Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (16 page)
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Authors: George Bernard Shaw
BOOK: Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)
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SHIRLEY
[bursting into tears]
Oh God! it’s true: I’m only an old pauper on the scrap heap.
[Furiousty.]
But youll come to it yourself; and then youll know. Youll come to it sooner than a teetotaller like me, fillin yourself with gin at this hour o the mornin!
[bursting into tears]
Oh God! it’s true: I’m only an old pauper on the scrap heap.
[Furiousty.]
But youll come to it yourself; and then youll know. Youll come to it sooner than a teetotaller like me, fillin yourself with gin at this hour o the mornin!
BILL I’m no gin drinker, you old liar; but when I want to give my girl a bloomin good idin I like to av a bit o devil in me : see? An here I am, talkin to a rotten old blighter like you sted o givin her wot for.
[Working himself into a rage.]
I’m goin in there to fetch her out.
[He makes vengefully for the shelter door.
]
[Working himself into a rage.]
I’m goin in there to fetch her out.
[He makes vengefully for the shelter door.
]
SHIRLEY Youre goin to the station on a stretcher, more likely; and theyll take the gin and the devil out of you there when they get you inside. You mind what youre about: the major here is the Earl o Stevenage’s granddaughter.
SHIRLEY Youll see.
BILL
[his resolution oozing]
Well, I aint done nothin to er.
[his resolution oozing]
Well, I aint done nothin to er.
SHIRLEY Spose she said you did! who’d believe you?
BILL
[very uneasy, skulking back to the corner of the penthouse]
Gawd! theres no jastice in this country. To think wot them people can do! I’m as good as er.
[very uneasy, skulking back to the corner of the penthouse]
Gawd! theres no jastice in this country. To think wot them people can do! I’m as good as er.
SHIRLEY Tell her so. Its just what a fool like you would do.
BARBARA, brisk and businesslike, comes from the shelter with a note book, and addresses herself to SHIRLEY. BILL, cowed, sits down in the corner on a form, and turns his back on them.
BARBARA, brisk and businesslike, comes from the shelter with a note book, and addresses herself to SHIRLEY. BILL, cowed, sits down in the corner on a form, and turns his back on them.
BARBARA Good morning.
SHIRLEY
[standing up and taking off his hat]
Good morning, miss.
[standing up and taking off his hat]
Good morning, miss.
BARBARA Sit down: make yourself at home.
[He hesitates; but she puts a friendly hand on his shoulder and makes him obey.]
Now then! since youve made friends with us, we want to know all about you. Names and addresses and trades.
[He hesitates; but she puts a friendly hand on his shoulder and makes him obey.]
Now then! since youve made friends with us, we want to know all about you. Names and addresses and trades.
SHIRLEY Peter Shirley. Fitter. Chucked out two months ago because I was too old.
BARBARA
[not at all surprised]
Youd pass still. Why didnt you dye your hair?
[not at all surprised]
Youd pass still. Why didnt you dye your hair?
SHIRLEY I did. Me age come out at a coroner’s inquest on me daughter.
21
21
BARBARA Steady?
SHIRLEY Teetotaller. Never out of a job before. Good worker. And sent to the knackers
az
like an old horse!
az
like an old horse!
BARBARA No matter: if you did your part God will do his.
SHIRLEY
[suddenly stubborn]
My religion’s no concern of anybody but myself.
[suddenly stubborn]
My religion’s no concern of anybody but myself.
SHIRLEY
[hotly]
Did I offer to deny it?
[hotly]
Did I offer to deny it?
BARBARA Why should you? My own father’s a Secularist, I think. Our Father—yours and mine—fulfils himself in many ways; and I daresay he knew what he was about when he made a Secularist of you. So buck up, Peter! we can always find a job for a steady man like you.
[SHIRLEY, disarmed, touches his hat. She turns from him to BILL.]
Whats your name?
[SHIRLEY, disarmed, touches his hat. She turns from him to BILL.]
Whats your name?
BILL
[insolently]
Wots that to you?
