Queer (16 page)
Authors: Kathy Belge
There's a lot of pressure out there to have a relationship. But going out with someone when you're young isn't for everyoneâespecially if you're still trying to figure out who you are as a person. Some people don't feel the need to pursue relationships until they're older (some never do at all), and that's OK. Even if it seems like everyone around you is going out with someone, it's perfectly fine to wait until you're ready or until you find someone you're attracted to in that way. Staying single can be fulfilling in its own way, giving you time to focus on other things, like sports, your studies, or your family. And if you don't want to be single but it seems like it's taking forever to meet someone, have patienceâit will happen.
Is it time for you to enter relationship territory? Before you decide that having a relationship with someone is right for you, ask yourself these questions.
Do I want to be in a relationship just because I'm lonely?
Do I want to be in a relationship only because everyone else is?
Am I saying yes just because someone is asking and I don't want to hurt her?
Obviously, if your answer is yes to any of these questions, then you need to reconsider. You would be treating the other person unfairly if you were in it just for the relationship and not for him or her. You want to go out with a
person,
not an idea. And going out with someone because you feel pressured to do so is never a good thing.
You don't need a relationship to make you feel good about yourself. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. Sometimes when you're queer, it can feel like you're all alone in the world. So when you meet someone and hit it off, you may feel that quickly latching on to that person will solve all your problems. Reality check, darling: That's not going to happen. Believe in yourself first, and everything else will follow.
Also, remember that even though they say love conquers all, they also say love is blind. Take a moment to step back from the heart-racing fires of your new dreamy romance and consider your potential mate objectivelyâas relationship material. Is he ready for a relationship? Does she seem stable enough to bring positive things to the relationship? Can you trust him to be open and responsible enough to handle it? You deserve to be with someone who respects you for the wonderful creature you are and brings out the best in you.
If you believe that you're both in a great place to start a relationship adventure together, then go for it! The next step is finding out what kind of relationship works for you.
Let's face it: Depending on where you live, there may not be many other LGBT teens around. So when that cute twenty-five-year-old from the coffee shop asks you out, you might want to say yes. Or you might be infatuated with someone older: your coach, a church counselor, or a friend of your parents. That's really common, and it may feel flattering that an older person is giving you attention. But this kind of relationship comes with a lot of risks. Sometimes, older people want to date younger people because they believe that they can more easily control the relationship. And then there's the issue of legality. Adults are not legally allowed to have sex with minors (see more about this in Chapter 7), and you could both get in big trouble with the law.
Unfortunately, many young queers who are looking for an older role model do end up in these kinds of relationships. It's fineâand even goodâto have older role models, but it's best to date people your own age.
So what kind of relationship do you want? Many relationships evolve naturally, and you may not even know what kind of relationship you want until you're actually in one! But when you do enter into a relationship, you can avoid a lot of grief about "unwritten rules" by thinking about your expectations and making sure they gel with your partner's. This means actually talking about it. Of course, people don't always like to have conversations about their relationships. After all, you're totally hot for each other; you should just know what one another is thinking telepathically, right? Right, and you're the king of Norway. Being honest from the start can keep things from getting confusing later.
- Romantic dinner once a week.
- eyes ONLY on each other.
- no pink muscle tees.
Does your idea of a relationship include eating lunch together each day and talking on the phone every night? Or does it mean an occasional text message and heavy make-out sessions on Fridays? If you're trans, would your partner prefer that you always dress as one gender? If you're gay, does your boyfriend expect you to drop all your other male friends? (This would be a big red flag, by the way.) Will you tell your parents about each other? If this is your first relationship, you might not even know exactly what you want. The important thing is to pay attention to your feelings and to talk about them with your partner.
You'll also need to talk, at some point, about commitment. You may decide to start just "seeing" each other or "hanging out"âwhich usually means dating without any commitment. (Although be careful about any assumptions!) But as things get serious, you may want to define your relationship more precisely.
