Putting Boys on the Ledge (16 page)

I wanted to stand up and shout how I blew Heath off, but they probably wouldn't even hear me, they were singing so loud.

So I sat there, feeling like a loser, for two hours. At which point they ran out of time and postponed my scene until the next day.

This musical was definitely the stupidest idea I'd ever had.

* * *

"I'm going to quit the musical," I announced over dinner that night. "So you can fire Colin. I'll take over the barn starting tomorrow." It was the perfect solution. It would get me out of that awful rehearsal hall, and get Colin out of my life. He'd have to find another place for his girlfriend to giggle.

"No." My mom didn't even look at me, just dished up some vegetable mush onto Marissa's plate.

"What do you mean, 'No?'"

"You can't quit." She took my plate and dumped a mound that looked like dog vomit onto my plate. "Wallers don't quit."

"Have I ever mentioned that I would really prefer if you didn't refer to me as a Waller?" How could I eat that? "Don't we have any chicken?"

"You took that role in the musical away from someone else. You have a duty to follow through," Mom said.

"Yes, but if I quit now then that poor, deprived soul can have my part and then they'll be happy."

My dad set down his fork. That wasn't a good sign. My dad never got involved in these sorts of discussions. They were too confrontational for him. "I agree with your mom."

I was sunk.

"Just because you don't like this boy anymore isn't enough reason to quit."

"Dad!" I didn't want to discuss Heath with my dad! What if he asked what happened at the movies?

"Whatever happened with him anyway?"

"She said he was too slobbery," Marissa said.

"Marissa!" Oh, my gosh. I was going to die.

My mom barely hid her smile, and my dad had a fit of coughing. Oh, great. They thought it was funny? A new low in my social life. My parents laughing at my social life. I'd be the name in the yearbook for the Biggest Loser award.

Why couldn't my parents be normal? Why couldn't they be shocked upon hearing that I thought a boy was slobbery? As if I could be lucky enough that Marissa's comment would freak them out. Did anything shock them? Probably not. They were much too tuned in to the evils of society to be surprised by any of them. They'd do what they could to prevent them, like family dinners and making me wear baggy sweaters, but they certainly weren't going to be surprised.

And, now that I think about it, they were probably glad that the reason I didn't like Heath was because of his kissing. They probably figured I was burned enough that I'd never kiss another guy again until I was fifty.

Well, they were probably right.

I was a social outcast.

"And we aren't going to fire Colin. We promised him an income for three months, and he's going to get it."

Even better. Stuck in the play and Colin would be haunting my barn for another six weeks.

Should have kept Heath and his slobbering. At least then I wouldn't be alone.

* * *

It was two weeks before I was home early enough to see Colin's truck in the driveway. Of course, that was because I'd been staying at school to do my homework on the days I wasn't required to be at rehearsal. No need to be home and think about Colin in my barn with that girl.

Allie was with me, and she bumped into me when I stopped to stare at it.

"Colin's truck," she said.

"Uh-huh."

"Maybe you should go say hello to him."

"Remember what happened last time?" I'd told my friends about the girl in the barn. "No, thanks."

"I'll go check and see if she's here." Before I could stop her, Allie dropped her bag on the ground and ran up the pathway to the barn. She pulled open the door and stuck her head in. Yes, that wasn't at all obvious.

My heart was racing as she jogged back toward me. "He's alone."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh-huh." Allie picked up her bag. "Just pop in and say hello. It's been forever since you've seen him. I'll wait inside."

Without lecturing me once about The Ledge or the Attitude, she walked into my house, leaving me outside with my jangling nerves.

I didn't want to go in. At the same time, I wanted desperately to see him. I missed him. So was I more scared of going in or more desperate to see him?

I thought about Colin and realized I wanted to see him. I had to. What if he'd dumped that girl and was hoping I would come to the barn so he could declare his love? I had to give him that opportunity.

And get my hopes up?

No, I'd go in there as friends. Casual. Get past the tenseness that had been between us at the pizza place that night. Just try to rebuild our friendship.

I took a deep breath.

Okay. I could do this. Just a quick visit. To assess. As friends.

I dragged my leaden feet up the pathway, pausing in the doorway for the sound of female twittering. Silence, except from the sound of a pitchfork bumping against the metal wheelbarrow.

I stepped inside…and didn't see him.

"Colin?"

A clunk and a muttered oath came from the first stall on the left. Ah, the wheelbarrow in the door. Should've noticed that.

I walked over and peered inside. Colin was mucking out the stall, his back to me." Hi, Colin."

"Hi." He didn't turn around.

"How are you?"

"Fine." He still didn't face me.

"So…how's everything?"

"Fine." He dumped a load of manure into the wheelbarrow and looked me. "What do you want?"

"I…" Okay, this wasn't working. All I could think about was how cute he looked in his faded jeans and boots. How I wanted to lean closer and sniff. What it felt like to have him kiss me. And he didn't seem to be having the same feelings about me. "So…Um…that other night at the pizza place…"

"What about it?"

"Was that your girlfriend you were with?"

He leaned on the pitchfork. "She's a girl I'm dating. Why?"

"Um…like, seriously?" The pizza outing was over two weeks ago, and he was still dating her?

That sounded like a serious relationship.

"I'm taking her to homecoming."

Okay, I definitely hated her.

"How's Heath?"

A slobbering fool. "He's…"

"He's what?"