[insolently]
Wots that to you?
BARBARA
[calmly making a note]
Afraid to give his name. Any trade?
[calmly making a note]
Afraid to give his name. Any trade?
BILL Who’s afraid to give his name?
(Doggedly, with a sense of heroically defying the House of Lords in the person of Lord Stevenage.
If you want to bring a charge agen me, bring it.
[She waits, unruffled.
My name’s Bill Walker.
(Doggedly, with a sense of heroically defying the House of Lords in the person of Lord Stevenage.
If you want to bring a charge agen me, bring it.
[She waits, unruffled.
My name’s Bill Walker.
BARBARA
[as if the name were familiar: trying to remember how]
Bill Walker? [
Recollecting
.] Oh, I know: youre the man that Jenny Hill was praying for inside just now.
[She enters his name in her note book.
]
[as if the name were familiar: trying to remember how]
Bill Walker? [
Recollecting
.] Oh, I know: youre the man that Jenny Hill was praying for inside just now.
[She enters his name in her note book.
]
BILL Who’s Jenny Hill? And what call has she to pray for me?
BARBARA I dont know. Perhaps it was you that cut her lip.
BILL
[defiantty]
Yes, it w a s me that cut her lip. I aint afraid o you.
[defiantty]
Yes, it w a s me that cut her lip. I aint afraid o you.
BARBARA How could you be, since youre not afraid of God? Youre a brave man, Mr. Walker. It takes some pluck to do our work here; but none of us dare lift our hand against a girl like that, for fear of her father in heaven.
BILL
[sullenly]
I want none o your cantin jaw. I suppose you think I come here to beg from you, like this damaged lot here. Not me. I dont want your bread and scrape and catlap.
bb
I dont believe in your Gawd, no more than you do yourself.
[sullenly]
I want none o your cantin jaw. I suppose you think I come here to beg from you, like this damaged lot here. Not me. I dont want your bread and scrape and catlap.
bb
I dont believe in your Gawd, no more than you do yourself.
BARBARA
(sunnily apologetic and ladylike, as on a new footing with him]
Oh, I beg your pardon for putting your name down, Mr. Walker. I didnt understand. I’ll strike it out.
(sunnily apologetic and ladylike, as on a new footing with him]
Oh, I beg your pardon for putting your name down, Mr. Walker. I didnt understand. I’ll strike it out.
BILL
[taking this as a slight, and deeply wounded by it]
Eah! you let my name alone. Aint it good enough to be in your book?
[taking this as a slight, and deeply wounded by it]
Eah! you let my name alone. Aint it good enough to be in your book?
BARBARA
[considering]
Well, you see, theres no use putting down your name unless I can do something for you, is there? Whats your trade?
[considering]
Well, you see, theres no use putting down your name unless I can do something for you, is there? Whats your trade?
BILL
[still smarting]
Thats no concern o yours.
[still smarting]
Thats no concern o yours.
BARBARA Just so.
[Very businesslike.]
I’ll put you down as [
writing]
the man who—struck—poor little Jenny Hill—in the mouth.
[Very businesslike.]
I’ll put you down as [
writing]
the man who—struck—poor little Jenny Hill—in the mouth.
BILL
[rising threateningly]
See here. Ive ad enough o this.
[rising threateningly]
See here. Ive ad enough o this.
BARBARA
[quite sunny and fearless]
What did you come to us for?
[quite sunny and fearless]
What did you come to us for?
BILL I come for my girl, see? I come to take her out o this and to break er jawr for her.
BARBARA
[complacently]
You see I was right about your trade.
[BILL, on the point of retorting furiously, finds himself, to his great shame and terror, in danger of crying instead. He sits down again suddenly.
] Whats her name?
[complacently]
You see I was right about your trade.
[BILL, on the point of retorting furiously, finds himself, to his great shame and terror, in danger of crying instead. He sits down again suddenly.
] Whats her name?
BILL
(dogged]
Er name’s Mog Abbijam: thats wot her name is.
