Queen of the Mersey (21 page)

‘So it is!’ he said with a warmth that she could tell was an effort. ‘Laura told me in one of her letters that I’d never recognise you and she was right. You look marvellous, Queenie. The little duckling has turned into a beautiful swan.’

‘Daddy!’ The living room door was flung open and Hester appeared. ‘I heard your voice. Oh, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!’ She flung herself at him.

Roddy picked her up. ‘Lord, you’re a weight. And so tall. How old are you now, fifteen?’

Hester giggled. ‘No, I’m only seven, but much taller than Mary. Daddy, are you home for good?’

‘No, sweetheart. I’m afraid not.’ He carried her into the room. ‘Hello, Vera, Mary. Ah, I see we have acquired a baby. She looks very sweet.’

‘She’s a he, Roddy. His name’s Sammy and he’s six months old today,’ Queenie said in a rush, praying that Laura would come soon, wishing she’d gone to the pictures, not a dance, or hadn’t gone out at all, wishing Roddy had given advance notice he was coming home. ‘This is Jimmy Nicholls. He was evacuated with us to Wales, and that’s Brian who lives upstairs. You might have already met him.’

Jimmy said hurriedly he’d better be going. Brian wished everyone goodnight and left. Vera gave Roddy a hug and said she’d finish making the tea Queenie had started, then take Mary and Sammy home. ‘He’s me first grandchild,’ she said proudly.

‘I was sorry to hear about Dick, Vera. And Billy too, of course.’

‘Ta, luv.’ Vera gave him a little welcoming pat as she went past.

Five minutes later, there were only three of them left; Roddy, Hester and Queenie. Hester was sitting on her daddy’s knee, his chin resting on her blonde curls. Feeling in the way, Queenie announced she was going to bed.

‘You’ll do no such thing,’ Roddy said, smiling again in the way that always did something to her heart. ‘You’re family now. I’d like you to stay. What time will Laura be home?’

‘Any minute now.’ She wondered if he was only asking her to stay because he wanted to question her about Laura.

‘Is she at the cinema?’

Hester raised her head. ‘No, Daddy. She went to a dance. She wore the silk stockings Queenie got her from Herriot’s.’

A frown flickered across Roddy’s smooth brow. ‘And who did she go to the dance with?’

‘Winnie. Winnie’s beautiful, Daddy. She has purple fingernails. I’m going to have purple fingernails when I grow up.’

‘It’s only the second time she’s gone dancing,’ Queenie put in. ‘Winnie talked her into it.’

‘Laura’s told me all about Winnie.’ Roddy said stiffly. ‘I didn’t realise they went dancing together.’

‘As I said, Roddy, it’s only been the twice.’ She changed the subject. ‘Will you be staying for Christmas?’

‘No, only for a few days. Then I’m off to Kent for special training.’

‘Is Kent in this country, Daddy?’

‘Yes, sweetheart.’ He kissed the top of the blonde head.

‘Then you’ll be able to come and visit us often.’

‘We’ll just have to see,’ Roddy said in what Queenie thought was a rather off hand way.

He told them a little about his time in North Africa. When he’d first arrived, the British forces under General Wavell were on top, then the Germans, led by a General Rommell, had driven them back. ‘Last month, November, we regained some ground, but I’m not sure if we’ll be able to hold on to it.’

‘Was it hot, Daddy? Mummy said it would be terribly hot.’

‘Terribly, terribly hot, sweetheart.’ He looked impatiently at his watch.

‘Mummy’s late. It’s almost midnight. Now, what about this marvellous job of yours, Queenie?’ he said with an effort. ‘I worked in a shop for a while, but I’m afraid I found it deadly dull.’

They went to bed at last. It was past one o’clock and Laura was exhausted. Her head throbbed, her throat ached with talking, trying to explain that the dance meant nothing, that coming home with Ben Tyler meant nothing either.

‘We didn’t go together. I went with Winnie. It was Eric’s idea to come to the Grafton after us, only because he fancies Winnie. Ben just came along with him.

I was already fed up by then.’

‘So why didn’t you come home?’ he said accusingly.

‘Ben was fed up too. He doesn’t like dances. We just sat on the balcony and talked.’

‘Till midnight?’

