Radiant (16 page)

Mother looked at me with suspicion—maybe worried I'd launch into a tirade. "I told you, Youn Suu, he's just a friend."

"I hope it works out for you, Mother. Really."

She stared at me a moment. "You're in bad trouble, aren't you."

"Yes. All kinds of it."

Silence. Then: "You're strong. I told the man at the birth clinic, 'Make her strong.' And he did. I did everything I could to make you strong. You'll be okay. Really."

Part of me wanted to say,
Don't be ridiculous, Mother, you didn't do everything you could. You paid a lot of money in the bioengineering phase, but once I was born, and you saw my face, you lost every drop of enthusiasm. After that, I was just a burden.
But I stifled the words. "I
am
strong," I said. "We'll see what happens next."

We both pressed our DISCONNECT buttons. Neither of us said good-bye.

Still too early for bed. I found I was surprisingly hungry, but couldn't go down to the mess hall again for fear that Tut was still there. (What was I afraid would happen? Don't ask. I refused to contemplate the possibilities.) With no other way to distract myself, I went back to my latest Princess Gotama statue. A few minutes later, when the door chirped to announce a visitor, I gratefully said, "Come in."

I thought it might be Festina, or perhaps Captain Cohen checking up on me in grandfatherly concern. To my surprise, it was Commander Miriam Ubatu of the Outward Fleet Diplomacy Corps... looking less like a VIP and more like an ordinary nineteen-year-old coming to visit someone her age. The diamond studs were gone from her nose (replaced by simple steel wire), and she'd changed from her gold uniform into unprepossessing civilian clothes: plain black T-shirt and plain black pants, with enough silver skin-embeds on her arms and bare midriff to soften the black-on-black "ninja Amazon" effect. Still, she was a superior officer; I scrambled to my feet and gave a salute, which she waved away without returning. "Forget the formalities, Youn Suu. This isn't a business visit."

"Was there something you needed?" I asked... thinking she might have run out of champagne or wanted her uniform pressed.

"No, I'm fine. I thought we could talk."

I almost said,
Talk about what?
But the words sounded rude in my head, as if I doubted Ubatu and I had any common ground for conversation. Instead, I went with simple politeness: "Would you like to sit down?"

She took the only chair—the one at my desk. I settled onto the bed... sitting perched on the edge rather than letting myself relax. Whatever Ubatu had come for, I doubted this would be a session of casual girl talk.

"So how are you feeling?" she asked—not meeting my eyes.

"You mean with the Balrog inside me?"

"Yes. Do you feel... different?"

"Not really. Whatever the spores are doing to my body, there's no noticeable sensation."

"I see." Ubatu glanced my way, then averted her eyes again. "Do you think the Balrog is affecting your mind?"

"Why do you ask?" My mother wasn't the only one who could answer a question with a question.

"I just wanted..." Ubatu paused and bit her lip, as if trying to decide whether to say something. Finally she took a deep breath. "Have you heard of Ifa-Vodun?"

"Is that a person?"

"No. Ifa-Vodun means Spirit of Prophecy. It's a movement."

"You mean a religion."

She shrugged. "I see it more as a sensible response to humanity's position in the cosmos."

"What position would that be?"

"The bottom of the heap, looking up. Above us are all kinds of aliens with varying degrees of power and knowledge... so it makes sense for us to reach out however we can. Contact some of those aliens and see what happens."

"Don't we do that already?" I asked. "You're in the Diplomacy Corps. Surely you know how hard the navy and Technocracy government keep working to establish relations with higher aliens."

Ubatu made a face. "Oh yes, they're constantly trying to 'establish relations'... old-fashioned diplomacy with official envoys, and embassies, and notes of accreditation. But our diplomatic protocols have always been geared for creatures on our own intellectual level, not for higher beings. In the four centuries since we left Old Earth, our diplomacy hasn't got anywhere with elevated lifeforms. Sometimes an advanced entity will speak to selected humans for its own purposes, but it doesn't work the other way. Standard diplomacy has failed to set up any back-and-forth dialogue."

"In the Explorer Academy," I said, "our teachers believed that higher lifeforms don't want back-and-forth dialogue... any more than we humans want dialogue with slugs and earthworms. As you said, higher lifeforms only interact with humans when it suits their own purposes. Otherwise, they have better things to do than chat with
Homo sapiens."

