Pushing Send (17 page)

She gives me a sad smile and nods. “Thank you,” she says. “Let’s take your tray back.”

~*~

I lie in my bed, reading the letters from Bee and Skylar. Bee tells me she is sorry I am here. She also says she gave my mom some books to bring when she visits next, and she hopes we can correspond via mail about the books.

Skylar’s is much shorter. She, too, is sorry. She wishes me the best and would like to believe she knows who I truly am and that I would never intend to hurt Lana. She is struggling and misses us both very much.

I go to dinner with my unit and eat as I see Mrs. Keller and the nurse watching to make sure I am.

That night, I lie in bed and try to sleep, but I can’t. Everything about today weighs on me heavily: the lawyer; knowing my mother has no work; knowing Pax is hurting; Skylar is hurting; and Bee is trying to support me in her own way, but she is also hurting.

I roll to my side and count the bricks on the wall. Sheep are too sweet, too pure, and too innocent to be invited behind the razor wire here at Tryon, a place where criminals like me are contained so they cannot hurt anyone else.

There was a young girl who committed a crime. I don’t know why she committed a crime. Perhaps she’ll fry
, I think to myself.

A crime that really isn’t defined, but it will be in order to make an example to the rest of the world of bullies.

I never liked bullies, never liked drama, always kept to myself until I didn’t, until I was so embarrassed by my mother that I ran to the yard of a stranger to make fun of my mom in order to make myself feel better. The stranger who made me laugh and feel less like a freak is now dead. Her moment of kindness to me caused her death, her moment of kindness to a freak, an unsociable girl, a girl who should have never laughed behind her mother’s back. A mother whose kindness and caring to other people and animals trumped her happiness, or did it cause her happiness?

My head spins, and my stomach aches as I continue to try to figure it out in my mind.

There was a young girl who tried to fit in. I don’t know why she tried to fit in. Perhaps she’ll fry.

There was a young girl who made a video to please the host. I don’t know why she tried to fit in. Perhaps she’ll fry.

There was a young girl who erased the post of the video she made to please the host. She made the video to try to fit in. I don’t know why she tried to fit in. Perhaps she’ll fry.

There was a young girl who went to school. She tried to act normal to please her folks after deleting the post. I don’t know why she tried to fit in. Perhaps she’ll fry.

There was a young girl who broke just one rule. She broke a rule so she could save face because she committed a crime by making a video to please the host. She dropped the phone and is said to have pressed send. She ruined a friend. I don’t why she ruined a friend. Perhaps she’ll fry.

I try to allow my eyes to close, but when I do, I see Lana lying in Paxton’s arms as he cries.

Perhaps I should fry.

~*~

I watch through the shatterproof glass as my mother comes in for her visit. She smiles at Redder, who doesn’t return the smile.

I want to smack that bitch. Yes, I said bitch. The woman is pure evil. She derives pleasure from making other people feel like crap. I know she does. She is a damn bully.

Mom walks in after she has been berated by the bitch standing guard, but she has a smile on her face. I stand when she walks in, and she hugs me tightly, then quickly pushes me back.

“Let me look at you.” She smiles as she inspects me from head to toe. “No bruises, phew,” she says with sigh. “You look better, so much better. Tell me what’s gone on this week. Every detail.”

“Hi, Mom,” I say as I sit, and she sits next to me.

She looks at me adoringly. “Hi, sweet girl.”

It takes me only a moment to break the silence since, at this moment, she appears to have taken a breath. “I moved units. I’m in the Guidance Unit. There is much more freedom.”

“Oh, good, I am so glad.”

I nod. “There aren’t as many issues.” I pause, realizing she is hanging on to every word as if it’s her lifeline, and I know it is. “I really think Mrs. Keller believes me. She even said she’d go to court for me.”

“Oh, good, that’s wonderful.”

“I … um …” I pause because what more is there to talk about? Every day is the same. I say nothing to anyone.

“Friends?” she asks.

I allow myself to smile. “Do you really want me to make friends in here, Mom?”

She looks around the room and smirks. “Well, maybe some of the girls are in here due to circumstances like you.”

“Right.” I nod. I dig deep, needing to give her something. Regardless of what everyone else thinks, I am not a criminal or a liar, and I don’t want my “circumstance” to turn me into one, either. “There is a girl who seems nice, Seanna. She’s quiet, but if I had to pick someone to be friends with in here, I would pick her.”

“Well, see, there’s some sunshine.”

“Yes.” I nod. “I got a couple letters.”

“From?”

“Bee and Skylar wrote.” I leave out Pax. It’s a lie of sorts, though not really.

“Right.” She smiles. “I gave the guard there a bag. She is looking through it now. It’s just some approved items on the list in the parents’ orientation booklet.”

The way she says orientation booklet makes me think of a camp of sorts. Sunshine and positivity is what Pammy Asher brings to the table, and it’s needed now more than ever.

“They said they would bring it in after it’s searched. I brought some scrunchies, a brush, an MP3 player loaded with music I thought you’d like—”

“An MP3 player?”

She smiles. “Before iPhones, they were the gadget to have. It’s hard to find anything that doesn’t connect to Wi-Fi now, but I did.”

“Mom, I know what they are, but you really shouldn’t have.”

“Of course I should have. I also brought a stuffed animal, one that looks like Yolo, and a few notepads without metal. I know you must want to write.”

“Mom, I don’t have a stuffed animal that looks like Yolo,” I say.

“You do now. It’s one of those really soft and fluffy ones, too. Beautiful, almost as good as the real thing.”

“Please tell me you had it declawed,” I say with a smirk.

