Radiant Surrender (CSA Case Files Book 6) (37 page)

The sound of something slamming to the ground had John releasing her throat and pointing his weapon toward the door. As Jessie struggled to get oxygen into her lungs and clear the bursting lights from her vision, he must have looked back at the monitor. Not knowing what he saw and not caring, she knew this was the moment. This split second was all that she’d ever get and she knew it. Grabbing the desk phone, she hurled it at his head and when his hands came up to guard his face, she threw her body at him and made a grab for the gun. She didn’t stop to think. She just acted.

John hadn’t been prepared for the attack and he stumbled slightly. She wasn’t sure due to the blood rushing through her ears, but she thought he literally growled as he tried to remain upright. Both of their hands were now wrapped around his weapon and when he lost his footing, she pushed the gun upward and pulled the trigger. She didn’t know if she’d shot him, but she couldn’t stop her momentum that carried her forward until they were both on the ground. The recoil of his weapon had made her lose her grasp and she struggled to feel, or for that matter, see where it had gone. It wasn’t until arms wrapped around her that her adrenaline induced intensity came to a stop.

“It’s over,” Gavin said in a hoarse voice, over and over until Jessie realized that he was really here with her. She turned into him, holding on to him as tightly as she could. She couldn’t help herself. It was either that or allow the tremors to take control of her body. “You’re safe.”

Sobs wracked her as the adrenaline started to fade. Jessie felt Gavin’s arm get a hold of her legs and swing her up into him. She didn’t care where they went and she certainly didn’t look behind them to see what was left of John. Images of where the bullet might have entered his body suffocated her mind until she cried harder. She hadn’t wanted to kill him. She hadn’t wanted to take a life and she wouldn’t wish being in that position on anyone. It also made her appreciate the sacrifices that Gavin and the team made on a daily basis and the weight they must bear on their consciences.

“Jax, take lead on the cleanup, contact the appropriate authorities, and make sure Moser is brought up to date on what just happened,” Gavin said as he placed her in the outer office chair. He had to literally use his hands to unclasp hers from around his neck for she couldn’t seem to move her fingers. “Jessie, I need to clean you up. Keep your eyes closed for me.”

Jessie hadn’t realized she’d had her eyes closed the entire time until he pointed it out. She wasn’t sure what he was talking about until he started to wipe her face and she finally comprehended what that wet feeling had been. She had blood sprayed on her face and she suddenly wanted it gone, wiped away faster than what he was doing. She frantically grabbed at whatever cloth he was using, but he caught her wrists in one hand.

“Stop,” Gavin ordered, no longer using the gentle tone he had earlier. She hated this feeling of helplessness as she sat there and waited for him to get someone else’s blood off of her skin. “Focus on my voice and listen to my words.”

Jessie inhaled deeply, trying to do what Gavin wanted although it wasn’t easy. She held on to his hand tightly as he used the other to wipe the blood from her face. His words eventually penetrated through the fog, telling her how Lou would use this toward her parents’ advantage and how Gavin had every confidence that her parents would walk away free and clear, able to live out their lives here in America. She grasped onto that, mentally using what energy she had left to calm herself down until he was through tending to her.

“Open those green eyes of yours so I can see for myself that you’re okay.” Gavin squeezed her fingers, letting her know that everything was all right. It wasn’t…she’d just killed a man, but she understood the gesture for what it was. “Look at me, Jessie.”

Jessie frowned slightly at the use of her nickname at the end of a clear directive. He always used her full name when he wanted something from her and now should be no different. This train of thought overtook everything else and that was probably a good thing, as it forced her to lift her lashes. He was kneeling before her with a now stained handkerchief in his fist, but she was grateful to see his rugged, handsome face. His mossy green eyes searched hers, as if just looking at her would tell him what she was thinking.

