Psycho Save Us (45 page)

There were at
least fifty men drilling boards and slapping the sides onto the wooden floors
of the big boxes at the back of the trucks.  One man hollered at Spencer,
perhaps asking who he was, but above the din and confusion of all the pneumatic
tools going at once he just shouted, “I’m a penguin and this is my dog shit,”
and kept walking with an air of importance.  The other man just looked away,
went back to working.

That didn’t make
any sense
.

“Doesn’t need
to.  Just needs to sound authoritative,” he said.  Their shared Connection went
two ways, and Spencer could feel the careful steps the girl was taking through
his mind, simultaneously wanting a peek and
not
wanting a peek.  “Seventy
percent of what people respond to is how a person looks, twenty percent is how they
sound
, an’ only ten percent to what they actually
say
.  If ya
decide to, ya know, actually stand up and fight for yer life tonight, ya might
live long enough to read a book on psychology.  This shit’s easy.  Like takin’
candy from a baby.  Observe.”

Ahead of him was
a Penske truck, one that looked like it was almost ready to leave out the back bay
door.  A big red sign over the bay door read
QUALITY CONTROL INSPECTION AREA
, and Spencer
moved right past a man with a clipboard standing at the back.  He knew the keys
would probably be left in the ignition, and when he opened the driver’s side
door and hopped in the cab he was not disappointed to find that it was so.  If
they hadn’t been, he would’ve just asked someone, and they probably would’ve
just given him the keys.  Spencer started it up and put it in gear.

The man with the
clipboard walked up to the cab and shouted, “Hey, where the fuck you goin’?”

“Some o’
Nathan’s bullshit!  Penske reps called an’ said they want this truck jackfrost-butt-fucked-a-turtle! 
I’m as unhappy as you are!  Go talk to Nathan!” he shouted, and drove out the
front bay door into the rain, leaving the QC inspector standing there shaking
his head ruefully.  “One thing you can always count on,” he told the Voice in
his head as he switched on the windshield wipers, “is that no matter where ya
go in the world, people hate their bosses.  There’s always bullshit goin’
around that makes no sense.  The system’s a façade.  An illusion.  Just do the
barest amount o’ homework an’ then bullshit yer way through the rest of it. 
You’ll come out on top every time.”

You’re a liar
. 
A thief
. 
And a murderer!  You’re no different than Dmitry!

“No, Dmitry
kills for a reason,” he said, inhaling smoke.  “I don’t.  He rapes to fill a
hole in his heart, and kills to get rid o’ the shame as much as the evidence. 
I kill because I’m bored an’ I take offense easily.  An’ I get away with it
because I’m the greatest guy in the universe.  I’m not sayin’ that’s an excuse,
and I’m not
askin’
to be excused.  It’s important to me that you see the
difference.”

Why?

“Because I’m
comin’ to save yer ass, an’ I’m the only one who can do it.  I need you focused
an’ I need you to trust me.”  Talking about Dmitry was invigorating.  He still
recalled that look he’d given.  So even, so confident, so smug.  Well, okay,
the smugness was probably just imagined—Dr. McCulloch had pointed out it out
that Spencer was prone to imagining sleights, and was absolutely right, he knew
that much—but the guy was still obviously a shit-eater in need of correction. 
He
thinks he rules the roost
. 
He thinks this whole city’s his roost
. 
Spencer smiled.  He could not wait to prove otherwise.

You could still
call the police!
the Voice pleaded.

Spencer pulled
out of the rear parking lot and onto Mansell Road, heading north.  “I already
told you that Dmitry an’ his pals have somebody on the force—”

You can’t
know
that
—

“Bet me,”
Spencer chuckled, taking another toke.

What?

“Bet me,” he
repeated.  “I’ll tell you what, if you an’ me survive this, an’ it turns out I
was right, then I’m gonna visit you on yer twenty-first birthday, and you’ll
pay me every nickel you’ve got in the bank.  How’s that sound?”

