Queen of Lost Stars (Dragonblade Series/House of St. Hever) (8 page)

Dolwyd snorted at the expression on Kaspian’s face. “Milk, good knight,” he said. “You have been fed milk. It is the best thing for you in your condition.”

Kaspian didn’t know what to say. He still wasn’t over the part where Cairn’s widow had been feeding him… milk from her
breasts
? Shocked, he turned to look at Lady l’Ebreux and suddenly, a host of murky memories collapsed around him. He thought he had been having erotic dreams of making love to a woman, nursing against her breasts, but it was coming to occur to him that perhaps those weren’t dreams at all.

Somehow, his subconscious mind had been feeding him these memories of things he had done, of what had occurred when he had been in a delirious state, and now he found himself looking at Lady l’Ebreux and thinking very naughty thoughts. Was it really true?

Had he really been suckling milk from her beautiful breasts all this time… and loving it?

He cleared his throat softly, unsure and embarrassed, noticing that Lady l’Ebreux wasn’t looking at him, either. Perhaps she was as embarrassed as he was about it. But on the other hand, she’d given him some of the more pleasurable erotic dreams he’d ever had. She was a beautiful woman, after all… stunningly so. He’d always thought that. And she was a widow, which meant she had no husband. She was unattached. And so was he. So there really wasn’t anything wrong with what she had been doing other than the fact that it was highly improper from a social standpoint. And, more than likely, from a religious one, too.

But the fact remained that she had selflessly given of herself to him, a man who had barely spoken ten words to her in the two years they had been acquainted. She had fed him the nourishment meant for the son she had so badly wanted. He’d never heard of such a sacrifice. Now, he was starting to feel rather guilty for his lack of regard for her all of this time. It hadn’t been deliberate…
or had it
?

Gazing at the woman, he wasn’t entirely sure that his ignorance of her hadn’t been deliberate. She was so beautiful that he knew he was attracted to her, so his lack of attention towards her was probably to keep him from thinking about her. She was, after all, Cairn’s wife. He would never violate that trust. But the truth was that she wasn’t Cairn’s wife any longer. That was over with, a barrier removed. That being the case, he wasn’t sure he could stop his interest now.

Remembering the warmth and sexual satisfaction over the past several days, he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to stop anything. Out of respect for Cairn, he knew he needed to give the woman time to grieve and he fully intended to do so. But after that… he couldn’t make any promises about his attention towards her.

Caddish thoughts, but he couldn’t help it.

“Lady l’Ebreux,” he said in his deep, husky voice. “I believe gratitude is in order. What you have done for me… it is quite selfless. I do not know if I can ever thank you.”

Madelayne had been gazing off into the room, perhaps too embarrassed to look at Kaspian when he realized what she had been doing for him. As if it was a dirty secret they shared. When he spoke softly, in a tone that sent shivers up her spine, she turned to look at him.

“It was no trouble,” she said, smiling weakly. “It is what Cairn would have wanted.”

Kaspian’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “He would have wanted me to… you to…?”

He was motioning in the general direction of her chest and her smile turned genuine. “He would have wanted me to assist you in any way I could,” she said, giggling when he rolled his eyes as he realized what she meant. “Cairn always thought quite highly of you, my lord. He would have wanted me to help you.”

Kaspian gazed up at her, a faint smile on his lips. “His generosity is beyond measure,” he said quietly. “As is yours. You have my thanks.”

The gratitude was genuine and Madelayne flushed, looking away again because the expression on his face was more than gratitude; there was something warm there as well. She felt quite hot and bothered by it, but the truth was that she had spent the past five days with the man suckling at her breasts and she had come to look forward to it. He may have been delirious, but there was an innate sense in him that cuddled up to her every time she fed him, his powerful arms going about her and his heated mouth on her nipples. It had been cozy and intimate.

He would lick her, too, lapping at her nipples to harden them so he could feed. It was so incredibly personal that she was now coming to have trouble separating her duty from her want. Twice, in fact, his suckling had caused her to climax without him so much as touching the dark curls between her legs. His suckling had so highly aroused her that her sensitive body had responded in kind. Even thinking about him suckling on her made her feel warm and giddy, wanting that heady human contact. God’s Bones, it was wrong. It was so very wrong and she knew it. But she was coming to crave it nonetheless.

