Racing for Freedom (4 page)

“Getting drunk to deal with your loss, Dashy?”

I sigh and turn. Slade is sitting on the couch, leaning back with his arm slung casually over Kandee, who is stroking his thigh and grinning at me. Ugh.
Seriously.

“Are you going to get over that anytime soon, Slade? Or are we going to hear about it for the next six years?”

He grins, and twirls a strand of Kandee’s perfect hair in his finger. “I’ll give it ten, just to make sure I’ve well and truly worn it out.”

“Do you have a nice bone left in your body?” I snap.

Dammit, now I’m snapping. Alcohol doesn’t tend to make me mellow, in fact, it has the opposite effect.

“Of course, just not for you.”

“You’re a jerk, do you know that? Why don’t you just leave?”

He laughs loudly. “Still got that hot temper? It always did get you into trouble.”

“Drop it!” I snarl, clenching my fists.

“Come on Dash, can’t we just get along? I remember once we got along very well.”

My cheeks heat and I glare at him. If he brings that up in front of everyone…

“I remember how much you once wanted me, I remember the way you moved with me when I took
your…”

“Enough!” I hiss.

He laughs. “Dash, come on, nothing to be ashamed about.”

Kandee is giggling and my cheeks are heating, that night, to me was…special…horrible and life changing all in one hit. To Slade, it was no more than an easy fuck, clearly. He puts his hands on his chest and runs them down his body, groaning.

“Slade, your body is amazing,” he mocks.

I feel my vision begin to blur with shame, my skin prickles and my body heats. He grips his own groin and groans.

“Oh god, yes, more…”

I close my eyes and they burn with unshed tears. We were best friends once, we were each other’s everything. He took my virginity. He made me believe it was real and now here he is mocking me, like I meant nothing to him.
Nothing at all. I clench my fists as I watch him continue to mock me on the couch. Everyone is laughing and staring at me.

I turn my eyes towards Slade’s once more and I croak out. “What did I ever do to you Slade? I loved you, I cherished you, you were my best friend and now…now I hate you. I hope you know that. I hate you so much it burns.”

Then I turn and rush towards the door but not before I catch Slade’s shocked expression.

I find the beach and drop down onto the sand, putting my head in my hands. I’m so humiliated. He made out like that night was nothing but a joke, when to me, it was everything. I was just a young girl wanting love, from the person she thought would give it to her, but he didn’t. Well…he did…and then he left and when he came back, he treated me like we never shared anything.

I can see him in the corner with Mary, I wish to god he would just turn and look at me. I picked this dress, it took me all afternoon to find it and it’s beautiful. It’s tight, sexy and everything men would want to see. He hasn’t noticed though, he’s still running his hands all over her. I take another drink, fire fills my belly. I’m jealous, I’m angry and I’m hurt. I begin dancing with every man I can find, until finally he notices me.

He comes over, his dark brown hair is falling over his forehead in that messy but perfect way. His blue green eyes are twinkling with amusement. He thinks it’s funny that I’m dancing with other men. He’s not jealous at all. Not like me. Maybe our hearts are in different places. Maybe they always have been. I shove him away when he tries to pull me towards the door, insisting I go with him.

“Dash, move, come on.”

His voice is angry now, like suddenly it’s no longer a joke. He gets me outside and onto a quiet spot in the yard. There’s no one out here and it’s dark and secluded. He shoves me until we are against the back fence, then he leans in and begins asking me what the hell I’m doing here and why I’m dancing with random men.

“Go away Slade, what does it matter to you who I dance with?”

“It matters because you’re better than this! You’re too good for them.”

“But not good enough for you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

The alcohol is in my head now and I’m feeling a lot…stronger. I shove his chest and growl, “I’m not good enough for you. I picked this dress, I did my hair, I made myself beautiful, for you, and you didn’t notice. You never notice. All you see is a friend, a sister, someone you can hang out with. I want to be so much more, I’ve
been wanting you since the day I turned sixteen. I’ve wanted to make love with you and…”

“Dash, what are you talking about?”

“You don’t see me, do you?”

He strokes my cheek. “I see you Dash, but…I don’t want to hurt you and…”

“I want you to be my first and you won’t even look at me.”

“Dash…”

“You won’t even kiss me. I want you Slade, I want every part of you.”

He grips my face. “Dash, you can’t…we can’t.”

“Why not?” I whisper, leaning close and brushing my lips against his. He groans.

“No Dash, I mean it.”

I lean in and press my lips against his neck and he groans.

“I don’t want no, Slade, I want yes.”

“Dash, please, don’t…I said no.”

I grip his chest, running my hands over the hard plains.

“I want you, Slade, I want you.”

“Dash, come on, stop.” He whispers, but he’s breaking. I keep going.

“You tell me why, and I’ll stop.”

“Because, it’s just
not…I don’t want it.”

“You want it when those girls inside touch you,” I murmur, pressing my lips against his.

He groans and tries to grip my shoulders, but I press my lips harder against his and his hands move lower.

“Those girls aren’t you.”

I press my lips to his fully now and he groans, tangling his fingers in my hair and pulling me close. Our lips slide across each other’s and oh, it’s exactly how I imagined it to be. His body is pressed against mine, and my back is against the fence. I groan and press myself further against him and he responds with a groan of his own, before wrenching his lips away.

“Dash, come on, please stop.”

“Don’t, give me a reason why not, just let me have you.”

Frenzy takes over then and we begin touching and pulling at each other. It’s not slow and beautiful like it should be, it’s fast and desperate. His fingers are gripping my dress and pulling it
up, my fingers are gripping his pants and pulling them down. I hear the crackling of a condom wrapper and then my legs are around his hips, he’s gentle but hard as he slides inside me. Pain tears through my body, quickly followed by pleasure. He begins moving faster, harder and my body comes to life.

