RAGE (15 page)

Starting at the beginning, I worked my way toward this morning, leaving out nothing. I told her of the beatings, the rapes, the time Travis put the knife to my throat, the night he put the gun to my forehead and pulled the trigger, I told her all of it. I even told her what had happened last night.

Halfway through the story, she scooted closer to me, and put her arm around my shoulders. I wondered why, but when I felt the tears falling off my face and onto my arms, I knew. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. A little later, she laid her head on my shoulder.

When I finished telling her the things I wished I didn’t have to tell, I took a deep breath and turned to her. As much I hated it, I figured this was the part where she’d run off screaming that she never wanted to talk to me again. But she surprised me. She was always doing that.

I saw tears falling from her chin as well. She didn’t look at me with disgust as I’d feared she would. She was looking at me with kind eyes. I don’t know if she was feeling sorry for me or not, but she certainly wasn’t running away screaming.

“You hate me now?” I asked quietly, wiping my cheeks with my hands.

She shook her head slowly. “No, Brian. I would never hate you.”

“You think I’m gross?” I asked, and quickly looked at the floor, suddenly embarrassed that I’d asked.

“No,” she said. And then she turned toward me and threw her arms around me gently. She pulled me toward her and I let her. She hugged me for a long time. It felt really good to be wrapped up in the arms of someone who cared. “I’m so sorry, Brian,” she whispered into my ear. I put my arms around her and hugged her tightly.

And there we sat, under the bleachers, hugging and crying for a long time. Even in my sadness and shame, I was aware of her newly-developed breasts, pressed against my chest. I continued to cry, even as my jeans grew tighter. These feelings for Carly, which were stronger now than ever before, made me cry harder. Any chance I had of being with her, any chance of any kind of relationship with her, was ruined now because of what I’d done. I’d blown it. I’d let the anger take over and had ruined everything. I held out hope that I wouldn’t go to jail for killing them. If everyone understood what I’d gone through, maybe I’d go to a foster home or something and could still be with Carly. I doubted that would happen, but I hoped with all my heart that it would.

Aware that this could very well be the only time I ever got to hold Carly like this, I squeezed her tightly and did my best to memorize every detail of the moment.

I felt so many things at once, it was overwhelming. I was angry that my life was what it was. I was aggravated with myself for probably ruining my chances with Carly. I was relieved that I’d finally told someone. I was happy that Carly cared about me and still liked me. I was scared because I was still going to have to tell someone what I’d done. And I was exhausted.

Finally, we pulled away from the hug and sat there, staring into each other’s eyes.

“What are you going to do now?” Carly asked, wiping away her tears.

I shrugged. “I’ve got to tell someone. I tried to think of which teacher would be the best one to tell as I walked to school this morning. I’m still not sure. Mrs. Wayne was on my list of maybes, but since I’m here and not in her class, I guess she’s out.”

Carly reached out to me, and softly ran her hand down my cheek. I closed my eyes and memorized the feeling. No one had ever touched me that way before.

She sighed. “Why do such bad things happen to such good people, Brian?”

I thought about this, but for the life of me, I couldn’t think of a single reason except, “Maybe bad things happening to people are what make them good.”

“You’re very smart,” she said, smiling. After a few minutes, she said, “You’ve spent most of your life trying to be invisible.”

I nodded. “Yeah, but you saw me.”

“Yes, I did. And I’m glad.”

“So am I. You know, Carly, there were so many times that you were the only thing that got me through what was happening to me.”

She hung her head and nodded, sending tears flying from her cheeks to her lap.

“If I hadn’t had you to give me a reason to go on, I wouldn’t have made it.” My voice cracked as I said it, but it was true. I’d considered not telling her that part, but I had no reason not to now. I’d already told her everything else. Besides, whatever happened when I told, I wanted to make sure she knew how important to me she was.

She smiled as big tears rolled down her cheeks. “Then it’s a good thing I’m here, isn’t it?”

I nodded.

Then, I leaned forward and surprised us both by kissing her softly on each cheek, kissing away her tears.

The way she said, “Brian,” made me think she was going to tell me I shouldn’t have kissed her. Instead, she followed it with, “Here you are hurting terribly, and yet you kiss away my tears.” She shook her head. “You are amazing.”

She wrapped her hands around my arm and laid her head on my shoulder. I rested my head on the wall. Neither of us said anything for a while. I reached up and stroked her hair. It was every bit as soft as it looked.

The bell rang, dismissing this class. We ignored it.

When another bell rang, signaling the beginning of the next class, we ignored it too.