“I thought I was never going to see you again,” Jessie whispered, lifting her hand to place on his cheek when she saw that her hands were splattered with blood. She slowly lowered it, not wanting to get any on him although that didn’t matter from looking at his discolored white dress shirt. She didn’t miss his slight withdrawal and she frowned at the distant gesture. “Gavin? Are you hurt?”

“No.” Gavin looked down at her hands and then took them in his to wipe off what he could. She studied him and figured that maybe the thought of what could have happened today was holding him back. It also gave her something else to think about instead of what was taking place in the other room. “The medics will be here shortly to check you over. Once you’re given the okay, I’m sure the police will want some answers. Don’t say anything until Lou can be with you.”

“Aren’t you going to be with me?” Jessie asked, pulling her eyes away from his to find Jax standing there with a paramedic. She shook her head, grabbing onto Gavin’s hand when he would have stood. “Gavin?”

“I’ll remain with you until Lou arrives.”

That wasn’t the answer Jessie wanted and Gavin obviously knew it, but he didn’t expand on his reply. The paramedic knelt before her and did a quick examination before using some alcohol wipes to finish what Gavin had started. She never took her eyes off of Gavin. He appeared distant, although he wouldn’t leave her side. He continued to talk to Jax and the other team members, but yet he didn’t address her. On one hand it kept her mind occupied. On the other, she felt a different kind of panic take hold and one that was a hell of a lot more detrimental than what she’d just gone through.

“How’s our girl?” Jax asked with a smile, taking the place of the paramedic in front of her. “Remind me not to tangle with you. You not only managed to save your own life, but you did so without breaking a nail. That’s quite an accomplishment.”

Jessie didn’t have the energy to muster a laugh like Jax had intended. She continued to watch Gavin interact with various officers and although he was never far enough away from her to be out of sight, she could feel the distance he was putting between them. She wasn’t one of those wilting flowers that would bow their head when the rain became too hard. He didn’t get to make some final decision that she wasn’t aware of without her input.

“Jessie, give him time,” Jax warned. His usual smile faded from his face as he gave her some sound advice. “I haven’t seen him like this before and I’m betting it has to do with you putting yourself in danger. Let him process it.”

“There’s something else wrong,” Jessie insisted, knowing she was right. She could feel it deep inside of her and maybe it had to do with the connection they’d built over the years, but she felt it diminishing. She wouldn’t allow that to happen, but her quest to find out what was causing him to distance himself was delayed when Lou walked in with his briefcase. “I need to talk to Gavin before giving my statement.”

“Crest, could you come over here?” Jax requested, standing up to his full height. Jessie didn’t think her legs could hold her quite yet, so she remained seated and watched as Gavin excused himself from a group of officers. He stopped to shake hands with Lou, although Gavin’s facial features still appeared set in stone. She couldn’t hear what was being said, but when Lou nodded and appeared to understand what was being required of him she felt left out. He finally made his way over to them, not touching her on the shoulder like he had been. “Jessie would like to talk to you before Lou takes her into the station to give her statement.”

“Give us a moment.” Gavin waited until Jax had stepped away, but he didn’t bother to kneel like before. He looked down at her as if she were nothing more than another closed case and she felt anger start to consume her. “Jessie, Lou is going to take you down to the station. I’ll have Townes follow behind and when you’re through, he’ll see you safely up to Wisconsin where you can remain until your parents’ case is handled. I’ve already arranged with your supervisor to give you the time off you need to deal with family matters.”

“You’ve arranged it?” Jessie asked, more in a whisper because she was afraid once she started yelling she wouldn’t be able to stop. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m not hearing a
we
in any of those directives.”

“You made your choice,” Gavin said, signaling for Lou to come over when Jessie wasn’t ready for that. She stood and fought off the lightheadedness, grabbing onto his arm while holding up one hand to ward off Lou’s approach. “Jessie, there is no need for this. We both agreed that if things between us didn’t work, we’d be honest with each other before things were taken too far. We’re at the crossroads and I wish you nothing but happiness.”

