Radiance (9 page)

And he got her for me.

It took almost a year of gentle, insistent courting to seduce Madame Mortimer for my personal use. But Mary Pellam moved in by Christmas and had taught me to shoot like a bandit queen by Easter. The night after my father put a ring on her finger I sat up quite late, thinking very seriously about what had just occurred. I could ask for anything and receive it. Even people. Even a mother. I had a terrible power. I could easily become a monster like Kilkenny. Monstrous in my appetites, and each of them satisfied without end. I was reasonably certain I didn't have a choice in the matter. I'd never seen a movie about someone with power who turned out nicely. If you have something, well, you've got to use it. I cried myself to sleep that night. I had been given a destiny, and that destiny was to be a villain, when all I wanted was to be Madame Mortimer.

Mary Pellam was a good mum. She taught me the Four Laws of Acting, which she had made up over gimlets at the Tithonus Savoy one afternoon so she could make a little scratch teaching between MM features.

[SEVERIN breaks into a glossy imitation of Mary Pellam's crisp Oxford accent.]

No one will listen to a word you say if you don't gin up a System of some sort. Everyone loves a System. Laws, Rules, Keys. You can sell Laws. You can't sell, “Just be good at this for God's sake; I'll need a drink if you're going to keep on like that.” If there's a System to follow, that means it's easy—why, patting up a good strawberry tart is a harder job than acting! If only we had known all along! Jolly good we've got you to set us straight, Mary. Offer up a System and everyone relaxes.

Mother Mary's been retired for a while now, so I won't be stepping on her side gig if I reveal her secrets. Miss Pellam's Four Immutable, Immaculate, Ingenious, Imitable Laws of Acting:

1. Show up on time.

2. Bring your own makeup.

3. If you're going to sleep with someone on set, make sure it's the director.

4. Remember that the expressions and vocal patterns you are committing to film will become synecdoches. That's a big word for a little mouth like yours, Rinny. It means something little that stands in for something big. Your smile will stand in for all human happiness. Your tears will be a model for everyone else's sadness. Wives will copy your red nose, your shaking voice, the shape of your aghast mouth when they beg their husbands not to abandon them. Rakes will arch their eyebrows the way you do, grin just like you, tip their hat at your hat's angle, and, with the weapons you give them, they will seduce the folk of their choice with ease. The more successful your film, the wider these synecdoches will spread. You have a responsibility to the people who will repeat your lines, wink your winks, imitate your laughter without knowing they are imitating anything. This is the secret power that actors hold. It is almost like being a god. We create what it is to be human when we stand fifty feet tall on a silk screen.

So you'd better be good at it, for God's sake.

Mary Pellam was pretty as a playbill and hard as a hammer, but she was a philosopher, too. I used to stand next to her in the upstairs bath and we'd practice our faces in the mirror.

Determined. Betrayed. In Love. Awed by the Numinous.

She had 769 faces in the bank, she said, and was working on Number 770. She kept a little notebook with a green velvet cover that had all her Systems inside. But she wouldn't write in a face until she had it deep down, locked up and loaded into the bones of her face. As I was only little, I couldn't be expected to have so many, but no time like the present! If I applied myself, I might have as many as twenty under my belt by the time school started in the fall.
Try Number 123, Attentive Reporter. Or Number 419, I Know Whodunit but I Won't Say Yet, No Sir. And Number 42, Is That for
Me
?, useful for class birthday parties and being asked to jump rope with the bigger girls. Don't think school isn't a movie set, kid. It's the most cutthroat location you'll find 'til you work for your father. You'll be competing for roles and you won't even know what they are, or when auditions are over and you're stuck with what you've got. I'd shoot for Professional Understudy. That way you can move from clique to clique undetected. Play chess until you can beat the club champion—but don't move in for the kill. Let her have her pride. Move on and learn how to outqueen the queen bee.

Pretend you're Madame Mortimer
, she told me.
Perfect your disguise case and you can go anywhere
.

I remember touching her green velvet notebook. It had a brass lock on the side. I thought it must contain everything you could ever need to know about being alive. I was sure Mary had a System for anybody I wanted to be somewhere in that book.

