Rachel and Leah (Women of Genesis) (25 page)

“No one else can put up with Leah.”

“I think Zilpah will,” said Jacob. “Zilpah?” Rachel laughed. “She was assigned to
me
. Not that I want her, either!”

“Zilpah was assigned to you in order to spy on
me
,” said Jacob.

Rachel looked at him narrowly. “Is that a guess, or did God tell you?”

“Zilpah told me.”

“Well, she’s a liar.”

“Don’t say that so easily, my sweet girl, when you didn’t see her face as she told me about it.”

“You always call me your ‘sweet girl’ when what you really mean is ‘you stupid girl.’”

“But I never mean ‘you stupid girl.’ Not even when you’re really, really stupid.”

She looked at him sharply and saw that he was laughing silently.

“I don’t know if I’m going to like being married to a man who ridicules me.”

“What should I do, then, just gaze in perpetual rapture at your astonishing beauty?”

“Not all the time. Just whenever you think I’m stupid.”

He laughed out loud this time. But then grew sober at once. “Leah is so unhappy. Our marriage weighs on her as a burden. The Lord showed her the way out of her misery by turning her heart toward the word of God. But now she’s turned away from his word because it didn’t give her the answers that she wanted. And out of envy of Bilhah—and of you.”

That was a disquieting thought. Leah, envying Rachel. Oh, of course, she
always
did, but Jacob clearly meant something more. Did Leah envy her for having found a husband? Or did she envy Rachel for having found
this
husband?

“She has to live with her own choices,” said Rachel, though her mind was on something else. “I wonder if Father realizes he
has
to find a husband for Leah before we marry.”

“I’m sure the thought has occurred to him,” said Jacob. “But marriage isn’t what’s going to make Leah happy.”

“Nothing makes her happy because she doesn’t want to be happy.”

“Everyone wants to be happy, even if everything they choose to do keeps them from happiness,” said Jacob firmly. “The trick is to get them to understand what will
make
them happy.”

“And what will make Leah happy? I can’t wait to hear, because believe me, this whole camp has been desperate to find out for as long as I can remember.”

“The same thing that makes every other happy person
happy,” said Jacob, as if the answer were obvious. “The love of God.”

“Her love for God, or God’s love for her?”

“They’re the same,” said Jacob. “We can’t love God more than he loves us, and we can’t love him in a different way from his love for us. That’s just how things are.”

“Well, then, anyway, that’s between Leah and God.”

“But the only time she’s ever really reached out to God was through these books that have been entrusted to my care,” said Jacob. “And because of how I bungled having Bilhah do copywork for me, I’ve made Leah feel angry and unwelcome. I’ve closed the books to her.”

“She’s closed the books to herself.”

“Perhaps so, but she’s too proud to back down.”

“Then that’s her problem, isn’t it?” said Rachel. “I know that’s heartless of me, but if I hadn’t learned that years ago I’d be nothing but her personal slave by now. She can’t apologize, not really, not and
mean
it. Once she’s declared she won’t do something, then she doesn’t do it, until you give in to her.”

“And giving in to her only makes her behave even worse the next time,” said Jacob. “This is an interesting contradiction. If I don’t give in to her, she’ll be cut off from the word of God. But if I
do
give in to her, she’ll be encouraged in her pride and selfishness, which will also cut her off from the word of God.”

“Aren’t lambs easy?” said Rachel.

“Yes,” said Jacob emphatically. “But then, compared to women,
everything
is easy.”

The discussion took a different turn, then—because Rachel made sure that it did. She was not interested in Jacob’s view of how difficult women were. It seemed unfair to her that
Jacob would lump her and Leah together, along with every other female in the world, when the problem they were discussing was of Leah’s making entirely.

How did
I
come into it?

