Pushing Send (28 page)

~*~

I walk into calculus, and Ash sits next to me, “You blew me off.”

“Oh, God, I totally forgot. My dad called and wanted me to visit.”

“It’s all good. Don’t do it again.” She smirks.

We hang out for three weeks after school. It’s basketball season, and Bee and Sky both play, so they are busy, and I am lonely. Ash is actually very cool. A little loose-lipped and boy crazy, but she amuses me.

We talk at school, and she makes fun of herself and often makes faces at those staring at us. She flirts—oh, my goodness does she flirt—though she seems to only flirt with the guys who have girlfriends who are, well, witches.

I feel better around her than anyone else. She didn’t know Lana, so she doesn’t look at me differently. There is no judgment at all.

We are at the pizza shop when a tall, dark-haired boy with spiky, platinum-tipped hair plops down in the booth next to me, and I recognize him as a senior from school.

“Introduce me to your friend, Ash.”

“Hadley, this is my brother Hudson. Hudson, this is Hadley.”

He sticks his hand out, and I shake it. “Double date tomorrow, and just so you know, that’s me and you and Ash and…” He looks at her.

She laughs. “Not sure, but I’ll find someone.”

“Sorry, I don’t date.” I take a sip of my drink.

He gives me a cocky stare. “No, you don’t, not while we’re dating.”

“No, that’s not what I mean.”

“After school tomorrow, you ride with me. If I’m too boring, I will break things off. But I am getting a bad reputation around here already. I need something steady to make me look good, Hadley. You know what it’s like, right? Rumors and crap?” He takes a fry off my tray.

I am about to tell him to take a hike when the waitress comes up with the check, and he throws her a twenty.

“Keep the change,” he says with an arrogant tone.

She blushes, and I want to barf.

He looks back at me. “First date out of the way. See? I’m a damn gentleman. It won’t be awful, I promise. See you tomorrow, Hadley. We’ll skip right to hand holding, and then I will let you call the shots after that. Home by ten, Ash, or you’ll get in trouble and screw up my double date night.”

Before I can say a thing, he is out the door.

“What the hell was that?”

“That, my friend, was the most sought after boy at our last three schools, and I can guarantee he’ll be the same here.” She smiles. “Congrats, you’re girlfriend number one at Blue Valley.”

“Am not,” I snap.

“You so are.” She laughs.

“I never agreed to it,” I whisper.

“You will. He has you in the zone.”

~*~

For two weeks, Hudson is at my locker every morning. He walks me to class, even after I protest. He tells me this will be mutually beneficial, and within days, I believe he is correct.

Tonight is an away game for basketball, so I take the opportunity to accept Hudson’s invitation to what will be our first dinner, just the two of us.

Once I get into his car, he looks at me, “Phone.” He holds out his hand.

“Why?”

“Wanna hear what tunes you’ve got on your playlist.”

I hand it to him, and he plugs it into the auxiliary. He drives around in circles for like thirty minutes, just listening.

When it ends and starts again, he pulls out the cord. “I don’t know how you did it.”

“Did what?”

“Made the most craptastic playlist I’ve ever heard.” He laughs.

“Okay, I can get out right here, thank you.” I reach for the door.

“Sorry, Hadley, but it blew. Who the hell mixes Eminem in with The Band Perry? Nobody.” He laughs harder.

“Not true, I do,” I argue.

“Well, that’s a problem. You need a little less depressed girl crap in your life and a little more I-am-happy-and-Hudson-Rafferty’s-girlfriend smile, which means, you gotta get rid of the shit on that playlist.”

“I’m really not your girlfriend.”

“Yeah, you are.” He pulls his Mitsubishi Eclipse into the parking lot next to the sushi place in front of the mall and gets out. He stands on the sidewalk, turning back to look at me.

When I don’t get out, he rolls his eyes and walks toward the car, opening my door and holding out his hand.

“This is a boyfriend’s move.”

“You are crazy.” I avoid his hand and get out on my own.

As we walk into the restaurant, I hear a resounding, “Happy early birthday!”

I stand there, shocked, looking at him smirking beside me.

“Boyfriend move.”

“Why?” I ask, feeling a little overwhelmed and emotional.

“ ’Cause I kind of like you, Hadley.” He shakes his head and gives me a sincere smile. “You’re gonna smile at me someday,” he says. Then I see he regrets saying that immediately.

He looks away and at the table where Ash and a few of their friends sit. He takes a step, but when I grab his hand, he stops and looks at me.

I lean over and kiss him on the cheek, “Thank you.”

He gives me a quick nod, and then we walk toward the table. While I sit and smile and even laugh, I hold the locket hanging around my neck and think Pax would be happy that I am happy and so would Mom.

~*~

Neither Hudson nor Ash are at school today, and because of the snow, basketball practice is cancelled. Bee and Skylar, who are going to the park to draw, invite me, and I decide to go.

I hop in Bee’s car, and we ride to the park. As soon as we get there, I hop out and sit on the swings. Before I can even think, they are standing in front of me.

“Why are you hanging out with Ashlynn?” Bee asks.

“She’s a cool person,” I say back. Who gets interrogated based on their new friends? A girl like me, that’s who.

“There are rumors that she was pregnant last year!” Sky whispers loudly.

“Rumors, Sky.”

“There’s a different guy at her house every day on the weekend,” Bee scolds

“They’re her friends. Is there something wrong with being friends with guys?”

“Yeah, they’re real close, all right,” Sky mumbles

“Next thing we know, you’ll probably smoke cigs, drink—” Sky cuts Bee off.