"He's…"How did I admit Heath was a jerk without admitting I'd been a total fool? And did I want to confess I was alone when Colin had just announced how he had a girlfriend? "Heath's great. Just fabulous."

"Oh, really?" He gave me a very odd look. "And how's the kissing going?"

"Ah… He can't tell that I'm a beginner." Which was completely true. Of course, it was because I hadn't let him near me, but there was no reason to admit that to Colin. I had some pride, after all. Especially after his little remarks about how Heath had such wandering hands. I wasn't feeling the urge to tell Colin he'd been right. "So…I guess I'll see you around?"

Colin shrugged. "Sure."

"Um…okay." I turned to leave, but Colin called my name before I got to the door. I turned around, my heart racing. "What?"

"When's your musical?"

"A month from this Friday." Why? Was he going to come watch me?

"So I'll work through that weekend, then?"

Oh. "Sure."

"Great. See ya." Then he turned back to the stall.

I walked away, because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

In fact, all I could think of was that I was most definitely on The Ledge. Hanging by my fingertips. And there was a strong wind. And lots of traffic. And a shortage of spleens.

Being on The Ledge rotted.

So I had to get off.

Now.

But how?

* * *

"You need to find a new man," Allie announced. My friends had stopped by the rehearsal hall with ice cream for me, but even the double fudge chocolate sundae wasn't enough to improve my mood after my sixth day in a row of five hours rehearsals.

"You need to tell Colin how you really feel," Natalie said.

"Ignore Allie and Natalie," Frances said. "Forget boys and read a good book. Or study. When you're twenty-five and raking in the big bucks, men will be falling all over you because you're a successful professional woman. None of them will care how many boys you didn't kiss when you were in high school."

"Thanks for the wonderful advice," I said. "You guys are so much help."

Allie set down her root-beer float. "Blue, listen. We're worried about you. It's been almost a month since you last spoke to Colin, and you're still walking around like there's a big black shadow following you."

"Sorry." I swirled my ice cream and wondered what Colin was doing.

"You guys going to homecoming?" Allie asked.

Oh, like I needed that extra knife in my heart.

"I think we should all go," Natalie said.

"Can we?" Allie asked. "Even though we don't go to your school?"

"You can be our dates," Natalie said. "Right, Blue?"

"I'm not going." How could I go and watch Colin with that girl? Impossible. And Heath was now dating Vladimir's lover. Which was fine. The way those two went at it in the hallways between acts was certainly not for me. And since we were only three days away from the play, I had to be at rehearsal every night to practice my five minutes of stage time.

Fortunately, my friends had shown up tonight to entertain me. Well, Frances had appeared to entertain me. I think Allie and Natalie were checking out the boys in the play and using me as an excuse.

That was fine. They could have all the boys. I was tired of them.

Frances nudged my arm. "Does Theo have a date for homecoming?"

"Theo?"

She nodded, and her cheeks flushed pink. "I mean, not that I care. I was just wondering if the football team all went with each other or if they took dates. Because… Um… I like the quarterback."

"You like the quarterback?" Theo played wide receiver, and I had a feeling Frances was lying. I really needed to sit down with Allie and Natalie and discuss this issue. "Do you have a thing for Theo?"

Her cheeks flamed bright red. "No! You know I don't have time for boys. In fact, I need to be studying right now." She immediately pulled out her pre-algebra book and opened it, burying her nose in its pages.

Okay. I had two choices: I could wallow in my own misery or I could climb out and try to help my friend. Which probably meant trying to distract her with another guy, because Theo just wasn't good enough for her.

But before I could come up with a response, Mr. Howland called me onstage.

Oh, great.

This was the most embarrassing part of my entire life. I had thought it was bad when I'd had to sit alone in the hall watching all the musically talented students practice? Well, three days ago Mr. Howland had decided my humiliation wasn't complete and had innovated a brilliant way to make me feel even more like a fool.

I had to go onstage for the finale with everyone, but I had to stand in the back row where no one could see me, and I had to mouth the words. Mouth the words! There was a band playing music and twenty-five other people singing and I was so bad I had to lip-synch?

Surely that qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.

My only hope, which I'm sure was a complete delusion, was that no one else realized I wasn't singing. He told me in private to lip-synch, so I really hoped that people just thought I was singing quietly.

But there was no way for them to miss that I couldn't dance.

Five foot one and in the back row behind three guys all over six feet tall. How obvious was that?

I hoped my parents realized they'd scarred me for life by making me stay in this musical.

* * *

By the time I got out of my lip-synch practice, my pals were gone. Just me. With a bunch of really talented people.

Heath gave me a cursory nod as I walked by him, at the same time that he was groping his new girlfriend. I felt absolutely nothing watching him with the other girl, except maybe a bit of nausea at the thought that that could have been me.

I waved good-bye to the people in the musical who actually spoke to me, which weren't that many, because with my teeny-tiny part, I hadn't had the opportunity to get to know anyone very well.

I pushed the door open and stepped outside. It was freezing—middle of November and about a hundred degrees below zero in Mapleville.

Well, not quite a hundred below, but close enough.

I walked far enough away from school that no one would see me; then I pulled my stocking cap down over my head and tugged my furry mittens over my hands. Uncool, but warm. And I did have a twenty-minute walk home.

As I started down the street, numerous cars zoomed by. Seniors from the play on their way home. Heath's car went by with the windows already fogged up. Nice.