Putting Boys on the Ledge (5 page)

Not that I was going to put him on The Ledge. I was going to keep him right next to me on the couch. No way was I mean enough to put a boy I liked on The Ledge. Now, if it was a boy I didn't like or who was mean to my friends? That was another situation entirely.

"Sexploitation is turning women into sex objects to sell things or advance agendas. It's about making the only value of women sexual," Frances said.

Mom did a double take.

I wasn't sure I'd ever seen anyone actually do a double take before. But she definitely looked at me, then did some sort of jerky thing with her head, then looked at me again. We must have hit a nerve.

This was good. Very good.

"You know that sex is only about love and respect," my mom said. "Marissa, you know that, don't you?"

Marissa just shrugged and drank her milk.

"Anyway..." Okay, here I went for the kill. "The sexploitation issue made me think about how you tell me all the time that as a girl, I'm equal to boys, and that I should never let anyone walk all over me just because I'm a girl."

"None of you should." My dad shook a cooked carrot at my friends. "All of you are important, valuable human beings."

This was going perfectly. "I have a question."

"What is it?" Mom actually looked a little wary. This was going splendidly.

"If I'm not devalued because of my sexuality, or worthy of less because I'm female, how come you make dinner exceptions for Theo but not for me?"

Utter silence fell over the table.

Frances was studiously mashing her lasagna, Allie and Natalie were staring expectantly at my parents, as if they were waiting for some great revelation, and Marissa was weaving the lasagna noodles into some sort of artistic decor.

And Theo wasn't there—because he was getting ready for his football game.

Mom looked at my dad. "Conference in the other room."

My dad nodded, and the two of them disappeared into the kitchen. We didn't dare say anything, just sat there eating quietly. Except Marissa, who apparently had some artistic talent, as she turned her food into a very interesting arrangement.

It took less than two minutes for my parents to return.

They stood at the head of the table, my dad's arm around my mom, in their customary show of allegiance. The message in our house: never try to go around one parent to get to the other. They are one unit of love and authority.

My mom was the one who spoke. "Girls, we have to admit that we temporarily did fall into the trap of treating you all differently from Theo. Yes, as girls, you are more vulnerable. But it's our job to empower you, instead of trying to protect you by treating you differently. And if anyone ever tries to tell you your vulnerability is justification for not giving you equal opportunity, don't accept it."

Dad chimed in. "Blue, you can be in the play. I'll find someone to take care of the afternoon animal chores while you're at rehearsals, and we will adjust the family dinnertime to ensure you'll be able to attend."

Yes! This was so awesome!

"But..." My mom paused.

"But what?" I blurted out. Uh oh. My excitement was immediately tempered by wariness.

"We are still disappointed that you were late without calling us earlier in the week. We were concerned something had happened to you."

I could tell she meant it, and I felt bad. I hated it when I worried my parents. "I should have called. I'm sorry." I was. Once I was babysitting Marissa and she fell asleep in the goat's pen, and I couldn't find her for an hour. I was terrified! I didn't want to do that to my parents. They were weird, and they named me Blueberry, but I did love them.

"So we're going to get you a cell phone," my mom announced.

"You are?" This was turning out to be my best Friday night in years! I tried desperately not to jump up from the table and start dancing like a crazy woman, but I couldn't quite keep my feet from drumming on the floor.

Dad cocked his head, no doubt trying to identify the pitter-patter of my feet, while Mom continued with the lecture. "But you are only to use it for emergencies and to call family. Plus, you always have to have it with you, so we can reach you at any time."

Okay, so there were moments when my parents' belief in parenting with love instead of harsh discipline worked in my favor. Which was why I wasn't going to push it. "That's totally fair. I won't abuse it."

"Can she call us?" Allie spoke up. "Do we count as family?"

Oh, that's brilliant! I grinned at Allie, and she winked at me.

Mom and Dad looked at each other; then they both nodded. "Of course. You girls are family." Then Dad shook his finger. "But no long phone calls. Check-in only."

"Got it." I leaned back and let my feet dance under the table. I saw Natalie and Blue high five each other under the table, and Allie looked very pleased as she took another bite of the lasagna. I knew her happy expression wasn't from what she was putting in her mouth, that was for sure.

I couldn't believe it. I was going to be in the musical—as Heath's mother. I wondered if I would get to touch him. Plus, I was getting a phone. Even if I couldn't use it much, I would still look cool. Heath would have to be impressed.

I wondered if he was going to be at the football game tonight. Everyone went to the football games. Last time he saw me with naked fingernails and bad hair. This time I'd be a ravishing, mature babe. With a phone. And a part in the musical. "Allie?" We had less than a half hour to make myself a sexy diva.

"Yeah?" She grinned at me, her eyes sparkling.

"Did you bring your makeup?"

She grinned. "Sure did. I even raided Louisa's stash."

"You're putting on makeup to go to Theo's game?" Mom was watching me much too carefully.

I shifted in my seat. "Maybe."

She smiled knowingly. "Well, you'd better go get ready. We'll be leaving in a half hour."

She'd guessed there was a boy involved. I knew she was going to grill me later, but that was okay. First I had other things on my mind. Like looking good for tonight.

Really good.

There was a lot riding on tonight. I'd never put on makeup to attract a guy before. I was going to have to rely on Allie's expertise. I'd never realized that liking a guy was so stressful. Maybe this was what it was like to be on The Ledge. Maybe I had gotten one little toe out there already, just waiting for Heath to push me out the rest of the way.