That could mean not dating or hooking up with other people, which would make it an exclusive relationship. (If you are having sex with each other and decide to not have sex with anyone else, you can also call it
monogamous.
)
If you decide you are not ready or willing to be exclusive, that's fine, too. Just make sure you and your partner are on the same page and agree to the rules. Are you allowed to make out with other people? Go out on dates with other people? Sleep with other people? Be really specific so that no one feels betrayed. As your relationship grows, things may change, depending on howyou both feel. No rules are right or wrong, but you and your partner have to agree on them. It's not called cheating because you dated or slept with someone else but because it went against a relationship rule. Establish the rules together and stick to them If you want to have a healthy, respectful relationship. Read more about the sexual implications of being exclusive or not in Chapter
7.
My Big, Bad Lesbian Breakup
Alice was the perfect girl for me. We were friends, and I'd had a crush on her for a long time before we finally got together. We had so much in common, plus she was smart and cute and sexy. We were going to different colleges when we started dating, so we visited each other a couple of times and made plans to live together over the summer. When the semester was over, I packed up my things and got a crappy job and a dingy sublet not far from where she lived in her college town. But I didn't care; we were together, and things were great. Until two weeks after I arrived when she dumped me.
I couldn't believe it. I'd given up my whole summer to move there, and now I was alone and depressed and couldn't ever imagine being happy again. I sleepwalked through my door-to-door canvassing job, barely caring if people talked to me or not. I didn't want to do any of the things I normally enjoyed. What fun would dancing be if she weren't there? I didn't seem to have the strength to pull my bike out of the garage. Food tasted bland, and I subsisted on boxed macaroni and cheese and corn flakes. I pulled the drapes and turned the lights off in my apartment and played the same Melissa Etheridge CD again and again. I cried myself to sleep each night. I was miserable and didn't think I would ever meet someone I would love as much as Alice.
Well, that miserable summer finally ended, and I made my way back to school. I got involved in a new organization on campus, and soon I had a new group of friends and was barely thinking about Alice anymore. It took about a year, but finally, I did start dating someone whom I really cared about. Now, I hardly ever think about the girl I thought I couldn't live without.
Good communication is key in a relationship, but when you're young, it can be tough. For instance, you may feel vulnerable and not be into telling your girlfriend that you were jealous when she went out with her basketball team last Friday instead of you. But it's best to be open about your feelings (in a gentle, nonaccusatory way, that is). If you don't say anything, she may never know you were upset. The same goes if she does or says something that makes you feel sad or uncomfortable. Don't bottle it up inside or act like a martyr. Be brave and discuss things rationally in a private space where you both feel comfortable. May be practice what you're going to say beforehand until you can say it calmly. And If you've done something that you know is out of bounds, own up to it. You'll find that talking things out really makes a difference, and you'll respect each other even more than you already do. And communication doesn't always have to be about the bad stuff! Remember to talk about the good things in your relationship as well, and don't forget to compliment your partner when she's done something great or offer encouragement when she's going through difficult times.
Learning to communicate with each other takes practice. You don't need to process every little thing or stay up all night trying to figure out if your relationship is healthy. But checking in regularly about how things are going certainly helps. Even If you're not always on the same page, you can at least make sure you're reading the same book.
He's so cute, he has amazing style, he really listens to what you have to say, and you can't ever imagine getting tired of that adorable way he scrunches up his nose when he does math in his head. He sings you old country songs over the phone before you go to sleep, and you both like weird cult Japanese moviesâespecially the ones with really fake-looking monsters. You've even decided that you're officially going out.
But all of that doesn't necessarily mean you're in love. Sometimes we just get infatuated with people but there's no real substance or maturity behind the emotions. To see if you are really in love, ask yourself these questions.
Does it seem mutual?
Can you trust your partner with your secrets?
Do you bring out the best in each other?
Are you confident about the relationship?
Are you happy?
Does the relationship make your life better?
Would you willingly give your partner your last donut hole, even though you'd been saving it for later?
