Punching and Kissing (23 page)

Her mouth moved a few times, trying to form some snarky put-down, but she couldn’t quite get it out. Our faces were close enough to kiss, her eyes huge and terrified. “Sorry,” she whispered at last.

I let go of her bag and leaned back. She gathered her friends and ran. People around us were looking at the scene in horror and then quickly walking away as soon as I turned in their direction.

Aedan’s hand landed on my shoulder. “Well done,” he said sincerely.

I looked at his hand. All I wanted to do was to put my own hand on top of it, and then turn around and kiss him. But I knew, instinctively, that wasn’t on the table. Something had happened, since last night. Something had changed to slingshot us back to how we used to be, before the rooftop. If I pushed him now, I might lose him completely.

“You want to get some breakfast?” he asked.

I nodded sadly.

***

Breakfast, in a shopping mall food court, might mean bagels or pastries or muffins. Except when you’re a boxer and you need
protein, protein, protein.

I eyed my burger. It was ten in the morning. “The whole thing?” I asked.

“You can leave the bun, if you want.” He passed me a carton of milk.

As we ate, I went through about a thousand different things I could say. And none of them felt like they’d work. I couldn’t believe that this sudden coldness was because he was looking for a way out now that we’d had sex a couple of times. Not Aedan. He was better than that. So it had to be his past, again.

Last time, I’d pushed him. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. So I sat there and ate and talked strategy and how we’d focus on keeping my guard up and pushing forward instead of falling back. And the whole time, all I wanted to do was to lean across the table and kiss him.

That was why I was distracted when I went to empty my tray. I didn’t see the guy coming until he was right up behind me. When I turned around, he was practically touching me.

“Hi,” he said to my chest.

He was a cocky confident son of a bitch, with close-cropped blond hair and a t-shirt that showed off his muscles. He was right in my personal space. I sidestepped, but he moved with me, chuckling as if it was all a big joke.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

I wanted to say
I’m not interested
or
No thanks
or maybe just
Fuck off,
but none of them would come out. He was too big and too male. I wasn’t sure what he’d do if I pissed him off. So I just shook my head.

“You don’t have a name?” he asked, as if that was the best joke in the world.

I didn’t know where to look. My eyes were everywhere except on his face, because I didn’t dare provoke him by making eye contact.

He moved in even closer. Close enough that his chest touched my nipples. Just a brush, as if it was accidental, but I saw the smile that said it wasn’t. We were right up against each other, now. We would have looked like lovers, if I hadn’t looked so petrified.
Stop this! Can’t you see I’m not enjoying this?
But he didn’t notice. Or didn’t care.

“She wants you to leave her alone.” An Irish voice, from just outside my field of view.

The guy barely looked up. “Fuck off.”

I heard the brutal smack of a punch landing and he flew sideways, tumbling six or seven feet through the air before he smashed into a table and chairs, scattering them like bowling pins. People screamed and jumped to their feet. I stared aghast at Aedan as he lowered his fist. I’d forgotten what happened when he hit someone. Behind the counter, I could see the burger store owner talking frantically into his radio.

“Come on,” I said. “Quick!” And I dragged him out of the food court and towards the exit of the mall. I wanted to hug him for saving me but he looked sullen...almost angry. Why would he be angry at
me?

Outside, the storm had finally broken and rain was pelting down—the hard, unforgiving kind that soaks you to the skin in about five seconds flat. Everyone else was huddled inside the doors, waiting for it to pass, but I knew mall security would catch up with us any second. I pulled Aedan outside, into the rain, and ran down the street.

The rain plastered our t-shirts to our bodies. By the time we reached the end of the street, our jeans were soaked through and shining. The rain was coming down fast enough that the sidewalks were awash.

I pulled Aedan into an alley, looking for shelter. At least the rain would put the mall cops off chasing us. We stopped beside some dumpsters. It hit me that I wasn’t out of breath, despite running half a block. All those early-morning runs had paid off.

I looked around for something to hide under, but there was nothing. Besides, we were already as wet as we could possibly be. It would almost have been funny, if it hadn’t been for the tension that had been building all morning, and Aedan’s sour expression. “
What?”
I yelled, finally cracking. “Why are you angry with me?”

He stared at me. “You should have hit that guy. You should have stood up for yourself.”

I looked at him incredulously. “
What?”

He looked even madder. “He was touching you! You know how to get in someone’s face, now. Why didn’t you?”

“You think it was
my fault?!
Jesus, are you going to start blaming rape victims next?”

“What are you talking about? I just want you to be able to stand up for yourself!” His eyes were flashing with anger, but I could see the concern there, too. “You did it with the woman at the mall. Why not him?”

Oh. My. God.
“You
cannot
be that stupid!
He was a guy!”

“So what?”

“Are you
kidding me?!
Because—Because—” I stood there, rain streaming down my face, trying to find the words. “Because he’s a
man!
Because I’m a woman! Don’t you—don’t you get it?”

He stood there staring at me.

“Don’t you get what we’re scared of, when we get into any kind of a fight with a man?”

I saw realization finally dawn. But he shook his head. “No,” he said. “Not all men.”

“
Yes!
All fucking men! When it’s a stranger, and he’s right in your face and he’s being aggressive! Jesus, how could you not know that?” My hair was being plastered across my face by the rain. I pushed it angrily out of the way. “You’ve taught me to fight; I’m still a woman!”

