Quantum (31 page)

“I don’t know if I can repair the artery until I open him up. But I’m going to try. And even if I do, the next twenty-four hours are going to be critical. He’s a long way from being safe yet. I’m sorry. I really need to go.”

She stepped back as Prescott dashed through the doors, leaving her standing alone in the corridor.

Oh god.
What if they couldn’t save him? What if he still died?

Her mind couldn’t see past
now
, like her future was one giant black hole with nothing in it. Somehow, she managed to find her way to the nearby empty waiting room and dropped numbly into a chair as time slipped into a vortex where it simply didn’t exist any longer.

God, she was such an idiot. Had she really pushed him away, this man she loved more than anyone else in her entire life?

Maybe at the very beginning, her evasiveness had been justified—she hadn’t wanted to hurt him with the truth and hadn’t seen any possible way they could be together. She’d thought there was no point in even trying.

But by the time they’d stowed away on the
Ebony Winter
she should have seen Zander couldn’t go back to his old life, just like she couldn’t. She should have told him everything herself, taken time to explain before they’d reached Rian and everything had come out in the worst possible light.

If she was going to survive in this universe as an outcast from the organization that had once defined her very life, she needed Zander. Not just to stand with her, but to hold her up when things got too hard. With the notion of losing him a very real possibility, knowing she couldn’t live without him cut deep, an indescribably painful and desperate realization.

She couldn’t have said how much time passed as she frantically hung onto the belief that he’d survive, the words spinning in her mind like a mantra. But soft-booted footsteps at last caught her attention, and she looked up to see Dr. Prescott approaching her. She shot to her feet so fast that she almost went down again with dizziness from the fear and sitting still for so long.

Prescott put a steadying hand on her shoulder, his expression grim and worn.

“He survived the surgery, and the artery repair is holding. For now. He’s a fighter, but he’s got some way to go before he’ll be in the clear. We’ve put him in an induced coma. If he makes it through the next twenty-four hours, I’m confident he’ll make a full recovery.”

She nodded, the movement automatic and jerky. “Can I see him?”

“Of course, but only for a few minutes. I’ll send someone to escort you.”

The doctor started to step away, but she caught his sleeve. “Thank you.”

“I did what anyone would have. There isn’t a single person on this ship who wouldn’t give their life for Graydon. Because we all know he’d do the same for any of us, right down to the lowest-ranking civ.”

Prescott walked away as another doctor approached and motioned for her to follow.

There weren’t many men in the universe like Zander Graydon. And she couldn’t imagine a universe without him.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Rian slammed through the door to his quarters and strode across the office, headed for his drinks compartment. He couldn’t remember ever being so goddamn relieved to see his ship as when it had docked on the
Swift Brion
alongside the
Ebony Winter
.

The bottle of Violaine he pulled out was three-quarters empty, and he cursed as he twisted off the lid and then sucked down the contents, not pausing for a breath until he’d downed every last drop of the hard liquor.

His hand shook as he lowered his fist to stare at the empty bottle. Yeah, he was going to need another one of those. A tremor rocked him. Sickening, oily darkness raked poisoned claws through him. He’d let the demon inside him take too much, and he’d almost killed his oldest friend.

It’d been a long time since he’d waded through a battle like that. With every step he’d taken, every person he’d shot—Reidar or not—the darkness had called for more. He’d relished in the freedom of it, of being exactly who he was meant to be—a soulless, callous killer, taking life and gaining dark pleasure.

He blew out a hard, ragged breath, his body blooming in cold sweat and shaking like he was coming down from a bad trip. His blood boiled with shadows in his veins, the demon howling for more destruction.

Violaine. Oblivion. Escape.

There was no other way to control the darkness when it took him this far.

A whisper tickled over the back of his neck. Ella stood in the hatchway.

Oh, hell no.
Not now. He couldn’t take it.

“Go away.” The words came out at not much more than a growl.

Her chin tipped up. “No, not when you’re in this much turmoil.”

