Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (53 page)

HIGGINS [
as he shuts the last drawer] Well, I think thats the
whole show.

PICKERING It’s really amazing. I havnt taken half of it in, you know.

HIGGINS Would you like to go over any of it again?

PICKERING [
rising
and coming to thefireplace, where he plants himself with his back to the fire]
No, thank you; not now. I’m quite done up for this morning.

HIGGINS [
following him, and standing beside him on his left]
Tired of listening to sounds?

PICKERING Yes. It’s a fearful strain. I rather fancied myself because I can pronounce twenty-four distinct vowel sounds; but your hundred and thirty beat me. I cant hear a bit of difference between most of them.

HIGGINS
[chuckling, and going over to the piano to eat sweets
] Oh, that comes with practice. You hear no difference at first; but you keep on listening, and presently you find theyre all as different as A from B.
[Mrs. Pearce looks in: she is Higgins’s
house keeper]
Whats the matter?

MRS. PEARCE [
hesitatins,
evidently
perplexed
] A young woman wants to see you, sir.

HIGGINS A young woman! What does she want?

MRS. PEARCE Well, sir, she says youll be glad to see her when you know what shes come about. Shes quite a common girl, sir. Very common indeed. I should have sent her away, only I thought perhaps you wanted her to talk into your machines. I hope Ive not done wrong; but really you see such queer people sometimes—youll excuse me, I’m sure, sir—

HIGGINS Oh, thats all right, Mrs. Pearce. Has she an interesting accent?

MRS. PEARCE Oh, something dreadful, sir, really. I dont
know
how you can take an interest in it.

HIGGINS
[to PICKERING]
Lets have her up. Shew her up, Mrs. Pearce
[he rushes across to his working table and picks out a cylinder to use on the phonograph).

MRS. PEARCE
[only half resigned to it]
Very well, sir. It’s for you to say.
[She goes downstairs].

HIGGINS This is rather a bit of luck. I’ll shew you how I make records. We’ll set her talking; and I’ll take it down first in Bell’s visible Speech; then in broad Romic;
^gn
and then we’ll get her on the phonograph so that you can turn her on as often as you like with the written transcript before you.

MRS. PEARCE
[returning]
This is the young woman, sir.
The flower girl enters in state. She has a hat with three ostrich feathers, orange, sky-blue, and red. She has a nearly clean apron, and the shoddy coat has been tidied a little. The pathos of this deplorable figure, with its innocent vanity and consequential air, touches PICKERING, who has already straightened himself in the presence of MRS. PEARCE. But as to HIGGINS, the only distinction he makes between men and women is that when he is neither bullying nor exclaiming to the heavens against some featherweight cross, he coaxes women as a child coaxes its nurse when it wants to get anything out of her.

HIGGINS [
brusquely, recognizing her with unconcealed disappointment, and at once, babylike, making an intolerable grievance of it]
Why, this is the girl I jotted down last night. Shes no use: Ive got all the records I want of the Lisson Grove lingo; and I’m not going to waste another cylinder on it.
[To the girl]
Be off with you: I dont want you.

THE FLOWER GIRL Dont you be so saucy. You aint heard what I come for yet.
[To MRS. PEARCE, who is waiting at the door for further instruction]
Did you tell him I come in a taxi?

MRS. PEARCE Nonsense, girl! what do you think a gentleman like Mr. Higgins cares what you came in?

THE FLOWER GIRL Oh, we are proud! He aint above giving lessons, not him: I heard him say so. Well, I aint come here to ask for any compliment; and if my money’s not good enough I can go elsewhere.

HIGGINS Good enough for what?

THE FLOWER GIRL Good enough for ye-oo. Now you know, dont you? I’m come to have lessons, I am. And to pay for em too: make no mistake.

HIGGINS [
stupent
]
^go
Well!!!
[Recovering his breath with a gasp]
What do you expect me to say to you?

THE FLOWER GIRL Well, if you was a gentleman, you might ask me to sit down, I think. Dont I tell you I’m bringing you business?