But Rachel did not say this to Jacob. What would be the use? Whatever it was that men imagined about women, they did not change their minds just because a woman disagreed. Father was that way, and every other man Rachel had talked to in the camp. It’s as if they thought that women were conducting a vast conspiracy to deceive men and make their lives difficult, so that anything a woman might say to simplify things had to be an attempt at deception.

If men would only listen to us, they’d find out that each one of us is different, and we’re eager to teach you how to understand us. But I can’t tell you how to understand Leah—I don’t understand her either. And if you did understand her, poor foolish man, you would think you then understood all the rest of us, and you’d be hopelessly wrong. No wonder you despair of understanding women. The best you could ever hope for would be to understand
one
woman. And that’s the goal none of you ever seems to try for.

L
eah could see that Father didn’t want to talk to her, but she was too upset to wait.

“I’m busy,” said Father.

“Yes, everything in the camp is more important than me.” She walked away from him, and made it a point to stumble as she did.

“Why doesn’t God send me a plague of locusts?” said Father to the servants he was supervising. “Then I’d have a chance of fighting them off.”

When he talked like that, it meant that he was going to give in. And sure enough, in only a few moments he jogged up behind her and took her arm. “Come with me,” he said. “Whatever it is, can it be so bad? You’re healthy, aren’t you?”

“It’s Bilhah,” said Leah. “And Jacob.”

Father stopped walking. “What?”

There was such a tone of suspicion in his voice that she
was quite startled. It took a moment for her to realize what conclusion he had leapt to. But no, if she even hinted at such a thing, Father would be compelled by honor to do something dreadful and final. “No, no,” said Leah. “I don’t mean
that
.”

“You don’t mean what?” asked Father.

“Whatever you’re thinking that made you sound like that. It’s just … this morning I was sick, and I sent Bilhah to tell Jacob that I wouldn’t be coming to read today.”

“That was nice of you,” said Father. “Not to keep him waiting.”

“But then Bilhah didn’t come back and she didn’t come back and—so I went looking for her. I found her in Jacob’s dooryard, reading and copying one of the holy books without me!”

By now they were at Father’s tent. He ushered her inside.

“Well, that’s good then,” said Father. “She found a useful way to occupy her time.”

“I see,” said Leah, her heart sinking. Tears came unbidden to her eyes. “So you think it’s all right that Bilhah’s taken over something that was supposed to be for
me
.”

“She’s a servant,” said Father. “She was serving.”

“She was taking my place,” said Leah, trying not to cry. She knew her words sounded selfish and foolish, but she also knew how much it had hurt her, to have Bilhah and Jacob treat her with such scorn. “She only learned in order to help me read, but now she’s doing it on her own.”

“I don’t understand why that should bother you,” said Father. “Truly, Leah, I’m sure no one meant any offense.”

“No, no one ever means any offense,” said Leah bitterly. “Why should it bother Leah? Why should Leah ever expect anything of her own? The great man comes to our camp, and
of course he falls in love with beautiful Rachel and he’s going to marry her, and the only thing Leah asked for was a chance to read the word of God in his books, only now even
that
is for Bilhah. What’s left for me, Father? Isn’t there anything I can call my own? Or am I to live as a spinster, on the charity of my brothers? You know how well they’ll care for me after you’re gone. Or do you expect me to go live with Jacob and Rachel when they both despise me, especially Jacob, who treats me like I don’t even matter, who acts as if a servant girl is my equal? But then, he’s right, isn’t he. No, he’s wrong, because I can’t even make myself as useful as the servant girl.
She
can copy the holy books, and all I can do is hold it close to my face and squint until I have such a headache I feel like throwing up, and even then none of the words are meant for
me
, because even God sends Rachel dreams and a husband but he sends me
nothing
.” And with that, it was all too much to bear. Leah burst into sobs and sank down onto the carpets that covered the floor of Father’s tent.

