Queen of the Oddballs (17 page)

I tear open the envelope. Inside I find a pair of eyeglasses, which feature, in place of lenses, winky eyes that shift from one picture to another with each tiny movement. The first image looks like eyes until I move the glasses; then the image is a pin-up girl. Entertaining, but now what?

I sit, waiting for direction.

Nothing.

I try on the glasses.

That’s where I find the next clue—taped to the inside of each lens.

I heave Sally up off the bench and we head uphill. Atop a drinking fountain I spot yet one more sign.

I reach into my child mannequin’s corduroy jumper pocket and pull out a piece of paper.

I spot it up ahead. A blanket. And there, spread out across the blanket, is a basket of biscuits and muffins, strawberry jam, orange and pink ceramic bowls filled with nectarines and figs, and in the center an enormous bouquet of lilies, tulips, and freesias. It’s all surrounded by several gifts brilliantly wrapped in Gift Wrap Option C.

I feel nauseous with anticipation. I look around. No one’s in sight.

Then I spot one more note tucked in the basket of muffins.

No way! Shit. Okay, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t wait any longer. Who’s behind this? How long will it keep going? How will it end?

I take a breath and stop myself. Why do any of those things matter when the hunt itself is so phenomenal? I breathe again, and this time, with my exhale,
I release the need to know
. I take a biscuit from the basket, slather it with jam, and begin to enjoy my birthday breakfast.

Then I hear a voice—faintly at first. It’s a woman’s voice. She’s singing “Happy Birthday.” I stand, cock my head, and hear that the song is coming from the bushes. As it gets louder and closer, I hold my breath. Who will it be?

And there, into the clearing, steps
Nora.

“No fucking way!” I screech. “Damn, you’re a good liar!”

She laughs. I take her in my arms. “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I keep repeating. “That was absolutely amazing. You’re amazing.”

We share breakfast and talk about the hunt and her stellar acting job. I even open the presents—in front of her—having learned a good lesson in receiving the past two days.

We spend a lovely day together, and later I spend a long, teary but sweet night with Danielle. But when Danielle asks if she can sleep over, I shake my head.

“I need to be alone,” I say. And I realize I actually mean it.

At midnight I crawl under the covers, close my eyes, and think over every detail of “The Case of the Inexplicable Birthday Treasure Hunt.”

I can’t help but smile. My birthday wish has come true.
I have clarity.
As spectacular as my gift was, and as much as I want Nora to be “the one,” I’m not in love with her. We can’t
make
someone into our soul mate. If we could, it would have nothing to do with our souls. And maybe the person we think is “the one,” like Danielle, is just one of the destinations and gifts along the way that ultimately lead us to solving the mystery.

I turn on my side and glance at my cowboy lamp. And then, for the first time in twenty-nine years, I reach over and turn off the light.

• Ayatollah Khomeini offers 2.5 million dollars for the murder of
  The Satanic Verses
  author, Salman Rushdie. The press claims that Yusuf Islam, who I saw perform countless times at the Troub when he was Cat Stevens, endorses the fatwa on Rushdie’s life. “Oh, baby, baby it’s a Wild World….”
  
 

• Keanu Reeves, a close friend of Katie’s, my girlfriend of two years, who filled her cupboards with groceries and endless boxes of macaroni and cheese when she was broke, scores a hit with
  Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
  .
  
 

• Beverly Hills Cop
  s are busy after Lyle and Eric Menendez shoot their wealthy parents to death in their family’s den and Zsa Zsa Gabor is arrested after slapping a motorcycle police officer.
  
 

• After two years of intense ACT UP protests over the high price for the drug AZT, proven to delay the onset of AIDS, the drug company Burroughs Wellcome lowers the price by 20 percent. Many of my friends and acquaintances die of AIDS, as does Amanda Blake, Miss Kitty on
  Gunsmoke
  .
  
 

• I mourn the loss of Lucille Ball, who dies at age seventy-seven.
  
 

• Still a
  Knots Landing
  fan, I befriend one of the show’s regulars, Teri Austin, whose character turns into a psychopath and dresses in a wig and disguise to kill Valene Ewing. Teri shows up at my birthday party in the psycho murderess disguise.
  
 

• A group of friends gather at my house to watch the infamous Rob Lowe sex videotape.
  
 

• After experiencing too many headaches and bursts of energy followed by crashes of exhaustion, I give up my dessert habit and stop eating sugar, and all sweeteners, entirely.
  
 

• Teenage pop sensation Debbie Gibson, the youngest artist in chart history to have written, produced, and performed a #1 song, co-hosts the
  American Music Awards
  .
  
