Radioactive (17 page)

A350 sighs annoyed. “Why can’t I ever share good news with you? Instead you ask me one question after the other. When will you finally stop distrusting me and the Legion?”

I hesitate. Do I continue to ask about the sightings or do I give in to my curiosity and inquire about the good news? Is it about Finn? Does he remember? But would she call that good news? Probably not. Perhaps it is about A566 and his penalty. I decide to suspend my inquiry about the sightings. After all, I can watch the monitors and figure it out or just ask A350 again and the earliest opportunity.

“All right, I give up. What is the good news?”

A350 smiles, satisfied. “Come, I will show you myself.”

Now I’m curious. Excited, I follow her out into the hall until we stand in front of the elevator. Is there something in the safety zone? Have the residents been awarded the ability to eat normal food?

“Put your thumb on the sensor,” A350 prompts me cheerfully. At first I want to protest, but then I realize what she means by the good news. I quickly put my thumb on the cool glass box of the sensor which switches from red to green immediately. As if by magic, the doors slide open in front of me and grant me entry into the elevator. I finally have permission to open any door in the Legion. I am no longer dependent on the help of others.

Overcome with emotion, I hug A350 around her neck. “Thank you! How did you manage this?”

“I committed myself to you. It was about time you received permission. Now you just need the microchip behind your ear. It’s a short procedure. You’ll hardly notice.”

I’m not sure if I want to get a microchip implanted. But if I really want to be one of them, I have to have it. It’s not as though the Legion would be able to read my mind with it. It would just put me in constant contact with the other commanders. I would be able to hear them in my head like my own thoughts. I am ready to jump in the elevator to see Zoe or Finn, but A350 is holding onto my arm.

“Being a Legion commander is not a game,” she tells me and I understand what she means. Just because I now have permission to open any door, I cannot spend all my time in the safety zone or the sickbay. I have tasks to complete just like everyone else. Insightfully I step out of the elevator. “What do I do?” I ask A350. I still have a lot to learn about being a Legion commander.

In the evening, I lie on my bed restlessly and cannot sleep. Now that I know I can visit Finn whenever I want, the desire is just too strong. When I knew there was no way to see him it was easier to sleep. All day long I’ve been back and forth on whether I should dare try to visit him or not. Contrary to A566, I do not know how to manipulate the camera. I do not want to abuse A350’s confidence. Surely it was not easy for her to persuade the other Legion commanders to grant me permission to open all of the doors. Wanting to see Finn is like an addiction. I can think of nothing else.

I quickly slide out of bed. I’m already in my nightgown, so I slip into my boots. Once I am at the door, I look back at the bed. Asha is sitting upright and looks at me.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to see Finn. But do not worry, I will not stay long.”

“Are you going to seek A566’s help?” She asks anxiously.

Quickly I shake my head. “No, I do not need him.”

Her eyes widen in surprise. “They gave you permission to open all of the doors?”

I nod toward her, smiling, before I quietly sneak out the door. When I put my finger on the elevator sensor, I still cannot believe that the doors actually open. It seems like a trick or some kind of oversight. It’s incredible that I’ve really managed to become a proper Legion commander. I dreamed of this ever since I was a child. Even if it looks like this is a cover to help the rebels in their victory. Of course I will help the rebels, but I would never destroy the Legion. I take my job as a Legion commander seriously and that means the safety of all the residents are as important to me as the rebels. There is so much I want to change. It will be long and hard, but every journey begins with a single step and I have already achieved a small goal with the introduction of the common food distribution system.

The elevator comes to a stop and I step out into the deserted atrium. At night it is a place of rest. Each step echoes off the high walls. Though at night, the false images of forests, beaches, and towns of old Earth are turned off, I do have to concede that the atrium has a particular beauty. There are no windows, but the high walls make you feel trapped. When I look up at the ceiling, the feeling is like looking at the stars. The great distance makes you aware of just how tiny a role you play in the world. Our world revolves around the Legions, while there has to be so much more outside of it, we don’t not know what happened to other countries and continents. No one knows how much radioactivity there still is or if there are any survivors. Any contact was broken off long ago. It’s almost like the early Earth when they believed the earth was flat.