You’re playing
with my life!  With my sister’s life!

“And you’re
not
,
and that’s the fucking problem, sister.  Now, get up and start stalling those
dickheads.  Or lay there an’ die.  Either way, I’m on my way.”  Spencer made it
through the next four stoplights, and, just as the man had said, there was Huckleby
Ridge Road on his left.  He made the turn and glanced in his rearview mirror. 
So far, no one was following him; no sirens, and nobody from Keegan Corporation
was coming to reclaim their property.  “Smooth sailin’ from here,” he said, and
reached to his waistline to make sure the Glock was still tucked snugly away.

Kaley had been
speaking to air for several minutes.  She was well aware of Bonetta crouched in
a corner on the other side of the room, terrified of so many things.  The fear
now washed over her, fed her, gave her nourishment.  Something had changed
inside of her.  Kaley didn’t know what it was, but she was almost certain that
it had to do with a chemical imbalance.

Chemical
imbalance.  That’s what the doctors said of her vertigo.

Ricky used to
say that he believed what the Chinese believed, that everything in life must
have a
yin
and a
yang
, and if anything ever had more
yin
than
yang
, or more
yang
then
yin
, then there was sickness,
depression, mental problems, instability.  Did the psychopath, her monster,
therefore have too much
yang
?

So ya think
that’s
my
problem?
she heard him say from somewhere right beside her. 
I don’t
have enough
yin
in my life?  What about you, then?  Not enough
yang
?
 Kaley could feel him laughing, and it sickened her.

Something else
sickened her, too.  It was Little Sister.  She was alone out there, shoved into
another room and locked up.  In pain.  In darkness.  Shannon was scared of the
dark.

Kaley lay there
practically catatonic, exactly as Little Sister was.  They didn’t have the
Anchor from this distance, but they shared the charm, and thus a loose
Connection.  She felt the painful swelling of her sister’s lower regions, the
burning, the tears, the bleeding.  Kaley lay there with the knowledge that her
sister had been the victim of something horrible, it had happened just on the
other side of the door beside her, and she hadn’t been able to do a damn thing
about it.  Now Little Sister was alone with the shame and the pain.  Well, not
entirely alone.  They both shared the sickening emotions, so slippery and
cumbersome, holding them back from fighting back, from doing what must be done.

The monster’s
words came back to her.  “Lay there and get raped and fuckin’ die,” he had
said.  “Die without even givin’ them a fight.  See if I give a fuck.  See if
anybody
gives a fuck.”  And he was right.  Nan was gone.  So was Ricky.  Aunt Tabby
might care, and Mom would care, but only so much as it affected her.  That was
Jovita Dupré’s
way.  And that would always be her way.  She thought she loved her two
daughters, but really and truly she only loved the idea of them, something that
gave her life purpose, two little pets that made her feel loved unconditionally,
made her feel like she had accomplished
something
in life.  On some
level, Kaley had always sensed this.  The charm had told her the truth.  Love
was mostly selfish.  While Jovita Dupré would certainly fight for her daughters
(if she even knew they were in trouble), she would only be fighting for a part
of herself.  Jovita Dupré would be sad to see her two loving pets go, the pets
she hadn’t quite trained to love her back, but she imagined they did. 
Otherwise, Kaley and Shan would’ve been out on the street just like any other strays.

Yes, love was
selfish.  At least, most love was.  Some love was truly empathetic,
self-sacrificing.  Minutes ago when Kaley screamed for Olga and Dmitry and
Mikhael to take her, she had meant it.  She would’ve done anything to spare
Shannon that pain, and she could sense Shannon’s own guilt for bringing the
emotional pain on Big Sister.  And Kaley felt horrible for making Little Sister
fell so horrible.  They were thinking of
one another
, a truly empathetic
feedback, not any kind of stingy, self-absorbed idea of compassion.