Upon the heels of those thoughts came the guilt she’d been wrestling with for five days as well, guilt over Cairn’s death. She felt horrible that she was experiencing excitement with another man so soon after Cairn’s death, even if that excitement was in the course of her attempts to help the man. She felt disrespectful to Cairn’s memory, tortured by her sexual response to St. Hèver’s mouth upon her breasts, but the fact of the matter was that Cairn never gave her such excitement. She had been fond of him, as one would be fond of a friend, but there had never been anything more than that. She’d never loved him. He’d never given her the sensations that St. Hèver had.

Still, she had to mourn the man. She couldn’t simply sully his memory by thinking lustful thoughts of another man, and her duty to Cairn, at the moment, was very strong even if her body felt no such loyalty. Therefore, she found herself in a torn and terrible position.

“St. Hèver,” Dolwyd said, breaking whatever the spell of silence between Madelayne and Kaspian held. “If you can take some nourishment now, do it. I must give you more rotten tea and it goes down easier if there is something already in your belly.”

Kaspian simply nodded, looking to Madelayne almost apologetically. She forced a wan smile. “You and I have been doing this for the better part of a week,” she said. “You were simply unaware. If it helps to close your eyes so you cannot see me, then close them.”

He frowned. “Why would I not want to see you?” he said. “Although I will admit this feels a bit… strange.”

Madelayne nodded in understanding. “I have had five days to overcome the strangeness,” she said. “You have not. I simply tell myself that Cairn would have wanted this and it is much easier for me to do my duty. Mayhap if you think the same thing, it will go easier for you as well.”

He wasn’t sure what to say to her. She was speaking as if this were a very reluctant chore, which he took as an insult. He knew he shouldn’t feel that way, but he couldn’t help it. He could see that she didn’t feel nearly the same attraction to this duty that he did so he was coming to think that perhaps she had something against him personally.
She is in mourning
, he told himself. Of course she would think this distasteful.

So he closed his eyes and lay there, listening to her fumble with the top of her shift. Something warm and sweet was put to his lips and he immediately latched on, suckling firmly, drawing out her sweet liquid. He couldn’t help the hand that lifted, going to her breast, squeezing and kneading it. God’s Bones, it was the most wonderful sensation in the world, and she was sweet and soft beneath his calloused hand. He could feel himself becoming aroused.

Is she trembling
? He swore he could feel her quiver and it fed the lust he was trying so hard to keep at bay. He squeezed harder, putting the palm of his hand against her other breast, through the material, and rubbing at it. He could hear her gasp as that nipple, stimulated, began to leak milk and with his eyes still closed, he yanked that portion of her shift off of her right shoulder, exposing the right breast, and he began to suckle back and forth between the two.

Caught up in the maelstrom, Madelayne braced herself against his shoulders as he suckled from both breasts. He was creating such a fire within her that it was an extreme test of her willpower not to give in to his power. Back by the table, Dolwyd said something about retrieving more medicines from his chamber and she heard the door shut behind him, but her mind was in such a state that she really didn’t hear what he said. She was singularly focused on Kaspian as he drained her breasts and trying very hard not to climax. But it was a monumental struggle. At one point, he suckled her hard enough to cause her to gasp. He froze.

“Did I hurt you?” he asked huskily.

Madelayne was startled by the sound of his voice, as if reminding her that he was conscious and aware. She’d gone the past five days in a fantasy world where only she was aware of the intimacy of their act.

“A little,” she admitted. “They are rather tender”

They
, as in her breasts. Kaspian immediately took his hands away from her. “I apologize,” he said. “I… I believe I have had enough. Thank you, my lady.”

Quickly, Madelayne covered herself up and climbed out of the bed, keeping her back turned to him as he watched. Kaspian’s gaze trailed down her torso, thinking of the curves and sweet skin the fabric covered up and feeling like a monster for thinking such thoughts.