I stop at Finn’s door. He sleeps so peacefully and I will be angry if I wake him. But even if he yells at me, I will feel better. His rage and his anger at me earlier does not deter me falling in love with him.

Once the red light of the sensor turns green, the door to his room slides open and I’m surprised to see Finn sitting on his bed awake. He must not have gone to bed yet because otherwise it would be impossible for him to wake up before the allotted time. That is, if someone doesn’t wake him up.

He looks thoughtful and almost desperate, but when his eyes see me, they darken immediately. I enter quietly, but do not dare look closely at him. The doors close just behind my back.

“What do you want?” Finn asks me, a hostile tone in his voice.

I don’t know. I wanted to just see him, but he would not understand. If he were still the old Finn, the Finn who remembers me, I would tell him about the attack. He would build me and give me back my strength. And after that, he would kill A566.

But Finn is no longer the man he once was. Perhaps he never will be again. This new Finn does not understand feelings or fears. This new Finn does not care for me at all.

“Are you dumb or what?” He barks out to me while I stand with bowed head on his doorstep. Maybe it was not a good idea to come see him. Maybe it would have been a better choice to see Zoe. She’s a girl; she would have understood me better anyway. But it hurts that I’m afraid I may have lost Finn forever.

Although I no longer want to cry, the tears run free and this time I do not try to hold them back. I let them run wild, because if I do not, I will start to sob.

Finn looks at me suspiciously, the frown lines on his forehead slowly disappear. “Why are you doing this?” He asks blankly.

“Because I’m sorry,” I reply simply and finally dare to approach a few steps toward him.

“Will you feel better if you cry?”

Unintentionally I start to laugh. These words could have come from the old Finn. He was never a friend of tears; he was always a man of action. He would prefer to struggle until he collapsed.

“No,” I confess honestly. “But I do feel a bit relieved.”

I feel that the atmosphere is not quite as tense as usual and dare to sit down beside him on the bed. He slips away from me, but he doesn’t chase me away either.

“Why are you sad?”

I wonder if he’s really interested or is just plain curious, but mainly, I’m happy that he’s talking to me. “Someone hurt me.”

Finn nods sympathetically. “I know the feeling.”

Astonished, I stare at him. “Who hurt you?”

The answer seems to discomfort him because he presses his hands thoughtfully together and looks away from me.

“To be honest, it’s you that hurts me.”

Horrified, I tear open my eyes. He cannot possibly be serious.

“How do you mean?”

He looks me in the eye again. His anger has disappeared and given way to despair. “You come to me constantly and tell me to remember things that are foreign to me, as though they come from someone else’s life. Every time I see how important this other person must have been to you. You strongly believe that I am this person, but I disappoint you time and again. I do not enjoy disappointing you. I feel pressured to remember, but even if I did, it would only cause problems. Everything you tell me is prohibited. The rebels are dangerous and feelings are alien to me. I really wish you’d stop it.”

My face is frozen. For the first time he is talking to me in a normal tone without yelling or reproaching me. I recognize that he is serious and I would like to fulfill his wish, but if I were to stop, he might never remember anything. However, if I go on, I might not only lose the old, but the new Finn forever. I do not know how to answer him, but a response does not seem important to him right now as he suddenly rubs his eyes. “I’m tired,” he confesses to me and lies down beside me in the bed. It is a note for me to leave now, but I do not want to. I would never leave him.

“Would you mind if I lie down next to you? Only for a while,” I ask him. He looks at me hesitantly opposed, but then he nods and therefore agrees. This new Finn is not even half as numb as I thought.

When I lie down next to him in the narrow bed and our bodies touch, comforting goose bumps break out all over my body. I can feel his breathing and almost feel his heartbeat. Although he cannot remember me, I’m close to him now. He’s not a bad person, even without his memories.

