Queen (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (112 page)

“Regina… um… did you see all of our new clients?” Fate shyly broaches a sore subject.

“Yup, just call me Queen of the deviants.” While we lose renowned companies, we’re picked up a huge following. I’m leery of the pornography companies. Basically if it’s sexual, criminal, or twisted, we’re drawing them like flies. Yeah, I want to spend money that was earned by fucking on camera at my company called Empowerment, and donate it to outreach programs that are designed to get people away from those negative choices. I’ve been waving goodbye to the hardcore companies, they give Empowerment a bad name and makes us a shitty role model.

“I need to tell you something, Fate. It’s important.”

“Does Kristal know?” She asks o
ut of curiosity, not jealousy.

“I told her while you were sleeping last night. She’s so nosy I
had to do it quick,” I tease. 

“Oh, okay… What is i
t?”

“I want you to meet Jamie,” I say stiffly.

“Sure,” she says happily.

“What you see here doesn’t leave here. He doesn’t exist. Promise on Syn’s life,” I demand.

“Master?” She slips into the submissive role the moment my tone changes to Queen’s. “I swear on my sister’s life that I will not tell a soul.” Her voice quivers because she instinctually knows that this is important.

If we have to live here, then she must meet him face-to-face. I can’t force Jamie to stay in his room until we leave- whenever we leave. I have a feeling we’ll be here until Whitt’s twenty-fourth birthday. In a few months we will descend on Whittenhower Estates, and seize it as our own.

I find Jamie sitting on the bottom step in the foyer. He looks unsure and it stills my heart.

“What’s wrong?” Softly flows from my lips.

Nervous, I haven’t seen her since that night.

Guilt flashes across his face followed by remorse. I take his warm hand in mine and give a squeeze. We both take a deep breath and walk into the living room where I’d left Fate.
I say nothing, no introductions. I step to the side to show Fate the smaller man who stands behind me and she keels over-
clump
!

“Fate,” I say in a panic. “Angel, wake up.” I pull her into my lap and pat her cheeks.
“Grant,” she says sluggishly. “Am I dreaming?”

“I’m sorry I kept this from you,” my voice wavers in guilt and re
morse. “I wasn’t by my choice.”

“Is he real,” she mumbles and scrunches up her tiny face as tears stream in a torrent down her cheeks.

“Jamie, touch her, please,” I beg.

My words unfreeze the father of my children from his post in the entryway. He swiftly walks over and brushes Fate’s tears away with a fingertip. He smiles at her shyly, unsure of his appearance and lack of voice.

Tell her it’s me, and to call me Jamie. Grant is dead.
He nods his head for me to translate.

“It’s him. He wants me to tell you to call him Jamie. The man you knew died that night,” I breathe to Fate.
Her blue eyes enlarge impossibly wide as she looks him over. A beatific smile spreads across her face causing my breath to hitch. I’ve never seen that look on her face. It’s the look that Marcus and I were discussing a few nights ago.

“Jesus, how did I not know that?” I whimper. I run a hand throu
gh my hair, and abruptly stand.

“I’ll give you a moment to reacquaint yourselve
s,” I mutter from stiff lips. 

I run from the room. I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry. I’m a shitty fucking friend. I’d never noticed. I thought her grief had been mine. I’m slammed with another thought that torments me: Did Grant feel it too. Did he want Fate back?

Old insecurities erupt and yank me under, as I stalk the second floor of the Brownstone. Last night I’d slept in Jamie’s bed because Marcus went back to his family. The girls slept in Roman’s room and he took the couch. I can’t share a bed with him ever again. The truth is torturous.

The woman I am returns with a vengeance. Emotions are for pussies. I find other accommodations for all of us. Kris and Fate will go to Syn’s house. I can’t tuck my tail between my legs and run back to the Estates, not until it’s ours. I want to be with my family, but not at the expense of my sanity. There are just too man
y emotions roiling through me.