“Get STDs!”

I almost laugh at that one. “I’m not doing any of that stuff.”

“Maybe not yet,” Bee gasps. “But Ash’s brother and his friends, her ‘friends,’ are handing them out like the guy at the pizza place does coupons!”

“Every night from five to twelve! Buy one get one free!” Sky adds.

I do laugh at that, and they look at me like I’m insane.

“I was the new kid once. Don’t judge them before you know them.” I look around. “So, just to clarify, you two didn’t plan on drawing in the freezing cold; you just dragged me here to have some sort of intervention about my boyfriend?”

“Your what?!” they both yell at me.

“Yeah, Hudson asked me out, and I said yes. That makes—”

“You can’t be serious,” Bee gasps again.

I walk away from the park and the judgment. I cut through a couple lawns, avoiding being followed by Bee. After about fifteen minutes, they catch up to me in her car.

“You can’t go anywhere without us.” Bee gives me a sad smile.

She’s right. It’s freezing, and I wouldn’t make it to the Cruz’s home for at least an hour, so I hop in the car.

“You are really dating Hudson?” Skylar asks.

“Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

~*~

Skylar is staying the night at the house for a sleepover, and Bee invites me into her room for the night via text.

It’s five p.m. when I walk in. I have never been in her room. How odd is that?

It’s painted light grey and pretty much wallpapered in “fandom” posters: ones of actors and actresses, some of bands, and even a couple of anime, which I know nothing about.

She’s laid out about ten twenty-five-inch pillows, so they cover her deep brown hardwood floor. She pops in
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows,
part one.

As I plop down next to them, they don’t say a word, but they smile.

We watch the first, and then they discuss as Bee changes the movie to part two. I listen and participate as little as possible, though enough to keep them happy. This happens for both movies. It’s nice, and two years ago, I would have debated some of what they say, but I am not that girl anymore.

We crash by midnight, and the next morning, Mrs. Cruz makes us homemade waffles with whipped cream and berries.

It’s my birthday. I dread this day. I haven’t been released to go home yet, so that is weighing on me. I actually eat a little bit, mainly just the whipped cream and berries, but I eat. I am glad they don’t know what today is.

Thankfully, I get to spend the weekend with Dad. I walk into his house, and he tells me my gift is his sobriety and a big fat iTunes card that he hands me. I can’t think of anything better, except maybe being home.

It isn’t long before there is a knock at the door, and my stomach flips. I know it has to be him and not the him who is now my boyfriend, the him who is the best friend I have ever had, regardless of what has happened.

chapter twenty two

Homecoming

“Surprise!” And I am.

It is Bee with an armful of bags.

“What are you doing?” I take two out of her overloaded arms.

“Well, I think that’s part of the surprise,” she laughs, walking past me.

“Hey, Hads.” I turn to see Dad carrying a store bought cake with seventeen candles.

I smile at him. “Totally unnecessary.”

“Come sit.” Dad nods to Bee.

She grins, dropping the bags by the door. “I certainly will.”

I shake my head. “What’s with the bags?”

“Cake first.” She smirks.

I sit down and look at the cake. ‘
Happy Birthday and Welcome Home, Hads
.’

I look at Dad, and he smiles as tears form in his eyes. “Welcome home.”

I choke on my tears. “Really?”

Emotions peak at the most inopportune time. I don’t want them to see me cry. It’s supposed to be a happy day, but it’s not. Two years ago, I pushed her away. Two years ago was the last time I saw her face and heard her voice. Two years ago today, I hurt the person who meant the most to me in my life.

“Really, Hads,” Dad says, smiling and bringing me back to the here and now.

“I need to use the bathroom,” I say, as I spring up from my chair and dart away.

I look in the mirror and watch the tears fall. I have allowed myself to laugh, smile, and think of the good times with Mom. I have a boyfriend—well, sort of—and I would be truly happy with all that if I was a normal seventeen-year-old girl.

But I’m not.

I watch each tear fall and allow myself to feel the pain of the past two years, every ounce of it. I drown and choke on each one. I give in to the pain. I want it, crave it, and I deserve it.

I am still a mess.

I think of the flies and the woman who swallowed them and the madness that followed that one moment.

“Hadley.” I hear a knock, and then the door opens.

I turn away, not wanting Bee to see me like this.

“Hadley.” She tries to hug me.

“Don’t, Bee.”

“Hadley—”

“I don’t want you to see me this way.”

“I’ve seen you, heard you, and I have comforted you. You need to talk to someone. You can’t keep hiding in a hoodie and ear buds.”

“I’m not hiding,” I snap at her.

“You are, and you aren’t healing if you don’t get some help.”

“I don’t need—”

“And neither did Lana, did she?” Bee asks.

I wipe away my tears, “Maybe you should get help. You keep throwing it in my face. I’m sorry she’s dead, Bee. I am so sorry, but she ruined my life, so forgive me if—”

“You’re so angry. You need to talk to someone.”

I look at her, “I don’t need to talk to anyone. I need to be alone.”

“You’ve been alone. You’ve shut everyone out. You—”

“Not everyone,” I huff.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just what I said. Not everyone.”

“Okay, now you’re trying to push me away, and as your friend, I am going to walk out of here with you, eat the cake your father bought, sing ‘Happy Flippin’ Birthday’ if need be, and then go home and wait for you to come to me, because it kind of sucks trying so hard to be a friend when the person isn’t even trying to be yours.”