quintessence. (16 page)

She moved with joy, peace, and freedom. It was amazing to watch. She let go of me and joined Brecken for part of the song. The two of them laughed as they sang the words together. She only remained with Brecken briefly before turning to me. She grabbed my hand and danced around me. She laughed freely.

The song slowly quieted, and Conall spoke into the microphone. “Okay, we’re back. I hope I can do this song justice.” He nodded to those of us on the dance floor and began a song I was unfamiliar with. Conall strummed the guitar for a few measures before the drums kicked in and he sang.

She put her back against me and continued to roll her shoulders as she put my hands on her hips. I stood still as she swayed in front of me.  Her shoulders lifted with her breaths every so often and I saw that she was truly feeling the lyrics to the song. She turned to face me and kept her eyes to mine as she ran her hands down my arms and intertwined our hands together. We stood that way and both felt the lyrics to that song.

She looked up at me and touched the side of my cheek before giving me our usual chaste, but deep, kiss. I wanted more, god did I want more than that. The music and her touch tumbled my boxes and memories into a place of understanding. She reminded me that I was here. But I needed her to just get through tomorrow and figure out where she needed to be in her life.

“Please kiss me, Karl. Please
really
kiss me,” she said, keeping her lips pressed to mine. I closed my eyes on an inhale.

I rested my forehead on hers and she placed both her hands on my face and held me tight enough that it felt like she’d rip my beard from my face. She almost climbed up me. She kissed around my lips and then stopped when she felt my movements.

One hand went to her throat, my thumb traced her neck, and my fingers wrapped along her ear as the other pushed her hair out of her face. I tilted her head back and kissed her chin before I brought my lips back to hers.

I gave her what she needed. I kissed her. As I kissed her, the pieces of thoughts I had gathered now formed into the picture of our future together. Every box I had ever made. Every dark point in my past faded. They connected. They were no longer separated, but they formed a mass of lives and moments that formed a clarity I never knew existed. I know it sounds as if I had some kind of euphoric awakening but I did. She and I were forming something so deep, I didn’t know if I’d be able to pull myself away from her. I could stay right there with her on that dance floor and the song could change over a thousand times, and I’d never know the tune. Because there was one tune and one dance—
us.

“This was it.” I thought as I stepped from my parents’ car and into my future. I would go to school and I’d get my degree as fast as I could. I wouldn’t mess around in college. I would not be one of those students that spent her time planning parties. I was there to learn and to learn fast.

“Thank you, Mom. I’ll call Dad when I’m finished today. My car should be done tomorrow,” I said as I leaned in the passenger window.

“Okay, I’m proud of you honey. You’ve always made it so easy to be your parent. You never needed me. You always had your plan and knew what you’d do. I swear you haven’t needed me since you were five,” my mom said.

“I still need you, Mom. I’m just self-sufficient. I’ve got this. I will go in there and get shit done.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “You’ve been around your cousin too much. You need to stop with the swearing. You think they’ll like that at the job you want?”

“Mom, as long as I can do my job well, I don’t think they will care what the fuck vocabulary I use.”

“If you say so. Have fun,” she said as someone honked behind her to get her to move.

I turned from the car and walked the sidewalk toward the building.

I grew nervous the closer I got, but I pushed that nervousness down and used it.
This is just a stepping stone. This place is just where I needed to be before I move on with my life.

Then I saw him, the guy who had helped with the tour my parents and I took of the campus. I remembered his name was Toby and he couldn’t look at me. I would speak to him, and he’d just look past my ear when he spoke.

I walked toward him and he saw me and turned his head away as if he didn’t want to see me. It made me smile.

“Hi. Toby, right?” I asked.

He turned to face me and pulled his lip in with a tight smile, his hands gripping his backpack.

“Yeah, um, Maggie?” he asked and looked down at me. He stood about ten inches taller than me. He was thin in just the right way. He didn’t have muscles, but he wasn’t a stick either. He wore a smaller tee shirt that had a band’s name on it I wasn’t familiar with. His pants were baggy, and he put his hand in his pocket and pulled his phone out, checking the time.

“Yes, I’m Maggie. You gave a tour for my parents and me. Sorry my mom kept asking you about security and my dad wouldn’t shut up about the pool hall down the street.”

Toby laughed, and he allowed himself to meet my eyes. He smiled at me and it made my heart melt. He was so sweet.