I call Syn and tell her the girls will meet her at her apartment. I expected her to be upset, but she sounded happy for the company. Basically, if she doesn’t growl at you, she’s happy.
I pack my bags and decide the only place I can go is to the heart of the problem. I’ll stay in my room at Restraint. I bundle up Empowerment’s paperwork, but it will take a few trips. I’ll use my office at the club.

An hour later I find Fate staring at Jamie in awe as he tries to communicate with her on his cellphone. I was going to tell her that we’re leaving, but I can’t break into their moment. I’m being a coward. I’ll have Kris get her after she’s done training for the night.

Chapter Forty-Four

“What are you doing here?” Marc’s smoldering voice flows to me from my office doorway.

“I had some work to finish up before I went to bed,” I guiltily reply without looking up. I should have just said
I’m running like a fucking coward!

“Hmm…” He murmurs knowing damn well that I’m lying. “I had fun tracking you down. When Syn showed up to pack up your ladies and take them home I realized you wouldn’t be coming to the Brownstone. I asked Fate where you went and she said she hadn’t seen you since you introduced her and Jamie.”
He arches a brow in question.

“I thought it’d be easier to work from my office. I promised Fate I’d never take her into the club, and this is on the club’s side
of Restraint,” I offer lamely.

“Uh-huh… Right,” he pins me with his stare. “It’s six in the morning, so when exac
tly did you plan on sleeping?”

“Why are you st
ill up?” I volley back at him.

“I planned on joining you. When I had to ride around the city looking for you because you phone is shut off…we
ll, that takes a lot of time.”

“Sorry,” I say sheepishly.

“Cut the shit, Regina. What happened?” He stalks over to me and gets into my personal space.

“I introduced Fate to Jamie, and then it was time to leave. The Brownstone wasn’t a good idea,” I mumble. 

“Why? What happened?” He sits on the edge of my desk making sure his face is all I can see.

“She fainted. She looked like she saw a ghost, and when he touched her to prove that he was real she gazed at him like he was divine. It was another of
those reality versus fantasy moments. My past was skewed from reality. Every now and then I get a kick to the ass from reality, and it’d agony. It hurt, so I ran.”

I open up to Marc in a way I’ve never opened up to anyone. He’s earned my trust and I realize we need each other to shoulder our weight.

“I had this stupid school-girl, romantic fantasy of what Grant and I had in the past. It was him and I, in love and against the world. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been kicked by reality so much that I’ve finally lost count. The day he told me that the sight of me sickened him, that he never wanted me, was one of the biggest flashes of reality. When I realized he killed himself to get away from me… Tonight I saw the look on Fate’s face and…”
“Regina,” Marc says softly and wipes the tears from my cheeks. I hadn’t even known I was crying.

“She loves him, really loves him. I was a horrible friend. I didn’t know. I was so far into my selfish grief that I didn’t know she needed me. I was selfish in being with Grant in the first place. I should have stayed on the street. It would have eliminated a lot of problems. I’m a pestilence,” spews unbidden from my lips. I cover my face with my palms to escape his perceptive, penetrating gaze.

“When I was hitting him, it was like hitting myself. We were beating the shit out of each other because we couldn’t hurt ourselves. I hate him some times, and I really hate him right now. He gave that fond expression right back at her, and I could tell he was trying to hide it. Jesus, Marc, five years of my life was a shared lie. He pretended to care for me and our children, and that isn’t something that goes away or easily forgiven. I didn’t run from you because I wanted you to chase me, I ran for your own good. Why the fuck would you want me. I’m nothing. I’ve never been anything,” I whimper and choke on a sob.

“Regina,” Marcus says wi
th a voice heavy with emotion.

“The difference between me and Grant… Jamie, whatever… is that our life wasn’t a lie for me. I loved him. I really fucking loved him. It nearly killed me- left me broken with grief, and it was all a lie. I ran from you because how am I ever to know what is reality if I don’t know until after I’ve already lived it.”

