PUCKED Up (22 page)

Me too. I can't wait to see you again. Message me when you get to camp if you have reception.

When I’m done I set the picture as my wallpaper, and then I post it to every social media platform I have access to, and tag her. I add the caption “Spending time with my favorite Canadian girl.” It’s not as in-your-face as I’d like to be, but I think it gets the point across. If any pictures are going up of me with bunnies, I’ll combat them with nice ones of me and Sunny.

I check my emails while I wait for a reply. Randy’s sent two. I use text-to-speech to listen to those. Apparently his flight times have changed, and he’ll be in a few hours earlier. He says he’s cool to wait at the airport in the bar however long he has to. Since Sunny’s already gone, he won’t have to. I shoot him a quick message instead of an email so he gets it right away. Sunny still hasn’t responded, so I call Vi. She picks up on the third ring.

“
Buck.” She says my name like a swear word. I don’t even get a chance to say hi before she fires off threats. “Care to explain the hat trick message you left for me yesterday before I beam myself to Canada and beat your ass with a nine iron?”

I forgot about that message. Since I know I’m not in real trouble, I decide to be a jerk, hoping it’ll make me feel better post Kale-introduction. “You don’t golf.”

“
I might start. It seems like it might be fun if I’m aiming for your balls. It’d be challenging though, since they’re the size of peas.”

“
My balls are the size of Canada, and everyone knows the world maps are wrong, and Canada’s the biggest country out there.”

“
Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s Australia, or maybe it’s China or Russia. Geography was never my thing. Seriously, Buck, I’d like to believe you’re smart enough not to brag to me about bagging three bunnies when you’re supposed to be with Sunny.”

“
I hat tricked
with
Sunny.”

“
You did what?” She screams so loud, my ear starts to ring. Her voice is muffled when she says, “Everything’s fine. I’m talking to Charlene. She bought another purse off the shopping channel.” There’s a few seconds of fumbling around and then, “You better explain yourself. Quickly.”

“
So, like, Sunny had a boyfriend in high school, right?”

“
What the hell does this have to do with a hat trick?”

“
I’m getting to that. So get this, he was terrible at sexing.”

“
Everyone’s terrible at sexing in high school.”

“
That’s not true. I was awesome.” At least that’s what the girls said.

“
Says you. I’m still not understanding what this has to do with hat tricks.”

“
Apparently the guy never gave Sunny an orgasm. Not once.”

Violet gasps. “You’re kidding.”

“
Nope.” Clearly I’m not alone in thinking that’s poor boyfriend form. The first thing a guy should do is figure out what gets the girl off, especially if he wants a repeat.

“
If that’s true, it really is terrible.”

“
What do you mean, ‘if it’s true’?”

“
You’re sure Sunny didn’t tell you that to boost your ego?”

“
Why would she do that?”

“
To make you feel good about yourself?”

“
Do girls really do that?” I can’t imagine lying about not having orgasms, and Sunny isn’t much for dishonesty. That’s more my area. And I usually just leave out details so they can draw their own conclusions.

“
I don’t know. Sometimes? Maybe. I’ve lied to Alex about . . . never mind.”

“
You can’t not tell me.”

“
You don’t want me to finish that sentence, Buck. I promise it won’t make a difference to this conversation, other than causing irreparable emotional damage.”

“
I highly doubt that. What have you lied to him about? Sex stuff? Orgasms? About never having one before?” I try not to think about the two of them together in the locker room last spring.

Vi barks out a laugh. “Hardly. I’m like a coming machine. I can have, like, eighteen orgasms in a row. It’s awesome.”

Girls don’t realize how good they have it. Unless I learn Tantra, I’m good for a max of six a day, and that’s spread out over a twenty-four-hour period. “So if you didn’t lie about orgasms, what did you lie about?”

“
You’re sure you want to know?”

Vi has a tendency to overshare and say exactly what’s on her mind at any given time. If she’s censored herself, it has to be bad, which makes me want to know even more. “I’m sure.”

“
Once I lied about my level of leakiness.”

“
Leakiness?”

“
Leakiness.”

“
What does that even mean?” I regret the question as soon as I ask it.

“
How wet I get.”

I gag. “Shit, Vi. I didn’t need that information.”

“
I told you you didn’t want to know, but you wouldn’t listen. It’s not my fault I’m a naturally lubey person.”

“
Okay. Enough. I don’t want to hear any more. Sunny wouldn’t lie about her lack of orgasms. She looked way surprised every time I gave her one.”

“
Maybe that’s her O face.”

I might agree if Sunny’s reaction to me going down on her had been different. “I also gave her first orgasm by mouth and her first sex-gasm, so there’s my hat trick. It totally kicks Waters’ fake hat trick’s ass, right?”

Once, a long time ago, a rumor circulated that Waters had slept with three different chicks in one night. It wasn’t true, but it caused a shitload of issues for him when Vi found out about it. Eventually he set things straight, and it ended up being a prime example of how the media can twist information.

“
You do realize you called to brag about bagging my fiancé’s sister, right? Super classy, Buck. Who else have you told?”

“
No one. I called you because I can’t tell anyone else. And I didn’t bag her; we had sex. Lots of it. All over the damn house. Believe me, if I could talk to anyone other than you, I would, but I can’t. So fuck you, Vi. I’m oversharing. You do it all the time.”

She sighs. “I guess you have a point, and I’d rather you tell me than one of your hockey buddies. Those guys have big mouths. So obviously Sunny forgave you for being relationship-challenged.”

“
Yeah. She got over it.” That’s not one-hundred-percent truth, though, considering where she is right now versus where I’d like her to be.

