax against his chest; the soft cotton of his T-shirt smells like fabric softener and his aftershave. He smells good enough to eat and I smile despite my anxiety.

“Shouldn’t I be the one stressing, love?” he murmurs into my hair and I shake my head, rubbing my nose against his chest.

“I can’t help it.”

“I know,” he rubs my back. “But...” he pauses and I gaze up at him.

“But what, Adam?” For the first time I see the fear and the trepidation in his eyes and I realise how selfish I am being and how incredibly brave and patient Adam is. “Oh,” I'm brought up short, not knowing what to say.  

“Twenty years,” he murmurs, “twenty years! I haven’t been able to remember a thing from the first six years of my life now I'm about to find out why.” There is a deadly silence and then he forces a humourless laugh, “Jesus, what a mind-fuck.”Adam hardly ever curses – he must be terrified. I squeeze him as tightly as I can.

“I’m here, Adam. I’m here and you're going to be fine. We'll get through this together, I promise.”

“And then it will be just the two of us,” he murmurs and I smile up at him.

“Two boring normal people getting married and starting a family,” I laugh and feel his grip on me tighten, just as his blue eyes blaze with excitement.

“Really?” he gasps, his eyes frantically searching my face and I realise what I have just said. 

“Absolutely!” I laugh, knowing that it is the truth. I want to be with Adam forever.  I want to marry him, have babies with him and grow old with him. He is my other half; I will not live without him. Adam looks so delighted that I instinctively reach up to kiss him, a kiss that soon turns serious. I press up against him and am lost in the moment when I hear the polite throat-clearing behind me. Mortified I close my eyes even tighter and disentangle myself from Adam, my cheeks burning.

“I got here as soon as I could,” Carl is the first to break the silence. “Evidently it wasn’t quite fast enough,” he muses and Adam drapes his arms around my shoulders.

“You’re just in time, Doc,” he grins, gesturing at the entrance to the Institute. “Just in time,” he repeats grinning down at me.