“Mayhap we should speak on a few things now that I am coherent,” he said to her. “It seems that quite a bit has happened since I was rendered unconscious.”

Madelayne finished tying up the top of her shift and pulled her robe over her body, covering herself up, as she turned to him.

“Aye,” she said honestly. “A good deal has.”

He shifted on the bed, realizing he was very sore from having lain in one position for some time. He tried to find a comfortable spot.

“First,” he said. “Who returned from Beeston? Where are my knights?”

Madelayne thought on the question as she went to sit on a stool next to the table. “Thomas, Reece, and Ewan returned,” she said. “Thomas has been in command but it is my understanding that he sent a missive to the king to inform him of your injuries and Cairn’s passing.”

Kaspian thought on that. “Good,” he said. “When I am finished with you, I shall want to speak with Thomas. You will send him to me.”

“Aye, my lord.”

He looked at her for a moment, thinking many different things. Mostly, he was focusing on Madelayne and her situation. For Cairn’s sake, he needed to be concerned with the widow.

“Let us discuss you,” he said. “Please let me once again express my sorrow at Cairn’s passing. I do not have many friends but I considered Cairn one. His death leaves me greatly saddened.”

Madelayne looked to her hands, fidgeting. “As it leaves me.”

“And the passing of your child,” he said quietly. “Quite terrible.”

“Aye, my lord.”

His gaze lingered on her lowered head. “What do you intend to do now?” he asked. “With Cairn gone, surely you have plans.”

Her head came back up to look at him. “Plans?” she repeated, somewhat confused. “I do not know what you mean.”

“What will you do now? Where will you go?”

Madelayne had no idea. “I… I do not know,” she said. “I had not thought on it. I have no family other than my father and he was more than happy to be rid of me when Cairn and I married. I have not spoken with him in two years. But… but I suppose I should return to him. There is no need for me to remain at Lavister. Surely you do not want a widowed woman hanging about.”

Kaspian realized that he didn’t like the idea of her leaving. “You and Lady Allington-More have been my chatelaines for the past few years,” he said. “Lavister is very well run thanks to the two of you. I would not want to lose that efficiency.”

Madelayne cocked her head curiously at his attitude. “But I cannot remain,” she said. “I have no husband here; it would not be right. Mavia is more than able to assume the duties herself. You do not need me.”

He shook his head, faintly. “That is where you are wrong,” he said. “You are far more efficient than Mavia is and if it is a choice between the two of you, I should choose you. Besides, it would be uncharitable for me to insist you leave Lavister after all of the loss you have suffered and I do not wish to be uncharitable. ’Tis a cruel fact that a widowed woman such as yourself will face a bleak outlook on your life without a husband to take care of you.”

He may have been trying to convince her that remaining at Lavister as the chatelaine was the best course of action, but he was only succeeding in making her feel worse about the entire circumstance. She had been feeling enough self-pity about her situation without him being so brutally frank about it.

“As I said, I can return to my father,” she said, embarrassed that he was making it clear that he viewed her as a charity case. “I worked with him before and I can do it again. You need not keep me at Lavister simply because you feel as if you should.”

Kaspian wasn’t catching on to the fact that he had insulted her. He had never been very good with women in that sense. “As I said, you are efficient as chatelaine and that is why I would ask you to remain,” he said. “Surely you would rather remain here with people that you know. And Mavia is your friend, so surely you do not want to leave her.”

Madelayne shrugged. “I do not, but that does not change the fact that with my husband dead, it simply would not be right for me to remain here alone.”

“Then I will insist you stay.”

She looked at him pointedly. “My lord, I do not need your charity,” she said frankly. “I will return to my father and you do not have to worry about me telling others that you turned me out. I would say no such thing.”

He was finally coming to see what she thought of the conversation and of him, as if he were asking her to stay purely out of pity. He hastened to assure her that was not the case. “You would be doing me a favor by remaining,” he said. “You will become my ward and everything will be proper. Or do you wish to return to your father so much?”

She shook her head hesitantly. “I do not, my lord, but….”

He cut her off. “Kaspian.”