Questing Sucks (Book 1) (20 page)

Chapter 20: Cah’lia, Rina, Sehn, and Nero: a Declaration of War.

 

 

Cah’lia took a deep breath; the last bit of Koringrath faded from view in the distance. For Nero, Koringrath was the farthest from home he’d ever been, but for Cah’lia, the city of Hahl would be. She recalled from the maps pinned to the foyer-wall of the inn that the Harrow plains would continue for only half a day’s ride, and from there they would enter the
Jinkar
forests.

Nero was delighted at the prospect of seeing even more new sights, but Cah’lia was not as thrilled. For a horse, riding over the plains was a smooth and easy ride, but riding through a forest could be a pain. Luckily, the forest would only run for a few days before letting out into a valley with softer terrain. She’d need to keep a close eye on Nero, because if the little brat tried to run off in the forest, he could be lost for good. This was way too dangerous for a seventh seasoned—years-old as the Humans called it—Elf.

Cah’lia looked over at the princess Saerina, riding just behind Sehn, Patrick, and Prince Saerith. Saerina was her princess and deserved Cah’lia’s undying loyalty and respect. Yet, despite this, Cah’lia wanted nothing more than to maim the woman. Why had she insisted on bringing along Nero and Rina? Cah’lia wondered if regardless of the consequences, she should have disobeyed the princess and sent them home anyway. If anything happened to either of the two, she would blame herself for allowing it.

Sehn was behaving even more ridiculous than usual. For years Sehn had gone to great lengths, sometimes even at the cost of personal injury, to prove himself the best at everything. He had done things that were dangerous and stupid, insane and foolish, and now he was displaying that side of himself in full-force. Cah’lia had never seen him as competitive as he was being since Prince Saerith tagged along.

For the first hour or two after their departure things had remained relatively peaceful, almost civil, and Cah’lia believed that their journey would finally become less frustrating. That dream was torn to pieces, when the prince approached her and once again kissed her hand. It was a casual thing, although it came about with no warning or reason. The prince had simply fallen back, rode alongside her, and called her beautiful. He’d kissed her raised hand as if she were royalty. Since then, Sehn had been an absolute nightmare to deal with.

In a way it gave Cah’lia a warm feeling at seeing Sehn jealous, although never in a million years would Sehn admit his jealousy. It made her blush just thinking about it. The problem though, was that it was slowing down their journey. Cah’lia knew that speed was vital, for reasons she forced out of her mind, unwilling to bring up until necessary.

It had only been a quarter of a day since they’d departed Koringrath, and already Sehn had done several ridiculous things. As the horses pushed onward toward Hahl, Cah’lia had the feeling it was only going to get worse.

Sehn would not allow the prince for even a brief moment to pull his horse ahead of his own. Sehn demanded that he be the front-most rider at all times. Every time the prince seemed to come close, even if just by a single horse-hoof’s worth of distance, Sehn would kick his horse and dash forward. He grunted at Saerith every time he looked in his direction, and several times during the first quarter-day he’d even thrown rocks at the prince when he wasn’t looking, blaming it on his horse kicking them up from the ground.

Cah’lia pulled on her horse’s reins, and sped up to ride next to Sehn and the prince at the head of the group. Rina held tighter onto her waist as the horse went from a trot into a gallop.

“Sehn, I know it’s been you throwing these painful rocks at me, and I ask you to please cease this behavior. Do not think for a moment that I’ll not tie you to my horse and have you dragged along the floor until we reach the treasure.”

Sehn pulled back his lower lip, and gave the prince a dirty look. “Is that so, prince? I should like to see you try.”

Cah’lia intervened. No good would come of the bickering. “Sehn, my prince, why are you two fighting again?”

Saerith turned to her, his beautiful red eyes sending a shiver down Cah’lia’s spine. “I’m afraid I don’t know, my lovely Cah’lia. Sehn has been throwing rocks at me, and insulting me since shortly after we departed. I do not wish to quarrel with him, yet he will not stop mistreating me.”

