Rain Dance (25 page)

Anguish etched his features. I wanted to reach out and take his hand, but I didn’t.

He stared down at the photos in his hand as though he didn’t see them. “No one would answer our questions, and we imagined all sorts of possibilities. About an hour later, the doctor came back. He told us our son had Down syndrome, that his heart was weak and his lungs were weak. They didn’t think he’d live long. The doctor insisted that if he did, the only way he could get the right care would be in an institution. He offered to call social services to take over and make our baby a ward of the state. We begged—demanded—to see our son. When they brought him, Eve reached for him, hoping they were wrong. She cradled him in her arms, and when she looked up at me, her eyes went empty. It cut me to the core of my being. She handed the baby to me and curled up, sobbing.”

Remembering the photos of Eve holding her son, I said, “But you took Stevie home.”

He glanced up and nodded. “I looked into the face of my boy and saw powdery blond hair, a smashed little nose, tiny square hands, and oval blue eyes. Just like when I saw his mother and sister, I fell in love. I insisted we take him home and figure out a better solution.”

“Judging from the photos I saw, Eve didn’t share your determination.”

“No.” Sighing, he rubbed his hand over his face. “She suffered severe post-partum depression. She refused to name him or care for him. Her reaction robbed me of the joy I felt at his birth, and when Eve’s parents died, I was terrified she’d do harm to herself. Thankfully, the fortune they left her provided her with the freedom to pursue her dreams. I encouraged her, hoping for the spark to return to her eyes. I saw a fire there but very little true life.”

“There are pictures of me with Stevie.”

“You only saw him once. Your mother insisted on a separate nanny to protect you from getting to know him, and she insisted I get someone to take him full-time. A mutual friend introduced me to Peggy and John. They had just found the house they live in now. Stevie was about a year old when they became his guardians. For weeks they visited him every day, and when they took him he adjusted to the move without any anxiety.”

“None of this explains why you didn’t tell me about him.” I heard the accusation in my voice and shuddered. I’d never talked to my dad that way.

“I promised Eve I wouldn’t,” he said, spreading his hands as if appealing for my understanding. “I believed she would get her life on track and welcome our son back into our lives. When I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I bargained with her. I promised not to tell you, but I vowed to visit and know my son.”

“And Eve’s response?”

“She agreed.”

“Are you ashamed of him?”

“No. Never. He is my son—a living, breathing blessing, and a beautiful human being. Although Eve can’t see it, Stevie is a special reflection of our love just like you are.”

“Is Eve ashamed of him?”

He frowned. “She resists him because she believes she failed. She birthed a less than perfect child. Your mother does flawless better than anyone I know and never forgives herself for less.”

“You love him.”

“I do. I visit him every week and take him out for breakfast on his birthday. We go to the zoo and to the art supply store. He enjoys water color painting and drawing with markers. Your brother is really very talented. When he succeeds at learning something new, we go out for ice cream sundaes. Chandler Daniels is also a special friend of Stevie’s and is his Sunday school teacher.”

“He’s happy with Peggy and John, isn’t he?”

“Yes. It’s the perfect situation for him. I’m still his dad, but they are his family too. He knows all about you and Eve. His room is full of pictures of you. He prays every day that you will come and see him.”

“When can I meet him?”

He hesitated. “I don’t know how to deal with this. I have to talk to Eve first. I love both you kids, but your mother has always come first in my life.”

“Dad, we can’t keep living this lie! Maybe getting this out in the open is best for her as well. I’ll call and tell her the truth. Then it should be my choice to see him or not.”

“I want to be on the line when you talk to her. I know you’re angry and you have a right to be. However, I will not allow you to be unkind to her. She will always be your mother, and I insist you show her respect. She’s been extremely sick, and while that doesn’t excuse the past, it has to be considered now.”

“I’m okay with being respectful, but I never thought I’d need permission to see my own brother. Dad, don’t you see how wrong this is?”

“Yes,” he admitted. “Call your mother.”

I dialed the number with cold, shaking hands, and paced the room while her line rang. I wiped my cold hands on my jeans and tried to swallow the tension building in my throat.

“Senator Dunbar’s office.”