“Slade, oh god, more.”

He’s grunting, his hips are thrusting and he’s murmuring things I don’t understand. It’s perfect and yet it’s so wrong. This isn’t how I imagined it to be. I wanted him to take me home and put me in bed, to kiss me everywhere, to make it special. Yet, part of me finds this so special, because the frenzy is out of this world. His body is out of this world. His lips are out of this world and he feels so good against me, inside me.

“Slade, more,” I whimper, running my hands down his chest.

“Dash, god, I can’t…”

He groans and I feel him pulsing as I begin clenching around him with my own release. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before, it’s mind blowing, heart stopping, gut wrenching. When he stops groaning, he lets me down and I adjust myself. He fiddles about for a moment, and then he pulls up his jeans and glares at me with such force it shocks me.

“Why do you make me do that, Dash?”

“I didn’t make you do anything!”

“I said…I said it wasn’t a good idea. This isn’t a good idea. Do you understand?”

Hot tears burn in my eyes.

“It was to me, it was all I wanted.”

“You wanted to be fucked against a fence?”

“Well no but…”

“Why do you push?” he roars. “Why do you push when you’re told no?”

“Because…I thought you wanted it too,” I whisper.

“I didn’t!” he snarls. “I didn’t, but you wouldn’t listen. You didn’t listen. You never listen.”

“Slade,” I whisper, feeling tears spill down my cheeks.

“I don’t want you, Dash, I don’t…do you hear me?”

My eyes burn. So all that was to him, was sex? That’s it? He glares at me once more and then he disappears into the darkness and I fall to my knees and scream.

“Tell me what happened?” Payton whispers, coming to sit beside me.

I’m still deep in memory land and struggle to pull myself out of it. Slade’s painful words that night grip my heart and tear me to pieces. I don’t want you, I don’t want you. I’ll never live it down. I’ll never forgive him or myself for that night.

“It’s a long story.” I finally say.

“I’ve got all night.”

I close my eyes. “I was
eighteen, he was twenty. We had been friends for so long and oh Payton, I loved him. He was my sunshine. He was everything I wanted to be and more. Back then, he was beautiful. We both raced, but the competition was never there, you know? It didn’t matter who won or lost. It started changing about four months before my mum died. He started growing distant, started racing to win and not caring about how that made me feel. I still loved him though, oh, I still loved him. I thought it was just a stage. One night, I went to my first party and I knew he was going to be there. I was so excited. I wanted it to be the perfect night. I was young, immature and I was sure I could get him to sleep with me. Part of my childish brain thought if I could get him to be with me, then he would remember why he cared and come back to me, he’d been so distant.”

I stop talking and cover my face, shame rising in my cheeks as I remember that night.

“Keep going honey,” Payton soothes.

“Well, I got to the party and he was there. He was with this girl, and he was all over her, letting her touch him. I tried to get his attention, but he just didn’t notice me, so I
started dancing with anyone I could find. He finally noticed and pulled me outside. I…I begged him to sleep with me, I begged like a little child. It was so awful. He told me not to, he told me to stop, heck, he said no, but I pushed and I pushed until we had sex, right there against a fence.”

I close my eyes again, my cheeks burn with shame. Payton takes my hand and just lets me have a moment.

“I went home, ashamed, hurt, wondering what I did wrong. Wondering why he pushed me away like that. I got home and my parents weren’t back from their dinner, so I lay on the couch and I waited for them. In the morning my father walked through the door and his eyes were so red, I’ve never seen such red eyes. He told my mum died that night. I was out with Slade, begging to be fucked and my mother was dying. I never got to say goodbye. If I had have stayed home, we would have had dinner in and…”

Payton wraps her arm around me and holds me tightly.
Rocking me even though I’m not crying. She makes a pained sound and pulls back, staring down at me. “You never told me.”

“What was there to say? I blamed myself for my own mother’s death and then Slade…”

“Oh honey, it wasn’t your fault. You were just a girl, looking for something from a boy she loved. Your parents went out…bad things happen honey. It couldn’t have been prevented.”

“If I stayed home…”

“Do you think they wouldn’t have gone out anyway?”

I close my eyes and they burn, oh god they burn.

“I know,” I whisper.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Slade?”

“It was complicated.”

“I’m so sorry
Dash, I can’t imagine how that must feel.”

“He was my best
friend, I met him when I was just thirteen. We played in the cars and spent weekends at the track together, our parents never even knew. I loved him.”

“I wish I could say something to make it better…”

“Payton?”

I hear Dean coming down the beach and I take a deep breath. I can’t ruin this for her. She doesn’t deserve to have her night ruined because of me. I stand and force a smile.

“You two go back to the party, I’m going to head home.”

“How will you get there?”

“I’ll catch a cab.”

“Are you sure?” Payton asks.

“I’ve been drinking, it’s safest.”

“Ok honey, take care.”

“Thanks for tonight, sorry I couldn’t be more fun.”

“No problems
Dash, don’t worry about it.” Dean smiles.

I say goodbye and head up to the road. I dial for a cab and then sit on a nearby bus stop and wait. I see Slade come out of the house just as my cab pulls up. He notices me and calls my name. Oh no, we are not talking about this, or going over anything more. He’s humiliated me enough. I stare at him and I know he can see the pain in my eyes. I get into the cab and direct the driver to my house. I don’t look at Slade as we go
past, I just turn my head to the side and stare into the darkness.