“I said,
go away
!” He hurled the empty bottle and it hit the doorframe, shattering into a million pieces and showering Ella with glass. But she didn’t flinch, her mossy-hazel gaze locked on him.

Her unwavering stance only made the frustration roar higher and something snapped, sending him stalking toward her. Still, she didn’t move, her calm expression not shifting, even when he grabbed her upper arm in a bruising hold and jerked her into the room.

“I told you what would happen the next time you came looking for me.”

He slammed her into the wall next to the door and surged up against her. Usually touching her brought a measure of warmth into his perpetually cold body, but it was as though he’d been dosed up with a waking anesthetic and couldn’t feel anything.

Instead of cowering, or begging for him to let her go, or giving in to tears, Ella stared at him, a hint of something hot and fierce burning in her gaze. She reached up and grabbed a handful of his hair, yanking his head back.

“So do it, Rian. You keep trying to intimidate me into submission but never seem willing to go through with your threats.”

Surprise ricocheted through him, throwing him totally off kilter and clearing his head for an all too brief moment.

Did she want him to let it all go, give the darkness free rein? Because the things he’d do to her—

He sucked in a sharp breath, darkly sensual images bombarding his mind. He swallowed a groan and pressed harder against her, his body going into sensorial overload.

“Rian, what the hell are you doing?”

Making his muscles work was suddenly like slogging through heavy gravity, but he forced his head to turn away from Ella and glanced to where Tannin and Zahli stared at him with similar expressions of alarm.

“Let her go, Rian.” Zahli started to come forward, but Tannin grabbed her arm and held her back.

“No.” Rian’s voice came out hoarse. For some reason, his mind didn’t seem to be in contact with his mouth, as though someone else was talking for him. “She keeps pushing me, so I’m going to give her exactly what she’s asking for.”

Zahli’s eyes widened, and her jaw dropped. “I’m going to get Callan and Jensen. Tannin, make sure he doesn’t do anything until I get back.”

As Zahli left the room at a run, Rian forced out a harsh laugh. “You want to watch, Everette? I didn’t realize you were into that kind of thing, brother.”

Fury flashed across Tannin’s face, but he clenched his jaw, not taking the bait.

Ella shifted closer to him, capturing his full attention like a sun burning through the dark emptiness of space as her mouth brushed his ear.

“You better get control of yourself, Rian, or I’m going to do it for you. And believe me, I won’t be gentle about it.” Her quiet words sent powerful reverberations through him.

“Oh, really?” He gave another short laugh then leaned in, inhaling the sweet jasmine scent of her skin until his head spun. “I don’t like it gentle, so do your worst.”

Ella rolled her eyes, still not seeming the least bit afraid of him. “If you actually thought for a minute that I was going to take you up on that offer, you wouldn’t be able to run from this room fast enough. That’s your deepest fear, isn’t it, Rian? Letting someone in, allowing yourself to be that vulnerable for even a moment of time?”

Anger whipped through him, sharp and bitter. “I’m not afraid of anything, least of all some panty-tied princess like you.”

A hint of fury flashed in her eyes. She reached up and clamped both hands on either side of his neck, just below his jawline.
Frecking christ.
She’d tried this on him once before, no way was he going to stand here and—

His vision whitewashed like someone had pointed a blinding light right into his eyes. A jagged lightning strike of energy ruptured through him, and he buckled to his knees, Ella still holding him.

He sucked in a cutting breath as another overwhelming sensation chased the electric burst—something warm mixed with pure ecstasy. He closed a hand around Ella’s arm, not sure if he wanted to shove her away or yank her closer.

The buzz kept going until he wanted to drown in the sensation, or maybe escape his own skin. Either way, he couldn’t last in this—it felt too good, lighting him up and burning away every little shred of darkness inside him.

Finally, she let him go, and he collapsed in a boneless heap, scrabbling for consciousness.

“What the hell did you do to him?” Tannin asked, his voice unsteady.

“I only gave him the same thing he threatened me with,” Ella replied in her always calm voice.

