Pure as the Lily (12 page)

How is he? “

“He’s in a bad way, a very bad way “ It was your da that did it, wasn’t it? “ Tes. “

“I know about your da. Ben’s always spoken well of him. But not about your mother; your mother’s a tarter by all I can make out, and no better than she should be, and not as good as she could be. And I know about you an’ all; he often spoke about you.”

Mary stared at the woman. Ben had never mentioned his cousin Annie but once. He had gone off in the van sometimes on a Wednesday afternoon and taken a box of groceries with him, without saying where he was going. But then, when she came to think about it, they’d never had much time to talk, not until that night, the night he had waltzed her round the room. It had all started that night with The Blue Danube.

“I’m not going to interfere and don’t think I’m pushin” the thin finger was wagging up into her face now

‘but I’ll come across now and again

and look after this one’—she bounced the child on her knee ‘to give you a break. Have you anybody else comes in? “

“Mrs. McArthur, she’s very good. But I’d be grateful if you would.”

“I’m not interfering, mind.”

“I know. Oh, I know.”

“But the shop’ll have to be kept going. At a time like this he could lose custom. Not that we need worry about that so much, but it’s always well to have more than one iron in the fire. Well, there’s the bell going, get yourself down.”

“Yes, yes.” She turned from the little woman. She should feel annoyed, vexed at the abruptness of her, but she wasn’t;

strangely, she felt she was going to be a comfort.

She wasn’t to realize for many years that some comforts could be mixed blessings, and that all, everything must be paid for.

it was nine o’clock on Sunday morning when there was a knock on the back door. When Mary opened it Jimmy slunk into the yard and, closing the door quickly behind him, stood with his back to it and looked up at her.

“I’m on me way to me Grandma McAlister’s,” he said, ‘but. but I wanted to see you for a minute. “ They stared at each other.

“How are you?”

“Awful, Jimmy.”

“Have you seen me da?”

“No, I’m goin’ this afternoon, after I’ve been to the hospital.”

“Is Mr. Tollett... is he going to die? They’re saying he’s going to die.”

“When I phoned last night he was a little better, quite comfortable they said.”

“Aw’—he drew in a sharp, short breath “ I miss you. “

“And me you.”

He looked down at his boots.

“I’m goin’ to help Grandma McAlister bring her things; she’s ... she’s coming to stay for a while.” Mary said nothing to this but looked at Jimmy gulping on his spittle as if to get over an obstruction in his throat; then, his eyes cast down, he said, The ma’s awful, going on all the time, like mad, Mary. “ He was looking up at her now.

“I’d watch out.”

“What d’you mean?”

“She keeps sayin’ what she’s going to do to you.”

“She can’t do anything to me.”

‘you never know. You know something? “ He gulped again.

“I heard me grannie telling me gran da that she egged me da on, she told him he had to go and smash Mr. Tollett up, and smash up his shop an’ all. She egged him on, screamed at him.”

“She did?”

“Aye.”

“Oh, me ma! She’s wicked. Jimmy.”

“Aye, I know. I wish I could come and live with you, Mary.”

“Aw, Jimmy, Jimmy, be quiet. I... I don’t know how long I’ll be livin’ here me self If anything happens to Ben I’ll have to go to me grannie’s.”

“I wish I could come with you to me grannie’s.”

Well, you know you can’t, you’ve got to be educated. That’s her mania, educating you. “

“I know, and I don’t want it I don’t, really I don’t, Mary.” She shook her head and looked down at the square paving-stones in the yard, then at the boxes lining the walls, as if searching for an answer to her thoughts, and she almost said. It was to get you clothes for school that she came here

Ql

in the first place, so you’ve got to stay there. But she knew that wasn’t right; she knew why her mother came here. It wasn’t for money, for she already had a good job doing for Mrs. Bainbridge, three doors down from Mrs. Turner.

“I’ll have to be going.”

“Wait a minute!” She went back into the shop and took a shilling from the till, and when she pushed it into Jimmy’s hand, she cautioned him, “Hide it, and don’t let on.”

“Oh ta, Mary, taI, I will.”

“The best thing to do is to leave your coppers at Grandma Walton’s and pick them up when you need them.”