His hands were bunching into fists, now. He didn’t want it to be true. “Not most guys. Some guys, maybe. Not most of us.”

The rain had chilled me to the bone, now, and I was shivering. “Not all the time. But when you’re a woman and a guy’s aggressive with you—yes! We always have that fear!”

He stared at me for a long time and I could see it slowly sinking in. “Jesus,” he said at last. Then, “Even me?”

I shook my head, some of the anger leaving me. “No. Not you. I’ve never felt that way about you.”

He nodded slowly and then turned away. “I’m sorry,” he said at last. “I’m really sorry. I just…” He shook his head in frustration and punched the dumpster so hard it rocked on its wheels. “I love you and I just want to protect you!”

The rain hissed down between us, a solid wall of water. “What?” I said, my voice breaking.

He shook his head. “I can’t—”

“Yes! Yes, you can! Aedan, I love you too! I just—I don’t know what’s going on with us! Talk to me! Tell me why you keep pushing me away!”

He shook his head again, glancing towards the street. I knew he was seconds away from walking off into the rain and, if he did, I wasn’t sure I’d ever see him again. “Tell me! What can be so bad? Come on, if you really love me then talk to me!”

He stared at the ground for a moment, the rain sluicing down his face. Then he finally looked up at me and nodded.

Aedan

“I’d just come over from Ireland,” I said. “Things had gone to hell with my family—that’s a whole different story—so I was pretty much on my own. But I was cocky as hell. I’d won those local championships back home and I thought I was going to be the next big thing. But I didn’t have a manager. No one knew me, no one wanted to take me on. I wound up at the bottom of the barrel.”

“The Pit,” Sylvie said slowly. “With Rick.”

I nodded. “I needed the money and it didn’t seem so bad, at first. I won my first five fights and that was a big deal, in that place. I was the champ and even in a shitty place like that, that means something. But the problem was, the better I got, the more people wanted to take me on.”

She nodded. I could see her tensing up, preparing herself.

“There’s only ever been two things I’m good at: fighting and fucking. I feel...
right
when I’m in the ring. Like that’s where I’m supposed to be.” I sighed. “I told you: I’m just a thug.”

She shook her head defiantly. So I continued.

“Rick keeps putting me up against people. Some of them start coming in from out of town, and people are betting big money and Rick, he’s taking his cut from the bookies. ‘Course,
I
don’t see much of it, but I’m doing okay. And Rick’s always telling me, ‘
You’re my boy. You’re the best at this. You were made to do this.’
But then Rick starts wanting me to do stuff outside the ring. He wants me to accompany him around town.”

“Like a bodyguard?”

I shook my head bitterly. “Like a feckin’ dog. A weapon he can use to scare people. I don’t want to do it but I’m young and naive...I tell myself it’s not so bad. I mean, I’m just there for show. I’m not going to
do
anything. And it works, for a while. People who owe him money pay up. People invading his turf get the hell out. Everyone’s happy—except me. And Rick keeps telling me, ‘
You’re my attack dog. You growl when I tell you to growl. Just a big, dumb, snapping hound.’
And I start to believe him.”

I swallowed slowly. “But then, one day, it stops working. Some storeowner owes Rick money and won’t pay. So he has me smash their store.” I gave Sylvie a sickly grin. “You know how good I am at smashing stuff. And as I’m tearing up the place, I’m telling myself it’s okay because it’s only stuff—it’s not people. And Rick’s still telling me how good I am at this shit, how it’s a good job he’s here to make use of me, because no one else would want a stupid thug like me. And I guess I start to believe that, too.”

Sylvie had gone pale. I’d known all along that this would happen. I’d known that, once she found out what I really was, her whole view of me would change. But I was too deep into this to stop now.

“Then, a few weeks later, some guy disrespects Rick. So Rick tells me to break his arm.” I stared at the wall, unable to meet her eyes. “And the crazy thing is, as I’m feeling the bones snap, I’m telling myself
it’s only an arm. He’ll recover.
As if that makes it okay.” And Rick keeps telling me, ‘
This is all you’re good for—beating seven shades of shit out of people.’
I took a deep breath. “And so it went on. Each week, I’d pummel some guy in the ring. The other days, I’d beat up whoever Rick told me to. Eventually, it all sort of blended together. I’d fight and then I’d come home and wash the blood off and go find some woman to fuck to help me forget. Rick’s happy and I’m making money. But when I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself.”

I felt suddenly very tired. I slumped against the dumpster and slid down it until I was sitting on the soaked ground. Sylvie suddenly knelt and threw her arms around me. She didn’t say anything. She just held me. I think she sensed that the worst was still to come.

“This is where you think I saw the light,” I said bitterly. “This is where you think I had a revelation and turned around and stuck it to Rick.” I shook my head. “But that’s not what happened.” I took a deep breath. “See, Rick had a problem. I was at my peak—every fight, I was getting better. I started getting calls from people who thought I could make it on the proper circuit. Rick figured it was only a matter of weeks until someone stole me away. So he came up with a plan.”

“He put me up against this guy called Travere. Eric Travere. I’d fought him before a few times—a Frenchman, living in New York. Pretty good—a brawler, like me, but with a better reach. Killer left hook. But normally, I could have taken him. He could dish it out, but he couldn’t take it. A few good hits, maybe a couple of rounds, and he’d go down.”