Cah’lia folded her arms and gave Sehn a look of disappointment. She knew of one way to divert Sehn from his rage against Saerith. It was going to be troublesome, but it would at the very least ensure a more painless and quicker journey.

“Sehn, will you please quit acting like a child? We all get it—you don’t like our prince. But acting like a foolish dolt will not make anything better.”

“Yeah!” Rina shouted. “Rina thinks Sehn is being stupid.”

Sehn’s eyes widened at the girl’s remark. Cah’lia and Rina had gotten very close in a short period of time, to the point where she now favored Cah’lia over Sehn. Sehn opened his mouth to reply, but was stopped short by Nero.

“Rina!” he shouted, riding up to join them. “You dare say such things to the Great Sehn! I shall turn you into horse-feed for this.”

Sehn beamed with approval. “Well said, Nero. These two foolish women have turned against us, a mistake they will pay for with their lives.”

“Rina does not think so. Rina thinks that Sehn and Nero are stupid boys, and that Mistress Cah’lia will beat them up if they don’t mind their manners when speaking to ladies.”

Cah’lia beamed her own pride at the tiny Rina as they watched Nero and Sehn look at each other in shared outrage.

“Did they just call us stupid, Sehn?” Nero asked.

“It means little coming from them, Nero,” Sehn replied with a grin. “After all, everyone knows that Cah’lia and Rina are the dumbest in the land!” The two shared a laugh.

So, they wanted to play, did they? Cah’lia was going to set a good example for Rina. Rina was going to learn that girls don’t lose to idiots. “Oh, we’re stupid, are we? Is that why Rina and I got our entire heads stuck inside of a beehive and had to spend a week in the Elven infirmary? Oh no, wait, that was you and Nero, after you two idiots thought you could threaten bees into making honey faster by shoving your heads into their hives and shouting demands at them.”

Cah’lia had to put an arm behind her back and grab Rina, she was laughing so hard she almost fell off of the horse. Sehn and Nero looked livid.

“
Nero!”
Sehn shouted. “It seems these two women have challenged the Great Sehn and Nero to a word-war. Quickly, Nero! Fetch the scroll of insulting!”

Nero spun his horse around and galloped back to where Daniel was leading their wagon. He returned a moment later, with a large scroll, tied delicately with an expensive red ribbon. Taped across it was the Sehn-seal.

“Sehn,” Nero asked. “We have spent hours writing down our words of power. Are you sure that we’re not unleashing it too soon?”

“No. Today is the day we use our ultimate weapon.” Nero’s ears twitched and his puffy-cheeks wobbled upon hearing this. “Now is the time to act. We must forgo the opening ritual, and break the seal. The power is needed at once!”

Cah’lia watched in amusement and tried not to laugh as her little brother broke the seal of the large scroll, and began to unravel it. It seemed to be yet another one of Sehn and Nero’s massive time-wasters. Sehn held his head high, in a position of command, and spoke with confidence to Nero.

“Nero!” he commanded. “Turn to article Seven dash
F
, entitled ‘Cah’lia is a bitch’. Recite lines four and five, please, word for word.”

Cah’lia felt her amusement fade a little at the title, and had a feeling that it was soon going to turn into outright anger.

“Ehem,” Nero began. “It actually says that, the Ehem, I mean. I’m not adding that in. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Ehem. Cah’lia has a very fat and large ass. It is so large, that the horse she is sitting on is probably begging for a knife to the brain, just to be put out of its misery for having such a massive and heavy butt crushing its spine. Rina’s ass is growing too, an inch for every day that she spends with Cah’lia. Already it looks like a giant boulder begins where her waist ends. Also, Rina and Cah’lia are stupid, because they have inferior woman-brains, that are in no way as Godly or cunning as Sehn’s. Nero too, but mostly Sehn’s.”

Cah’lia felt the first stirrings of anger, but pushed them down, replacing anger with confidence. She had prepared for this. “Rina, do you remember what we practiced? In case of an emergency?”

