Punkzilla (17 page)

It rained for a while and I fell asleep sort of using the seat belt as a pillow and then we stopped to get gas in this little town on Route 31 called Geneva. We wound up staying in this little place called the Geneva Motel that was run by this married couple that looked like they just got out of the hospital.

There were a bunch of Winnebagos in the parking lot and I thought it was weird how those people had a place to sleep in their Winnebagos but chose to stay in a motel. I figured their toilets were jacked up or something.

Our room had two queen beds and cable and a kitchenette with a microwave oven and a coffeemaker.

Later Kent’s ex-wife Marty came and met us for dinner. We went to this place called Isabella’s that had white tablecloths and mood music. Earlier when I was taking a nap Kent bought me a shirt with a collar and a pair of brown leather shoes. The shirt was blue with little buttons to keep the collar down. Mom would love this shirt P. Kent bought me a pair of pants too and the weird thing is that everything he got me fit perfectly like EXACTLY perfectly!

He put a shirt with a collar on too and a pair of dark blue pants and we headed to the restaurant.

When we got in the LeBaron he asked me if I liked swordfish and I told him I’d never had it but that’s what I ordered and it was mad tasty. Kent ordered the lamb chops and Marty ate some grilled vegetables. Marty was really tall and pretty with long brown hair and big brown eyes. Even though she was hot for her age she sort of had a sad look on her face like nothing worked out right in her life.

When Kent introduced us he said “Marty this is my partner in crime Jamie. Jamie meet Marty the woman who broke my heart.”

I put my hand out for her to shake and she took it and then she sort of bent down and kissed me on the cheek. She might have been six feet tall P I shit you not and I could tell she was a classy woman with nice manners.

And I have to tell you this P because I would be lying if I didn’t. What happened was that when Marty kissed me on the cheek I got a boner and I had to sit with my legs crossed for like twenty minutes. I didn’t dare get up to use the bathroom or anything.

They ordered a bottle of red wine and drank most of it. Man I wanted some even though I’m not no wino. Branson used to drink this stuff once in a while called Zima but that was some other kind of wine like it has 7-Up and baking soda in it or something.

During dinner you could tell how Marty was still in love with Kent because he could make her laugh any time he wanted just by looking at her in a certain way.

Things got sort of serious when Kent said “So whose heart are you breakin’ these days?” Marty said there was no one in her life and Kent was like “You mean they’re not beating down your door like they used to?” and she said they weren’t and then he told her she was prettier than ever. He was like “You’re prettier than ever Marty. I’m right ain’t I kid?” To Marty I said “Yeah you’re pretty” and she smiled and asked me how I fit into Kent’s life but before I could answer Kent said “Me and the boy go way back don’t we?” and I nodded and looked at Marty who was looking back at me with tears in her eyes and I started feeling tense for some reason. Then Marty said she was glad we found each other but it came out funny almost like she was jealous or something. P I had no idea what the fuck was going on.

After we paid the check Kent gave me the keys to the LeBaron and walked Marty to her car and they had a long kiss and she totally like clung to him for a long time like when you throw a cat end-over-end into some curtains but Kent eventually pushed her off him and she got in her car and he shut her door for her.

She drove a Mercedes P I shit you not like one of those really nice 380SLs. It was white and really clean.

When Kent came back to the LeBaron he asked me if I wanted to drive and I told him I didn’t know how but he said he would teach me. I was like “What if we get caught?” and he said “What if what if what if. Too many what ifs will drive a man to church every Sunday.”

He had me sit in front of the wheel and powered the seat up so I could see over the dashboard and told me about the accelerator and the brakes and told me the only way I was going to learn to drive right was by doing it and it was starting to get dark out so he turned the headlights on and I drove around the parking lot of the restaurant a few times and he totally showed me how to use the turn signal and the rearview mirror and the side mirror and made me test the brakes so I would know how hard I’d have to press down on them to make them work right. I was a nervous wreck P. I think my hands were shaking worse than the morning after I did that meth with Branson. I was trying hard to not be a pussy I really was.

