Purgatorium (50 page)

“Don’t call him for me though. Do this for yourself,” I say while handing her the glass. She gives me an unwanted look. A look I haven’t seen from her in years. Almost as if..

“I’m sorry,” Madi replies, putting the glass down on the table. “I have all that I need in life right here. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Suddenly, I hear voices whispering again in my head. “She thinks she’s better than you. She feels pity towards you. She feels like you are holding her back. She thinks you’re a failure.” I try to concentrate, to make the voices disappear, but they only get louder! Frustrated, I can’t hold it in any longer.

“Stop being stupid with your life!” I explode. “If you don’t do this, I’ll always feel like I kept you from being someone great!”

“I’m not going through this again with you,” Madi replies calmly. “Not in front of Anna.”

Her calmness only fuels my fire. “You’re hurting her most of all!” I roar. “You’re teaching her not to strive for something, not to be anybody! Is that what you want?”

Madi takes Anna’s hand. “Go wait in daddy’s office. I’ll be there soon.” Anna, not understanding and frightened by my shouting, takes her snow globe and walks into my office, looking back behind her.

“Why don’t you understand I’m fine where we are?” Madi asks, remaining calm.

“Fine? How can you be fine? We can’t even rub two pennies together! We are barely making rent. We shop at the dollar market to get by. You can’t get a job because we can’t afford a babysitter! And guess what? I just lost my job! So now, we are even more in debt! We are always in debt! And the one thing you could possibly do to get us out of this hellhole, you don’t even do!!” I say, angrily.

“It’s always about the money, isn’t it?” replies Madi, raising her voice a little. “I don’t think it’s me you’re mad at for not following a path that will lead to bigger and better things! It’s yourself!”

I stand there, full of hate, knowing she’s right. She turns to gather up the presents. All I can think about doing is slapping her. Whispers enter my head again. “She deserves it.” They scream out at me, “DO IT!” Shaking, I bring my hand back behind, ready to slap Madi.

“Mommy?” Anna says, her head peeking out from inside my office. Horrified at myself, I take down my hand. Madi looks back up. “What is it?”

Anna continues, “Daddy’s car looks like a snow cone!”

“Let’s go look!” says Madi, smiling at Anna. She walks over next to Anna, takes her hand, and turns back to me, “Come, let’s look. For her.”

I follow them into my office and over to the window. They look out, down at my car. It is completely covered in a thick blanket of snow. “Is Daddy going to ride with us?” Anna asks, smiling up at me.

Madi looks at me.
Does she know I almost tried to hit her?
I wonder. She nods to me. Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she is just upset about the fight? Yea, that’s it.

I pick Anna up, smiling, and say, “Of course, honey!” I look at Madi. “You two head down and Anna can look at the big Christmas tree in the lobby! There are even some candy canes on the lower branches, but don’t take too many!”

I put Anna down and she grabs Madi’s hand and the two walk out of the office, carefully picking up the still playing record player. I follow. The doors open, Anna and Madi walk in. I smile at them as the doors close.

If I just keep drinking, I think, I’ll make it through this. Images of myself on top of that random woman, her red dress on the floor, flash through my mind. I take another long swig of the whiskey. Looking in the drawer, I find the paper bag the Macallan box was in, put the bottle inside the bag, and walk out to the elevator. The doors open as I take another gulp. I get in and ride down, chugging the bottle as I go.

“Tastes like heaven, doesn’t it?” I hear Sealtiel say.

I look over and Sealtiel is standing inside the elevator with me.

“Don’t worry, only you can see me. Your memory self just keeps drinking the rest of the ride down, mumbling to himself. So I thought it best to come aboard the stage for a little.”

I try to move my hand but as I do, the other side of me takes over and pours another shot of whisky down my throat.

“Try not to move, you idiot! It’s already bad enough I am here. The Valkyrie is always watching, remember? We can’t change a thing or it’s both of our hides.”

I listen as words are suddenly forced out of my mouth. “I can’t believe I got fired,” I say, laughing to myself. My eyes are being forced away from Sealtiel and focus on the elevator’s layout. I see that it is surrounded by mirrors. Just like the elevator to my office in the other world. I look at my reflection and spit on it.

Sealtiel jumps back into my eyesight. “Okay, we need to hurry. Remember, there are two ways of getting past said 42:02 problem. One, by running the clock, beating the marked time. The other, by finding the three things needed to make you whole again. To have your equilibrium in tact you need to figure out the mind, the body, and the soul. By finding out who you want to be and knowing your number one sin, you will achieve both mind and body. Once you find your true name, it will lead to your soul. Only then will you be able to take back control so the next time you won’t let the music drive you back to this place. The reason why I am here is to help you take back control of yourself in this place first. It will be an easier transition. First, gain control of your mind. Remember all those times you hear those demons, sitting in your mind, whispering at ya? Now look who is in the thinking chair. You are!”

Sealtiel leans over and yells in my ear, “Check one two! Check! If you can hear me think back to me this, ‘Peter piper picked a pepper,’ ten times fast.”

I force my thoughts back to the front.
I am not doing that
, I think back to him.

“Good to hear that you haven’t lost your dignity just yet, moving on! Second, gain control of your body. Try giving me a low five.”

Sealtiel brings his hand out, palm up. I look at my hand and try to force it up. It is moving at a snail’s pace as Sealtiel starts to get irritated. “Come on, Thelma! Get your old raggedy bones up. Remember what I taught you! How about when your demon took control and forced you to almost hit Madi just earlier?! Are you saying that a demon can do it and not you? You are not the controlee, you are the controller. This is your body. Now take control of it.”

