Questing (Cosmis Connections, Book One) (43 page)

“Why didn’t you?”

“I hurt you, Jordan, in the worst way imaginable. I know I made it sound as if I repaid the way you helped me with sex. I made your love into something ugly. I said horrible things that I knew weren’t true. What could I say to you if I’d called?”

“You did call though. What changed your mind?”

“First, I saw the letter you sent out. I was with Dee the day Will talked to you about it. He was much more blunt than Dee was. He told me how you looked. He said I should fix things with you and I might not have unlimited time to do it. Then this morning, Shane came to see me.”

“I’m sorry, Kiley. He shouldn’t have.”

“Yes, he should have, Jordan. He made me listen to what happened last Tuesday. I knew I was wrong but he showed me just how wrong. He also pointed out that if you had faith in me, I should too. And I’m sure you already guessed that Brett and Sadie came to see me. They came to the restaurant as I was about to leave today. They told me your plans and how they came to be. Brett mentioned your recent investing and how he thinks you’re getting ready to go away same as Will had. Then he told me that he’s decided to believe in me. He said he was ready to put all his trust in me to get us through this. While he and Sadie talked, he did another sketch. It was of both of us looking as he sees us now. If I blow it tonight he wants the first one back so he can use them to remind him why he shouldn’t ever fall in love.”

“What are you trying to say, Kiley?”

“Well, Jordan, first, I’m trying to apologize and—”

“Don’t you think you should do this in person? Please. Where are you?”

“Out front. Brett loaned me his cell phone. Sadie told me what time to call and he gave me his phone. She figured you’d answer if you thought it was her and he knew you would if you checked and saw his number.”

When she revealed her location, Jordan raced down the stairs. Before she finished her explanation, he was outside. “Hang up and come over here,” he said before he disconnected their call. When she hesitated, he sat on the top step to wait. He was in a shadow so she couldn’t see his face.

Trembling, Kiley got out of the car and crossed the street, stopping on the sidewalk in front of him. She knew she had to speak but standing there, so close but still afraid to reach for him, her mind went blank.

“I thought you had something to say to me,” Jordan urged gently. “Should I go back inside?”

“N-no… I… God, I’m blowing this!”

“Just tell me what you feel. Everything. Don’t think, just talk.”

She wished she could see his eyes. “Okay… Well… I love you. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I hurt you. I was so stupid but I was scared. I would do anything to turn back time and relive last Tuesday. I finally meet the guy I want to spend my life with and I screw it up so bad. I couldn’t believe it when you said you wanted the same things in your life that I’d always wished for in my own. I hung up on you when you asked me to marry you over the phone because I was about to scream yes and how would you react if you’d just been kidding? I was also afraid you’d think I was insane since, at the time, I still couldn’t really talk to you. And you made everything okay, just like you said you would and I ruined everything. You were about to start the life I wanted to share with you and I destroyed that too. Is Brett right? Are you going to disappear after Max dies? Jordan, I’m sorry I freaked out and let my mind invent things instead of listening to my heart. I ruined our chance for happiness but please, don’t let my mistakes ruin things for you. Don’t let me destroy your friendship. Brett is so worried about you. Go follow your grand scheme and do what the two of you set out to do. You are such a good man. Don’t let my foolishness deprive the rest of the world of all you intended to give it.”

“I need to ask you a question,” Jordan interrupted. “Did you want to hurt me? Did you plan on throwing me out of your life when I left the restaurant to meet Winslow that day? Did you believe I was a monster then?”

Kiley took a deep breath to steady herself. The day Brett told her Jordan had his heart on his sleeve and she didn’t, she hadn’t really understood exactly what he meant. Now she did. At this point, nothing less than the naked truth would do. “I did not ever sit down and tell myself that the next time I saw you I was going to rip your heart out. It never crossed my mind. But I could see what my words were doing to you. I knew I was hurting you and I couldn’t force myself to stop. I was stunned to hear me telling you that it was unfortunate that you loved me. God, Jordan, I was saying things that were exactly opposite of how I felt. I never imagined that I’d meet someone like you. Even when I proclaimed that you were a monster, part of me kept insisting that I shut up. That was so far from the truth and I knew it.

