Quantum (10 page)

He paused, his chest heaving from exhaustion and fact that somehow the air seemed too thin all of a sudden, like there was nothing sustaining his lungs. Reaching up, he pressed a hand into Jaren’s neck again, but still there was nothing, no pulsation of life beneath his fingertips.

Glancing up, he found Petros still crouched in position at the end of the litter next to Jaren’s feet.

“Don’t just sit there, get over here and breathe for him. Now!” He resumed compression, counting through breaths that were too shallow in his lungs. But Petros didn’t move a muscle to help.

Anger overtook him in a tidal wave, and he shoved back from Jaren, reaching over to grab Petros by the arm.

“I gave you a direct order.” His words were hoarse, only a decibel lower than an outright yell.

Petros didn’t seem the least bit intimidated, or like she planned on following through. Instead, she reached up to cover his hand where he held her arm in a bruising grip.

“He’s gone. You can’t do anything else for him now.”

“No!” He wheeled away from her to start compressions again, but when he went to shove down, his arms didn’t lock, muscles failing him, and he half collapsed over the body. “I can’t let him die— His brother. I promised. I can’t—”

An arm curled around his shoulder, but all he could do in that moment was gasp for air, trying to get a handle on the surges within him. Devastating confusion, rage, and fear welled up from the memories of Mikel, holding his chest closed with one arm, grasping for him with the other hand, wrenching a promise out of him that he’d take care of Jaren, while in the background gas grenades brought down entire city blocks.

“Let him go, Zander.” Mae’s voice in his ear was quiet but strong, and he anchored himself onto the words. The next breath he took cleared his lungs, made his head stop spinning, and he pulled himself free of the lieutenant’s hold.

Though he still felt numb all over, he reached for one of the packs, pulling out the same trowel he’d used to bury Nazari that morning.

“If you want to help, then get the other shovel. I don’t need your sympathy.” Why the hell he was saying that, when she was the one who’d pulled him back from the edge, he had no idea. He just knew that for a second there, he’d forgotten to be suspicious of her. Forgotten he needed to keep her at arm’s length. Forgotten he was a captain admiral and people were supposed to rely on him, not the other way around.

He didn’t wait to see how she’d react but took a few steps away from Jaren’s body and stabbed his trowel into the sandy earth of the creek bank.

…

Mae stayed a few steps behind Graydon as they continued along the edge of the stream, happy to keep her own company and not be tempted to look at his stupid, arrogant face or get caught up in those hard, toffee-colored eyes that had started damaging her common sense at some point during the day without her even noticing.

God, had she really
kissed
him? A gale of self-reproach blasted through her chest, filling her with a weird hot-cold flush.

That hadn’t been a simple kiss. It had been like a baptism by raging wildfire, exploding out of control from the tiniest spark. One second she’d been ready to punch him in the face if he didn’t step off being a jerk, and the next she’d been about ready to lose her head when his mouth took hers in an unapologetic incursion of heat and command.

It was bad enough that she’d kissed her supposed commanding officer, a man who didn’t trust her, maybe didn’t even like her. Add to the fact that she didn’t know if he was human, and it made her stomach get all tight. She’d kissed the last man in the entire universe she should have.

Worse, maybe that kiss had been a galactic-size bad move on both their parts, but did he really need to wipe it off after, like he was totally disgusted by it? Yeah, that right there had seriously pissed her off. But whatever. It wasn’t like
he
was the one who’d kissed someone who might not even be human. By all rights, she should have been the one washing out her mouth with disinfectant.

It would have been so easy to hold on to her antagonism toward him for at least the next fifty years—certainly long enough to make it out of this wilderness without getting within touching distance again. But then Jaren had died, and for a moment, she’d truly thought the legendary, hardened, tenacious Zander Graydon was going to fall apart on her. Obviously there was something more to Graydon’s relationship with the young officer. He’d said something about a promise, and presumably the brother he’d mentioned had been Jaren’s.

How was she supposed to continue hanging onto her anger toward him in the face of so much buried pain? If not for the unfortunate turn of events, she never would have guessed that Graydon had that much agony entombed so deeply within him.

Except then he’d reverted right back into an alphahole, ordering her to help him dig Jaren’s grave and throwing her weak moment of comforting him in her face.

She blew out a near-silent sigh, tension heavy in her shoulders and upper back. This had gotten about as screwed up as it possibly could, with no end in sight. And quite possibly, before the two of them managed to get out of this forest, things would get even more messed up, assuming whoever was trying to kill them came back for another attempt. If she wasn’t so exhausted from the futile effort of carrying Jaren all day, she would have taken a leaf out of Graydon’s suggested playbook—cuffed him to a tree and left him in the wilderness while she hiked the rest of the way out and contacted Rian for a pickup. She would have even been magnanimous enough to leave him a knife in case one of those gray bears turned up and got a little too friendly.