“Hi, Emily. It’s Stacie. Can I talk to Eve, please?”

“Sure. I’ll put you right through.”

Eve came on the line. “Stacie—are you all right?”

“Not really. I know you’re feeling lousy and in the middle of an important letter, but we have something to tell you.”

“We?”

“Dad is on the line too.”

She listened in silence while I told her how I learned about Stevie. I left all my questions and accusations out of the conversation. For now.

Finally, I heard myself say, “I want to meet him.”

“That’s up to you.”

“Stacie, I need to talk to Eve alone,” Dad broke in.

“See you, Eve.”

“Good-bye, Stacie.”

Dad walked in from the kitchen, rubbing his face with both hands.

“How’d it go?” I asked.

“She isn’t happy, but at least she knows I didn’t betray her trust.”

“How are you?” I asked. His shoulders slumped, and the laugh lines around his eyes and mouth appeared to have deepened in the last hour. Compassion rose in my heart and my anger backed off a few notches.

“Exhausted. But I feel freer. Chandler was right—living a lie is hard work.”

“How do you know Mr. Daniels so well?”

“We grew up together on farms about a mile apart. We fished together, climbed trees, and made forts in the woods. He took a lot of teasing because of his good looks and fancy name. When he was born, his mother was sure he’d be a movie star one day and named him accordingly.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets. “You know I came from a family of God-fearing people. Chandler was raised in a family that had a reputation for rough talk and even rougher living. In college I turned away from my religious upbringing. After hearing Billy Graham preach on TV, Chandler turned to Christ. He’s been praying for me and my family for years. I called and asked him to pray today because I had no idea how this would go. I’ve always had both of my children in my life. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without you.”

“I don’t want that either. I asked Jonica to pray too.”

“Good.”

“Don’t you think it’s weird we’re so willing to ask them to pray to a God we don’t think exists?”

“It beats consulting the stars, I guess,” he said with a shrug.

“Aren’t we sort of consulting the One who made the stars?”

Dad’s eyebrows rose higher than I’d ever seen them go.

“I mean, aren’t we sort of using their faith?”

“Sure, but it’s always good to hedge your bets.”

I refused to smile. “When can I meet Stevie?”

“I’ll call Peggy and see what his schedule is. He needs a certain amount of structure and some advance notice. I’ll call you tonight.”

“Okay. Let’s make this easy for him and us.”

“You cannot know how happy this is going to make Stevie.” Dad smiled almost as big as the boy I’d seen in the album. “Sweet daughter, you have a brother!”

A tingle of joy rippled through my body. “I’m a big sister.”

“I hate leaving you right now, but I have a meeting in an hour. I need to head out.”

“It’s all right, Dad. Mike’s here and I think I’ll drive over and see Jonica anyway.”

He studied me. “Are we okay? You and I? I love you, and this deception has never been easy for me. I couldn’t give either of my children up. Please try to understand.”

I hugged him goodbye and promised we’d be fine in time.

How could my mother
cast off her own child?
I asked myself after he had gone. Then a life-jarring truth rumbled across my mind.
You did too. Only you can never make it right with yours.

Suddenly I needed Jonica’s grace.

Chapter
22

Jonica

As Stacie prepared to meet her brother, I decided to have a prayer retreat. I knew of other women who set aside a day to pray and spend time fellowshipping with God in His Word. They’d shared testimonies of refreshment and new insights from the Bible. I needed both, so I decided to go to the zoo. I packed my Bible, prayer list, notebook, pen, and highlighter in my backpack. Others might have chosen a more secluded spot, but I wanted to talk with God and walk among the animals of His creation.

I pulled on Ben’s black NASCAR cap, rubbed sunscreen on my face, and left off the makeup. In old black jeans, walking shoes, a white T-shirt, and my sunglasses, I smiled at my reflection. I looked a little like a TV detective on a stakeout.

“I will be praying in secret for all the people I see there, Lord. Help me know when to speak and when not to.”

First, I stopped at the coffee stand and bought a mocha latte—large. Settling on a bench under a maple tree near the polar bears, I read Psalm 103, sipping the sweet chocolate brew.