Rina’s eyes sparkled, the little girl smiled and nodded. “Rina does!”

“Now is the time,” Cah’lia said with a wry grin. Cah’lia lifted up her left arm, so that the small girl could lean over the horse and look at the two foolish Elves as she spoke. Cah’lia knew before Rina had even begun speaking, they were going to win the war.

“Sehn’s face looks like a rotten pineapple, and Nero’s looks like the droppings of a horse. Cah’lia and Rina are so much smarter than Sehn and Nero, because they don’t spend all of their money on fake magical fruits. Cah’lia and Rina are better than Sehn and Nero at everything in the world, including horse-riding, fighting, and looking beautiful. Sehn and Nero smell like the butt of a zebra, only way worse. Nero has a fat face, and Sehn is less powerful than an insect.”

As Rina spoke the last word of her rehearsed insult, a silence fell upon the four of them. Sehn and Nero looked like they were literally frozen, their faces as still as a statue. They were gripping each other’s sleeves, and their lips were peeled back, revealing each one of their teeth. Their eyes were open wide, and their tongues were sticking out of their mouths in shock. Cah’lia worried for a moment that they might have actually killed them with their insults.

After a moment, their faces became unfrozen, like ice thawing after a blizzard. Sehn turned over to look at Nero, and the two seemed to share a ridiculous look of outrage and disbelief. “Nero…” Sehn whispered. “Prepare yourself for open-warfare.”

Nero did not respond. He looked far too shocked to form words. He simply nodded, and the two of them rode away, trembling.

“Rina and Cah’lia win!” the girl shouted. Cah’lia smiled, and delighted in the success of her plan. She knew Sehn and her brother enough to know that they’d be very careful for the coming days. They would devote hours upon hours to plans of revenge that they would never be able to see through, for how ridiculous they’d be. If Cah’lia knew Sehn—and she did—Nero and he were probably off trying to summon a Demon-God or bring about the end of the world. There would be some peace on the journey after all.

 

 

Chapter 21: Cah’lia vs. Sehn

 

Sehn shook his head as Nero presented yet another ridiculous idea. For an entire day they had plotted, trying to figure out the perfect plan of revenge against Cah’lia and Rina. Sehn examined the sketched-drawing one more time, before crumbling it and discarding the idea.

“This will never work, Nero. For one, even if we could afford it, I don’t think such a thing exists. And if it did, we would never be able to convince Cah’lia to go inside of it. I know you’ve spent a great deal of time on this one, but I just don’t think we’re going to be able to find a catapult powerful enough to launch them into the sun.”

Nero frowned. “What about my other idea? What was wrong with that one?”

Sehn shrugged. “The other idea wasn’t bad, but it won’t work either. Your other idea requires us to first tame a Dragon, which is easy enough. After all, the Great Sehn only needs to look at a Dragon, to make it his servant. The problem is finding one, and feeding it enough food so that when it craps all over the two of them, they drown in it. No, we need to think of a different plan.”

They had ridden side-by-side for most of the day, plotting their revenge against the treacherous Cah’lia and Rina. In the distance, they could make out the outline of the
Jinkar
forests. Nero seemed to be quite excited to see them, but Sehn only wanted to be done with the journey. Already he was getting weary of it all. Since early that morning, he had developed a dull ache in his shoulder, that didn’t seem to be going away. It wasn’t very painful, but it was annoying.

Twenty minutes later, they came to a halt at the beginning of the path leading into the forest. Cah’lia and Patrick were hungry, and wanted to eat before they entered the forest, and enjoy one last lunch on the Harrow-Plains. Sehn had allowed it.

“Sehn,” Cah’lia said, approaching where he and Nero were sitting on a wooden stump. It was the first sign of trees they’d seen since leaving Elvar. She had a variety of cheeses and bread, and placed it in front of him.

“Get this rot away from me, I’m not hungry today. Give it to Nero.”

Sehn braced himself. Lately she had been adamant about his nutrition. The Great Sehn’s body did not require something as trivial as “nutrition.”