The sandy, leaf-littered riverbank they’d been following gave way to large slabs of stone, cracked in some places where steam escaped. Looked like they’d found the hot springs. Fat raindrops had begun plunking to the ground, slow and random, but considering how dark and heavy the clouds appeared, there would be one heck of a storm in the next few hours.

Maybe once she got five minutes to herself and washed the past two days off in the hot tub–like water, she’d be better equipped to deal with the next day or so it would take them to get back to civilization.

Graydon still hadn’t said anything to her, and she silently followed him as he switched directions, heading for a kind of sheer cliff face that shot up out of the ground about a hundred feet from where warm water flowed out of the cracks, down the gently sloping rocks, into a swirling pool that looked like the perfect sheltered place for a dip.

He ducked his head into a wide opening and then ventured into what turned out to be a shallow cave with a sandy floor. Silently, they each checked the far corners for signs of animal habitation, but it looked clear.

Graydon dropped his pack near the mouth. “If we want a fire tonight, we’d better collect some wood before the rain sets in.”

He didn’t wait for her to reply and left the cave.

This time, the sigh she huffed came out long and heavy. So this was how it would be for however long they were stuck together—him treating her with barely any civility whatsoever.

She put down her packs and went out to help him collect some wood. While she made several trips in and out of the cave and stacked an adequate supply, Graydon did his old-fashioned fire-lighting trick again. Once they had a decent blaze going, he pushed to his feet and took the knife out of his belt, checking over the blade.

“I’m going to catch something for dinner. If you’re planning to go into the springs, you might as well take the privacy while I’m gone.”

She wanted to tell him he could go jump in the springs himself, but the urge left her feeling juvenile and petty, so instead she settled on glaring at his back as he left. After a moment, she returned outside, glancing around at the surrounding forest, but she couldn’t see where he’d disappeared to.

She slouched against the nearby rock wall, relaxing her guard for the first time since she’d joined the
Swift Brion
crew and taken that shuttle to pick up Captain Admiral Graydon. The man had her strung out like a zero-G junkie, ratcheting her tension, like no matter what move she made, it would only mire her deeper in this mess.

Chapter Nine

Zander stalked silently through the forest, tracking a fat bird that looked like a less ugly cousin of a turkey. The atmosphere pressed in on him, heavy and silent, a strange kind of unnatural violet twilight that only ever happened when a storm hit at sunset. Large drops of rain fell intermittently, the weather holding off for now as thunder rumbled in the near distance. If he was going to catch anything, he needed to make it quick.

He caught the bird, added a bunny-like animal to his catch, then took both to the stream to clean them. Up here, the water was crisp and cold, having not merged into the hot springs farther downstream.

The reminder of the hot springs brought his traitorous thoughts right back around to the one subject he’d successfully avoided out here alone: Lieutenant Marshal Mae Petros. Although thinking about her was marginally better than contemplating how badly he’d failed both Mikel and Jaren.

Recalling how Jaren had succumbed to his injuries only brought him—with a low-smoldering dose of guilt—to what he’d done in the moments before he’d realized the kid was gone. He fought to keep a tight leash on the thoughts, but they went spinning out of control with only the slightest provocation.

Because that kiss,
damn it
, he couldn’t get it out of his head. Forgetting it happened proved to be an impossibility, probably because he couldn’t shake the post-adrenaline high. Before, his awareness of Petros had been a shadow of primal responsiveness disturbing him when he least expected it; now it was like a sun going supernova—no matter where he looked, he was blinded.

He’d never been one to avoid complication, but he prolonged his return to the cave, light fading as the thunder sounded closer. At last, he came around the far side of the rock formation and headed up the flat slabs leading to the mouth of the cave and noticed the lieutenant facing away from him, down in a protected pool where the warmer water flowed into an inlet before joining the main stream.

He shook his head. Yeah, he’d expected her to take advantage of the hot water, but he hadn’t thought she’d indulge in a long, leisurely soak. As he stepped inside, he stopped short at the sight of her clothes folded in a neat pile near the packs. If all her clothes were here, then…

His pulse sped into hyper-drive.
Not thinking about it.
Except he was, and he had to close his eyes, clenching his fists on a surging wave of driving lust at the idea she was a mere few feet away without a stitch of clothing on.

“Captain Admiral? Graydon?” Her voice carried up to the cave, a note of heavy reluctance in her tone.

He opened his eyes and stepped out of the cave before he thought too closely about it, as though she only had to call and he’d go running like a moron.