Yuck. No wonder Louisa always said it was the boys who belonged out there.

Why did anyone have to be on The Ledge?

Why couldn't everyone be snuggled up in one happy pile?

I decided I was going to prove her wrong. No one needed to be on The Ledge. Not me. Not Heath. Not anyone.

Yep. I had it all figured out. I couldn't wait for tonight. This was going to be great!

We saw Heath ten minutes after we got there.

Ten minutes!

It was as if fate had dictated we were going to have a future together. With all the people at the football game, what were the chances I'd see him so soon? Before my hair got frizzy or before I rubbed all my makeup off. Even before my mom realized I'd pulled off my baggy sweater to reveal a cute, snug little shirt that magically managed to draw one's eyes toward my nearly invisible breasts. I was quite certain it was the four-inch white stripe right over my breasts that was so inviting.

Needless to say, Allie had swiped it from Louisa's closet, but Louisa wouldn't be mad. No doubt she would be in full support of anything intended to bring a boy to his knees in a helpless puddle of longing.

Anyway, we were on our way to the refreshment stand to get sodas when I saw Heath. He was in line just ahead of us, wearing his black leather jacket and jeans again.

I slammed my elbow into Natalie, who had the misfortune of being the person closest to me. "That's him!"

"Where?" Frances asked. Natalie was too busy wheezing and trying to catch her breath after I'd slammed her in the gut. Guess the adrenaline was flowing. Sorry, Nat!

"Buying hot dogs. In the black jacket." I wanted to hide. Duck behind my friends. Run away. "He's going to think I'm following him."

"Of course he is," Allie said. "With three hundred people at this game and your brother on the team, there's absolutely no other reason you'd be here other than to stalk him."

I bit my lip. "You think?"

"No! I was kidding." Allie grabbed my arm and spun me toward her for a quick inspection. "You look great. Go for it."

"Go for what? I don't know what to say."

"Let's get in line," Frances said. "He'll have to walk by us with his food when he leaves."

That was Frances. Always calm. Always thinking. "Great idea."

We all lined up, with me on the outside, right next to where he'd have to walk by with his load of food. My heart was racing. Not just racing—it was out of control. Was this what it felt like right before you had a heart attack? My stomach was in knots, and even the bottoms of my feet were sweating. "I can't do this."

"Yes, you can." Natalie wedged herself next to me, blocking my escape path while I watched Heath pay for his hot dogs and soda.

"He's coming." Oh, my gosh. He was walking right toward me. He was so cute. Hot. Gorgeous. Tall. Would he still smell like he did before? I lifted my nose and sniffed, really subtly, but all I could smell was hot dogs and popcorn.

Closer. Less than five feet away now.

A weird humming started in my ears, like I was going to faint. Oh, wouldn't that be dignified.

His gaze drifted over me, and I mustered up a smile. He smiled back. I love that smile.

I felt an elbow in my back and heard a whispered command to say something.

He was only a foot away now and about to move past.

"I got the part," I blurted.

He glanced at me. "Did you say something?"

"I got the part."

He stared blankly at me. "What part?"

Oh, my gosh.
He didn't remember who I was
. "The... the..."

Then someone shouted his name and he turned away. Whisked off into the crowd. Gone. What a horrible, horrible evening.

* * *

"I have a theory about Friday night," Allie announced on Sunday evening. "About what happened with Heath at the game."

"I don't care." Okay, so I did care. A lot. But I'd been trying not to think about Heath all weekend, and having Allie bring it up wasn't going to help. I was currently lying on my carpet staring up at the ceiling.

As I'd been doing all weekend.

He hadn't recognized me.

After I'd obsessed about him for every minute since I'd met him, he hadn't even remembered my face, let alone my name. How could anyone forget the name Blue? Very few people forgot meeting someone with my name. So the fact that Heath totally forgot?

Not a good sign.

Not good at all.

"I have a theory," Allie interrupted. "Doesn't anyone want to hear it?"

"No." I couldn't bear to talk or think about Heath for another minute.

Frances and Natalie weren't nearly as restrained as I was. "What's your theory, Allie?" Frances asked.

Well, she would ask. She never had any homework to do on Sunday night. Might as well dissect the process by which Blue Waller had become invisible.

Not that I was getting any homework done, though. How could I think about math when my spleen was currently on its way to the transplant center and my body was covered in tread marks after getting sucked off The Ledge by the hurricane-force winds swirling around?

The four of us had been meeting every Sunday night to do homework since we'd first started having homework. In the beginning, we'd met up to work on the assignments together.

Once Allie and Frances had gone off to private school, we'd kept up the tradition because it made it less painful to do homework on Sunday night if we all suffered together.

In fact, it was sort of an unwritten promise that we'd all leave some homework to do for Sunday night.

Except Frances. It simply wasn't in her nature. So tonight she was reading a book. For fun. Not a textbook, a fun book. Maybe there was hope for her.

Me, on the other hand... All homework was still undone. I had no chance of finishing it all by Monday, and I didn't care. I was too depressed to work.

"Yes, what's your theory?" Natalie asked.

"I don't want to hear it," I announced.

"Then don't listen." Allie folded her hands across her pre-algebra book like an all-knowing guru. "At tryouts, Blue didn't have any makeup on. She was wearing jeans and a loose sweater, and her hair was showing the effects of a long day at school."