Purity (64 page)

She had as much body fat as a Shaker chair, her periods were a thing of the past, and whole seasons came and went in which the closest I came to fucking her was Ruben's imagination, but this didn't stop us from discussing a potential baby. She wanted to have a family with me, but first she had to finish her project, reclaim her body, and achieve a success to match or exceed my own; otherwise she'd be stuck at home with diapers while I had my splendid male career. I didn't see how we could wait for her to finish—she hadn't even looked at much of her hundred hours of raw footage, let alone begun to edit it, and at the rate she was proceeding she'd still be filming at seventy—but I couldn't point this out without stoking her panic. All I could do was try to calm her, so that she could get on with the contemplation and filming of her genitals.

For our eighth anniversary, after my first sale of an article to
Esquire
, I prevailed on Anabel to come to Italy with me. We'd never had a honeymoon, and I thought that Europe might revive us. The trip was touristically successful—we had the Gothic sculpture of Tuscany and the ancient ruins of Sicily to ourselves—but Anabel got hunger headaches every afternoon, and every evening I had to accompany her on three-hour power walks in the dark, our abdomens cramping while we scouted for a restaurant filled with locals, because this was our honeymoon and she needed her one meal of the day to be a great one.

We returned to New York determined to make our own Sicilian-style spaghetti with fried eggplant and tomatoes, a dish so delicious that we wanted to eat it twice a week. Which we did, for several months. And here was the thing: I didn't get sick of it slowly. I got sick of it suddenly, radically, and permanently while eating a plateful whose first bites I'd enjoyed as much as ever. I set down my fork and said we needed a break from fried eggplant and tomatoes. The dish was perfect and delicious and not to blame. I'd made it poison to me by eating too much of it. And so we took a monthlong break from it, but Anabel still loved it, and one very warm evening in June I came home and smelled her cooking it.

My stomach heaved.

“We overdid it,” I said from the kitchen doorway. “I can't stand it anymore.”

Symbolism was never lost on Anabel. “I'm not spaghetti with eggplant, Tom.”

“I'm literally going to throw up if I stay here.”

She looked frightened. “All right,” she said. “But will you come back later?”

“I will, but something has to change.”

“I agree. I've been having thoughts.”

“Good, I'll come back later.”

I ran down five flights of stairs and over to the 125th Street station with no plan, no friend good enough to go and confide in, just a need to get away. There was, in those years, a ragged band of funk musicians who busked irregularly on the station's downtown platform. Always a bass player and guitarist, often a drummer with a trap set that looked rescued from a dumpster, sometimes a singer with gold teeth and a soiled sequined dress. Only the singer ever interacted with their audience, the others seemed wrapped up in painful private histories from which the music was a momentary respite. The guitarist knew how to pitch a groove above the rumble of the trains and not let up on it, no matter how he sweated.

That evening they were a trio. Dollar bills had collected in an open guitar case, and I threw in a bill and retreated up the platform with the respect incumbent on the white in Harlem. I've since searched, to no avail, for the song they were playing. Maybe it was their own song, never recorded. It had a simple minor-seventh riff that spoke of beauty amid incurable sadness, and in my recollection they played it for twenty minutes, half an hour, long enough for many local and express trains to come and go. Finally there came a perfect storm of drafts from uptown and downtown, a big humid uric wind that swept the platform and then reversed itself, and reversed itself again, so that the dollar bills came levitating out of the guitar case and drifted up and down the platform like leaves in autumn, tumbling and skidding, while the band played on. It was perfectly beautiful and perfectly sad, and everybody on the platform knew it, nobody bent down to touch the money.

I thought of my suffering Anabel, alone in the apartment. I saw my life and walked back up the stairs.

She was standing right inside our front door as if she'd been expecting me. “Will you help me?” she said immediately. “I know that something has to change, and I can't do it without you. Will you look at what I'm doing and tell me what I'm not seeing?”