"Exactly!" Ubatu smiled as if I'd just proved her point. "We've been trying to catch higher aliens' attention for four centuries. If they wanted to talk to us, they would have. So isn't it time to admit that conventional diplomacy doesn't work?"

I kept my face passive, but internally I winced. When people announce that diplomacy has failed, there's always a Plan B they're eager to try. History is littered with disastrous Plan Bs. "What's the alternative to diplomacy?" I asked.

"Other forms of approach," Ubatu said. "Other ways of soliciting attention."

"Such as?"

"Ifa-Vodun. Which means recognizing that higher lifeforms
are
higher lifeforms. We can't approach superior beings as if we're their equals. It's better to approach them as supplicants."

"Supplicants? Ah." I suddenly got the picture. "You're setting up a religion to worship advanced aliens."

"We don't put it like that. Ifa-Vodun adopts traditional methods of divine entreaty as an alternative to sterile diplomatic culture."

She's quoting some pamphlet,
I thought. "So instead of writing communiqués, you get naked and chop off the head of a chicken?"

I meant it as a joke... but she nodded.

"Yes, we're experimenting with animal sacrifice. Blood rituals of all kinds. And, of course, chanting, dancing, sacramental copulation. Ifa-Vodun is a new movement—we're investigating a diversity of avenues to see what works."

"So... so..." I'd just realized the significance of
Vodun
in the name of Ubatu's "movement." "Are you seriously telling me that members of the Dip Corps are trying to catch aliens' attention through voodoo?"

"Don't be dismissive," she said. "Traditional Vodun is a respectable faith—nothing like the way it's portrayed in Devils 'n' Demolition VR. Besides, Ifa-Vodun doesn't ask you to believe Vodun theology. We're just seeing if Vodun forms can win perks from higher beings."

"So you don't even respect voodoo as a religion? It's just a means to an end?"

"We would never trivialize..." Ubatu stopped herself and took a breath. "Our movement respects Vodun enough to adopt its practices. Doesn't that speak for itself?"

Perhaps. I knew little about Voodoo/Vodun. Maybe sincere believers would take it as a compliment if navy diplomats co-opted Vodun rites to suck up to aliens. Probably a number of those diplomats were believers themselves; there must be a reason why they chose Vodun over all the other human religions that have sought to win favor with powerful spirits. And maybe the Dip Corps was full of such "movements." Ifa-Vodun struck a chord with people of appropriate cultural background. Meanwhile, maybe diplomats of Bamar origin did homage to advanced lifeforms by burning PARINIRVANA BRAND INCENSE-STICKS™.

But there was still one important question. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked.

Ubatu turned away as if the answer embarrassed her. Finally she said, "Do you know what it means to be ridden by the loa?"

"No. What's a loa?"

"A Vodun spirit. There are lots of different loa, but most are benevolent, wise, and powerful. When a loa rides somebody, it means the spirit takes over the person's body. The loa speaks and acts through the person being ridden."

"In other words, the person is possessed by the loa spirit."

"More or less," Ubatu said. "It's a time when others can talk to the loa. You ask questions, and maybe the loa will answer."

"The loa become diplomatically approachable?"

"Exactly! Using Vodun rituals, you summon a loa to ride a chosen host so you can converse respectfully. Ifa-Vodun is
very
interested in loa possession... and in finding ways to entice the spirits to do it more often."

Ah. Finally, I made the connection—what this visit was about. I had spores inside me... or to use Ubatu's terminology, I was being ridden by the powerful alien loa that called itself the Balrog. By the precepts of Ifa-Vodun, I was therefore a prime diplomatic opportunity. Maybe the Balrog would speak through me, sharing valuable knowledge about the universe. Even if that didn't happen, Ubatu wanted to learn what I'd done to draw the spores into me: how I'd made myself a tempting vessel for loa/alien possession.

Thinking back on the past few hours, I realized Ubatu had displayed great interest in Balrog behavior. I'd interpreted that as ghoulish fascination at the thought of others being eaten... but I'd been wrong. This went deeper than casual curiosity. It was like some religious imperative, fostered by a secret society within the Diplomacy Corps and leading who knew where?

"You should go now," I told Ubatu. "I want you to go. Get out."