Rian wanted to laugh at the irony of that, because he was pretty sure he couldn’t have given Ella even a quarter of what she’d just blasted him with. But he had no fight left in him, and satiated exhaustion dragged him into the oblivion he’d been seeking.

Chapter Thirty

Expression blank, Rian stopped next to Mae while the last of the
Swift Brion
’s crew were cleared by the Reidar stunners. It’d taken two days because of the guns’ limited power packs, but once people had been shown proof of the creatures lurking among them, they’d been all too happy to cooperate.

Fortunately, they’d only found one more Reidar, a woman who was in charge of the research team who also ran the onboard labs. She’d tried to escape, and when she’d been captured had fought back with superhuman strength until Torres had taken her down with a sustained burst from a plasma rifle.

The two days since the initial offensive had dragged. Zander had remained in the induced coma for the past forty-eight hours while his body recovered from the stress of almost dying, and she’d spent as much time with him as she could, barely sleeping herself. They were going to wake him soon, and she planned on being the first thing he saw when he came around.

So, she supposed she didn’t need to hate Rian after all, but she was still pissed at him. And it hadn’t helped that he’d clocked out, apparently going on a bender that had put him down for twenty-four hours after he’d gotten back onboard the
Imojenna
. It should have made her angrier at him but instead had reminded her of the condition he’d been in when she’d first found him all those years ago. The demons inside him rode him hard most days, and it was unfortunate that sometimes those closest to him suffered for it.

“So this is the last of them?” Rian glanced at her, no hint of wariness or uncertainty, as though the whole almost-killing-Zander thing hadn’t happened.

“Yeah, this is it. It’s going smoothly.” She nodded as a couple of the crew passed them, free to get back to duties now they had been cleared.

“Then why did Qae call me down here?”

“We’ve got a special case.” She motioned for him to follow her, and they walked to the far end of the almost-empty storage area, where a stack of crates had created a sectioned-off corner.

The guy who’d reacted to the stunner sat with his hands and feet tied, head tilted against the bulkhead behind him, and blood trickling from his nose. Forster stood two steps away from him, Reidar stunner in hand.

“Ah, Rian.” Forster glanced at them as they stopped beside him. “You’re just in time. This scum bastard here was just about to tell me how he’s resisting the stunner. And then he’s going to change into his true form and settle into his new quarters in the brig of the
Imojenna
so we can all get to know one another.”

“I told you.” The guy’s voice was hoarse, and he paused for a moment to swallow. “I’m not one of those things. I never even knew about them until two days ago when you stormed this ship.”

Forster laughed, though the sound was a little exaggerated. “By the saints’ holy balls, you crack me up, dickwad. You mind if I call you dickwad? Or maybe you’d prefer alien scum-licker.”

The guy glanced away, his expression defiant, but his movements were slow and weary.

Unease churned through her. What if he was telling the truth? What if he really wasn’t Reidar? He certainly didn’t seem to have the constitution of one.

“When was the last time he had anything to drink?”

Rian and Forster both looked at her as though she was a few stars short of a galaxy. She sighed and grabbed a nearby half-empty bottle of water.

“Hey, that’s mine,” Forster protested, lowering the gun as she stepped into his line of fire. “Who cares if the alien is a little thirsty?”

“And you’re a moron, just like I thought when we first met. What good will it do if he dies from dehydration before we can work out what’s going on with him?”

She turned her back on Forster’s scowl while Rian still kept a detached expression on his face, like he didn’t care either way. She knelt down in front of the prisoner and held the bottle up to his lips.

His light blue gaze lit with gratitude as he gulped down the fluid. After a moment, she lowered the bottle, and he sighed.

“Thanks. I really needed that,” he murmured as she sat back.

“What’s your name?”

He looked past her to Rian and Forster then returned his attention to her. “My name is Varian Donnelly. I’m a commando with the first-tier AF tact team.”

“The most elite black ops force onboard a flagship,” Rian put in. “It makes sense there’d be a Reidar in their ranks.”

Varian glared. “Yeah, and apparently my commanding officer, Nolan, was it. I have no idea why that stunner knocks me out, but I am
not
some damned shape-shifting alien.”