“You asked if I planned on kicking you out of my life. For a few minutes I did but not that day.” She saw him flinch and rushed to continue. “It was the night before, when I was waiting for you to call to say good night. I was thinking about the time that we spent together and let my insecurities sneak up on me. I thought you’d get bored with me eventually so I was going to make it easy on you to walk away when the time came. I planned on telling you that I just want to have some fun and that I wasn’t ready to settle down in a serious relationship. I figured I could convince you to keep us in a fling mood without any heavy emotions, kind of like friends who happen to have great sex when the mood strikes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me then?”

“Because when you started to rub my feet, I knew I didn’t ever want you to be just a fling. I wanted it all, everything we’d talked about. I decided that I’d become whatever I had to, to keep you interested in me.

“This morning when Shane was talking to me, he said that somewhere along the line he’d forgotten to trust your instincts and judgment and became intimidated by you. He wondered how much more he could have done with his life if he’d continued to have the same faith in himself as you do. He used Brett as an example of what can be accomplished with you believing in someone. It got me thinking of how you always stopped me when I made a comment that put myself down. You believed in me when I didn’t and now my doubts have sabotaged our chance.”

“So you think we only deserve one chance?”

“After the way I treated you, I have no right to hope for anything.”

“What about me? Don’t I deserve another chance at the life I want? Don’t I deserve to be happy?”

“Of course you do, more than anyone,” Kiley responded instantly. “I’m just not sure it should include me.”

“Still insecure?”

“Not about my feelings for you and what I want. I don’t see how you could possibly forgive me. How could you trust me with your heart again after what I did?”

“Would you hurt me like that again or would you discuss things with me if you start having doubts about something?”

“I’d remind myself of this week and talk to you. I never want to put that look back on your face.”

“Do you think I still love you?”

“My heart does but my head doesn’t see how you can.”

Jordan was silent for a long time, so long that Kiley decided he was going to send her away. When he began to speak again, she braced herself for his dismissal.

“Well Kiley, I think I do have some advice regarding your guy. If you truly mean everything you told me I suggest you listen to your heart. Tell him the truth about what was in your mind that day. And then, if he’s still with you, simply ask him to forgive you and take you back into his life.”

Kiley was afraid to breathe. Had she heard him right or was her head playing more tricks on her? “Jordan, you told me that you wanted to have some role in my life. You said you’d always love me and that I could count on that, no matter what. I know I’m asking more than is reasonable but I also know I have to try since I can’t imagine my life without you. I made a monumental mistake and, even though I’ll never make that one again, I may make others. I do love you, Jordan, so I have to ask you this. Can you forgive me?”

“If you’ll answer one more question for me, I think that may be possible.” He took something from his shirt pocket that she couldn’t see.

“Anything,” she replied.

“Kiley, will you marry me?” He held out his hand, showing her the diamond and emerald ring he held.

Kiley gasped. “Yes, oh my God, yes! I don’t believe this.”

“Why not? I said forever and I meant forever.” Kiley was still on the sidewalk. Jordan stood, opening his arms to her. “Come here, sweet. I missed you.”

Kiley flung herself at him, laughing and crying all at once. “I promise you, Jordan. I will never…”

“Sh.” He held her tightly. “It’s in the past now.” Slowly he released her. “I bought this the day after I met you.” He took her hand and slid the ring on her finger.

“It’s beautiful.” She wasn’t surprised by his information. “Jordan, I don’t want to rush you but can we get married soon? I want Max there with us.”

“You’re a good person, Kiley Fisher.” Jordan was thrilled. “I’d like that too.”

“And then we can move to that little town so you can show me how an investor and an advertising guy go about revitalizing a radio station?”

“It will be my pleasure.” Jordan claimed her mouth with the sweetest kiss.

“Speaking of pleasure,” Kiley murmured against him. “Can I come in?”

“Do you think I’d ever send you back across town to sleep alone when you’re here, saying you love me and agreeing to marry me?”

“No.” Kiley kissed him this time. “We need to make a phone call first.” Jordan raised an eyebrow as he ushered her up the stairs. “I want to call Brett.”

“Okay, then what?”

“Then,” she turned to face him and smiled, “I want you to show me how sweet you can be with me encouraging you to share your heart. I want to see just how tender we can be together now that I’m not afraid of loving you. I want to begin our forever.”

Also by Barbara Huffert

Deal of a Lifetime

Hot Rush

Linked

Also see Barbara’s additional title at Cerridwen Press (www.cerridwenpress.com):

Drake’s Rules

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