“Just don't make me eat any more fried eggplant,” I said.

“I'm serious, Tom. I need your help.”

I agreed to help her. We went into her workroom, which had long been off limits to me, and she shyly showed me some impressive film clips. An underexposed black-and-white close-up of a “cut” on her left thigh which she'd hand-doctored to create the impression of dark ocean swells. An imperfectly synched but very funny monologue on kneecaps. A disturbing montage of subway-platform footage intercut with her corpse-white big toe tagged with her name, as if to suggest that she'd thought about jumping in front of a train. I was so warmly encouraging that she opened her notebooks for me.

These had always been strictly private, and it was a measure of her desperation that she let me see them, because they weren't the elegantly lettered and story-boarded pages I'd imagined. They were a diary of torment. Entry after entry began with a daily to-do list and devolved into increasingly illegible self-diagnoses. Then she'd start a fresh page with a neat chart of film cuts, fill in only the first few squares, and then scribble revisions to them, and then cross out the revisions and scribble new ones in the margins, with lines connecting various thoughts and key points triple-underlined; and then she'd draw a big angry X through the entire thing.

“I know it doesn't look like it,” she said, “but there are
good ideas
in here. This looks like it's crossed out, but it's not really crossed out, I'm still thinking about it. I have to leave it crossed out because otherwise it puts too much pressure on me. What I really need to do is go through all the notebooks”—there were at least forty of them—“and then try to keep everything in my head and make a clear plan. It's just that there's so
much
. I'm not crazy. I just need some way to organize it that doesn't put too much pressure on me.”

I believed her. She was smart and had good ideas. But, leafing through those notebooks, I could see that she had no chance of finishing her project. She, who for so long had seemed all-powerful to me, wasn't strong enough. I felt responsible for having failed to intervene sooner, and now, even though I was sick of the marriage to the point of heaving, I couldn't leave until I'd helped her out of the stuck place I'd allowed her to fall into. The marriage I'd hoped would lead me out of guilt had led me only deeper in.

And yet: guilt must be the most monstrous of human quantities, because what I did to relieve my guilt then—stay in the marriage—was precisely the thing I felt guiltiest about later, when the marriage was over. After the night of spaghetti and eggplant, as if she'd seen for the first time that I might leave her, she began to speak of a date, eighteen months in the future, when she and I could set about having a little baby girl (she never imagined a boy). The idea was partly to give herself a goal and deadline for advancing her project above her abdomen, but she was also trying, for my sake, to be more realistic; we couldn't wait forever to get pregnant. I could see that a baby might be just what we needed, a baby might save us, but I could also see that I was likely to be doing the bulk of the child care as long as her project was unfinished. And so, whenever she brought up the baby question, I changed the subject to her project. Whether I wanted her to hurry up and finish it so that we could share the care of a baby, or whether I just wanted her to be OK enough that I could safely divorce her, I honestly can't remember. But I do know that I could summon up the sickening smell of fried eggplant simply by thinking of it. If I'd heeded my stomach and cut her loose, she might have had time to find someone else to have her baby with.

“Bold proposal,” I'd said in her workroom, the morning after the spaghetti night. “You increase the size of your ‘cuts' by a factor of ten. I can help you plan the whole thing, I can draw it out for you so it's not all in your head. And then you do it in two years and you're done.”

She shook her head dismissively. “I can't change the size of the cuts halfway in.”

“But if you make them ten times bigger, you can redo the whole leg in two months. You can cherry-pick the best nonbody shots you already have.”

“I'm not throwing away eight years of work!”

“But it's not even finished work.” I gestured toward her towers of processed but unopened film boxes. “You need to do whatever it takes to be finished.”

“You know I've never finished anything in my life.”

“Good time to start, don't you think?”

“
I know what I'm doing
,” she said. “What I need your help with isn't throwing away eight years of work. It's helping me organize the ideas I
already have
. And it was obviously a mistake to ask you. Oh! Oh! I'm so stupid.”