She laughs, like really laughs, and then I see tears welling. “I did.”

I hug her tightly. “I love you, Mom, and appreciate it, but honestly, I am fine. Please don’t spend any more money on me.”

“Well, we had some extra,” she says, kissing my cheek.

“The lawyer said you went to Buffalo for work. I know there isn’t extra.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. There is enough to pay him and buy you a lovable version of Yolo.”

“Did you rob a bank?” I laugh.

“No, I took some money out against the house.”

“Mom,” I huff.

“Don’t you fuss, sweet girl. Plus, your dad is going to find work soon.” She smiles. “It’ll all be fine.”

chapter twelve

One month later …

Three days after Mom’s visit, Seanna is moved to G Unit.

“Are you nervous?” Seanna asks as she braids my hair so tightly I know my eyes are slanting.

“I would be lying if I said no. I’m actually terrified. I just want out of here,” I whisper, knowing we shouldn’t be talking about “community” things.

“I will miss you, but I want you to be released, too,” she says with a sincere, yet sad tone.

“You’ll be next to walk out of here. I know you will, Seanna,” I whisper back.

“No, I’m here for two years, minimum. That’s what the court-appointed lawyer told me.”

“You don’t deserve to be in here.”

“I took a life,” she whispers.

“He stole something from you, too, Seanna,” I say louder as I turn to look at her. “Besides, you’re pregnant. You’ll have to get out in less than eight months.”

“No, the baby will go into foster care, maybe get adopted.”

“But you said you might want to keep it.”

“When I think of this child and me, I believe I can do it. When I think that it is part my rapist’s, I don’t know.” Tears fall from her eyes. “It’s not the baby’s fault, and I think he or she deserves parents who aren’t murderers.”

“You did what you had to do to survive.”

“A life is a life. I took one. How do I deserve—”

“You’re the one always saying God forgives. Well, I know he has forgiven you, and he gave you a child, Seanna.”

“Poor kid.” She smiles as she rubs her tiny, flat belly.

“Well, whatever you decide—”

“Whatever God leads me to decide,” she corrects in a very soft, yet firm voice.

“That, too.” I smile. “Whatever it is will be best for you both.”

“Ten minutes, Hadley,” YDA Austin yells over to me from her seat.

“You look as white as…” Seanna smiles. “Well, you’re always white, but even whiter now. You’ll be fine.” She frowns. “I don’t want to see you back here.”

“Do you promise me you’ll keep reading?” I whisper, as she tightens the braid and then fastens the end with a hair tie.

“I will try,” she says, as she sits back.

“No trying, doing. You are doing great.”

“Thanks to you.” She nods to me.

I have been teaching Seanna to read, and she’s been doing so well. She lacks confidence, though. I can understand, but reading, which I don’t allow myself to do for pleasure anymore, can open a whole new world for her.

“No, you wanted to learn, and it gave me the excuse I needed to allow myself to enjoy one thing in this place. You’re that one thing, Seanna. Remember, I live in—”

“Pleasant Valley,” she jokes.

“Blue Valley,” I whisper. “When you get out, just call anyone in that town. Lord knows they all know me.”

“Pray with me?” She grabs my hands, and I try to pull away, not wanting to get in trouble, but she holds tight. “God, please watch over Hadley. Help her through the darkness and into truth’s light. Guide the judgments of those who seek to pass it when we believers know only You can judge. Let her release be in Your glory. Amen.”

“Amen.”

“Amen.” I look up to see Mrs. Keller. “Okay, Hadley, let’s go.”

~*~

At one o’clock, we pull up in front of the Tompkins County courthouse, and Mrs. Keller looks in the back of the van. My eyes meet hers, and she swallows hard.

“Focus right here, Hadley. Eyes on me.”

“There’s—”

“I know, but right here, right now, it’s you, me, and Mr. Keller.” She opens the door and gets out of the van, then opens the slider and gets in next to me before shutting the door. “I’m going to unshackle you,” she says, as she shrugs off her sweater. “This will go over your wrist cuffs.”

“Why are they all here?” My voice shakes.

She looks up from my ankles and smiles. “Who?”

“All those people, the news cameras, the—”

“You, me, and Mr. Keller. The three of us. Do not let them shake you. Do you hear me?” I nod. “Good. Now, do you remember what Seanna said right before you left?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Play that over and over in your head when we walk inside. Head up, focused forward, no smiling, no—”

“Mrs. Keller,” Mr. Keller warns.

“Isaiah, I’ve got this,” she snaps at him.

“Netta,” he snaps back, “keep your professionalism in place.”

She looks at me and rolls her eyes.

“Aren’t you his boss?”

She nods, “But he’s my husband.” She throws the ankle restraints on the floor. “Me, you, and him.”

As soon as I am out of the van, I hear the chants.

“Justice for Lana! Justice for Lana!” and “No more bullies! No more bullies!”

I try to focus ahead, try to let Seanna’s words calm me, but when I look right, I see my classmates, their parents, some teachers, and then I look left and meet the eyes that once calmed me.

My breaths become ragged and harder to catch. “Come on, Hadley, not much farther,” Keller says, as he gently takes my elbow. “Let’s go.”

I nod and try my best to ignore it all, but it consumes me. Before I realize it, we are inside, and I am sitting on a wooden bench, trying to catch my breath.

“Sweetheart.” I hear my mom’s voice, then feel her arms surround me. “We’re here. Dad and I are here.”

“Dad,” I gasp.

“Hey, Hads.” He squats down in front of me. “I’m here, ready to take you home. I have a surprise for you.”