“Aye, Mary, I will. And, you’ll look out for me ma?”

“Yes. Don’t worry, I’ll look out.”

She hadn’t really needed Jimmy to warn her, it had been at the back of her mind, like another peril to be faced.

“Ta-rah, then.”

Ta-rah, Jimmy. “

At twelve o’clock Annie Tollett came and took over. At one, Mary left the house for the hospital, and not until she was standing with the other visitors did she realize how empty-handed she was; everybody was holding either bunches of flowers or bags of fruit. But what did it matter? Ben wouldn’t mind.

When the doors were opened and she entered the ward she saw with relief that the curtains were no longer around his bed. She approached him slowly, and stood over him and said softly, “Hello, Ben.”

“Hello, Mary.” He had difficulty in moving his lips.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Yes... oh yes.”

Self-consciously she pulled a chair nearer the bed, and then she sat down and took his hand. You’re going to be all right? “

Yes. “

They stared at each other for a long time until he said, haltingly, “The time ... is long. I’ve been ...

waiting for you.”

She nodded, and then whispered, “And me, I’ve been wishing the hours away.” He pressed her fingers. The grip held some strength and brought a smile to her face. They sat in silence, just looking at each other, and then he said, Tm sorry, Mary, I’ve . brought this trouble on. on you. “

“No, no, it’s me.”

He closed his eye as if in protest.

“No. No, you were innocent, too innocent.” When he opened his eyes it looked deeply sad and there was silence between them again until he murmured, “Mary, you’d better know I’ll ... I’ll be disfigured.

There’ll be a scar ... from top to bottom.” He touched his bandaged face.

She gazed down at him, and she saw that he was greatly troubled about this, and he would be because he was a good-looking man. She said quickly under her breath, “It’ll make no matter to me. I don’t care what you look like.”

Again there was a pressure on her hand, and again silence. It was difficult to talk; people who were in both their minds must not be mentioned, her da, her ma.

After a while she told him about the shop and about Mrs. Mulhattan coming in and how she had received her, and his hand kept pressing hers in appreciation of her efforts. And then she told him what she had meant to tell him the moment she came into the ward, about his cousin Annie coming over.

“That’s good ... Annie’s good at heart; bluff, but good at heart.” Then after a moment, during which he seemed to gather strength, he said on a surprised note, “And she came over the day?”

“Yes.”

—”That’s something; you can’t get her out of her house on a Sunday as a rule.” When the bell rang she stood up immediately, then bending, she shyly placed her lips to the side of his mouth and held them there for a moment.

She was standing now, holding his lopsided gaze.

“I won’t see you till Wednesday, visiting day, but I’ll phone.”

“Bye-bye, Mary.”

“Bye-bye, Ben.”

She walked backwards for a short distance and his eye lingered on her.

There was a drizzly rain falling when she got outside, she was glad of it because it hid the fact that she was crying, and she chided herself sternly for this. If she was crying now what would she be doing in a little while when she met her da . if she met him.

She took a tram from the corner, down Fowler Street to the centre of the town, from where she made her way to the police station.

Sunday seemed to have settled on the police station as well as on the town, and she pushed the door open into the dusty room that looked like an office. There was nobody to be seen, but when she reached the counter a door opened at the far end of the room and a policeman came in. He stood behind the counter, his hands flat on it, and smiled at her.

“Aye?” he said.

“And what can I do for you, miss?”

“I’m ... I’m Mary Walton.”

“Yes.”

Me da “Aw, you’re his daughter. Alee Walton?”

“Yes:

“Well’—he put his head a little on one side ‘he’s all right, lass.”

“Can... can I see him He looked down towards the floor at one side of the counter, then to the other side, then back to her again before he said, “ Just a tick. “ When he returned to the room there was another policeman with him, and they both stood looking at her over the counter. Then the second policeman looked at the first one and said, “Well, I don’t see why not,” and, turning to her, he added abruptly but not unkindly, “Come along.” She followed him through the passage and down steps to a corridor where there was a line of doors, all with gratings in them at the top.

He inserted a key in the second door and pushed it open, saying, “I’ll come back for you in a few minutes.”