I can do this, I think. I force my hand higher, thinking how my mind and body are the same, connected as one. My hand goes straight in the air almost like a Nazi salute. Sealtiel looks up to it. “Okay, Hitler, now bring down the heat and smoke this skin.”

The elevator suddenly stops on another floor. Sealtiel is gone. The doors open. A man appears standing there in shock as he looks at me with my Nazi hand sign still raised in the air.

I try and make my hand go back down. He looks at me and probably is thinking I have some kind of a mental disorder or part of a sick cult.

He nervously nods to me and gets in, pressing the Lobby button. I look over and see Sealtiel is back right beside me.

“Don’t worry. Remember he can’t see me. I am still waiting,” Sealtiel says to me, extending his hand towards me again.

The struggle is real as I slowly force my hand to Sealtiel’s palm. I watch the man inside the elevator looking over, confused. I finally make it to the edge of Sealtiel’s palm.

Sealtiel takes his hand back. “I would say too slow but it’s pretty obvious.”

I see the elevator is nearing the lobby floor. “All that is left is soul. Go on. Talk to me. Open your mouth and say anything. Doesn’t matter what you have to say. Release that R&B soul out of ya!”

I force my mouth open. My unknown elevator passenger looks over at me with my mouth still opened wide and gives me a ‘what is the matter with you,’ look. I turn my head, exposing my wide mouth to him. Feeling uncomfortable he says, “Are you okay?”

Sealtiel gets in his face, “What are you looking at? Turn your Jheri curl butt around.”

The man, not seeing or hearing Sealtiel, continues to look at me. I try taking control of my body again and turn my head but I accidentally pass gas instead. The man scoots over away from me.

Sealtiel, ashamed, looks over to me. “We need to hurry this up before the Valkyrie starts catching a whiff of what you just did to this poor man.” I make a gargling noise come out of my mouth. The man, feeling extremely uncomfortable, moves a step up in front of me.

“Just like how you did it in your nightmares. Take control! Come on, the elevator is stopping. Concentrate and move your lips.”

My nightmares? I was never in control of anything in my nightmares?

Sealtiel looks at me strangely and says, “You’re out of time.” Suddenly the elevator doors open and he is gone. I force my thoughts back inside and let go of the controls.

Out of the haze, I begin to see clearly. I am shocked to realize that I made it so quickly down the elevator. It usually takes five minutes to get back down here from my office.

I look at the man in front of me, wondering when he got in.

I must have been really out of it.

I look down at my bottle and think to myself that I have had enough for tonight. I step out, wave to the security guard, and make my way through the sliding doors.

I step outside and the cold weather hits me like a sledge hammer. I make my way to the car and remember the alcohol bottle still in my hand. I stop and pop open the trunk. To my surprise, inside I see a pink bicycle with a basket around it. I quickly shut the trunk thinking it was a gift Madi put in there for Anna from me. She thought I would forget to give her something like I did last Christmas.
Well don’t I feel lucky having a wife to pick up after me,
I think with distaste in my mouth.

The wind blows hard against me as I get into the driver’s seat and close the door. Snow pelts the windshield. I turn the key and can barely see the other side of the street. I accelerate slowly and do a U-turn. I stop in front of my office building. Madi and Anna run out the front doors and across the sidewalk to the car.

I begin to feel as if I have done this before. I look down at my coin necklace and remember how I know. I remove the coin necklace, hanging it on the rearview mirror. This is how my nightmare started, I think.

The rear passenger side door opens and Anna climbs in. Madi closes it behind her and then gets in the front passenger side door. I look at them and know it was never a dream. Madi pulls the door shut. The sound echoes through the car. I start the ignition and flip on the light. The car lights shine on a silver bumper in front of us that reflects back to me, as if blinding me from the terror that I know will eventually come next.

45 Minutes

I open my eyes to find myself lying on the floor in the subway car. Sealtiel is nowhere to be seen. The bottle of Macallan rests in front of me. I look up at the electronic message board and see the train is nearing my stop. The overhead lights blink on and off, and the doors open. I stand up and walk out, reaching for my logbook in my jacket. It’s gone.

Sealtiel must have taken it from me, I think angrily. Feeling more down about myself, I sense a craving building inside of me.

I look back at the bottle, still lying on the subway floor. I know I shouldn’t take it with me. I know it was one of the reasons that got me here in the first place. I know if I hadn’t drank it that night I would have been more cautious. But knowing all that still doesn’t change my mind. I quickly rush over to the bottle just when the doors are about to close. I scoop it up and slide my body out before they could close me in.

Staring at the bottle only makes my decision worse, and yet I still don’t have the courage to leave it. I am untangling back to my true nature which scares me half to death.

I walk up the stairs and out of the subway station. With no thought, just silence, I walk.

I turn the corner and head toward the bridge. I look up and see a tornado on the other side of the dam. I stand there and wonder about how I was the one responsible for killing my family. Thunder and lightning strike in the distance in front of me. I continue walking, making my way over the bridge.

I can’t wallow in self-pity anymore, I think to myself. That isn’t going to help me get out of here. Maybe Sealtiel is right about me. What am I worth?

I feel my jacket and remember the book I forgot to finish unlocking. I take out the logbook and put in the rotary dial GREED. Nothing unlocks.