(dogged]
Er name’s Mog Abbijam: thats wot her name is.
BARBARA Oh, she’s gone to Canning Town, to our barracks there.
BILL
[fortified by his resentment of MOG’s perfidy]
Is she? [
Vindictively.) Then I’m
goin to Kennintahn arter her.
[He crosses to the gate;
hesitates;
finally comes back at Barbara.]
Are you lyin to me to get shut o me?
[fortified by his resentment of MOG’s perfidy]
Is she? [
Vindictively.) Then I’m
goin to Kennintahn arter her.
[He crosses to the gate;
hesitates;
finally comes back at Barbara.]
Are you lyin to me to get shut o me?
BARBARA I dont want to get shut of you. I want to keep you here and save your soul. Youd better stay: youre going to have a bad time today, Bill.
BILL Who’s goin to give it to me? You, praps.
BARBARA Someone you dont believe in. But youll be glad afterwards.
BILL
[slinking off
] I’ll go to Kennintahn to be out o the reach o your tongue.
(Suddenly turning on her with intense malice.]
And if I dont find Mog there, I’ll come back and do two years for you, selp me Gawd if I don‘t!
[slinking off
] I’ll go to Kennintahn to be out o the reach o your tongue.
(Suddenly turning on her with intense malice.]
And if I dont find Mog there, I’ll come back and do two years for you, selp me Gawd if I don‘t!
BARBARA
[a shade kindlier, if possible]
It’s no use, Bill. Shes got another bloke.
[a shade kindlier, if possible]
It’s no use, Bill. Shes got another bloke.
BILL Wot!
BARBARA One of her own converts. He fell in love with her when he saw her with her soul saved, and her face clean, and her hair washed.
BILL
[surprised]
Wottud she wash it for, the carroty slut? It’s red.
[surprised]
Wottud she wash it for, the carroty slut? It’s red.
BARBARA It’s quite lovely now, because she wears a new look in her eyes with it. It’s a pity youre too late. The new bloke has put your nose out of joint, Bill.
BILL I’ll put his nose out o joint for him. Not that I care a curse for her, mind that. But I’ll teach her to drop me as if I was dirt. And I’ll teach him to meddle with my judy. Wots iz bleedin name?
BARBARA Sergeant Todger Fairmile.
SHIRLEY [
rising with grim joy]
I’ll go with him, miss. I want to see them two meet. I’ll take him to the infirmary when it’s over.
rising with grim joy]
I’ll go with him, miss. I want to see them two meet. I’ll take him to the infirmary when it’s over.
BILL
[to SHIRLEY, with undissembled misgiving]
Is that im you was speakin on?
[to SHIRLEY, with undissembled misgiving]
Is that im you was speakin on?
SHIRLEY Thats him.
BILL Im that wrastled in the music all?
SHIRLEY The competitions at the National Sportin Club was worth nigh a hundred a year to him. Hes gev em up now for religion; so hes a bit fresh for want of the exercise he was accustomed to. Hell be glad to see you. Come along.
BILL Wots is weight?
SHIRLEY Thirteen four.
[BILL’s last hope expires.]
[BILL’s last hope expires.]
BARBARA Go and talk to him, Bill. He’ll convert you.
SHIRLEY He’ll convert your head into a mashed potato.
BILL
[sullenly]
I aint afraid of him. I aint afraid of ennybody. But he can lick me. Shes done me.
[He sits down moodily on the edge of the horse trough.
]
[sullenly]
I aint afraid of him. I aint afraid of ennybody. But he can lick me. Shes done me.
[He sits down moodily on the edge of the horse trough.
]
SHIRLEY You aint goin. I thought not. [He resumes his seat.]
BARBARA
(calling]
Jenny!
(calling]
Jenny!
JENNY
[appearing at the shelter door with a plaster on the corner of her mouth]
Yes, Major.
[appearing at the shelter door with a plaster on the corner of her mouth]
Yes, Major.
BARBARA Send Rummy Mitchens out to clear away here.