"All right," Ubatu said. "For now. You still have too much personal control to let the Balrog speak to me. But that will change, won't it? The Balrog will slowly edge you out. Then I'll find ways to win it over."

"Beheading a chicken and writing with its blood?"

"We'll see."

She stood abruptly, a tall woman looming above me... and suddenly her black-on-black outfit with abstract silver symbols embedded in the flesh of her arms and belly struck me as much more than they'd originally seemed. I'd thought it was all just fashionable streetwear; but really she'd traded her navy gold for another uniform. An Ifa-Vodun priestess? A priestess who hoped the Balrog would expunge my Youn Suu personality, thereby becoming pure loa?

"Leave," I said.

"I'm leaving. Good night."

She made an odd gesture as she went through the door. I didn't want to guess its significance.

Anatta [Sanskrit]: The precept that no one has a permanent self. Other religions may believe in an "immortal soul," but the Buddha rejected this idea. He contended we are all composite beings, made of flesh, thoughts, emotions, etc., and all these change over time. There is no component one can point to and say, "That is my unchanging core."

In the next half hour, I wrote a BE ADVISED memo about Ifa-Vodun and put it in
Pistachio's
dispatch queue for eventual delivery to Explorer Corps HQ. Explorers across the galaxy used such memos to warn each other of possible risks—not just physical threats but anything that might make the job more perverse. Soon, Explorers everywhere would be on the watch for Ifa-Vodun and similar activities. It wouldn't take long for our corps to gather a dossier of useful information... and for teachers at the Academy to begin brainstorming what they ought to tell cadets.

Happy that I'd accomplished something useful on an otherwise bad day, I went to bed. Where I couldn't sleep. So I lay on my back, staring up into blackness. A starship cabin with no lights on is as dark as the deepest cave.

The room began to feel close and airless, as if the ventilators had stopped working. I was wearing the light nightie I usually slept in, but after a while, I couldn't stand the straitjacket feel of it against me. I fought my way out of the nightie's clutch, almost tearing it in my haste; then I balled it up and threw it into the darkness. The cloth had been soaked with perspiration.

I lay back down, this time on top of the sheets and covers, sprawling wide to radiate the suffocating heat that seemed to pour off me. Burning up. Fever—I was dripping with fever. My ears began to ring. Something swam inside my head, but I didn't know what it was.

It occurred to me my immune system had finally realized I'd been invaded by foreign organisms. This fever was the result. Perhaps I should call for a doctor—just whispering "Help!" would tell the ship's computer to start emergency procedures. But I couldn't bear the thought of being found naked and slick with sweat. Drenched. Sodden. Festina would see me, and Tut would see me, and Ubatu might smear me with pig's blood...

The blackness was pierced by two spots of crimson. They shone from the tops of my feet—bright red spores glowing from where I'd been bitten.

Slowly, I sat up: propped damp pillows behind me so I could flop back against the bed's headboard with my legs spread in front of me. Sweat trickled and rolled down my flesh. My weeping cheek was so runny, fluid streamed down my jawline and dripped off my chin onto my breasts. The splashes felt simmering hot.

In a while,
I thought,
I'll be delirious.
Things had already lost their sense of reality. I moved my feet, and the red dots moved too... like tiny spotlights, bright enough to show the outlines of my legs in the pitch-dark room. The sight was numbly mesmerizing. I moved my feet again, watching shadows shift across me. Reflections of the red dots glistened in the sweat on my thighs. I looked at the dots with befuddled wonderment, as if they were miraculous phenomena... but despite my growing dizziness, I knew why the dots had come.

No more strength in my limbs. Limp. Sinking into the bed. My eyes slumped shut, exhausted from the effort of staying open... but it seemed as if I could still see the two red dots glowing in an otherwise black universe.

"All right, Balrog," I mumbled. "Talk to me."

A vision. Bodyless, floating. Over an infinite row of Youn Suu's, each inside some prison. Prisons shaped like eggs with barred windows, or glass-walled coffins, or golden castles with jewel-speckled towers but not a single door.

Many of the Youn Suu's were dead. Some freshly dead and cooling. Some well into putrefaction. Some gone dry and withered. The ones in worst condition were children. Five-year-old Youn Suu's who hadn't looked both ways crossing the street... two-year-olds who'd put the wrong things in their mouths... eight-year-olds who didn't notice the infected mosquito land on their arms.