 

INT. GREAT WESTERN FORUM, LOS ANGELES, 1989–NIGHT

CLOSE ON HILLARY CARLIP, early thirties, an artistic brunette woman who exudes warmth and creativity, sitting in the audience at a concert. Next to her is PAUL AARON, a movie producer with a kind, open face.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL THE SINGER ONSTAGE. It’s teen pop sensation DEBBIE GIBSON, singing her hit song, “ONLY IN MY DREAMS.”

 

HILLARY
(under her breath, to Paul)

Only in my dreams…. Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth.

 

LYNDA OBST, another producer, sits with Hillary and Paul. She stands up along with teens in the audience, dancing and clapping. An intense woman in her forties, Lynda seems like she’s always buzzed on coke, even when she’s not.

 

LYNDA
(shouting over to Paul)

Look at how everybody loves Debbie Gibson! And she’s all ours!

 

FLASHBACK:
One year earlier. Hillary is sitting in the living room of her 1910 Craftsman house with KATIE, her live-in girlfriend of two years. A brilliant writer, Katie leaves herself wide open to access that deep creativity which not only lets her humor and insight shine, it also often lets out her fear and darkness. The two are collaborating on a screenplay.

 

HILLARY

I don’t think Betty would have a problem approaching the Flames once she sees them dancing. She doesn’t know yet that they’re a gang.

 

 

KATIE

Yeah, but it’s 1964, she’s just moved to the Bronx, and the Flames are black girls. Do you think she ever knew any black girls in the suburbs of Scarsdale?

 

 

HILLARY

Her maid’s daughter?

 

 

KATIE

Exactly.

 

The two, entwined on the couch like a scene out of the movie
Love Story,
minus the fatal illness, continue writing.

MONTAGE: BELINDA CARLISLE’S “HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH” PLAYS as we see:

—Hillary and Katie hug each other and jump and shout as they finish their screenplay. Their big, brown hound dog, MONSTER, joins in, jumping and barking in celebration.

—CLOSE ON SCRIPT COVER, we see the title of the film,
SKIRTS
. We also see that it’s the “SEVENTH DRAFT.” Hillary rips the cover off and replaces it with one that says “FIRST DRAFT.”

—Hillary and Katie meet with producer Paul Aaron at his office. He’s going over the script with them and is clearly enthusiastic about it.

—At the door of Paul’s office, Hillary greets old friend KENNY ORTEGA, choreographer of
Xanadu
and
Dirty Dancing
, and now a director. She introduces him to Paul and Katie. They all talk excitedly and laugh--clearly a partnership is forming.

—Hillary, Katie, Paul, and Kenny walk into CAA, Creative Artists Agency, in Beverly Hills. They shake hands with several agents, who are all gushing over the script.

—We see various QUICK CUTS of STUDIO EXECUTIVES reading the script, then immediately picking up the phone to call CAA with offers.

—QUICK CUTS of Hillary and Katie at home receiving gifts: A muffin basket. Flowers. Caps, shot glasses, sweatshirts, T-shirts, mugs, and key chains--all with different studio logos on them.

—See the cover of
Daily Variety
spin into frame, its headlines shouting “BIDDING WAR FOR
SKIRTS
. TYRO SCRIBES SELL SPEC FOR BIG BUCKS.”

—MONTAGE ENDS as Hillary and Katie hug triumphantly.

INT. COLUMBIA STUDIOS–DAWN STEEL’S OFFICE–DAY

Hillary and Katie sit close to each other, along with Paul and Kenny, as they meet with the infamous DAWN STEEL, the first female ever to head a movie studio. She’s imposing but effusive, wearing, in her power suit jacket pocket, an auburn-colored scarf that matches the color of her hair exactly.

AMY PASCAL, the sharp yet warm VICE PRESIDENT, and other male EXECUTIVES sit around the conference table, all part of the meeting.

 

DAWN

We know you had several other offers, and we’re thrilled you chose to work with us.

 

 

AMY

We’re all so excited about
Skirts,
and we’ll do everything we can to see that the film gets made.

 

 

EXECUTIVE #1

Absolutely.

 

 

EXECUTIVE #2

It’s a priority.

 

 

DAWN

I want to introduce you girls to the Executive Producer we’re attaching to the project. We think she’s perfect for
Skirts
and I’m sure you’ll agree. Lynda Obst.

 

Lynda enters, clicking in on high heels. Though she comes off sweet and accessible, there’s a look in her eye that explains why people have said she’s got “killer instincts.” She shakes hands with everyone then gives Dawn and Amy each an air kiss.

 

LYNDA
(to Hillary and Katie)

So great to meet you girls. I fell in love with your script. I could totally relate to Betty and the fish-out-of-water aspect.

 

 

AMY

I personally loved how the girl gangs used dancing to establish their hierarchy.