She and my father weren't well matched, though. That's what happens when you let your kid pick your wife. He's lucky I didn't pick the dinosaur from
Attack of the Cryptolizards
, a B-flick my Uncle Gaspard made on the cheap and I loved like most children love their blankets.

Obviously, Gaspard Almstedt wasn't really my uncle. He was Ada Lop's agent's lover, which made him family. Eventually, Madame Mortimer packed up her things and moved on to her next case, citing a need to hunt down Number 771 on Neptune, where the gravity changed the whole muscle sequence of smiling. In her wake, my father fell hard for Ms Lop.

Ada Lop, born Adelaida Loparyova, got her start in the business as a ballerina, although she was never one of the pink and rose-scented set. [Footage of Ada Lop's performance with the Bolshoi plays beneath SEVERIN'S words.] Instead she tore her tulle to pieces at the culmination of
Giselle
and streaked her body with ugly black paint like blood. She kept the paint in little packets sewn into her leotard until the moment at hand. The first time, this was rebellion on her part—a statement about the stagnation of the ballet world, performing the same handful of very pretty but stultifying shows on a long loop—but it caused such a storm that she was compelled by her directors to repeat it night after night, to increasing and passionate crowds. She repeated it until she hated it. Until the tears were real. Until her body revolted and developed an allergy to the pigment in her leotard, and she retired up to the Moon and onto the screen, as so many dancers did in those early days. It is now simply part of the ballet. You'd be hard pressed to find a
Giselle
mounted anywhere outside of Nekyia that does not conclude with a young woman doing serious damage to her costume. The Plutonians are all decadents, anyway: the planet of the lotus-eaters.

On the first morning of her new life as my third mother, still in her bridal nightgown, with her long hair falling down her back like black paint, Ada made me breakfast. Hard-boiled egg, bitter greens, Saturnine corncakes, and a thin, almost translucent slice of pink pork from the rooftop farms in Tithonus. She even let me have coffee. She poured it into a cup meant for one of my old dolls, then poured herself a much bigger cup. We both got cream, I got sugar, and Ada Lop looked at me with those famous gigantic dark eyes and asked me what kind of mother I wanted her to be. She was very frank that way. She just asked things and expected straight answers, even when they were inhuman, unrealistic, performative questions. She performed even her most intimate conversations. As if we were recording all the time. I suppose we were, which is probably why Ada lasted so long in our house. No one in the world talked out loud like Ada talked. Not even people in plays. It's too hard to write. Embarrassing to everyone else, but nothing embarrassed Ada.

[SEVERIN'S voice deepens, a cigarette-voice, feathery and Slavic.]

What does love look like to you? What do you think a mother is?

I was ten and a half. I was ten and a half and she was asking me for stage directions. I said, rather churlishly:
A mother is whatever a father isn't. She's a detective. She's a bandit. She knows 770 faces. A mother is a person who leaves.

Honestly, Ada Lop was the best interviewer I ever met. She got you off your guard. She asked things nobody asked. You never got to know her, but she'd get every last drop out of you and in her cup. I always wear her wedding ring when I interview somebody. It has a black amber stone in it with a golden flaw, like an eye. And she did exactly as I asked. Whatever my father failed to do, she picked up; taught me how to fix a cannon and do my own taxes and do a perfect plié and that to perform, to
really
perform, you have to make yourself ugly at some point.
Nothing real is pretty
, she said.
Only a doll is pretty
.
And a pretty doll drinks out of a tiny cup forever. A woman wants a big cup
.

There's a fairy tale where all the good fairies come to bless a princess and give her something she needs. Beauty, a good singing voice, manners, skill at maths. But they forget to invite one fairy and so she curses the girl to die young and a whole heap of nonsense follows on—I don't really care about the rest of it, it's a just lot of overwrought handwringing about who marries who.

Point is, I didn't have twelve fairies, but I guess I had seven.

[SEVERIN leans into the lens conspiratorially, inviting anyone and everyone into her confidence. Smoke curls around her face.]

