Questing Sucks! Book II (12 page)

“The one and only Great Seh—ahh! Ahh! No! Noooo!”

He screamed in pure terror as the ground gave way beneath his feet, the ice cracking and sending him dropping down into a deep stream of freezing water, which continued to suck him in until it was up to his chin and continuing to pull him down.

“What in the fuck is this nonsense? Cah’lia! Cah’lia, your God-King is drowning! I’m drowning! I’m drowniv
hmphphp
.”

“You have
got
to be kidding me, Sehn!” he heard her call as he sank into the skin-numbing water. “Your first step on this mountain—your very first step, and already I have to save you from dying to something.”

Sehn’s moans became muffled as his head was completely submerged in the water. He wanted to scream, “No, Cah’lia! I do not require your foolish saving!” But all that came out of his mouth were bubbles and a musical-sounding hum. A world of blue surrounded him.

Well now
,
Sehn thought while he drowned and froze.
It seems that this mountain has just challenged Sehn to a temperature-war
.
As soon as Cah’lia pulls me out of this mess
,
I will burn down every tree on this accursed ice world
.

Cah’lia threw another branch into the campfire, trying her best to heat up the shivering Sehn. They were sitting on a dry patch of land just across from the frozen stream where the dwarven flying machine had miraculously managed to remain without the ice cracking from its weight.

It was difficult to breathe at this altitude. The air was thinner, and Cah’lia found herself short of breath on more than one occasion, so she could only imagine how Sehn felt. He hugged his arms to his chest with a wool blanket wrapped around his body, shaking like a domesticated dog during a thunderstorm.

“Here,” Cah’lia said, turning over a sack filled with small twigs and dried plants to fuel the fire. “This should stop the shivering.”

“I-is that
wh-
what you th-think this is?” Sehn managed through chattering teeth. “Th-the Great S-Sehn d-does n-not shiver, F-Fool’lia! He merely releases his c-cold, evil spirit.”

Cah’lia sighed. “I suppose now you’re going to tell me you drowned on purpose? That you knew the ice would crack and you knew you’d come so close to dying?”

“O-of c-c-c-course I did,” Sehn stammered, hugging himself and sliding on his butt closer to the fire. “I w-was too h-hot, so I w-wanted to c-cool off.”

Cah’lia tried not to laugh at the loud clacking of his teeth while he spoke. He sounded like a broken musical instrument. She glanced upwards at the sky—it was just past noon. She’d give Sehn another hour to warm up and then it would be back to the chase. But where to start looking?

I haven’t seen a single gryphon since we arrived
.
I hope we can find one—and quickly
.
A panicked thought popped up in her head.
What if there are no gryphons here
?
Maybe they named it Gryphon-Head Mountain because there used to be
,
but now they’ve all died out
?

Cah’lia stopped the thought in its tracks. It did no good to continue such a defeated line of thought, not without having at least searched the area first.

Sehn tucked his knees into his chest, and over the next few minutes, his chattering slowed until finally he seemed at ease. His ears, which had been stiffly upright like the tail of a frightened cat, lowered until they were back to their normal level.

While Sehn thawed, Cah’lia made her way back to the aircraft to retrieve what little belongings she’d been able to fit inside the small compartment in the back of the vehicle. Unlike Sehn, she was trained to be swift on her feet, and with all her usual poise, she carefully navigated the icy portion of the mountain’s surface and grabbed the two bags out of the aircraft. When she returned, she handed Sehn a coat made from the furs of a Lanx, an animal native to Elvar.

“Here, put this on. It’s cold at this altitude.”

“Hah!” Sehn shouted. He slapped away the coat. “I do not require your protective garments, Cah’lia. I hate wearing coats.”

Cah’lia let out a grunt. “Quit being a child and put it on. If you don’t, you could catch a cold.”

“Oh yeah? Well if I do, then I could catch a hot. Suck on that one.” Sehn raised his middle finger. “Man-logic: one. Woman-logic: zero.”

“
Your
logic, not man-logic,” Cah’lia mumbled under her breath. Speaking louder, she said, “We don’t have time to argue. Get out of that wet shirt and put on the damn coat.”

“Whatever.”