“Show me.” Rian’s voice was hard, leaving no room for argument.

Mae stood and started to turn toward him. “Is that really necessary?”

Forster shot off a round as soon as she shifted clear. Varian went rigid then collapsed against the bulkhead behind him, near unconscious. She swore as she knelt down to check his pulse. It was racing, but other than that, he showed no other signs of reacting to the energy burst.

“Interesting,” Rian murmured as though they were discussing football plays instead of the fate of a person.

“How many times have you shot him with that thing?” she demanded as she pushed to her feet.

Forster shrugged as he holstered the weapon. “A couple…maybe twenty.”

“
Twenty
is a couple?” Aggravation and incredulity surged through her. “I’m pretty sure if he was really a Reidar, he wouldn’t have been able to hold out after that many shots.”

“Really?” Rian stepped forward and kicked Varian’s booted foot, though the half-unconscious man didn’t react. “And what makes you an expert all of a sudden? We don’t know the extent of how this weapon works, only that it does. How do we know that for some reason, this Reidar can resist whatever element it is that forces the others to change back?”

She glared. “The same could be said for the weapon’s effect on humans. How do we know if, for some reason, this guy just got unlucky and the stunner actually works on him in the way that Chase originally intended?”

“It’s a risk we can’t take.” Rian nodded at Forster, and the two of them walked over to haul Varian up between them.

“What are you going to do with him?”

Rian didn’t bother glancing at her as they dragged Varian past. “Put him in the brig on the
Imojenna
until we can work out for sure either way.”

Mae sighed as the three disappeared out of sight. Part of her felt sorry for Varian, especially if he really was just a human who happened to be that unlucky. But the pragmatic side of her won out. It was strange the weapon could knock him out, and part of her did think the guy was actually a Reidar. But right now, that wasn’t her problem.

She pulled her commpad out of her pocket and checked the time. Just under half an hour until the medics woke Zander—enough time to get up there and settle in beside his bed.

Anxiousness chomped steadily at her calm. The last time she’d been this nervous about something, she’d been a green recruit, fresh out of the academy and shipping off on her first posting. But who could blame her? Zander might have told her he loved her, but they were the words of a man who’d no doubt thought he was about to die. It didn’t negate everything that had happened between them, the way she’d betrayed and hurt him. She didn’t take those last words to mean everything was forgiven, but there were still a few things she wanted to say in return, starting and ending with
sorry
.

She passed the maintenance staff who were cleaning up the storage area after half the
Swift Brion
’s crew had lived here for two days and made her way up through the ship. Already, the evidence of the battle had almost been completely sanitized; the damage to the corridors around the blast doors were the last repairs being made.

Colonel Captain Mack McCarty had taken over running the
Swift Brion
, shutting down all outside communication and sending IPC command some story about Zander being the victim of an onboard accident. So far, neither the crew of the
Imojenna
nor those on
Ebony Winter
had mentioned to Mack or the
Swift Brion
crew the minor fact that once Zander got on his feet, they were planning on stealing the flagship and heading for the Barbary Belt.

Mae took a deep breath as she walked into Zander’s room on the MED level. Already, a number of doctors were present, double-checking all sorts of things before they started bringing their captain admiral out of the coma. Prescott sent her a respectful nod as she took the far seat next to the bed. She returned the gesture and focused on Zander’s relaxed face, looking as though he was just taking a really long nap. Whiskers had thickened over his jaw in the past few days, and his hair had been mussed into definite scruff territory, but he’d never looked more gorgeous.

Some of the doctors left the room, while Prescott stopped by her chair. She’d gotten to know him in the past couple of days, and in the few hours she hadn’t been by Zander’s bedside, Prescott had taken up the post.

“He’ll start waking in a few minutes, so I’ll give you some privacy. If you need anything, just buzz. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes to make sure he’s coming around like he should.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Mae reached forward to clasp Zander’s hand as the chief medical officer left the room, letting the door slide shut behind him.