‘No, we left at half ten, but had to wait ages for a tram. In the end, we gave up and walked to the Pier Head and caught one to Bootle. Roddy,’ she said desperately, ‘you know, you must know, in your heart, that I would never be unfaithful.’ She tried to put herself in his place, imagine coming home after an absence of eighteen months, finding your wife was at a dance and she didn’t return until very late accompanied by another man. She would be equally upset, but felt sure she would have believed him had he sworn, as she had sworn, that it was all completely innocent. The other way around and, by now, they would be laughing about it. No, not laughing; in bed in each other’s arms.

‘So, where’s Eric?’

‘I’ve no idea. He and Winnie didn’t leave with us.’

‘I haven’t heard him come in. Presumably, he’s still with Winnie. Some friends you have, Laura.’

She squirmed at the contempt in his voice. He’d never spoken to her that way before. This wasn’t the Roddy she’d fallen in love with, the man she’d married only days before the war had begun, a war that had changed him, turned him from a boy into a man, an angry, unreasonable man she hardly recognised. ‘I’m sure not all your friends are angels, Roddy,’ she said quietly. ‘Let’s go to bed. I’m tired and you must be too.’ Once in bed, he would become the Roddy she knew. She couldn’t wait to feel his hands on her, for them to kiss. Incredibly, they still hadn’t kissed, yet they’d been in the same room, just the two of them, for more than an hour.

The bedroom was flooded with moonlight. She left the curtains undrawn, so that she could see his face when they made love, see his eyes soften, so that he could see her.

‘You haven’t asked why I’m here,’ he said as he took off his clothes.

She didn’t say it was because she hadn’t had the opportunity. He’d been too busy accusing her of all sorts of things for her to ask anything. ‘I thought you’d come to see us, me and Hester.’

‘There’s a war going on in North Africa, Laura,’ he said, as if she didn’t know.

‘Troops aren’t normally allowed to come thousands of miles just to see relatives when they’re in the middle of a crucial fight.’

‘But they let you?’

‘I’m being transferred to SOE, the Special Operations Executive, that’s why. A notice came round, anyone who could speak fluent French was urgently required to help the Resistance movement over there. I was always top in French at St Jude’s, so I put my name forward, passed the test, and was accepted.’

‘Good.’ She saw he was putting on his pyjamas, when she’d expected him to get into bed naked, so felt obliged to put her nightdress on. It was made out of an old sheet, not exactly glamorous to wear when they hadn’t slept together in such a long while. He got into bed, but didn’t lie down. Instead, he sat, leaning against the bed head. She got in and sat beside him. Neither spoke for several minutes.

‘Roddy,’ she said eventually. ‘The thing with Ben …’

‘It doesn’t matter.’ His tone was brusque.

‘Yes, it does. We’re just good friends. It’s impossible not to be friends when we live together in the same house.’

‘We weren’t friends with Agnes Tate when she lived upstairs.’

‘But this is different, surely?’

‘I know it’s different. Don’t worry about it, Laura. I don’t know why I made such a fuss.’

‘But …’ She stopped, not knowing what to say. He was acting very strangely.

‘Laura.’

‘Yes, Roddy?’

‘I can’t put off telling you any longer. I’ve met someone else. We’d like to get married after the war. I’ll provide you with all the evidence for a divorce.’

It took ages for the words, spoken so matter-of-factly, almost brutally, to sink in, to make sense. There was a rushing sound in her ears, as if she were drowning, sinking deeper and deeper into the water, unable to breathe, her chest expanding, feeling as if it would burst.

‘What?’ Now she was choking, could hardly speak.

‘I’ve met someone else.’

‘Who?’ she choked. ‘Where?’

‘Her name’s Katherine. We met in Dover, after Dunkirk. I told you this chap, Jack Muir, brought me over in his boat and I stayed at his house a few days to recover. Well, Katherine is his daughter. Believe me, Laura,’ his voice softening a little, ‘I truly didn’t mean to fall in love. It was the last thing I expected.’ He shrugged. ‘But I’m afraid I did. And she with me.’

She got out of bed and began to walk around the room. ‘When you came back from Dunkirk, when you hardly spoke to me, hardly touched me, were you in love with Katherine then?’

‘Yes,’ he conceded, slightly shamefaced. ‘I couldn’t bring myself to tell you.’

‘Did you see Katherine while you were in Colchester?’

‘She works in London, it was easy.’

‘Roddy.’ She stopped walking and stared at him intently. ‘Tell me truthfully, did you ever get longer than a twenty-four-hour pass?’

‘Yes, I did, Laura. I’m sorry. It just seemed so completely over between you and me.’

‘In your mind, not mine.’