Sehn ripped off his shirt like an angry street performer, tearing the cloth and destroying it. Then, he snatched the coat out of Cah’lia’s fingers and threw it over his back, pulling his arms through the thick sleeves and bundling it up halfway. Cah’lia had never seen him in furs before, and the sight of his bare chest surrounded by the brown fur sent a jolt through her heart. In that moment, Sehn looked like his father: a chief, a warrior, and a leader to the elven people.

I should get him some fur to wear elsewhere
,
Cah’lia thought, concealing a grin.

The next twenty minutes were spent in silence. She hadn’t brought along much food. Aside from a few articles of clothing, some basic tools and weapons, and what little food she could fit into the vehicle, Cah’lia hadn’t prepared for a long-term journey. She wanted to sneak into Magia, rescue the boy, and return to Hahl before anyone realized he’d gone missing. Though, she hadn’t the slightest idea of how to go about it.

Why do I have the uncomfortable feeling we’re going to get blown to bits by furious mages
?

Cah’lia thought about their next move while she prepared a stew made from dried meat and vegetables. She could tell from the disgust that flashed through Sehn’s eyes that he wasn’t hungry, but by now, he knew the drill. He groaned as he sloppily forced it down his throat under Cah’lia’s watchful eye, drops of the liquid streaking down the visible portion of his solid chest.

“So,” Sehn asked after wiping his mouth, “where do we start looking?”

Cah’lia tapped her chin while she thought. “I guess we could head opposite from where we landed. I don’t think there will be much ice if we go into the trees, and I don’t want a repeat of what happened before.”

“Don’t worry. I have no intention of purposely ice bathing again. I simply wanted to do it once, and I got it out of my system.”

Cah’lia rolled her eyes. “Sure you did. Anyway, let’s get going. If we’re going to find a gryphon, I’d rather do it sooner than later, because we don’t have enough of what Wolly called ‘fuel’ to make it back down. Unless you feel like spending our lives on top of this mountain, we need a gryphon.”

She stood up to her feet and then held out a hand to help Sehn back up to his, but she realized soon after what that’d do to his pride, so she pulled her arm back as if touching something hot, certain that Sehn hadn’t spotted the offer of help. She could see him wince as he pushed himself up on his shaking legs. The corner of his mouth twitched, and his face tightened.

“I have a plan,” Sehn announced. He lifted his chin in one of his silly victory poses. “This will be a simple matter.”

At this, Cah’lia was genuinely surprised. Could Sehn really have a plan? “What is it?”

Sehn placed his hands on his hips and barked a laugh. “Just watch.” He tilted his head to the sky and roared, “Gryphons! Come to your God-King, for he has summoned you!”

Sehn released another laugh. “There, that should do it.”

Had Cah’lia not been exhausted, she would’ve most certainly slapped him upside the head. Instead, she left Sehn to stand there shaking his head in confusion, wondering why none of the flying animals appeared. What an idiot. She knew what came next, and she needed to gain some distance from him.

As Cah’lia walked away from Sehn and into the forest to begin her search, she could hear Sehn shouting a myriad of hate-soaked curses at the top of his lungs. For close to five minutes, he cried his rage, sending flocks of nearby birds scrambling away in terror. He blamed the gryphons, the Gods, and even Cah’lia herself, claiming it had been her ‘stench’ that drove the animals away, and not a failure on behalf of his Godly magic.

Just wait until you want some affection later
,
Sehn
.
I will remember every single Gods-cursed insult
.

Eventually he caught up to her, panting in what Cah’lia assumed was both from the thinner mountain air and from wearing himself out in his tirade against the world and this mountain in particular. He was so exhausted from his outburst that he paused for a moment and rested on the trunk of a nearby tree.

“What are you looking at?” he breathed, supporting himself against the tree. Cah’lia grinned—it was payback time.

“Don’t worry, Sehn. I’m sure you’ll get them next time.”

Cah’lia had to strain to hear it, but she recognized the rumbling growl deep in Sehn’s diaphragm, exactly like a teased dog. It grew louder until there was no mistaking it—Sehn was pissed. She’d heard him growl before, but this was the closest imitation to an animal yet.

“What’s the matter, Sehn? Did your gryphon-summoning-magic not work?”

His growls grew in volume. For a brief moment, Cah’lia worried he’d bark at her.

“Oh, look! It worked. I see a gryphon!”

Sehn’s eyes widened. “Hah! I knew it. The Great Sehn can never fail. Where is this foolish creature?”

Cah’lia waited for a moment before responding. Then she grinned wryly. “There isn’t one. I lied.”