JENNY I think shes afraid .
BARBARA [her
resemblance
to her
mother flashing out for a
moment] Nonsense! she must do as shes told.
resemblance
to her
mother flashing out for a
moment] Nonsense! she must do as shes told.
JENNY
(calling into the shelter]
Rummy: the Major says you must come.
(calling into the shelter]
Rummy: the Major says you must come.
JENNY comes to BARBARA, purposely keeping on the side next BILL, lest he should suppose that she shrank from him or bore malice.
BARBARA Poor little Jenny! Are you tired?
[Looking at the wounded cheek.]
Does it hurt?
[Looking at the wounded cheek.]
Does it hurt?
JENNY No: it’s all right now. It was nothing.
BARBARA [
critically
] It was as hard as he could hit, I expect. Poor Bill! You dont feel angry with him, do you?
critically
] It was as hard as he could hit, I expect. Poor Bill! You dont feel angry with him, do you?
JENNY Oh no, no, no: indeed I dont, Major, bless his poor heart!
(BARBARA kisses her; and she runs away merrily into the shelter. Bill writhes with an agonizing return of his new and alarming symptoms, but says nothing. RUMMY MITCHENS comes from the shelter. ]
(BARBARA kisses her; and she runs away merrily into the shelter. Bill writhes with an agonizing return of his new and alarming symptoms, but says nothing. RUMMY MITCHENS comes from the shelter. ]
BARBARA
[going
to meet
RUMMY]
Now Rummy, bustle. Take in those mugs and plates to be washed; and throw the crumbs about for the birds.
[going
to meet
RUMMY]
Now Rummy, bustle. Take in those mugs and plates to be washed; and throw the crumbs about for the birds.
RUMMY takes the three plates and mugs; but SHIRLEY takes back his mug from her, as there is still some milk left in it.
RUMMY There aint any crumbs. This aint a time to waste good bread on birds.
PRICE
[appearing at the shelter door]
Gentleman come to see the shelter, Major. Says hes your father.
[appearing at the shelter door]
Gentleman come to see the shelter, Major. Says hes your father.
BARBARA All right. Coming.
[SNOBBY goes
back into the shelter,
followed by BARBARA.]
[SNOBBY goes
back into the shelter,
followed by BARBARA.]
RUMMY
[stealing across to BILL and addressing
him in
a
subdued
voice, but with intense conviction]
I’d av the lor of you, you flat eared pignosed potwalloper,
bc
if she’d let me.Youre no gentleman, to hit a lady in the face.
[BILL, with greater things moving in him, takes no notice.
]
[stealing across to BILL and addressing
him in
a
subdued
voice, but with intense conviction]
I’d av the lor of you, you flat eared pignosed potwalloper,
bc
if she’d let me.Youre no gentleman, to hit a lady in the face.
[BILL, with greater things moving in him, takes no notice.
]
SHIRLEY [
following her]
Here! in with you and dont get yourself into more trouble by talking.
following her]
Here! in with you and dont get yourself into more trouble by talking.
RUMMY
[with hauteur]
I aint ad the pleasure o being hintro duced to you, as I can remember.
[She goes into the shelter with the plates.
]
[with hauteur]
I aint ad the pleasure o being hintro duced to you, as I can remember.
[She goes into the shelter with the plates.
]
SHIRLEY Thats the—
BILL
[savagely]
Dont you talk to me, d‘ye hear. You lea me alone, or I’ll do you a mischief. I’m not dirt under your feet, anyway.
[savagely]
Dont you talk to me, d‘ye hear. You lea me alone, or I’ll do you a mischief. I’m not dirt under your feet, anyway.
SHIRLEY
[calmly]
Dont you be afeerd. You aint such prime company that you need expect to be sought after.
[He is about to go into the shelter when BARBARA comes out, with UNDERSHAFT
on
her right.]
[calmly]
Dont you be afeerd. You aint such prime company that you need expect to be sought after.
[He is about to go into the shelter when BARBARA comes out, with UNDERSHAFT
on
her right.]