HIGGINS Pickering: shall we ask this baggage
^gp
to sit down or shall we throw her out of the window?

THE FLOWER GIRL [
running away in terror to the piano, where she turns at bay
] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo! [
Wounded and whimpering
] I wont be called a baggage when Ive offered to pay like any lady.

PICKERING [
gently
] What is it you want, my girl?

THE FLOWER GIRL I want to be a lady in a flower shop stead of selling at the corner of Tottenham Court Road. But they wont take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said he could teach me. Well, here I am ready to pay him—not asking any favor—and he treats me as if I was dirt.

MRS. PEARCE How can you be such a foolish ignorant girl as to think you could afford to pay Mr. Higgins?

THE FLOWER GIRL Why shouldnt I? I know what lessons cost as well as you do; and I’m ready to pay.

HIGGINS How much?

THE FLOWER GIRL [
coming back to him, triumphant
] Now youre talking! I thought youd come off it when you saw a chance of getting back a bit of what you chucked at me last night. [
Confidentially
] Youd had a drop in, hadnt you?

HIGGINS [
peremptory
] Sit down.

THE FLOWER GIRL Oh, if youre going to make a compliment of it—

HIGGINS [
thundering at her
] Sit down.

MRS. PEARCE
[severely]
Sit down, girl. Do as youre told. [
She places the stray chair near the hearthrug between Higgins and Pickering, and stands behind it waiting for the girl to sit down
].

THE FLOWER GIRL Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!
[She stands, half rebellious, half bewildered].

PICKERING [very courteous] Wont you sit down?

THE FLOWER GIRL [coyly] Dont mind if I do. [
She sits down. Pickering returns to the hearthrug
].

HIGGINS Whats your name?

THE FLOWER GIRL Liza Doolittle.

HIGGINS
[declaiming gravely]

PICKERING They found a nest with four eggs in it:

HIGGINS They took one apiece, and left three in it.

LIZA Oh, dont be silly.

MRS. PEARCE You mustnt speak to the gentleman like that.

LIZA Well, why wont he speak sensible to me?

HIGGINS Come back to business. How much do you propose to pay me for the lessons?

LIZA Oh, I know whats right. A lady friend of mine gets French lessons for eighteenpence an hour from a real French gentleman. Well, you wouldnt have the face to ask me the same for teaching me my own language as you would for French; so I wont give more than a shilling. Take it or leave it.

HIGGINS [
walking up and down the room, rattling his keys and his cash
in his pockets] You know, Pickering, if you consider a shilling, not as a simple shilling, but as a percentage of this girl’s income, it works out as fully equivalent to sixty or seventy guineas from a millionaire.

PICKERING How so?

HIGGINS Figure it out. A millionaire has about £ 150 a day. She earns about half-a-crown.

LIZA [
haughtily
] Who told you I only—

HIGGINS [
continuing
] She offers me two-fifths of her day’s income for a lesson. Two-fifths of a millionaire’s income for a day would be somewhere about £60. It’s handsome. By George, it’s enormous! it’s the biggest offer I ever had.

LIZA [
rising,
terrified] Sixty pounds! What are you talking about? I never offered you sixty pounds. Where would I get—

HIGGINS Hold your tongue.

LIZA [
weeping
] But I aint got sixty pounds. Oh—

MRS. PEARCE Dont cry, you silly girl. Sit down. Nobody is going to touch your money.

HIGGINS Somebody is going to touch you, with a broomstick, if you dont stop snivelling. Sit down.

LIZA
[obeying slowly
] Ah-ah-ah-ow-oo-o! One would think you was my father.

HIGGINS If I decide to teach you, I’ll be worse than two fathers to you. Here
[he offers her his silk handkerchief
]!

LIZA Whats this for?

HIGGINS To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels moist. Remember: thats your handkerchief; and thats your sleeve. Dont mistake the one for the other if you wish to become a lady in a shop.