“What do you need?” His voice came out gruff and more than a little pissed off sounding. If she was about to pull some stunt like ask him to bring her clothes—whatever she hoped to achieve by that…maybe to disarm or distract him—well, it might make him a bastard, but he sure as shite wasn’t going to fall for it. Of course, if he refused to bring her clothes…

His treacherous mind eagerly supplied him with images of her striding naked and dripping into the cave.

Goddamn it.

An uncomfortable laugh carried through the still evening air. “This is so stupid… I’m stuck. My foot got wedged in between these rocks, and I think one of them moved slightly. I can’t get enough leverage to lift it off, and I haven’t been able to pull my foot out.”

Oh, hell
. Zander sucked in a deep breath of air then forced it out again.
Christ, give me some semblance of control.
What really made him a bastard was the fact he’d practically started drooling at the thought he was about to face her naked and trapped…that he’d get to put his hands all over her while he helped her get free. Yep, he was a class-A scum bastard.

Touch nothing but her leg. Keep your eyes off the interesting bits.

He clenched his fists as he descended past where the warm water bubbled out of the cracks, the occasional plump droplets of rain still tumbling from the sky. Petros was still in the same position he’d seen her earlier when he’d returned. One of the thermal blankets lay neatly folded on a dry rock nearby. So that was her plan.

“How long have you been stuck like that?” he asked the back of her head when he stopped where the rock edge dropped off into the water.

She half turned to face him, her arms crossed over her chest, even though the water was up around her collarbone. Her cheeks were flushed, though whether from the situation or the temperature of the water, he couldn’t tell.

“A fair while.” She held up wrinkly fingers. “I’ve been calling for you. I didn’t know how long you were going to be.”

He sat down and unlaced his boots. Looked like there was no other option but to get in and help her out.

“You might want to leave your clothes in the cave like I did. They’ll end up wet if it starts raining heavily before you can get me out of this mess.”

Zander glanced up at the cave, where orange firelight flickered on the walls, and then looked back at her. Did she expect him to just parade back down here, buck naked? But she made a good point. The rain had held off so far, but the sky was threatening to unleash a torrent, and hiking in wet clothes tomorrow would be a bitch.

“You’re too damned practical, you know that?”

“Sorry, sir,” she muttered, staring at the water with a frown.

He heaved another sigh as he stood and trudged back up to the cave. Inside, he shed all of his garments except for his boxer briefs and left them in a pile next to hers. He could go commando tomorrow if his underwear didn’t dry overnight.

Zander returned to the stream but didn’t look at Petros as he slipped in near her. As the bath-temperature water closed over his aching muscles, he swallowed a groan at the magic it started working right away.

“Hell, that feels too damned good,” he muttered as he waded closer to her, keeping his gaze locked on her face like he’d ordered himself to do.

She watched him with an unreadable expression, tightening her arms across her chest. Judging by her countenance, she was about as happy with this as he was. Jumping to the conclusion that she’d intended to try something with him was pretty much the stupidest thing he’d come up with in the last decade or so. Yeah, she was keeping something from him, but she’d proven to be one hell of a soldier. Despite everything, she’d stood firm, hadn’t wavered, hadn’t complained, and only seemed intent on getting out of this wilderness alive. Maybe he needed to give her a break. Maybe he needed to give them both a break.

“Let’s see what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

She sent him a tight nod, so he shifted closer, trying to see through the water down to their feet. No use. It was getting darker and the swirling water probably would have made it impossible to get a clear picture even if it’d been bright daylight.

“I’m just going to duck under and have a look.”

She nodded again, her lips pressed into a thin line as she avoided his gaze.

“You’re not in any pain, are you? You haven’t injured your ankle?”
Duh.
Why hadn’t he asked that as soon as he’d come down here?
Because you can hardly keep your thoughts straight in your head, you lecherous son of a bitch.

“No, I’m not hurt, just stuck. And embarrassed.”

“I’m not going to look at anything I don’t have a right to be looking at, okay? I’m going to get your foot out and then close my eyes until you get back to the cave.”

She sent him a fierce frown. “Not about that. You think you’re the first guy to see me naked? No, I mean, I’m embarrassed that I got stuck under the stupid rock in the first place and couldn’t get myself out. I don’t do damsel in distress.”

He got the feeling that had he been anyone else, she probably would have added
you idiot
. He could see her thinking it in her expression.

She sighed, pushing back some loose strands of damp, dark hair. “And to top it off, the only person around for hundreds of miles that can help hates me.”

Her words pulled him up short, because while he hadn’t exactly been friendly toward her, he hadn’t meant to give her the impression that he
hated
her.

“I don’t hate you, Mae.” Her name slipped out, sounding too natural and feeling a little too good rolling over his tongue.