“Do we have to go through this every meal?” she asked. “I’m really getting tired of this. Sehn, will you just eat it?”

“Nope,” he responded without a moment’s hesitation. “Not hungry. Be gone, Cah’lia.”

Cah’lia did not leave. Instead, she got in his face, causing Sehn to grumble. “Did you not hear me, Cah’lia? I demand you leave me be at once! I am not hungry.”

“Sehn, don’t make me angry. Here,” she said shoving it at him. “Eat it, now.”

Sehn was getting close to his boiling point. Since she’d tagged along on their journey, she’d been pushy and disrespectful. Sehn had purposefully lost his last fight with her, but it was starting to seem like she needed to learn her lesson.

“That’s it. I’ve had it up to here with you, Cah’lia. You have gone too far. Pushing food in the face of your God-King? Hah! I shall feed you to a pack of wolves.”

Sehn stood from the tree-stump, and tried to grab her by the shoulder and throw her to the ground. Sehn realized at once this was a mistake. Cah’lia was far too agile to engage in a hand-to-hand fight. She side-stepped him easily, and with an extended foot tripped him to the ground. Sehn landed on his stomach with a thud, and growled. Cah’lia was going to be punished.

Before he could fully stand up, she had already jumped on top of him, pushing him to the ground and sitting on top of his chest. Sehn tried to struggle, but she distributed her weight and used her powerful arms to hold his in place. It was humiliating.

She released an arm on him, and grabbed the food. Sehn’s face lit up in horror as he realized what she was going to do.

No!
Sehn screamed on the inside.
Not that, it’s too much! I shall be shamed for life!

He could not get her off of him, and so there he was, struggling as Cah’lia sat on him and forced him to eat, shoving food down his mouth and treating him like a baby.

“This is going to happen every time you don’t eat,” she teased. Sehn’s eyes went dark with rage, but he struggled to no avail, as he was forced to either eat or choke. When she finally got off of him, Sehn leaped to his feet and pointed at her, drawing his Elven blade. There was a threshold to how much humiliation a single God could take, and it had just been reached. Judgment day was coming early.

“
Cah’lia!”
he shouted at her. “I demand a life or death battle, and I demand it this instant!”

To Sehn’s surprise, Cah’lia drew her dagger, and nodded. “All right, then, is that what you really want? A fight to the death?” she licked the tip of her dagger and wore a menacing grin. “Let’s go, then.”

Sehn would not be intimidated by the Elven woman. He would beat her to a pulp and make her apologize. He wouldn’t kill her—not because he liked her or anything—but she needed to live with her defeat. The punishment of humiliation would far outweigh death.

Sehn advanced on her, but allowed her to make the first move. With a grace that was unique to Cah’lia, she spun and twirled, attacking with her dagger and causing sparks to fly as her dagger pushed back Sehn’s Elven steel. Sehn was surprised to see the dagger actually push his blade back. It was like being hit by another sword, she was able to put such an incredible force behind it.

Each time she twirled her dagger Sehn was able to parry, and each time he was surprised by how much force she was able to put into the tiny dagger.

“What’s the matter, Sehn? Fight back. Why aren’t you fighting back?”

She forced Sehn to back up, until his back hit a tree near the entrance to the forest. “What’s the matter?” she asked again. “Why aren’t you fighting back? I know why. It’s because you love me, don’t you Sehn?”

Sehn’s eyes widened with outrage, burning with the agony of her horrific insult. “How dare you make such a claim, Cah’lia! The Great Sehn loves only money and power! No mortal can be—”

Sehn was silenced as her lips pressed against his, shutting him up with a passionate kiss. Sehn wanted to pull away, he wanted to shout at her, but his arms weren’t moving properly.

Not again!
His mind roared.
Why am I doing this? No, stop! What the fuck are my arms doing? Stop moving, arms! I know what’s going on here. It all makes sense now. I must be possessed by a demon, and it’s controlling my body.

