Rain 01 When It Rains (34 page)

It’s like I’m floating in the air, watching everyone else go about their lives while mine feels like it’s at a standstill. Strangers smile when I don’t think they should be. How can someone be so happy when I’m so lost? This whole experience has made me more cognizant of everything around me.

I hate when I walk up to someone and they ask, “How are you today?” How am I supposed to answer that? Do people just expect for everyone to be okay all the time?
I’m sure they don’t want to hear about how my heart has been torn from my chest and thrown against the wall.

They wouldn’t understand.

I help Daniel plan the funeral. He asked me if Asher mentioned anything about how he wanted his funeral to be. We spent more time planning our future than we did planning his death, but it was going to be hard to explain that to his dad. Instead, I helped him pick out the perfect music to be played, and the perfect verses to be read. Asher’s life was short but it wasn’t without meaning. I want to make sure every second of his memorial means something to his past.

Everyone agrees that Carrington is the best place for Asher to be buried. It’s where his roots are. It’s going to be the second worst day of my life when I have to watch him being lowered into the ground tomorrow. It will be the last time I can be that close to him.

Nothing can prepare me for that.

Asher’s mom drove back to Carrington with his sister, and they’ve been in town ever since. We’ve been spending time together, remembering times with Asher and helping Daniel pack up some of his things.

“Do you mind if I take a couple things?” I ask Daniel, that afternoon. I already took a few things the other day, but I feel like no matter how much I take, it will never be enough to bring me closer to him.

“Take what you want. I think he would want you to have his things anyway. He really loved you,” he says, handing me an empty box.

The first thing that draws my attention is the turtle I had given him not long ago. That night was so special to both of us, and every time I look at the stars, I think of him. I walk over and pick it up, reaching behind the nightstand to unplug it, then carefully tuck it into my overnight bag.

“Do you need help?” my mom asks, walking up behind me.

“No, I need to do this,” I cry, wiping my eyes with the back of my sleeves. “Just give me a few minutes.” She backs away, resting her shoulder against the door jam.

Next, I spot his iPod resting on the doc station and carefully remove it, tucking it into my purse. Music was such a big part of us, and there are songs on it that remind me of some of the happiest moments we shared.

Hopefully having these little pieces of Asher will help me. Every day is difficult and comes with new challenges, but surrounding myself with people who are going through the same thing helps.

Watching Aubrey makes me think of Asher. I like seeing the little bits of what I love about Asher in her. I see him in her smile, her eyes, the way she tries to take care of her mom, and even with the warm hugs she gives Daniel.

“Kate, do you want to go get something to eat with me?” Aubrey asks.

The last thing I really feel like doing is eating, but one look at her and I can’t tell her no. Asher would have wanted this.

“We can do that,” I reply, smoothing my hand over her silky blonde hair. It feels just like Asher’s did.

“Where do you want to go? Do you have a Starbucks here?”

That makes the corners of my mouth turn up slightly. “No, the only place that’s open right now is Bonnie’s, but they have good milkshakes. And if it’s coffee you really want, I happen to know it’s always fresh.”

“Sounds good to me, but it’s a little cold for milkshakes, don’t you think?” she asks, lifting one of her eyebrows.

“It’s never too cold for ice cream.”

I take one last look around the room before we pull on our coats and head to my car. It’s too cold to be walking around Carrington today. We ride the ten or so blocks in silence, listening to some old country song on the radio. Whenever I hear it, I think of Beau. I selfishly wish he was here with me right now. Just being able to see his face would make me feel better.

Without Beau or Asher . . . well, I’m not quite sure where I belong.

We pull into the familiar parking lot and head into the restaurant. Aubrey seems amazed by the décor of the small diner. It looks like something straight out of the fifties or sixties with the red booths and checkered laminate flooring. I’ve been there so many times that it’s nothing special to me, but I can see how it would amaze a big city girl.

“Are the cinnamon rolls good?” she asks, looking up from her menu.

“I think so, but they are the only ones I’ve ever had, so I have nothing to compare them to.”

“What are you getting?”

I watch her eyes scan the menu before looking back down to mine.

“I think I’m going to have a milkshake and French fries,” I say, remembering the way Asher always dipped his French fries in his milkshake.

“That’s Asher’s favorite. He used to take me out for fries and milkshakes after school,” she says sadly.

“It was. That’s what he used to order when I first met him.” I look up at the door and remember the feeling that washed over me the day he walked in here. He was a stranger then, but I knew that he would become so much more. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like our souls were meant to be together.

“He really liked you,” she tells me.

“Yeah, I really liked him, too,” I reply, smiling back at her. I don’t know if she understands the deep concept of love. I’m not even sure if I understood it until just a few months ago.

“I miss him already,” she says, her eyes welling with tears.

This little girl is breaking what’s left of my wounded heart.

“I miss him too,” I say softly, resting my elbows on the table so, “but he’ll always be right here with us. When you need him, a piece of him will always be with you.”

A single tear falls from my eyes as I process my own words. Tomorrow, when we’re at Asher’s funeral saying goodbye, it’s won’t necessarily be goodbye. He will always be the reason I breathe to live my life and not just to live. He’s the person who showed me that there is a way to get past everything that ever held me down.

He gave me a second chance.

I’
VE
KNOWN
THIS
DAY
WOULD
COME
,
but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Physical pain is bothersome, but emotional pain is suffocating. It’s like someone has their hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing as tight as they can. I can’t breathe. I can’t think straight. I just want Asher back. I don’t want to stare down at his lifeless body in a mahogany casket; he doesn’t even look like himself. I want him back, holding me and telling me how much he loves me.