Just before I pulled out onto the main road this old man and his wife looked into the car. They were dressed up like they were about to go golfing. I think they were pretty freaked out because of how young I looked. Kent rolled the window down and told them he was teaching his son how to drive and the old man went “Go get’em Slim!” and then he and his wife both smiled and all of their false teeth sort of flashed white.

Then I drove back to the Geneva Motel P I shit you not. It was one of the coolest feelings. I mean I know everyone learns how to drive at some point but I had no idea how awesome it is. The LeBaron was totally under my control. Branson would’ve been so amped and jealous at the same time!

I imagine that you’re not driving so much these days P but you probably have to once in a while right to like get your cancer medicine from the pharmacy? Or maybe Jorge takes you? What’s cool is that now I can go get your medicine if you need me to P. I’ll totally do it it’s not a problem.

The drive back to the Geneva Motel was slow going I’ll admit it. I had to really concentrate to not drift too close to the centerline. At one point Kent said “If you go any slower you’re liable to get pulled over” so I jacked it up to the speed limit and man my balls felt mad huge! On the radio some Zeppelin song was playing and even though I didn’t know the words I felt like I did. It even seemed like they wrote the song for ME.

The next day Marty picked me up at the motel and took me to this weird amusement park in East Dundee Illinois called Santa’s Village. I was a little confused that Kent wasn’t in the room when I woke up but Marty said he would meet us later. She wore a green dress and sandals and she smelled good. I asked her what kind of perfume she used and she said it was called Vivian Westwood and that they didn’t make it anymore and that she only wore it on special occasions. Then she asked me if I liked it and I told her it smelled French and she looked at me and said there was cinnamon and orange blossom in it.

What was weird P was that it sort of felt like I was going on a DATE with Marty and she’s like at least forty-something and really pretty and way out of my league. I mean she was all dressed up with lipstick and that fancy perfume.

In her Mercedes she was quiet for a while and then sort of out of nowhere she asked if Kent was my dad. She said “So is Kent your daddy?” and I was like “Did he tell you that?” and she said no but that she had this feeling that Kent and me had a secret. I said “We don’t have a secret” and she said we were cut from the same cloth and that we even had the same color eyes and I was like “We do? What color are they?” and she said they were hazel and I went “I don’t have hazel eyes” because I don’t P. Mom always told me they were blue and then Marty asked me if I had looked in the mirror lately and I told her I looked in the mirror all the time and she said “You got the biggest hazel eyes I think I’ve ever seen” and then I told her that Kent and I didn’t have a secret again and she got all weird and sad for like ten minutes.

Then I asked her if she and Kent were married even though I knew they had been and she said they were married for ten years and I asked her if it was good and she went “For a while it was. But then again no one is ever completely happy in a marriage.” I asked her if they had kids and she said they almost did but they lost it and I said “Like at the grocery store?” and she said no that it died right after it was born and man that was shocking to hear P. Mad shocking. She said it only lived for a few hours and that it was a little boy and then I told her I was sorry and then she turned the radio on to an easy-listening station but this sad song was playing. It was this song about a house not being a home and a chair not being a chair so she turned it off and put some big-ass sunglasses on.

After a few more miles I said “Kent said you left him for some rich dude” and she sort of scoffed and laughed and I was like “That’s not true?” and she said “He was more than just SOME RICH DUDE” and she went on to say how he also happened to be a wonderful person and I asked what his name was and she said Ben and she also said that Kent had an interesting way of cheapening things. Then I asked her if she regretted leaving Kent and she said she did and that sometimes people make mistakes but that she was never really sure if he was up for a serious commitment and how at heart Kent’s a journeyman and an adventurer and how most of the time when he’s with you his head is somewhere else. Then she said “He’ll wind up disappointing you too you’ll see.”

That really pissed me off when she said that P but I didn’t say anything because of all that stuff about her son dying.

Then she asked me if I had a girlfriend and I said no and she said not to worry that I would and I was like “I doubt it” and she asked me if I liked boys and I said “I don’t like boys!” and she said “It’s okay if you do” and I went “I totally like skeezers.” Then she told me I was a cutie and that I needed to give it some time and that I’d definitely break a few hearts before it was all over.