Jessie felt helpless when Gavin took her face in between his palms and gently kissed her lips. He’d never shown that type of affection in public, let alone in front of his colleagues. This was his way of saying goodbye when she hadn’t realized the end was here. She angrily pulled away, pushing at his chest.

“It never fails to come to this, does it, Gavin?” Jessie didn’t bother to lower her voice and she didn’t care who was looking at them. She would set the record straight so that she wouldn’t regret anything come tomorrow morning when she was waking up to a life that she’d saved not thirty minutes ago. “Your superiority reigns and no one else can have a say in your decisions. Guess what? Nothing you say can make me
not
love you. So you can run off and pretend that everything is back in its rightful place, but I will still be here. I will still care for you. I will still love you.”

“Everyone out,” Gavin barked, not taking his eyes off of her. “Now!”

Jessie watched in awe as Jax herded everyone out of the room, regardless that there was a body on the other side of the wall. The actions of those people gave credence to Gavin’s supremacy, which only fueled her anger. She was sick and tired of thinking that his love could be taken away by his own hand. It wasn’t until the room had cleared that she retreated a step when he reached for her, causing the back of her knees to hit the desk chair.

“Don’t touch me,” Jessie said, her voice shaking in rage. She knew that she’d look back at this and know that what she’d just been through might have added to the intensity of her emotions, but she didn’t care. She needed him to understand what he meant to her even if it meant him walking away. She still felt like part of her was in the dark. “You love me, Gavin Crest. You love me more than you ever thought possible and yet you’re willing to walk away as if what these years we’ve had building up to where we are now was nothing. This darkness inside of you that you think will push me away? There’s nothing you could ever tell me or show me that would cause me to turn away from you. If you lose me, it’s because you turned me away, like you’re doing now.”

“Why would you have Smith make you up falsified papers to leave this country? It’s a simple question with a simple answer. You wanted out. You wanted to walk away from us…from me. All I asked for was honesty and you couldn’t even give me that.”

Jessie tried to make sense of his words. He thought she’d asked John to help her leave the country as well? He doubted her that much? She wasn’t sure what hurt worse—his intention of calling things off before finding out the truth or the original insult that he doubted her that much. She wouldn’t offer to make excuses or deny what he thought because it would be useless.

“I love you,” Jessie said softly, shaking her head at what the future held for both of them if he continued to think like this. “I know that’s hard for you to accept, but I love everything about you from the man who feels an innate desire to help anyone in need to the man who craves sexual control with what you consider a dark edge. I consider it something I crave and desire, but I apparently don’t get to make those decisions. So this is how it’s going to go, Gavin. You take all the time you need to think on what I’ve said and when I get back from Wisconsin we’ll talk. Until then, I don’t want to hear from you. Period.”

Jessie went to walk past Gavin when he wrapped his hand around her arm, but she shot him a look that even he couldn’t misunderstand. She was through with this back and forth emotional garbage he’d staked a claim on. Yes, his desire for a specific lifestyle might have turned off most women, but she’d proven him otherwise. She was his equal in every way, but words weren’t enough. He’d taken the first chance he got to think that she would walk away. It was out of her control now. He’d have to come to her with his heart in his hands. She’d survived walking away before and she could do it again even though her spirit felt like someone had torn it apart piece by piece.

“Goodbye, Gavin.”

Chapter Thirty-Five

C
rest watched as Townes drove his motorcycle up the lane to the lake house and pulled in beside his black Koenigsegg CCX sports car. He turned his head to his passenger and said a few words, although it appeared she didn’t like what was said. Jessie swung her denim-clad leg over the back until her foot touched the ground. He devoured her with his eyes, needing to see for himself once more than she was unscathed by what had taken place. This week had been torture and he’d deserved every goddamn second of it. It had taken days of solitude to comprehend that Jessica Marie Miller loved every part of who he was. There were no more doubts about what he felt for her, but he did have misgivings on if he could convince her of that fact.