“
That’s good. I’m glad. So I’m taking it your weekend’s been good?” Crunching follows.

It could be cereal. Or chips. I’m hungry. “It was up until an hour ago.”

“
What happened?” She doesn’t immediately throw the blame at me.

“
So you know how all those bunny pictures got me into trouble in the first place.”

“
I’m familiar, yes.”

Vi’s disapproval is obvious from her tone. I’m glad this is a phone conversation. “Well, I guess Lily, Sunny’s bitchy bestie, found out about them—”

“
That shouldn’t be a surprise.”

“
Yeah, well, Lily doesn’t like me much. She convinced Sunny to go on a camping trip way up north, like, super far away. They left right before I called you.”

“
You have to go to Muskoka today anyway, don’t you?” There’s more crunching. My stomach growls. That cinnamon bun didn’t cut it, no matter how delicious it was.

“
Yeah, but I would’ve had the entire day with her. Plus it’s not just Lily and Sunny going. Lily’s boyfriend is coming and so is his bearded hipster-twin, Kale.”

“
I think bearded hipster is redundant. Don’t all hipsters have beards?” Vi snickers. “Wait. Kale? Why is that name familiar?”

“
Because it’s a vegetable?”

“
Maybe. Does he spell it with a K or C?”

“
Who cares what he spells it with? He’s ultra granola with crunchy green turds in it. And he dated Sunny in high school. And now they’re camping together this whole week.”

“
Oh.” She chews loudly for several seconds, maybe processing. “Did you meet him?”

“
Yup. They all showed up at the house this morning, right after Robbie and Daisy came home early.” I roll down the window and recline the seat. A girl in running shorts and a sports bra jogs by with her dog. I don’t even check her out.

“
Was everything okay with the ’rents?” Vi’s well aware of how protective Sunny’s parents are.

“
It was mostly fine. Sunny didn’t tell them I was coming to visit. They almost walked in on us getting it on. Robbie knows I spent the weekend. He had the neighbors watching the place.”

“
Oh, shit.”

“
Surprisingly, he didn’t seem too upset. But he gave me the ‘don’t fuck with my daughter’ talk.” Now that I think about it, it seems like Sunny might have purposely forgotten to mention my visit, considering we planned it last time I came to see her. It makes sense if she did it to make sure we had the house to ourselves; otherwise all the sexing wouldn’t have happened.

“
You’re lucky. Imagine what it would be like to know your daughter is dating a half-man-half-yeti who’s boned fifty percent of the women in the continental US.”

I ignore her dumb joke. “I haven’t had sex with that many people.”

“
Are you sure about that?”

“
I’m sure I haven’t had sex with a hundred and fifty million people. But Lily thinks I’m playing Sunny.”

“
Of course she does. It’s not like your reputation with the ladies is going to evaporate because you’ve started dating someone.”

The sun peeks through the trees and hits the windshield. I flip the visor down and put on my sunglasses to keep from being blinded. “I haven’t been with anyone since I met Sunny.”

“
I know that, but Lily doesn’t. You’re still at the bars with your buddies all the time, and the pictures with the bunnies haven’t stopped showing up. And then there are the parties at Lance’s with the mostly naked chicks. Where the media is concerned, you’re not acting like a guy in a relationship. People believe what they see, even if it’s not true. You know that better than anyone. It’s the situations you get yourself in to that are the real problem, Buck. Anyways, we’re off topic. This is about the vegetable dude and Sunny going camping. You said they dated in high school?”

“
Yeah.”

“
You’re sure about that?” Her tone makes me nervous.

“
That’s what Sunny said. Why?”

“
I think Sunny only had one boyfriend in high school.”

“
So she didn’t do a lot of dating. That’s not a bad thing.” The asshole in me likes the idea that Sunny didn’t get around during those prime years for hormonal experimentation.

“
Not necessarily . . .” She hedges. “Hold on a second. I need to ask Alex something.” She covers the receiver. Her voice is muffled and then she’s clear again. “Charlene returned the purse. I’m talking to Buck now. No. No. Don’t even.” There’s some fumbling. “I won’t touch the MC for a week if you do that! I mean it! Stop.” When Violet turns her attention back to me, she’s slightly breathless. I don’t want to think about what was happening on the other end of the line. “I was right. Kale’s the only guy Sunny dated in high school.”

“
But that was a long time ago, so it shouldn’t be a big deal, right? She’s gotta be over him. She said she broke it off, so that has to count for something. Apparently he got his ass dumped again recently, so it shouldn’t be a big deal that they’re going on this camping trip.” I need some confirmation this is going to be okay.

“
I don’t know, Buck.”

Her lack of confidence is disconcerting. “You’re not making me feel better about this.”

“
Did she tell you when they broke up?” Violet asks.

“
During senior year, I think? That was two years ago, though. That’s plenty of time to move on, isn’t it?” Two years seems like a long time, but then that’s me. I waited all of two days to move on when I found out the girl I’d been dating was screwing around with half the hockey team at her college, two states away. Then I fucked all the depression out. It wasn’t the most effective strategy, but it kept me busy. That was five years ago. Then I got drafted.

“
In theory.”

“
Why in theory?”

“
They started dating when Sunny was a freshman and Kale was a sophomore. He stayed an extra semester after graduation so he could be with her. He planned to take the last semester off to work and then they would go to college together. She broke up with him because he was being a clinger and not very motivated or something. That’s Alex’s version of the story. I don’t know Sunny’s side.” I must not say anything for a long time as I process this shitload of important information. “They dated for four years, Buck,” Vi finally adds.