“What do you think he’d say if he knew I was already half awake?” Zander’s gravelly voice sent shivers skipping over her skin, and she looked up to see his eyelids slowly opening. He blinked a couple of times, then focused on her.

“My guess is he’d tell you that you’re already trying to do too much and should be resting.” Her words came out uneven as her throat tightened. She reached over and grabbed the cup next to his bed, helping him with some water while she tried to stranglehold her emotions into check.

God
, she’d come so close to losing him but hadn’t let herself shed even a tear since the attack. Now, the urge to cry ambushed her with a hard blow, stealing her breath. But the emotion was tinged in happiness, because he was awake, and he was going to be okay.

Of course, Zander tried to push himself up, but before he’d moved much, she jumped up and put herself on the edge of the bed, setting both hands against his shoulders.

“No. Don’t try anything. Just lie there and listen to me.”

He relaxed, sending her a thwarted glare, though the expression didn’t have any heat behind it. “Is this where you tell me not to ever get myself stabbed by an alien again? Because you can save your breath when I tell you I sure as hell don’t plan on repeating that scene.”

“No, this is where I tell you how pissed off I am.”

Confusion creased his brow. “If I’d had to make a guess at your emotions after I got knifed by my evil twin, pissed off wouldn’t have been one of them.”

She shook her head and then slid her hand over his shoulder, up his neck to cup his face. “You think you can just tell me you love me and then check out? Lucky you survived, or I would have been even more pissed off.”

A small grin tugged at his lips as his hand found her hip and then slipped around her waist, tugging her closer with surprising strength. “Oh, I’m sorry. Was there something you wanted to say in return?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’ve got no humility whatsoever?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “I’m a captain admiral. What do I need humility for, when I’ve got others who can take care of it for me?”

She leaned down to press her lips gently to his in a too-brief kiss. “Zander, do you know how much you frightened me? I don’t scare easy, but I was terrified of losing you.”

His fingers curled around the back of her neck, sending shivers cascading down her spine. “Apparently I’m one hard son of a bitch to kill, especially when I’ve got a kick-ass admiral’s assistant at my back.”

“I’m trying to be serious.”

“I know. Sorry.” His hand tightened on her, emotion darkening his soulful brown eyes. “Can I say it again and enjoy it this time, because I’m not about to die?”

She wanted to nod, but her body had frozen with anticipation.

Zander’s hand sifted through her hair, his gaze roaming her face as though he was trying to imprint this moment on his memory.

“I love you, Mae. I’m sorry I was such a jerk about your promise to Rian and the things you kept from me. I don’t care what you think is keeping us apart, I’ll find a way around it, because my life is not worth living without you in it.”

“There’s nothing keeping us apart.” Regret raked hard tines though her. “It was just me being an idiot, but it was like I’d gotten stalled on the notion we couldn’t be together.”

Zander pulled her into his chest, and she went willingly, laying her head on his shoulder and sighing as his strength and warmth seeped into her.

“It doesn’t matter now, because from here on out, nothing will get between us.”

Mae kissed the base of his neck.

“I love you,” she whispered against his skin, kissing her way up to his mouth. “I love you. More than I can ever say,” she murmured against his lips.

“Then show me,” he whispered in return.

She deepened the kiss, sliding her hand into his mussed hair. Pure rapture bloomed in her heart and rushed out through her veins, warming every cell in her body like a sun giving life to a new planet. In that moment, nothing could have been more right.

Zander groaned and broke the kiss. “Enough of that, or when the doctor comes back in here, it’s going to be too damned obvious exactly how I’m feeling right now.”

She grinned. “Do you think they’ll notice if I lock the door?”

A flash of longing crossing his face, Zander glanced at the hatchway in question then returned his attention to her. “Usually, I would think that’s a brilliant suggestion, but I’m assuming the chief of surgery, Joe Prescott, is in charge of my care?”

Clasping her hands in her lap to stop herself from reaching for him, she nodded.

“Then I’m sorry, but I can’t risk it. Prescott can be one cranky son of a bitch. If I get in his bad books, I won’t hear the end of it for the next ten years.”