As sunshine filtered through the leaves, I was drawn deeper into His Word. I highlighted special passages and continued to read favorite verses. After a while the urge to move whispered through my legs.

I threw my empty cup in the trash and moved to the primate exhibit. The male silverback gorilla surveyed his domain, while the females and young sunned themselves. One little gorilla rushed toward his father in play. He climbed the mighty beast, only to be plucked off and put back on the ground, then nudged back toward his mother.

In the orangutan area, the red primates glided through the air, their long arms reaching from rope to rope. One half-grown male hung on a branch and watched me. When I giggled at him, his mouth opened into a big O. For a moment, we enjoyed each other’s attention.

I walked to a nearby picnic table and sat down. Taking out a prayer list, I wrote my requests in my journal. The scent of hotdogs and popcorn hit my nose at the same time my stomach growled. After a brief lunch of popcorn and lemonade, I found a bench in the conservatory and continued my prayer time. I asked specifically for someone to share my faith with.

Later, as I washed my hands in the ladies room, a woman in a zoo uniform approached. “I saw you writing away in your book. Are you a journalist?”

“Not today. I’m enjoying a day of prayer and Bible reading.”

Standing with her legs slightly apart and her hands on her hips, she snorted. It was the sound of disapproval—my least favorite thing.

“I love being near the animals, the Lord, His Word, and spending time with Him in prayer.”

“Interesting,” she replied, watching me in the mirror.

“Do you have any spiritual beliefs?” I asked, turning to face her while I dried my hands.

“No.”

Reaching into my pack, I pulled out my hand lotion and saw her step back. “What’s wrong?”

“I thought you were going to pull out one of those pamphlets. Sometimes people litter the park with them hoping we’ll pick one up and read it out of curiosity and find God.”

“Well, I have a book in here I’d love to give you, but won’t if you aren’t interested.”

“A book?”

“It’s by one of my favorite nonfiction Christian authors. He helps me see Jesus vividly.”

“Is it a church book?”

“He’s a pastor, but it’s not about a denomination. It’s about Jesus and what He did for us. I need to warn you, though, if you decide to read it, you might find yourself amazed by God’s love for you.”

Steel- blue eyes stared into mine. “Why give a total stranger you know nothing about a book? Why do you care?” she demanded.

“Because Jesus does.”

“How do you know?”

“The Bible tells me so.”

“And you believe the Bible?”

“Yes.”

“I need to get back to the animals. It’s almost time to feed the lions.”

“Would you like the book?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

I pulled Max Lucado’s
He Chose the Nails
out of my bag and handed it to her. She held it away from her body.

“This is a hardcover. I can’t take this.”

“Sure you can. When I bought it, I prayed God would send someone into my life to give it to. Looks like you’re His answer to my prayer.”

“I’ve been called a lot of things in life—but never that.”

“Today you are. My name and phone number are inside the cover. If you have any questions, please call me. Otherwise, I’m planning to spend more quiet mornings here from time to time.”

“Well, maybe I’ll see you then.”

“I’ll be praying for you, Maggie.”

Her eyes narrowed. “How’d you know my name?”

“It’s on your badge,” I replied, smiling.

She flushed. A lion roared in the distance, and she said hastily, “I better get back to work.”

“Thank You, Lord,” I whispered watching her walk away. “Please use Max’s book to lead her to Yourself.” I took a few moments to express thanksgiving for His love for me, and a wonderful day at the zoo.

Later, at the big cat exhibit, I watched the golden lions sleep off their lunch, their only movement the occasional flick of the tip of a tail. With envy, I listened to their purrs rumble their contentment. If only a meal and a nap in the sunshine could give me the same comfort.

I switched from a prayer retreat to poor-me-mode in under a second. The NASCAR guys would have been impressed with my speed shifting.

The story of Simeon meeting baby Jesus in the temple came to my mind. He’d waited so long for the promise of God—to see the Messiah. His faithfulness inspired me. I loved the way he responded to the Holy Spirit and went to the Temple that day. Then he wasn’t at all surprised when Jesus came as an infant in His mother’s arms. Simeon gently took God in his arms and praised Him.