She was inside the room, the awful little room, the cell and her da was sitting staring at her from a plank bed attached to the wall.

Alee rose slowly to his feet and they stood, their eyes linked in an agonizing trance.

She was the first to move. She took a step towards him, saying, “Da!

Oh Da! “ and at this he seemed to come awake. Actually for the first time in days, he came fully to himself. His head swung slowly from shoulder to shoulder, he took his hand and rubbed it across the stubble on his mouth and chin, back and forward his hand went; then in a characteristic fashion he pushed it up over his brow and through his hair. When his body began to rock from side to side she flung herself forward and took him in her arms, and they hung together swaying, crying, moaning, but saying no word.

After a time, when the paroxysm of their joint grief had subsided a little, they sat on the edge of the bed and from her tormented being she dragged up the mundane question, “How are you?” He couldn’t speak but he nodded his head as he took a dirty handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his tear—washed face.

“Are ... are they all right to you?” She moved her head back in the direction of the door, and at this he blew his nose violently, then nodded his head again, blinked his eyelids rapidly and spoke for the first time.

“Aye,” he said.

“They’re very good, considerate.” He now looked at her, and he too made the mundane inquiry, “How are you?”

“Oh, all right, Da.”

They stared at each other, still in pain, and then, his teeth digging into his lower lip and his head swaying again, he said, “I ... I must have been mad.” His head stopped swinging and he looked into her eyes.

“I ... I think I am going mad, lass.”

“No, Da. No!” She was holding him and looking into his face, “No. No, it’s just been too much, everything and then me. I’m ... I’m to blame.”

“You’re not! No!” The emphasis was deep.

Tes, yes, I am. “ Her emphasis was equally deep.

“I’ll carry it to me grave; I know I am.”

He shook his head twice in denial, then said, “There’s only one person to blame an’ we both know who that is.” His eyes still on her, his mouth working against asking the question, the seconds passed before he could make himself say, “What happened to him?”

Seconds passed again before she answered, “He’s... he’s in hospital.

Da. “

“I know that, I know, they told me. But what I mean is, what did I do to him?” She looked to the side, to the painted brick wall. She noticed there was writing on it but she couldn’t read it. She looked back at him.

“His face is cut’ “ Much? “

Down one side. “

“Will he get better “ Yes. “ She was quick to answer now, to reassure him.

“Oh yes, he’s on the mend, don’t worry.” She lifted his hand and held it between her own.

He said now very quietly, “They’ll send me along the line, lass, you know that? But... but don’t worry, I don’t mind, honest to God I don’t mind. I’ll be out of it for a time. And when I eat me food it won’t stick in me gullet; I’ll have nobody to thank for it but’—he gave a painfully mirthless laugh—’the country.” He asked now, “What’s happening’ to you, lass?”

“Oh, don’t worry about me, Da, I’m all right.” She did not say, “I’m looking after the shop, I’m staying in Ben’s house, I’m sleeping in Ben’s bed.” What she said was, “I can always go to me grannie’s.”

“Aye, you go to your grannies At this moment the key was turned in the lock and they both started and looked towards the door where the police man stood. She turned round again and said suddenly as if he, too, were in hospital, “ I should have brought you some thing, Da, I never thought. “

“Ah, lass, you brought yourself. Thanks, lass, thanks for comin’.” He held her tightly and as he did so he whispered against her ear, “Try to forgive me, lass. Try to forgive me.” She couldn’t answer. She tried, she tried to say, “Oh Da Ime forgive you?” but the words were blocked, and she turned from him and went out, and the policeman had to lead her up the steps because she couldn’t see them.

In the office once more, the two policemen looked at her and the first one she had seen said, Don’t take on, lass, he’ll be all right. “ He came round the counter and put his hand on her shoulder. These things happen.” And now he tried to make her laugh as he bent down to her and said, We’d be out of our jobs if they didn’t, don’t you realize that? “

She was going out, but stopped at the door and, turning towards them where they were both standing looking at her, she said, Ta . thanks,” and simultaneously they nodded their heads towards her.

In the street a man and a woman paused and looked at her. She supposed it was a disgrace to be seen coming out of a police station; you were in trouble when you were seen coming out of a police station.