I'm thinking of actually putting this stuff in the final cut. Everyone wants to know about my mothers, so why not lay it all out? But then I'd have to start over. From the beginning, because the beginning is where the end gets born. I suppose I could edit it back together so it looks like I started with Clotilde, which means starting with myself, with that morning and that doorstep and that ridiculous blanket. But that wouldn't be
honest
. That wouldn't be real. That would give you the idea that a life is a simple thing to tell, that it's obvious where to start—BIRTH—and even more obvious where to stop—DEATH. Fade from black to black. I won't have it. I won't be one of the hundreds telling you that being alive flows like a story you write consciously, deliberately, full of linear narrative, foreshadowing, repetition, motifs. The emotional beats come down where they should, last as long as they should, end when they should, and that
should
come from somewhere real and natural, not from the tyranny of the theatre, the utter hegemony of fiction. Why, isn't living
easy
? Isn't it
grand
? As easy as reading out loud.

No.

If I slice it all up and stitch it back together, you might not understand what I've been trying to say all my life: that any story is a lie cunningly told to hide the real world from the poor bastards who live in it. I can't. I can't tell you that lie. That's Dad's game, and I've been sick of playing it since I was four.

If I fixed it so time goes the way you expect, you might come away thinking I know what the hell I'm doing.

So. Act One, Scene One. Arriving shortly after Scene Two but well before the swelling Overture. We'll get to the trumpets and the timpani when this big bullet fires into Jupiter orbit.

[SEVERIN rolls her eyes in disgust and runs her hand through bobbed hair full of split ends and static, scratching the back of her head, bashful. She pulls her knees up under her chin and watches the camera watching her. She peels a slice of af-yun from her ball and places it on her tongue like a Eucharist. A shower of ice shimmers outside the porthole ringing her head: a saint's corona. The rest of her words play over exterior shots of the ice road intercut with old footage in which she is just leaving the frame: ice crystals; a girl running out the door of a soundstage; snowy seeds and pebbles; the back of her head as she burrows into a heap of costumes; frozen boulders, colliding and breaking apart, fracturing, bursting, tumbling through the dark. The
Swaddling Clothes
had to be kitted out prelaunch: fore, aft, two starboard and two portside cameras, each globed in a protective plasto-crystal lantern. The lantern warps the image slightly, fisheyes it so that we seem to see as we do when just waking: blurry at the edges, soft with frost and dust, only the centre of vision perfectly, painfully clear.

The flotsam dissolves to show their passage through the asteroid belt, never an easy slalom. Other ships pass by in the Orient Express, the ice road, the traffic jam of heaven, nearly clipping the corners of the swift, silent reef around them, sometimes just barrelling through and hoping for the best, streaming on undaunted, with dents buckling their hulls.]

SEVERIN (V.O.)

God, when I record sound, I feel so
alive
. I feel excited about my work. I feel like Ada Lop when she first crushed a hundred little capsules of black paint against her breast. I feel ugly. I feel real. My voice is raspy and kicks around a low tenor from the af-yun. The dryness of our recycled air kicks it down a note or two from true and makes it squeak when it should flow on. It's not a leading lady's voice.

But it's mine.

And fuck Uncle Freddy if he thinks he can keep me quiet.

Well, once upon a time I was a baby. Everybody was, but no one
remembers
themselves as babies. There is some line in the sand, some pole vault of sentience over which we suddenly begin to learn the trick of memory. It's not innate—I don't think so, at least. I think if you left a baby alone it would grow up on the crest of
now
, experiencing time like a lion: only this instant, only the hunt and the blood and the cubs and the mating and the long savannah full of prey. Nothing comes before you sink your teeth into skin and meat and marrow. Nothing will come after. Everything is always happening for the first time.

But what baby ever got left alone?

Not me, if that's what you're thinking.

I hate talking about how I was born. Obviously I don't remember it. It's a story that's been told to me. We all start out with this lie. Our parents tell us the story of our beginning and they have total control of it. Over the years they change it—they know they've changed it, and
we
know they've changed it, but we just let them. They massage the details to reflect who we are now, so that there will be a sense to it:
You are
this
because
that. We gave you a blanket with birdies on it and now you're a pilot, how lovely! All so that we think of ourselves as being in … not just a story, but a
good
story. One written by someone in full command of their craft. Someone who abides by the contract with the audience, even if the audience is us. Everyone loves a System. Everyone relaxes.