Yet, here I am. Standing in front of the rectangle box. I run my hand along the silk fabric that lines the inside as tears run down my cheeks. I recognize some of his features, but others look nothing like how I remember. His skin is pale, and without being able to see his eyes, he’s barely recognizable. I’m afraid to walk away because I know I’ll never see him again.

He’s going to become just a memory, someone I can only look at in a picture. It’s a reality that hits me like a cement block. It’s hard to stand, so I’m grateful when two hands grip my shoulders, helping to support my weak body. When I turn my head, I see my mom crying right along with me. She removes her hands and wraps her arms around my waist. Her warm, comfortable closeness soothes me and gives me the permission I need to let out every ounce of grief I have left inside.

“Everything’s going to be okay. We’ll get through this,” she whispers, squeezing her arms a little tighter.

“I miss him, Mom,” I cry, placing my arms over hers. “Why did he have to go? I loved him.” My knees are weak, but her strength holds me up.

“He’s always going to be right here with us, Kate.”

If I pinch my eyes closed tight, I can see him. I’ve memorized everything about the last few months.

I can only hope I’ll never forget.

He’ll always be with me in some way.

“Let’s just go over here so that the others can say their goodbyes,” she says, running her hands up and down my upper arms. When I open my eyes again, I take several deep breaths in order to gain enough composure to walk back to my seat, but I can’t stop myself from looking down at him one last time

“I don’t know if I can do this,” I sob, gripping the edge of the casket.

She rests her hands on my shoulders, gently squeezing them. “Let’s go take a seat,” she says softly, dropping her hands from my shoulders to grab my hand. When I turn to follow her, I’m met with blue eyes I haven’t seen in months. They’re dark, yet unsure. My first instinct is to run toward them, but then I remember everything that happened between us the last year and I hesitate.

I haven’t seen him since Christmas and even then, it was only for a few minutes. But now, even after everything, looking at him blankets my heart with warmth. He’s been a reminder of all the good things in my life for so long.

Staring at him from across the church, those feelings wash over me again.

I need Beau. If I ever thought I didn’t, I was kidding myself. He’s been there for me from the beginning. He never let me go, even after what happened the last time we spoke.

I drop my mom’s hand and take a couple hesitant steps toward where he’s leaning against the wall at the back of the church. When he doesn’t move, I continue to walk to him.

Besides mom, he’s all I have left.

“I’ll save you a seat,” I hear my mom say a few feet behind me. When I’m only a couple steps away, he reaches out and pulls me into his waiting arms. I completely fall apart. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve a guy like him in my life.

“I’m sorry. I came as soon as I heard,” he whispers in my ear. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“I miss him,” I cry as I pull back to look him in the eyes. “I’ve missed you.”

Beau pulls me against his chest again, running his fingers through my hair. “It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.”

We stay like that for a long time, locked in each other’s embrace.

“Why didn’t you call me when he was in the hospital? I would have come right away,” he whispers near my ear.

I shut my eyes tight, battling the overwhelming emotions that are brewing inside of me. I’m unable to form words, and after a few minutes he pulls back, releasing my hands from his shirt. “Don’t go. Please stay here with me,” I beg, desperate to have him close to me for as long as I can.

“I’m going to sit in the back. You should join your mom up front,” he replies, lifting his thumb to wipe tears from under my eyes.

“Beau—”

“Kate, the service is about to start,” my mom says from behind me.

I hold one finger up, signaling that I need a minute, but music starts to play over the sound system, halting me in place. Our eyes lock briefly before Beau turns and walks toward the back of the church. There are so many things I want to say to him, but today isn’t really the day for any of that. It can’t wait long, though.

I know tomorrow is never a guarantee.

After I take my seat, I close my eyes and listen to the music that fills the room. It’s a song I’ve listened to many times in the last few days. I picked it just for Asher. It’s a song that I know he loved and one that meant a lot to him.

It now means everything to me.

Hallelujah
by Jeff Buckley plays as a slide show displaying Asher’s life from birth to just a few months before he died appears on the large projector screen. It’s so hard to watch, but this is part of my goodbye. Asher lived so much life before I even met him and watching it flash before my eyes helps me to understand.

He was a happy baby with curly blond hair and dimples visible through his constant smile. He loved his Power Ranger PJ’s as a young kid, and lost most of his curls by the time his mom took his picture on the first day of Kindergarten. He loved baseball, football and building towers out of Legos. When the photo of him holding Aubrey for the first time in the hospital pops up, I can’t watch anymore. He loved that little girl so much; it’s evident in his wide smile and excited eyes. Now, he’s not going to be able to see her grow up.

I want to run somewhere far, far away where death doesn’t exist. Everyone should be able to live a full life. He should be able to get married, have kids, and live out his dreams of a happily ever after.

I wanted him to be my happily ever after.

My mom grabs for my hand, giving me the will to look up again. There’s so much that I never got to see, and now he’s not even here to tell me about it.

The next photo is of him and a pretty girl with long blonde hair and piercing green eyes. He’s got his arm wrapped around her, and they’re both dressed up. Homecoming 2007 it reads at the bottom. The next few photos are also of them, followed by him alone on the day of his high school graduation. The girl must have been Megan; the friend he lost way too soon. The reason he thought he was being punished.