She pulled away from me a little. “Brian, I’ve liked you since like third grade. I like you because you’re a nice guy. You’re easy to be around.” I wasn’t sure what to say, and she looked uncomfortable that she’d it. Then, she added, “I just wanted you to know.”

“You’ve liked me since third grade?”

She nodded.

“That’s when I started liking you. And I have every day since then.”

“I know.”

So here we were, alone under the bleachers, having spent the last five years liking each other, but never saying it. Most days, this would be the perfect situation for a first kiss or some other landmark moment. But not today. Today, I had to tell on myself for killing my parents. And I was running out of time to do it.

Carly and I sat under the bleachers for most of the next class too. We talked a little, but no more about the heavy stuff. We talked about the art show. I told her how I’d filled my sketch pad over the weekend, and that she was the inspiration for nearly every sketch. That made her happy. I promised to show her the sketch pad sometime today. I didn’t tell her it was because I was afraid I may never have another chance.

As much as I hated to end my time with her, I wanted to be at History class as the hour ended. Mr. Herbert was one of the teachers on my list of teachers I could tell. The day was getting close to half over, and I still hadn’t told.

Carly understood. We sneaked out of the gymnasium and headed for History class. We waited outside the door until the class ended. When the bell rang, the door was thrust open and the kids filed out quickly. When they’d emptied the room, I went in, stomach full of butterflies. Carly waited outside.

Mr. Herbert sat at his desk, grading papers. He looked up and saw me, then turned his attention back to his papers.

“Where were you, Brian?” he asked in that monotone voice of his.

With sweaty palms, I stood beside his desk, struggling to find the right words.

“Mr. Herbert, I need to talk to you.”

“Can it wait, Brian? I’m busy here.” He continued grading his papers.

“No, it can’t. It’s really important. I have to tell someone, and I thought maybe you—“

“Look, Brian, I’ve got to grade these papers before the next class starts. Now either you’ll have to wait, or tell it to the counselor.” He said all that without looking at me.

As I watched him scribble a grade on a paper in red ink before shoving it aside, I heard the kids coming into the room and taking their seats behind me. It was painfully obvious to me now that telling Mr. Herbert wasn’t a good idea, especially since he wasn’t going to listen to me.

Frustrated, I walked out of the room and stomped down the hallway, passing Carly, who was leaning against the wall beside the door. She rushed to catch up with me.

“What happened? You weren’t in there very long.”

“He wouldn’t listen to me. He was too busy.” I made my fists relax, just realizing that they were tightly clenched.

“Well, you’ll just have to tell someone else,” she said calmly.

“Yeah. I guess,” I mumbled. Carly had a calming effect on me, and I had no doubt that it was a good thing she did. Clearly, when I got angry, I was capable of anything.

Carly followed me to Woodworking where we pretended to work on her shelf, but our hearts and minds just weren’t in it. We were both worried about what was going to happen when I finally found a teacher who would listen to me.

In true Carly fashion, she tried to cheer me up and lighten the mood. She hated to see me down, even at a time like this. So she told me jokes and funny stories, reminding me that she was still determined to make me smile.

As well as everything else about her, I admired her persistence.

After Woodworking, Carly walked with me to lunch just like always. The part that surprised me was that she didn’t run off to be with her friends like she usually did. She stayed with me. She was behind me in line, getting her tray immediately after me and following me to my table. She sat across from me and spent all of lunch eating and talking with me.

I wasn’t sure if she was trying to keep my mind off what I’d done and what I had to do, or if she was sitting there because our feelings were out in the open now. Or maybe, like me, she sensed that once I told of what I’d done, we would never see each other again.

Unable to ignore my curiosity about our situation any longer, I asked her as we left the cafeteria.

“Carly, are you my girlfriend?” I felt like an idiot asking such a question. I had always assumed that if I ever had a girlfriend, I would certainly know. And even though I thought of Carly that way, I wasn’t sure.

“Do you think of me as your girlfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I think of myself as your girlfriend, so I must be.”

So this was what it felt like to have a girlfriend. And not just any girl, either. It was Carly. The girl I’d loved from afar for so long. It felt really good. For once, I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel like it was me against the world now. At least not as much as before.

Carly was about to head off to her next class when I was suddenly pushed to the floor. I hadn’t had time to brace myself for the fall. I hit hard on my right shoulder, sending bolts of pain down my arm.

When I heard the laughter, I knew immediately knew who it was. From the floor, I looked up and saw Dominic, Taylor and Spencer. They stood pointing at me and laughing.

Carly reached out her hand to help me up. I reached out for her hand, but before I could lock hands with her, Dominic slapped her hand away.

“What are you doing trying to help up the loser?” he asked her.