She felt Father’s hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged him off. “I know you don’t love me,” she said. “I understand. How could you? How could anyone? It’s Rachel that everyone loves. Don’t deny it! Everybody else hates me, hates everything about me, looking at me, hearing me, serving me, having to help me, they all hate it and hate me and I don’t even disagree with them, I hate me too, why shouldn’t I?”

“Nobody hates you,” said Father.

“It’s a sin to lie,” whispered Leah.

“I’ll talk to Jacob.”

“About what?” said Leah. “I already told Bilhah she wasn’t my servant any more, but he just let her keep on copying as if it made no difference.”

“Whom will I get to serve you now?” said Father.

“Sorry to
annoy
you, Father! After all, why should
any
servant be loyal to me! I should just get used to being betrayed, because I’m
nothing
.”

“I don’t think she—”

“No,
you
don’t think she betrayed me because you weren’t
there
, it didn’t happen to
you
, it only happened to me, so it doesn’t matter at all, does it!”

She knew she was being unfair, but she was so angry, and the words just came to her mind and she couldn’t stop them. Well, maybe she could, but she didn’t even want to try. He should
know
how much it hurt, he should
feel
it, and since nobody had any real understanding of her, she had to tell him, she had to make him
feel
what she felt.

“I’ll talk to Jacob,” said Father again.

“Oh, I can just hear you,” said Leah. “Oh, Jacob, you have to understand, my poor blind daughter—”

“I never call you blind.”

“My poor
tender-eyed
daughter Leah, she’s such a big baby, she was crying today, we all have to be
so
careful with her, maybe it’ll be better if you don’t let Bilhah copy for a little while, till she feels better.”

“Leah, that’s not what—”

“That’s exactly what you’d say! And I don’t want it. I don’t want him to do something because I
cried
. I can’t help it that I cry. People cry when they’re unhappy. Well, I’m unhappy
all the time
, and how often do you see me crying? Most of the time I pretend, just so nobody has to be bothered with me.”

“Leah, I—”

“So you’ll tell him not to get me upset and then he’ll think
of me the way everybody else in camp does, as a problem, poor Leah, not as a
person
. Not as somebody who has feelings like anybody else, somebody that should be treated with respect, because I don’t deserve any respect, if I did deserve respect then
God
wouldn’t have made me this way, would he? Or at least he’d give me some gift to make up for it. Like Rachel’s dreams.
She
gets the dreams, when she already has the beauty and the good eyes, and I get
nothing
, not even my reading.”

Father said nothing.

“I want Zilpah,” said Leah.

“Zilpah is not appropriate to be the handmaiden of my daughter,” said Father.

“Oh really? Then why was she assigned to Rachel?”

“She was? I didn’t give my consent to that.”

“Let Rachel have Bilhah. Let Bilhah go take care of sheep with her.”

“Bilhah doesn’t know anything about sheep.”

“She didn’t know anything about reading, either,” said Leah. “So you just give her a few weeks, and pretty soon all the lambs will come when Bilhah calls, and they won’t even know Rachel exists.”

“I assign the servants in my house.”

“I want Zilpah. Zilpah doesn’t talk to me
patiently
, like being tender-eyed also made me stupid. She talks to me like a regular person.”

“I don’t think she’s a good person, Leah,” said Father.

“Then why do you keep her here?”

“Are you suggesting I should turn her away, with nothing?”

“I’m suggesting you should make her my handmaiden.
Because she’s the only person in camp who is
almost
as much of a nothing as I am. So maybe she’ll actually be loyal to me because she can’t possibly aim for anything higher.”

“Leah, please,” said Father.

“Please what? What can I do for you, Father? What service do you want, except for me to go away and not cause you any trouble?” She burst into tears again. “I wish I had died the day I was born. Then you’d have only the one daughter, the one you love, the one everybody loves. You wouldn’t have all these
problems
, you wouldn’t have to try to find some man you could bribe into taking me off your hands—I’m not stupid, Father! I know that’s how you plan to get me married. Only you’ve never found a man that needy!”