 

 

EXECUTIVE #1

What I thought was so brilliant was setting it all against the backdrop of the New York World’s Fair--especially with their motto that year: “Peace Through Understanding.”

 

 

DAWN

Basically we’re saying we absolutely loved every word of your script.

 

 

HILLARY

Cool.

 

 

KATIE

Great.

 

 

PAUL

So that must mean there won’t be anything really for the girls to rewrite.

 

 

LYNDA

Well, we do have a few notes.

 

ANGLE ON Lynda passing out copies of notes to everyone in the room.

CLOSE ON THE PAPERS in Hillary’s hands as she leafs through
twenty pages of single-spaced typed notes
.

 

LYNDA (CONT’D)

And since the film’s on a fast track, we’d like you to get the rewrite in to us within a month.

 

 

AMY

We know you girls can do it.

CUT TO:

 

INT. HILLARY AND KATIE’S HOUSE–DAY

The girls are working at a desk in an upstairs office. Out the window we can see the Hollywood sign looming in the background. We come in on the tail end of an argument.

 

HILLARY

Okay…this isn’t even about the script, is it? What’s with you? This should be the happiest time of our lives!

 

 

KATIE

I don’t know…it’s just…

 

 

HILLARY

You’re so depressed lately. What’s going on?

 

 

KATIE

I guess I feel pressured--with work on the show…

 

(pan to a framed photo of the
Family Ties
logo featuring Katie’s “written by” credit)

 

…and our deadline. I’m only twenty-three, and I have all these huge responsibilities.

 

 

HILLARY

Can I do anything to help?

 

 

KATIE

No, no.

 

Hillary takes a sip of coffee, giving silence in hopes that Katie will take advantage of it and say more. She finally does.

 

KATIE (CONT’D)

It’s not just that…. I love you so much, but I feel like I’ve lost my independence.

 

Hillary almost does a spit take with her beverage. She’s definitely felt some distance from Katie over the past few months, but she just thought they were going through a temporary rough patch.

 

HILLARY

So what are you saying?

 

 

KATIE

I need some time alone. Need to go find myself.

 

 

HILLARY

Wouldn’t it be easier if you had someone helping you look?

 

 

KATIE

I’m serious. I think I should get my own place.

 

PUSH IN CLOSE ON HILLARY, disbelief on her face.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE UP ON Hillary helping Katie find an apartment.

QUICK CUTS of several completely wrong places--roaches in the bathtub, noisy neighbors downstairs, a view of the neighbors’ bedroom directly outside the window.

END ON Katie finding a beautiful place and signing a lease. Hillary excuses herself, goes into Katie’s new bathroom, sits on the edge of the bathtub, and weeps.

INT. COLUMBIA STUDIOS OFFICE–A MONTH LATER–DAY

Paul sits between Hillary and Katie. We can tell things are strained between the girls. Lynda, Amy, and one of the Executives are going over notes.

 

AMY

You guys did a great job with the rewrite.

 

 

LYNDA

Dawn’s maid read the script, you know, to give a black perspective….

 

The girls can’t help but look at each other.

 

EXECUTIVE #1

Her only problem was one of the Flames’ names--Cloretta. She felt that character’s name needs to be changed.

 

 

HILLARY

That’s it? She didn’t like the name Cloretta?

 

 

PAUL

Look, if that’s the only note she had, then we’re thrilled.

 

 

LYNDA

Yes, that’s it from her. But the studio has a few more notes for you.

 

She passes them around to all.

CLOSE ON THE PAPERS in Hillary’s hands as she leafs through
ten pages of single-spaced typed notes
.

Paul, the girls’ champion and protector, speaks out.

 

PAUL

The script keeps getting further and further away from what it was you all loved about it to begin with.

 

 

KATIE
(chiming in)

It feels like it’s losing its essence.

 

 

HILLARY

It’s no longer our vision.

 

 

LYNDA

You know how few movies in development get made. Do you want to get
Skirts
green-lit or what?

 

 

AMY

Why don’t you girls dive in and we’ll reconvene a week from tomorrow.

CUT TO:

 

EXT. COLUMBIA STUDIOS PARKING LOT–MOMENTS LATER

Hillary and Katie are leaning against a car.

 

HILLARY

This is so bizarre. Going home to separate places.

 

 

KATIE

But we have a date tomorrow night.

 

 

HILLARY

Somehow that’s not very comforting. I don’t know if I can do this--go from living together for two years to dating.

 

 

KATIE

Can we at least try?

 

 

HILLARY

Fine. So I guess I’ll just see you tomorrow night.

 

 

KATIE

I’ll call you in the morning, and we’ll figure out a work schedule for this week.

 

There’s an awkward moment before they move to hug each other. They kiss good-bye and head their separate ways.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. HILLARY’S BEDROOM–NIGHT