“What are you doing later, Toby?” I asked. I never asked guys out. They always asked me out. But there was something about him that made me feel comfortable. His smile and his mannerism were fun despite his shyness.

His smile curved to the side as if he thought I was teasing him. “Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously, you’re a unique person.” I smiled at him and tilted my head—hoping it would relax him.

“I guess you can say I am. I’m not doing much later. I’m just going to go work on some different tracks.”

“Tracks?” I asked.

“Yeah, I DJ sometimes. Well, just for myself—I haven’t built up the nerve to go in front of people with it yet. I’m kind of shy, if you haven’t noticed. Fuck, I don’t know why I’m telling you that,” he said as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “I can’t believe I just dropped an f-bomb. Anyway, I would love to hang out if you were asking to hang out—unless you were asking just because you were being polite. Either way, I would like to hang out with you sometime.”

I smiled. “Well, I was asking because I wanted to hang out. And, I’d be interested in hearing your work sometime too. But, we could just go get coffee?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’d be cool. Are you heading to your first class?” he asked.

“Yes I am.”

“I’ll walk with you,” he said with a shy smile.

“I’d like that,” I said as we started on our way to the building.

__________

Winter four years ago

“So, you’re dating a guy that is shy and doesn’t take the lead on anything?” Lily asked.

Hannah laughed. “It sounds like you two are perfect for each other. Maggie and her type 'A' personality planning can tell him what to do. I don’t understand why you think that’d be a problem, Lily,” Hannah said.

“Because, I don’t think she should be with someone who just listens to whatever she says. Why would you want that?” Lily asked.

“Why not? It sounds like it would be easier,” Hannah said.

“Hannah, we all know that’s a crock coming from you. Look at the guy you dated for two years. He followed you around like a puppy and couldn’t wait to make you happy. But you got rid of him,” I said.

“Yeah, I know, I know. But that’s why I needed to end it. I needed to expand my horizons while I’m still young,” Hannah said, running her hand through her long hair.

“You’re such a ho-bag, Hannah. That’s what I will call you,
ho-bag
Hannah,” Lily said with a laugh.

Hannah threw a pillow at her sister and jumped on her bed and pulled her into a headlock. “I’m not afraid to use this,” Hannah said and showed her fist to her sister, who laughed.

Those two always made me laugh with their constant bickering. It was nice when they bickered and didn’t just fold into themselves. Since they were kids, they both had a shadow following them they tried to keep at bay. Hannah was better at hiding from it than Lily. I loved them both the same. They were my life, and I’d do anything for them.

__________

Spring three years ago

I sat in my bedroom with Hannah and tried to make her feel better. No one knew why Lily did it. Hannah blamed herself. We were now two as our triad was demolished.

I hated Lily for doing it. I hated that she left us without a word and left me to pick up the pieces of her sister. Hannah broke from the pain. She became a shell of herself and I didn’t know what hurt worse—the loss of Lily or Hannah.

I lost both of them.

I did what I had to do. Day and night I stayed with Hannah. I stayed by her side and made sure she ate. I tried to keep her here with me, but I saw her drifting further and further into herself.

But I made damn sure I was there to help her any time she needed me.

Her parents weren’t there for her, and she needed my parents and me. It was that simple. Our days were measured by the tears that fell and the breaths that Hannah let out.

Until one day she became a different version of herself. She left the house, but there was something more distant about her. She was there with me, but she wasn’t there. She allowed herself to show on occasion. She would laugh, and then as if she thought it wrong to feel joy, she’d shut her laughter off. I felt that way too. For a long while, it hurt to feel happiness.

__________

Summer two years ago

“Okay, now Toby, you need to remember to speak to my parents when we are at their house today.” I laughed, packing his swim trunks in his bag for our trip to my parents’ lake house.

“I know this, Maggie. It’s just weird to be sleeping in the same bed in the same room, under their roof. It kind of makes me feel weird having your dad know that I’m sleeping with his daughter,” he said as he pulled some clothes from his drawer.

“Toby, why would my dad think that?”

“Maggie, I’m a guy. Someday, when I have a daughter, I will make damn sure I think of that,” Toby said as he zipped up his bag.

“That’s kind of gross, Toby,” I said with a laugh and he leaned down to kiss the top of my head. I liked it when it was just the two of us. He wasn’t as shy or nervous as he was with others.