MRS. PEARCE It’s no use talking to her like that, Mr. Higgins: she doesnt understand you. Besides, youre quite wrong: she doesnt do it that way at all [
she
takes the
handherchief
]
.

LIZA [
snatching it
] Here! You give me that handkerchief. He give it to me, not to you.

PICKERING [
laughing
] He did. I think it must be regarded as her property, Mrs. Pearce.

MRS. PEARCE [
resigning herself
] Serve you right, Mr. Higgins.

PICKERING Higgins: I’m interested. What about the ambassador’s garden party? I’ll say youre the greatest teacher alive if you make that good. I’ll bet you all the expenses of the experiment you cant do it. And I’ll pay for the lessons.

LIZA Oh, you are real good. Thank you, Captain.

HIGGINS [
tempted, looking at her
] It’s almost irresistible. Shes so deliciously low—so horribly dirty—

LIZA [protesting
extremely
] Ah-ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo-oo!!! I aint dirty: I washed my face and hands afore I come, I did.

PICKERING Youre certainly not going to turn her head with flattery, Higgins.

MRS. PEARCE
[uneasy]
Oh, dont say that, sir: theres more ways than one of turning a girl’s head; and nobody can do it better than Mr. Higgins, though he may not always mean it. I do hope, sir, you wont encourage him to do anything foolish.

HIGGINS [
becoming excited as the idea grows on him
] What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesnt come every day. I shall make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe.
^gq

LIZA [
strongly deprecating this view of her
] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!

HIGGINS [
carried away
] Yes: in six months—in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue—I’ll take her anywhere and pass her off as anything. We’ll start to-day: now! this moment! Take her away and clean her, Mrs. Pearce. Monkey Brand,
^gr
if it wont come off any other way. Is there a good fire in the kitchen?

MRS. PEARCE
[protesting]
Yes; but—

HIGGINS
[storming on]
Take all her clothes off and burn them. Ring up Whiteley
^gs
or somebody for new ones. Wrap her up in brown paper til they come.

LIZA Youre no gentleman, youre not, to talk of such things. I’m a good girl, I am; and I know what the like of you are, I do.

HIGGINS We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, young woman. Youve got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away, Mrs. Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her.

LIZA [
springing up and running between PICKERING and MRS. PEARCE for protection
] No! I’ll call the police, I will.

MRS. PEARCE But Ive no place to put her.

HIGGINS Put her in the dustbin.

LIZA Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!

PICKERING Oh come, Higgins! be reasonable.

MRS. PEARCE [
resolutely
] You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins: really you must. You cant walk over everybody like this. HIGGINS, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a
zephyr of amiable surprise.

HIGGINS [
with professional
exquisiteness
of modulation
] I walk over everybody! My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never had the slightest intention of walking over anyone. All I propose is that we should be kind to this poor girl. We must help her to prepare and fit herself for her new station in life. If I did not express myself clearly it was because I did not wish to hurt her delicacy, or yours.

MRS. PEARCE
[to PICKERING]
Well, did you ever hear anything like that, sir?

PICKERING
[laughing heartily
] Never, Mrs. Pearce: never.

HIGGINS [
patiently
] Whats the matter?

MRS. PEARCE Well, the matter is, sir, that you cant take a girl up like that as if you were picking up a pebble on the beach.

HIGGINS Why not?

MRS. PEARCE Why not! But you dont know anything about her. What about her parents? She may be married.

LIZA Garn!

HIGGINS There! As the girl very properly says, Garn! Married indeed! Dont you know that a woman of that class looks a worn out drudge of fifty a year after shes married.

LIZA Whood marry me?

HIGGINS
[suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low tones
in his best elocutionary style] By George, Eliza, the streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves for your sake before Ive done with you.

MRS . PEARCE Nonsense, sir. You mustnt talk like that to her.

LIZA
[rising and squaring herself determinedly
] I’m going away. He’s off his chump,
^gt
he is. I dont want no balmies
^gu
teaching me.