She snapped her gaze to his face, obviously as surprised as he was that he’d used her name, an almost intimate tone in his voice.

“I don’t like that you’re keeping things from me, and I worry about what those things might be. But I don’t hate you.” His control slipped a fraction, and he let his gaze drop down her body for a moment, though he couldn’t see anything in the dim, churning water. “I
really
don’t hate you.”

In that second, it didn’t seem to matter that he’d been so damn suspicious and frustrated with her. She had him on edge like he’d never been before, and maybe she was the only one who could fix that for him—that the answer didn’t lie in keeping her at arm’s length, but in getting closer to her. If she thought he was letting his guard down, she’d tell him what he needed to know. Hell yeah, it was a low tactic, but it presented some interesting possibilities.

…

Mae forced herself to be still, though she wanted to squirm under Graydon’s intent stare. With his toffee eyes focused on her and a warmth in his expression that speared deep inside her chest, her body became oversensitized.

She’d meant what she’d said—that standing here naked, with him nearly naked, didn’t bother her too much. They were both adults, and he couldn’t see all that much in the gently churning water. But she’d been frustrated that she had to call him to help her when things were so strained between them.

Except when he’d said he didn’t hate her, his gaze leaving heat licking under her skin like living flame, the kiss that’d ambushed them earlier didn’t seem so ludicrous any longer.

Oh, she knew what this was—it wasn’t her first tour on the survival-adrenaline train. This was a combination of simple chemicals, the fact they’d survived several near-death incidents, and the not-so-small issue that they were all alone for miles and miles.

This shouldn’t happen, but the kindling burn in his steady gaze chipped away at the wall of practicality and distance she’d constructed around her feelings.

She’d been telling herself since the kiss that she was ten kinds of idiot to let something so intimate happen between them, considering the impenetrable barrier of mistrust and secrets between them. Except her body apparently didn’t agree with the logic of her mind. Her stupid hormones had other ideas altogether.

She clamped down every muscle in her body and reinforced her vow to stay still. Stupidly, she started caring less about her trapped foot and became more interested in the droplets of water clinging to the muscles of Graydon’s chest.

He took a deep breath, his shoulders expanding before they relaxed again.

“Okay, I’m going to duck down and see if I can move that rock.”

She nodded, too on edge to form any coherent words.

He dropped under the surface, and she sighed, some tension draining from her body now that she wasn’t pinned by that intense stare any longer. Except then his large hand wrapped around her lower calf, and the electric shock of his touch resounded through all of her limbs.

The hand smoothed downward, and then she felt the rock moving against the side of her ankle. The pressure around her foot lessened, and with him guiding her, she tugged her leg upward, freed at last.

Thank god.
She shifted back and came up against the rock shelf behind her as Graydon surfaced.

He sluiced water off his hair and waded closer to her. “I know you said you weren’t injured, but I think you should give me a quick look at your foot before you go dashing back up to the cave.”

An automatic refusal caught on her frozen tongue. She was beginning to think his earlier observation, about her being too practical, was actually a flaw. Because while she wanted to escape both him and the reckless heat building, she couldn’t disagree with his logic.

She nodded and braced her back against the rocks as she raised her leg out of the water. Graydon caught her ankle, fingers tracing a slight scrape across the bridge of her foot and big toe.

“You might have a few bruises, but it doesn’t look too serious. Does it hurt anywhere now that you’re free?”

She shook her head, but he didn’t see because he was still examining the limb.

Okay, so they’d established she wasn’t injured. Time to escape and find some way to regain her equilibrium before they sat down for dinner together.

Except there was one problem with that, because he hadn’t let go of her foot yet. His fingers traced over the scrapes again, but then continued up to her ankle and around to the back of her calf.

She bit her lip as a shudder tore through her, despite the fact she tried to clamp down on the sensations shooting up her leg.

Graydon looked up and met her gaze. In that one glance, she saw everything she shouldn’t want, everything she knew she
couldn’t
have with this man. He stepped closer to her, making her breaths too shallow.

This was totally irrational. Things had become too complicated, unclear out here where they were stuck with each other and couldn’t gain perspective. What would they do when they got back to reality, when the question of whether or not he was even human rammed right into her?

But as his large, slightly roughened palm stroked over her lower leg, she couldn’t believe that he was anything but human.

There was a good chance she was going to regret this. But as he let go of her calf and came closer, she couldn’t think of anything except that it would be totally worth it.

For once, she wanted to think of nothing—not her promise to Rian, not the certainty that if UAFA or the IPC found out what she was doing here she’d think herself lucky for only getting sent to Erebus, nor the truth that it’d been too long since she’d let anyone get close to her and it was easier to always be detached. God, how she wanted to think of nothing and simply feel.