BARBARA Oh there you are, Mr. Shirley!
[Between them.]
This is my father: I told you he was a Secularist, didnt I? Perhaps youll be able to comfort one another.
[Between them.]
This is my father: I told you he was a Secularist, didnt I? Perhaps youll be able to comfort one another.
UNDERSHAFT
[startled]
A Secularist! Not the least in the world: on the contrary, a confirmed mystic.
[startled]
A Secularist! Not the least in the world: on the contrary, a confirmed mystic.
BARBARA Sorry, I’m sure. By the way, papa, what i s your religion—in case I have to introduce you again?
UNDERSHAFT My religion? Well, my dear, I am a Millionaire. That is my religion.
BARBARA Then I’m afraid you and Mr. Shirley wont be able to comfort one another after all. Youre not a Millionaire, are you, Peter?
SHIRLEY No; and proud of it.
UNDERSHAFT [
gravely
] Poverty, my friend, is not a thing to be proud of.
gravely
] Poverty, my friend, is not a thing to be proud of.
SHIRLEY
[angrily]
Who made your millions for you? Me and my like. Whats kep us poor? Keepin you rich. I wouldnt have your conscience, not for all your income.
[angrily]
Who made your millions for you? Me and my like. Whats kep us poor? Keepin you rich. I wouldnt have your conscience, not for all your income.
UNDERSHAFT I wouldnt have your income, not for all your conscience, Mr. Shirley.
[He goes to the penthouse and sits down on
a
form.
]
[He goes to the penthouse and sits down on
a
form.
]
BARBARA
[stopping SHIRLEY adroitly as he is about to retort]
You wouldnt think he was my father, would you, Peter? Will you go into the shelter and lend the lasses a hand for a while: we’re worked off our feet.
[stopping SHIRLEY adroitly as he is about to retort]
You wouldnt think he was my father, would you, Peter? Will you go into the shelter and lend the lasses a hand for a while: we’re worked off our feet.
SHIRLEY [
bitterly
] Yes: I’m in their debt for a meal, aint I?
bitterly
] Yes: I’m in their debt for a meal, aint I?
BARBARA Oh, not because youre in their debt; but for love of them, Peter, for love of them.
[He cannot understand, and is rather scandalized.]
There! dont stare at me. In with you; and give that conscience of yours a holiday
[bustling him into the shelter] .
[He cannot understand, and is rather scandalized.]
There! dont stare at me. In with you; and give that conscience of yours a holiday
[bustling him into the shelter] .
SHIRLEY
[as he goes in]
Ah! it’s a pity you never was trained to use your reason, miss. Youd have been a very taking lecturer on Secularism.
[as he goes in]
Ah! it’s a pity you never was trained to use your reason, miss. Youd have been a very taking lecturer on Secularism.
BARBARA turns to her father.
UNDERSHAFT Never mind me, my dear. Go about your work; and let me watch it for a while.
BARBARA All right.
UNDERSHAFT For instance, whats the matter with that outpatient over there?
BARBARA
[looking at BILL, whose attitude has never changed, and whose expression of brooding wrath has deepened]
Oh, we shall cure him in no time. Just watch.
[She goes over to BILL and
waits.
He glances up at her and casts his eyes down again, uneasy, but grimmer than ever.]
It w o u l d be nice to just stamp on Mog Hab bijam’s face, wouldnt it, Bill?
[looking at BILL, whose attitude has never changed, and whose expression of brooding wrath has deepened]
Oh, we shall cure him in no time. Just watch.
[She goes over to BILL and
waits.
He glances up at her and casts his eyes down again, uneasy, but grimmer than ever.]
It w o u l d be nice to just stamp on Mog Hab bijam’s face, wouldnt it, Bill?
BILL
[starting up from the trough in consternation]
It’s a lie: I never said so.
[She shakes her head.
] Who told you wot was in my mind?
[starting up from the trough in consternation]
It’s a lie: I never said so.
[She shakes her head.
] Who told you wot was in my mind?
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