‘As I said, I’m sorry.’ She couldn’t believe she was having this conversation, not with Roddy. The words ‘completely over’ cut like a knife in her heart. ‘Why did you decide to tell me now?’ she asked.

‘Because at times, when I’m not in France, I’ll be in Kent. You’d be expecting me to come home, come here, to Liverpool. I didn’t want to tell lies.’

‘You mean more lies?’

He sighed. ‘All I can think to say is how sorry I am.’

‘What about Hester? Are you divorcing her too? Will she never see you again?’

In the next room, Hester gave a little cough, as if to remind him that she existed. The bed creaked as she turned over.

‘Of course she will. Hester will always be my daughter.’ Though I won’t always be his wife, Laura thought bitterly. ‘Katherine has a little flat in Chelsea.

After Christmas, maybe, Hester could come and stay with us. We could take her to the pantomime.’

It was the ‘us’ that did it, the ‘we’. Until then, she’d been in a trance-like state of calm. But Roddy was referring to himself and another woman as ‘us’, when it should have been, she had thought it always would be, Roddy and her.

There was an explosion in her head and she imagined him lying with this other woman, touching her, making love. The vision was too impossible, too improbable, too cruel. She couldn’t accept it, she wouldn’t.

She began to scream, not saying a word, just screaming hysterically, banging the wardrobe with her fists, screaming and screaming.

Roddy leapt out of bed and shook her. ‘Laura, you’ll wake the whole house.’ He led her back to bed.

‘I don’t care if I wake the street.’ She was still screaming. ‘I’m not divorcing you. You told me you would love me for ever, that we were made for each other, that we’d be together our whole lives.’ She paused for breath. ‘We made plans for the future. We were going to have another baby, a little brother for Hester.

Oh,’ she collapsed on the bed, ‘I think I’m going to die.’

There was a soft tap on the door. ‘Laura? Are you all right?’

‘Yes.’ Her voice was muffled in the eiderdown. ‘I was having a nightmare. I’m sorry I woke you, Queenie. Go back to bed, dear.’

‘Laura.’ Roddy sat beside her, stroked her neck. ‘Darling, please don’t take it so badly. Somehow, I thought perhaps we’d grown apart, that you wouldn’t mind all that much.’

‘I think of you every minute of every day,’ she sobbed. ‘At the dance tonight, I said to Ben how much I wanted you to be there. I told him I’d never go to another dance unless it was with you.’ She remembered the fuss he’d made when she came home and suddenly felt angry. ‘How dare you suggest we were having an affair, Ben and I, considering what you’ve been up to. You’re a hypocrite, Roddy.’

‘I was half hoping you were having an affair,’ he said ruefully. ‘It would have made everything so much easier, yet I felt genuinely upset at the idea of you sleeping with another man.’

‘That’s because you’re a hypocrite.’

‘You’re right.’ He turned her over and began to kiss her face, her lips, her ears. ‘I think I’ll always love you, Lo,’ he murmured.

Desire, hot and fiery, shot through her like a bolt of lightning. She put her arms around his neck and held him fiercely, pressing against him. If she reminded him what it was like when they made love, perhaps he’d stay, forget about Katherine. She began to touch him with hot, eager hands. And he responded, entered her, and they made love with a passion that was almost desperate in its intensity, at least on her part.

Roddy collapsed back on the bed, gasping. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

And Laura realised that she’d failed. He didn’t love her enough.

He stayed for three days and offered to sleep on the sofa, but she said someone would notice and think it very odd. She didn’t want people knowing, particularly Hester, that he was leaving and never coming back, not until she was ready to tell them.

They lay in bed with their backs to each other, as far away as they could. But Laura found it impossible to sleep. In the end it was her who ended up on the sofa when everyone had settled down and the house was silent, getting up very early before anyone woke. She didn’t cry. She felt too cold, frozen. The tears that fell would have been tears of ice. She pretended that nothing had happened.

Roddy was being tremendously kind, very gentle and sympathetic, which she hated.

She found it helped to be aggressive, but only when there was no one else there, throw his kindness back in his face, otherwise she might have pleaded with him to stay, grovelled. She positively refused to give him a divorce. ‘You’ll just have to live with Katherine the way you lived with me.’

And there wasn’t a chance of Hester going to London after Christmas, she told him bluntly. ‘Perhaps another Christmas. That’s if she wants to.’

‘I suppose you’ll make sure she won’t.’

‘That’s a horrible thing to say. In good time, I’ll tell her what’s happened and she can make up her own mind. I’ve no intention of trying to turn her against you.’