Then, Kaley
began to see.  She couldn’t say exactly where the dawning came from, only that
once it came, it cast its light far and wide, pushing away the shadows that
ensconced certainty. 
You have to ward yo’ heart, chil’
, Nan had said. 
That meant shut it off.  Shut it
out
.  Shut out all empathy and
compassion.  Turn away from it.  Was that what Nan meant to say?

Then, she heard
a voice coming through the walls, a voice that Bonetta Harper never heard. 
Listen
to the monster, Kaley
, Shannon was saying. 
Listen to what he’s saying
. 
He knows what he’s talking about
.  Little Sister sounded incredibly
lucid.  Whatever had happened to her had transformed her.  There was anger
there…that was unusual for Little Sister.  Little Sister had always been so
compassionate.

“But…I can’t,”
she whispered.  “I can’t shut you out, Shan.  I won’t…I won’t leave you.  How
can I?”  Tears and snot leaked down on either side of her face.  How could
she?  How could she just dump all of her attachments on Little Sister?  How
could she just be rid of them all at once and focus?  There was too much
history between them.  It was the same predicament a person had on a sinking
ship, holding onto a loved one being sucked down into the vortex created as the
ship went down.  If you let go, you survive, but the other person…

Kaley knew despair
now.  She knew the despair of those unfortunate souls who became so overly
emotional that they took their own lives.  Those despondent folks who committed
suicide rather than live another day with their Ocean of Sorrow.  It was not so
easy as one might think to make oneself
not care
anymore about anyone.

If ya can’t
stand on your own two feet, how are you ever gonna help anybody?
  Those weren’t
Shannon’s words.  Those words had come from another place.  A slippery place
filled with quicksand and swift traps.  It was the monster, of course.  So
confident, so stubborn, so sure that he had all the answers.

Listen to him,
Kaley
. 
Listen to what Nan said
. 
Ward your heart
. 
You
…
you
have to do this for us
. 
I can’t
. 
I
…
I just can’t
. 
I’m
not strong enough
.

“Neither am I,”
Kaley said.

Then you’re both
fuckin’ dead
. 
The monster.  He could hear them?  He could hear Shannon, too? 
’Course I
can fuckin’ hear you
. 
You’re
both
in my head
. 
It’s
gettin’ awfully fuckin’ crowded in here
.

“Get out of my
head!” she commanded.

You get outta
mine first
,
he said, laughing alone in his Penske truck. 
You saw what I did, an’ I’ve
seen some of what your mother has done to you
. 
Neglected you
.  
Neglected
everybody
. 
Neglected her sister Tubby
—

“Tabby!”

—
and yer dear
ol’ Nan
, he went on, unfettered. 
Yeah, sweet
Jovita Dupré
. 
So selfish
. 
An’ look at her
. 
She’s survived how many years with how many
different men?  That’s how she survived, little girl
. 
She whored
herself out an’ fucked whatever would have her to survive
. 
It’s called
a survival mechanism, every creature has it, some stronger than others
. 
Now
get the fuck up!  I’m tired o’ hearin’ this shit
.

“I
can’t—”

Jovita Dupré’s
lived her whole life as a selfish cunt
. 
Ya figured out love yourself just
a second ago
. 
It’s mostly selfish
. 
So, how come
you
don’t get to be selfish?  Just this once?

Kaley started to
say something in retort, but discovered that she was out of excuses, out of
places to run to, out of time, out of everything.  It frightened her with just
how much sense the monster was making.  Then, for just a moment, she let the
Connection slip.  She lost all sight and feeling with the impressions the other
children had left in this room.  She lost her Connection with Bonetta, with the
monster, and even with Little Sister.  Then, the discipline wavered.  Just when
she felt herself about to give in to the monster’s logic and let go, the charm
reconnected her to everyone and everything.

Her body and
mind were suddenly wracked with guilt, shame, pain, and above all fear.  The
guilt was then so powerful that she felt hate.  She hated herself.  It twisted
in her gut and soured.  She almost vomited.  Kaley had never hated herself so
much, and was suddenly trapped in a world of self-loathing.