She glared at him with fire in her eyes. “The only loser I see around here is you.”

Taylor and Spencer gasped in unison, jaws hung open. Being embarrassed in front of his friends, especially by a girl, made Dominic’s cheeks turn an angry shade of red.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Dominic asked, stepping closer to Carly.

Without backing down, she stared up into his face and said, “I’m talking to the biggest nobody in school. You pick on everybody else to make yourself look better. Well it doesn’t work. You look like nothing but the fool you are.”

A crowd had started to gather around them. As I stood up, Dominic leaned toward her and said, “You just fucked up, princess.”

I stepped forward. “Don’t talk to her like that,” I said sternly.

Dominic turned to me. For once, I wanted his attention. If he was focused on me, he would leave Carly alone.

“What’s that, Boozer Loser?”

As he stepped toward me, I stood my ground with my head up as Carly had done. If she was brave enough to face him, I could be too. I’d never stood up to Dominic before, but I wasn’t defending myself now. I was defending her.

“I said don’t talk to her like that.”

“I’ll talk any way I want to anyone I want, even if it is your bitch.”

Without thinking, I swung at him. I wasn’t thinking of anything. All I knew was that I couldn’t stand there and let this butthole call her something so horrible.

My fist found his jaw easily enough. One second, he was standing in front of me, and the next, he was sprawled out on the floor, staring up at me with a shocked and confused look on his face. It served him right.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed Taylor and Spencer. They stood staring down at Dominic, mouths hanging open even farther now, eyes wide. They’d surely never seen their hero in such a position before. They didn’t know what to do.

Carly rushed to my side. “Brian, you’re going to get in trouble,” she whispered.

“I don’t care,” I said. Seriously, how much more trouble could I possibly get in?

“You boys get in my office,” said Mr. Barrister.

I turned and headed to the principal’s office, Carly at my side. Behind us, Mr. Barrister’s voice boomed. “Not you, young lady. Just the boys.”

I looked at Carly and saw right away that she didn’t want to leave me. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’ll see you later.”

She reluctantly stopped walking and stood in the middle of the hall, watching as I went on to the principal’s office. It was nice to have someone worry about me. It was horrible to have her worry about so much so soon. It wasn’t fair to her. But it sure felt good.

I sat in a chair outside the principal’s office and waited for him and Dominic. Minutes later, they arrived. Mr. Barrister didn’t look happy. Dominic looked angry, and wouldn’t look at me directly. Good. I didn’t want him to look at me anyway. I’d wanted that for a whole lot of years.

“Both of you, get in my office,” Mr. Barrister ordered. I stood and followed Dominic into the office. “Sit,” he said, motioning to the two chairs that sat facing his desk. We each took one while Mr. Barrister walked around the desk and sat in his black leather swivel chair.

“What do you two think you’re doing out there? I’m not running a fight club here. I’m running a middle school. And there is no fighting in middle school. You two got that?”

We nodded.

“Whatever problems you two have needs to be worked out some other way. Fighting isn’t the way to do it.” He took a moment to stare at us each in the eyes. “Now what are we going to do about your punishment?”

I said nothing, waiting for whatever he threw my way. I really didn’t care.

“How about I call your parents and ask them what they think we should do?”

My heart began to pound. I calmed myself quickly, telling myself that even if he called my parents, the worst that would happen is no one would answer the phone. It’s not like by calling, he would see their bodies lying in their bed. Although, when this meeting was over, I was going to have to tell him.

Seeing that threatening us with a phone call to our parents wasn’t scaring us, he decided on a quicker punishment.

“How about this? How about you boys stay an hour after school every day this week? Think that’ll teach you to quit fighting?”

We nodded.

“Okay then. You’re dismissed.”

I remained seated as Dominic stood and walked out of the office.

“I said you’re dismissed, Brian. You can go to class.”

I wiped my palms on the knees of my jeans and leaned forward.

“I need to talk to you about something important, Mr. Barrister.”

“Important? What is it?” he asked, putting his forearms on the desk and folding his hands into each other.

Finally, someone was going to listen to me. I took a deep breath, and prepared to tell my horrific story.

The phone on Mr. Barrister’s desk beeped and his secretary told him he had a phone call on line two.

“I’ve been waiting for this call all day, Brian. You’ll have to excuse me. Whatever you have to tell me will have to wait until later.” I watched as he reached for the phone and hesitated, hand hovering over the earpiece. He looked at me, waiting for me to leave.

Seeing there was nothing more I could do here, I left his office. Maybe I’d come back after his phone call. I was getting pretty tired of being ignored, though, so maybe not.