He still had his moments when he needed to tell me something difficult for him to say. But, we had fun together, and we were comfortable. I never had to feel like I needed to explain myself to him. He understood why I needed to keep tabs on him. He didn’t see it as demanding that I was nervous when I hadn’t heard from him.

Fear filled me the first time he didn’t respond to several of my texts.

I had cried that night. I had told him, “I need you to answer the phone. Even if you don’t want to talk—I need you to answer and to at least tell me you’re okay.”

I didn’t know why I became so concerned with that. But he was the one who pointed it out that day. “Maggie, you lost your cousin and your other one is having some serious issues now that her sister is gone. From what you told me of their childhood, you and your family were one of their bright spots. You’ve taken care of them long before this and I’m sure you will take care of Hannah long after. I’m sorry I didn’t respond. I understand why you have this mother hen need. It’s cute and I love it about you.” He had put his chin down and sat on the bed for several moments before he lifted his head and smiled. He rubbed his thumb to his fingers over and again, and on a deep exhale said, “I love you, Maggie. I always have since that first day your mom made me uncomfortable, and you tried to make me feel better by making jokes. I loved you even then.”

I had smiled at him, and knew I loved him too.

He helped me and he understood my quirks and I loved him.

Spring last year

“It’s perfect,” I said as Toby grabbed my hand and twirled me in the living room of my new apartment. “The living room has wood floors, and the kitchen has checkered floor tiles. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” My smile grew as he stopped my turn to face him.

“It is perfect, I agree. Plus, we’re closer now,” he said as he pulled me near him. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his chin. “I love you, Maggie.”

“I love you, too.” I jumped up and wrapped my arms and legs around him.

He kissed me with the passion I knew he hid under his soft exterior. We would fight over his shyness and my need to be in control in all things. But when we met like this, we were always at the same level. He didn’t have a problem taking control with this and I never had a problem relinquishing to him when we made love.

“Let’s christen your room, shall we?” he asked.

“I’m game.” I took his face in my hands and kissed him.

The one place we never had issues was in the bedroom.

__________

Late Summer last year

“Hannah, you look beautiful,” I said, as I gave a last look to her before I stepped out the back door of her parents’ home.

I couldn’t leave it at that though, I needed to say more to her. I handed my flowers to Blake, who was escorting me out for Hannah and Wynn’s wedding. “Hold these a sec, Blake.”

I stepped to Hannah, and she pulled me into our hug. She and I had been through a lot together. She had grown into this beautiful, amazing, person. “I’m proud of you, Hannah. These past couple years have been hard for you, I know that. But, I knew you’d come out of it a whole person. Cracked and beaten, you tried to destroy yourself, but I knew you were too strong of a person to let even yourself destroy you. I love you so flipping much. You’re my other person in this world. Regardless of who we are with, we got history, bitch. And I’m truly and madly in friend love with you.”

Hannah laughed. “Thank you, Maggie. I love you, too.”

She kissed my cheek, and I dabbed my eyes before turning back to Blake. “Okay, let’s do this thing. These two need to get married.”

__________

Fall last year

I did it. I was the youngest woman to make account executive, and I did it without selling myself short. Gabe had told me I needed to stay true to myself and I would get there.

It was hard, being an intern and trying to speak loud enough to be seen. But the discount store fell into my lap, and it was perfect for me. They wanted to boost their sales and were unsure how. They hoped using our services would push them up in sales compared to the big chain stores.

“Okay, Gabe, what I want to do is push the fact it’s Veteran’s day. They said they’re having a sale. We need to have a big sign plastered above the entrance, the registers, everywhere. It needs to read, “
Thank a soldier
.” You know that is the thing that gets people to buy shit. You need to play on those emotions. They need to remember we are free to shop and it is a privilege.”

I pointed at him with my pen before I doodled on my page how I wanted the signs to be displayed. 

We continued working for a few hours until we finalized everything. I dropped my proposal off in my boss’s office before heading to my dance class.

It was a twenty minute walk to the studio, and I made it in just enough time to change.

My legs felt so tired today and I knew it was because I stayed up too late last night in my excitement at working on my own project today. I changed my clothes and stood at the dance bar to begin some stretches.

I placed my leg on the bar and pushed to my toe before reaching for my foot that was on the bar.

I craved the work that went into dance. The techniques were freeing and I had always been determined to achieve new moves. It resembled my work ethic and it relaxed me.

After several attempts at a jump though, I stopped. My legs were just too tired, and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t do that again. I have always needed at least eight hours of sleep a night to function.