Sehn’s face went blank, draining of color. He blinked twice in rapid succession, and then punched the nearest tree; Cah’lia was surprised to see that he actually left a dent in it.

Cah’lia knew she was being awful, but she couldn’t resist. It had been the greatest opportunity for revenge, and how could she let it slip? Still, she’d had her fun. Now it was time to calm the idiot down.

“Look, Sehn, I’m sure we’ll be able to find it if we work together. Let’s just go and—”

“Fuck your teamwork! The Great Sehn works alone, for solitary efforts are all he has ever known.”

He lifted his arms into the air like a lunatic and charged into the forest, screaming at random creatures that meant him no harm, chasing squirrels away and threatening small critters with the death penalty.

Well
,
at least I can get some work done now
.
There’s no chance that Sehn will actually find a—

“Cah’lia!” Sehn shouted. Something was wrong. She could tell just from the urgency in his voice. There was fear in it, too. “I found one!” he called to her. “There was literally one here the entire time. Cah’lia! It’s angry! I have angered it! It’s going to kill me!”

Sehn came running back the same way he’d gone, but now with his arms flailing and his eyebrows raised to the top of his face. And he wasn’t alone, either; something was following him. Cah’lia felt her jaw drop as a humongous gryphon—twice as large as Shina’s—chased him down and through the forest.

“Why is it doing this?” Sehn screamed, dashing past Cah’lia, who watched with detached fascination as the creature then passed her as well, continuing after Sehn. “I didn’t even fucking do anything! It’s an evil creature!”

The creature made a disgusting, snarling hiss, picking up speed while Sehn ran for dear life.
Don’t even tell me
,
Cah’lia thought with a moan.
He not only found one
,
but he antagonized it
?

“All I did was kick it!”

“Why would you kick it?” Cah’lia screamed as he ran out of her line of sight.

“MOOPH!” the creature roared. “MOOPH!”

“Fuck you!” Sehn shouted at it. “Mooph to you too!”

“Don’t taunt it!” Cah’lia called to him. Things were getting serious. She took a deep breath and dashed after him. She decided that she needed to implement a new rule: from now on, Sehn was not allowed to move without her permission. Every time the idiot took a step in any direction, he either almost killed himself, someone else, or everyone around.

“Hold tight, I’m coming!”

The gryphon was unlike any Cah’lia had seen: not that she’d seen many. Sehn, in an even more foolish display than usual, launched fireballs over his shoulder, which did little harm to the naturally fire resistant creatures of legend. All it did was ‘
mooph’
even louder.

“Cah’lia!” Sehn cried. “It’s moophing at me! It’s fucking moophing at me! Do something, in the name of your God-King! Sacrifice yourself in my place.” He craned his head and looked over his shoulder while pointing to Cah’lia, who was doing her best to chase after the two of them. Then he pleaded to the creature. “Take her instead! She smells like one of your kind.”

Why did I get stuck with him as my traveling partner
?

“Sehn, run it around in a circle.”

“Why?”

“Just do it! Bring it towards me!”

Cah’lia, using her speed and agility, leapt into the air and grabbed hold of a branch above her, tucking her knees into her chest. She waited until Sehn ran past and then released her grip, falling on the back of the enormous and angry gryphon. It tried to buck and unseat her, but she was quick, and she wrapped her arms around its neck, holding on for dear life.

“MOOPH! MOOPH!”

The creature struggled, and while it was far more powerful than a single elven woman, years of training served Cah’lia like a faithful sword. She felt the ridges along its neck tighten as its anger increased tenfold. Cah’lia knew that gryphons were intelligent creatures, and this one seemed to be communicating its humiliation.

“MOOPH!”

In a rare, but bizarrely surreal flash of memory, Cah’lia recalled the tales that her father had told her in her youth about the legendary gryphons. There were different types of gryphons, and this one had the personality and all the features of a King gryphon. In other words, the thing was exactly like Sehn. And she, a smaller female, was now clinging to its neck, besting it in a competition of strength and wills. The creature soared past another stretch of forest, and Cah’lia bumped her head painfully on an overhead branch.

She didn’t know if it was the knock on the head, but when the gryphon ‘
moophed’
,
she thought she heard it say, “I will not lose to you, Fool’lia! How dare you challenge the Great Mooph?” She shook her head. She was definitely delirious.