I turn to face him and look into his eyes, which glow with a blue light, just like my own. Although it is neither his nor my natural eye color, I look past this to see the good in his heart. It’s good that he does not turn his eyes from me. We could always communicate with each other without words. Eyes often tell so much more than we can with our mouths. He takes me in his arms, but is not trying to comfort me. I feel stronger with him than without him.

“You’re weird and I do not understand you,” he replies to me softly.

“But?” I reply, hopeful and smiling at him hesitantly.

“But it feels good when you’re close to me,” It is the first time he answered my smile, at least for a brief moment. “Well, anyway, as long as you keep your mouth shut.”

The realization that we can be close to each other, even without his memory is reassuring. If we go together, we will find each other again, no matter what happens.

A violent knock on the door pulls me out of my sleep. Startled, I wake up and realize I am in my own room. In my dream I was still with Finn. It was late when I left, but when I came back to the Legion commander sphere, it was already dawn. My view through the large window now confirms to me that it is early in the morning. I slept only a few minutes. The pounding on the door continues.

“Are you not going to open it?” Asha asks beside me, worried. When I came back, she was still awake. I had the feeling that she had not slept and instead waited all that time for my return.

I quickly get up and look at the monitor only to see A350 outside the door. She seems stressed and worried at the same time. I open it immediately.

“Damn it, what’s with you? Are you deaf? I’ve been knocking against your door for several minutes. It’s a miracle that it has not broken,” she barks at me once the door opens and then looks at me angrily up and down. “You’re not even dressed. Come on, quickly now!”

I quickly run to my closet, in which a freshly washed Legion commander suit is waiting for me. “So what’s going on? Did I forget something?”

“No, but something happened last night. A566 has convened a conference.”

“A566?” I ask and Asha looks at me. This is not like him. Normally A489 convenes all unscheduled conferences. For a moment, I grow cold and fear that he could decide to talk about Finn and myself. Maybe he watched and now wants to get his revenge.

“Do you know what this conference is about?” I ask as a precaution as I slip into the white suit. Meanwhile, I have to show that I don’t think it’s a problem to be naked in front of other women, even if they turned their back to me out of respect.

“Not exactly, but apparently he was attacked,” she answers me. Attacked? Someone other than me attacked him? Asha maybe?

“What does that mean?”

A350 groans, annoyed. “You will learn the same time everyone else does. Come on now! Impatiently she zips up my suit. I did not even have time for a steam shower. Still, I run after her toward the conference room.

As has happened often, A350 and I are the last two to make it to the conference room and have to see the disapproving glances of the other Legion commanders. I do not think A350 would be late if it were not for me. She seems to be the kind of person who would be first to arrive anywhere.

Quickly we slide to our seats. Immediately A566 rises and I notice a blue mark under his swollen right eye. There are also bloody scrapes on his chin. Apparently the attack was a vicious one. Serves him right.

His whole body trembles with rage. “Last night there was an attack on my person and I expect the perpetrators to be punished.”

A489 rises next to A566. “Please, tell us exactly what happened.”

A566 takes a deep breath to keep his anger under control. “Yesterday evening, while in the control room, I was monitoring the sickbay. I noticed one of the cells was opened without permission. Alarmed, I immediately went to the sickbay to ensure order. I arrived at the open cell of patient D523 and caught her night watchman C515 apparently helping her escape. Of course I asked him what he was doing, but he and D523 attacked me immediately. They were so aggressive, almost like wild animals. They lost all control of their selves and hurt me severely. Only with the help of two other guards were we able to subdue them. They took C515 off for questioning and locked D523 back in her cell.”

As A566 completes his report, he puts on an affected face. I would prefer it if he roared this lie loudly. C515 is a fighter and would not even be able to open the cell doors.

A350 now brings this to everyone’s attention, “How was C515 able to open the cell door?”

“He must have had help from a Legion commander,” A566 responds immediately and looks specifically at me, so that everyone will notice.