She adjusted her sunglasses and I could see how she was crying because a tear sort of fell down her cheek.

Then I asked her if she was still married to Ben even though I knew she wasn’t. I guess I wanted to see what she would say and she said that she wasn’t married to him anymore and I asked her why and she said because he left her and I asked her why again and she said this P she said “Because he didn’t find me compelling anymore” and I said “Does that mean pretty?” and she said “I suppose it could” and then I told her I thought she was compelling and she said thank you and then she held her breath for a second and said “The woman Ben is with now is very young and beautiful.”

Before I got out of the car I flipped the driver’s side visor down and checked out my eyes and with my new haircut they did seem more hazel than blue. I could see what she was talking about in terms of how they were like Kent’s and I wondered if he’d noticed this too.

We walked around Santa’s Village for a while and I think she was trying to pretend she was my mom or something because she kept holding my hand. There weren’t too many people there and that made it feel like something bad had gone down like a kid had an epileptic fit on the roller coaster or some killer bees attacked a group of fifth-graders. Marty bought me some cotton candy and it was weird P. She was treating me like I was seven or eight.

When it got sort of hot and sunny she took out this sunblock stuff and put it all over her arms and face. She went “Here” and put some on my neck and told me I was fair.

Her hand felt pretty good on me P. I couldn’t believe what I was thinking but I really had this weird urge to squeeze her breasts I really did! I would have been like “Hey Martina hook a brother up” but she was on some other trip with me and it was mad confusing.

After she finished with the sunblock she kissed me on the cheek and then she asked me for a hug so I walked into her arms. I actually tried to walk right into her BREASTS and she pulled me close and smelled my hair.

Then she said “Hey Mr. Magoo” and kissed the top of my head again and I said “Hey” back to her and she was like “Can you smell the orange blossom?” and I said I could and it was true P it was like a thousand orange blossoms were all around us and if there was any real chance of me putting my testicles on her breasticles that was it but I couldn’t do it.

After the hug we went to the petting zoo and I wound up staring at this thing that looked like a cross between a sheep and a giraffe for like ten minutes. It had a face like it knew all sorts of shit about people and it seemed bored at the same time. I think it might have been a llama or some sort of desert camel. Marty said “Go ahead kiddo he’s not going to bite” and that’s when I turned to her and asked her where Kent was. I think it was the “kiddo” that pissed me off. She said he would be there soon so I just stared at the llama thing and it stared back at me.

After the petting zoo Marty pulled out a digital camera and took a bunch of pictures of me standing under this huge statue of Santa. After like the ninth one she said “Smile for this one” because I wasn’t smiling for shit so I smiled but I thought I was going to be sick.

At one point she stopped this man who worked there and asked him to take our picture together and she went to a knee and hugged me around the waist.

After the pictures I asked her if we could go back to the motel. I told her I wasn’t feeling good and that I thought I was going to puke in my mouth so she pulled out her cell phone and left Kent a message and then we left Santa’s Village and headed back to the Geneva Motel.

About halfway there she reached over and sort of petted my head. Her hand stopped at the lump where I got hit with the forty. She asked what it was from and I lied and told her I fell down and hit the corner of a table and she said “Poor thing” and sort of stroked it for a second and then I jerked away and she asked what was wrong and I said nothing was wrong and then she said I seemed funny and then I was like “You don’t even know me” and she said “But I’m enjoying GETTING to know you” and then I finally said it P I said “I’m not your son!” and man it was such a relief to say that.

After it was quiet she said “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable” and I was like “Just take me back to Kent and hurry the fuck up” and then she got pissed and said “There’s no need to swear” and I told her I’d swear if I wanted to and she started getting more pissed and said “Kent’s not who you think he is. He runs from everybody and everything” and I said “You left HIM you fucking skanky bitch” and then she stopped the car and slapped me across the face. I’m glad I had the seat belt on or I would have went through the windshield P. The tires really screeched to a halt like in the movies.