We’re quiet for a few moments while he tries to formulate a reply. His hands run up and down my arms and shoulders trying to warm me with friction and comfort.

“I don’t know what he said to you, Regina, because neither of you have spoken of the exact words. I tried to watch it on the recordings but he’d deleted those moments. What I can tell you
is what I’ve experienced, my firsthand knowledge of events. He loved you and still does. He wanted you as much as I did. After you met him, Grant and I fought. He kept what Daniel was doing to you until after you’d moved to the Estates. He knew I wouldn’t have abided by it, and wouldn’t have allowed it to happen. I didn’t talk to him for six months after I found out. After that our interactions were limited on how to protect you. He didn’t tell me everything, but I know you’re wondering if he was secretly in love with Fate all that time. No, he wasn’t. You were his life; but as you’ve figured out, his selfishness is his greatest love. He wanted solitude and his muse; everything was tied for second place. None of this is about you, Regina. My love doesn’t have a thing to do with that fucked up bastard. I thank you for sharing with me,” he says softly and caresses my face.

“Afterwards he was a mess. His fear, shame, and guilt caused nightmares, and he’d wake up silently screaming for you.” I wince and a sob breaks free from my throat. He rubs my neck in apology.

“I’m not saying this to hurt you. I need you to recognize that this reality bullshit you have in your head isn’t reality. I saw you and Grant together, and I saw the love and affection. I felt his loss as he dealt with living without you all. He asked me constantly of everyone’s wellbeing. Perhaps Fate did love Grant in her own way, but he’s not Grant anymore. It’s possible, since she never found someone that she cared for, but Jamie isn’t who he was. That means you can’t love him the way you loved Grant- you just can’t,” he presses.

“I don’t want him. It’s not that. It makes me doubt everything I’ve ever felt about everyone- the motives and emotions,” I weakly mutter. 

“Regina, you have to trust and have faith. If it was a lie, it’s not the end of the world,” he tries for comfort but it makes me wince.

“I’ve felt the pain, Marcus. I’d do anything in my power never feel it again, even
if it means feeling nothing.”

“You’re incapable of feeling nothing. Even when you were numb, you felt everything for those in your lives. What he did to you wasn’t about you, and he will regret it until the day he dies, maybe even in the ever after. The night you were with Whitt for the first time… It was heart wrenching. I didn’t tell you this because I didn’t want to hurt you, but you had us all misty-eyed. We all left you alone because we wondered if Whitt was your true partner and you his. I think Jamie let you go in the only way he knew how, by pushing you away with hateful words that would wound. I gave you space, and when I found out you didn’t need it, I came back. Too bad you made me work my ass off for two years for you to hear me out.” He smiles brilliantly at me and yanks me to my feet.

“No Brownstone?” He asks and I nod in agreement. “I think that’s for the best, too. There is too much history and pain. Someday we’ll all be a big happy family, but not yet. We need a bit more bloodshed,” he smirks.

“I actually had an orgasm the first time I punched him in the face,” I admit without
shame. “It’s sick, but true.”

“I’ll never repeat this again,” he chuckles. “My best friend and I have come to blows many a time. He’s a wiry, quick bastard with a mean right-hook. After he was reborn I laid off. When you came back to us, we’ve fought a few times too.”

“What was your first fight about?” I ask intrigued.

“I didn’t find out where you were until he came to visit me and said you were pregnant. I hit him in a way that wouldn’t leave a mark, but he bruised the shit out of me, though,” he heartily laughs. “Yeah, kicking his ass is orgasmic- rat-bastard.”

“Loveable rat-bastard,” I agree.

“It’s like kicking
a puppy,” Marc snickers.

“OH MY GOD!
  I always thought of him as a puppy. A purebred puppy that you just couldn’t get away from,” I giggle.

“Bedtime, my love, you can sleep in my room until we storm the Castle.” His voice is amused as he drags me through the empty club, the dungeon, and down the long hallway to the Zeitler room.