She beat her fists on her offending head. It took me two hours to talk her down and then a further hour to emerge from the sulk she'd put me in by suggesting that my aesthetic was vulgar. Then, for three hours, I helped her block out a rough schedule for completing her project, and then, for another hour, I began the transfer of important thoughts from the first of her forty-odd notebooks into a new notebook, written by me. Then it was time for her three hours of exercise.

We had many days like this in the year that followed. For ten hours I worked out sequences for her, sequences that seemed to me totally doable, only to hear her say, when it was time for her to exercise, that we seemed to be making my journalistically organized film, not her film, which led to another day of discussion in which she tried to describe the sequences
she
wanted, and I couldn't follow her overall logic, and she explained it all again, and I still couldn't follow it, and it was time for her to exercise. I cut back on my own work, passing up an opportunity to follow the Dukakis campaign for
Rolling Stone
, and I was losing friends the way addicts do, by canceling dates at the last minute. We'd entered the squalid maintenance phase of our addiction, not a particle of pleasure in the morning, just a sick sense of unresolved issues from the day before. It went on and on and on and would have gone on even longer if my mother hadn't gotten a death sentence.

She called, unusually, on a weekday afternoon. “Oh, this terrible body of mine,” she said. “It's given me nothing but trouble, and now it's going to kill me. Tom, I'm so sorry. I'm letting you down, I'm letting Cynthia down, I'm letting everyone down. Dr. Van Schyllingerhout has been so patient with me, he's tried so hard, he says I'm one of the reasons he won't retire. He's almost eighty, Tom, and still seeing patients. I'm such a disappointment to you all. But your dumb old mother has
cancer
.”

More pitiable even than her cancer was her impulse to apologize for it. I probed her news for a silver lining, but apparently there wasn't one. She'd simply had rotten luck. Because the steroids had put her at high risk for cancer, Dr. Van Schyllingerhout had been giving her biennial colonoscopies, but the cancer must have appeared immediately after her previous one. In two years it had spread beyond her colon and was likely inoperable. They were going to open her up to relieve her blockage, blast her with radiation, and then do further surgery to see what could be salvaged, but the prognosis was poor.

“I'll be there tomorrow,” I said.

“Tom, I'm so sorry. I hate to burden you with this. I want to live to see you happy and successful. But this dumb old body of mine, always the same dumb thing…”

I walked into Anabel's workroom and sat down and cried. Anabel later told me that my tears had terrified her—she was afraid I'd come in to say I couldn't live with her anymore—but once I gave her the news she put her arms around me and cried with me. She even offered to come to Denver.

“No,” I said, drying my face. “You stay here. This will be good for both of us.”

“That's what I'm worried about,” she said. “That I'm going to work better without you, and you're going to be happier without me. And that'll be the end of us. You'll think, Why am I with this crazy woman who can't do her work? And I'll remember how much better I worked when I got to be alone all the time.” She began to cry again. “I don't want to lose you.”

“You won't lose me,” I said. “It's just some time apart.”

The argument I made to her, and to myself, was that we needed to reconstruct our separate identities in order to go on together. I genuinely believed this, but my reasons for believing it were bad. I was postponing for as long as possible the guilt of abandoning her. I was also hoping, unrealistically, that she might spare me from this guilt by being the one to leave.

In a hospital corridor in Denver, while my mother was in post-op, I conferred with Dr. Van Schyllingerhout. He was a compassionate-eyed bald man with an aquiline nose. He'd been good to my mother, but he was unmistakably
pissed off
about her cancer. “The surgeon is unhappy,” he said in an accent less like Leonard's than I'd remembered. “He wanted to take more, but your mother is adamant about not wanting a stoma. It's a quality-of-life choice we have to respect. She doesn't want the bag. But you hate to tie a surgeon's hands. Her chances are worse now.”

“How bad?”

He shook his head, pissed off. “Bad.”