Sehn grabbed Cah’lia’s smooth shoulders, and pulled her closer, and for the second time in his life, emotions he had never before felt came rushing to the front of his brain. Sehn never realized how wonderful Cah’lia smelled, the Koringrathian perfumes combining with her natural scent to create an almost intoxicating draw. She melted into his arms, and for the briefest moment, and for the first time in Sehn’s life, he let down his guard, and allowed himself to be defenseless. He was confused—he didn’t understand what was happening to him.

Nero, followed closely by the rest of the group, came rushing to watch the fight. Rillith and Daniel were grinning, while Saerith and Saerina held looks of interest. All at once Cah’lia pulled away from him and winked. “Now, fight me for real. Because if you lose,” she said pointing behind her. “I am going to swear my love to the Elven prince.”

Sehn listened to her words, and felt nothing. It was true! He was in no way trembling from her words. He was in no way shaking with anger, fear, and terror from the mere idea of Cah’lia and the prince as lovers. He was in no way breathless, wondering what he would do if such a nightmare came to pass. The words had no noticeable effect on him whatsoever. The only reason he was gripping his Elven blade so tight that his fingers were becoming red, was because he wanted to win the fight. It was!

“You think I care about something like that, Cah’lia? Hah! The Great Sehn cares not who fat-Ass’lia falls in love with.”

Sehn snarled as she returned a playful grin. “You know, I hear that the Elven prince is a,” she leaned in close and whispered seductively in his ear, “wonderful kisser.”

Sehn had heard enough. He pushed her off of him, and raised his blade, preparing for an overhead swing. He gripped his blade, prepared for his attack, and…and...did nothing. Cah’lia once again spun, twirling her blade, and slashed at Sehn, which he blocked with ease, causing another small spark to shoot from the Elven blade.

“You still won’t fight me seriously, Sehn?”

“I
am
fighting you seriously, you just got lucky. I was just about to attack you, but I didn’t have a good opening.”

Cah’lia sheathed her dagger, and turned around. “This fight is over. I can’t wait to see what the prince’s tongue tastes like.”

In a rage, Sehn slammed his foot on the ground, and bellowed at Cah’lia. “
This fight is not over!”
He howled at her, his voice booming in a fiery rage. In the same loud, eardrum shattering scream, he also shouted.
“And not because I care about what you just said, or anything. Only because I want to win, and for no other reason than—fuck I’m losing my voice!”

Cah’lia once again turned to him, wearing her wicked smirk. She unsheathed her dagger. “Then fight me like you fought the Drashian Overseer, or I will make the prince a very lucky man.”

Sehn couldn’t handle it anymore. He tried not to imagine it, yet the picture kept returning to his mind. In his mind he saw Cah’lia and Prince Saerith, kissing, and laughing about how pathetic he was. He tried to speak, but his desperation had reached such a level that he could no longer form words. Well, conversational words. There was still one thing he could say.

He dropped his left hand from the sword, holding it with only his right, and with his left he extended his palm toward Cah’lia.

“Oh, my,” Saerina exclaimed to her brother. “He’s collecting quite a bit of magical energy.”

“Remmos Salas
!” Sehn cried. It was not his usual cry. It was one filled with hope, desperation, and an unshakeable resolve.

“Remmos Salas!”

“Remmos Salas!”

“Remmos Salas!”

“Fuck you Prince Saerith!”

“Remmos Salas!”

Sehn watched in fear as his fireballs soared at Cah’lia, wondering if perhaps he had overdone it. Cah’lia grinned, and ducked under the first, jumped over the second, side-stepped the third, and in one of the most impressive things Sehn had ever seen, she spun and sliced at the fourth with her dagger, the flame dissipating as it made contact.

“It’s my turn,” she laughed.

Sehn barely had time to raise his blade as Cah’lia charged at him, thrusting her dagger at a ferocious speed, each strike aimed to kill. At close range, fighting against a dagger with a sword was almost impossible, as the larger weapon was too slow to block most of the attacks. However, Sehn was confident in his speed with a sword—he was confident in his everything!