P.S. I Love You (37 page)

Holly blushed as Brian winked over at her and Chris smiled at her encouragingly; he was the only one at the table who knew about Gerry. Holly realized this was the first time she had had to answer this question since Gerry had died, and she was confused as to how to answer. “Em…no, I’m not really seeing anyone but…”

“OK then,” Tracey said, starting to write, “this month Taurus shall look out for someone tall, dark and handsome and…” She shrugged and looked up, “Anybody?”

“Because he will have a big impact on her future,” Alice helped out.

Brian winked over at her again, obviously finding it very amusing that he was also tall and dark, and obviously blind if he thought he was handsome. Holly visibly shuddered and he looked away.

“OK, the career stuff is easy,” Tracey continued. “Taurus will be occupied and satisfied by a new workload that comes their way. Lucky day will be a…” she thought for a while, “Tuesday, and lucky color is…blue,” she decided, looking at the color of Holly’s top. “Right, who’s next?”

“Hold on a minute,” Holly interrupted. “Is this my horoscope for next month?” she asked, shocked.

Everyone around the table laughed. “Have we shattered your dreams?” Gordon teased.

“Completely,” she said, sounding crushed. “I love reading my horoscopes. Please tell me this isn’t what all magazines do?” she pleaded.

Chris shook his head, “No, not all magazines do it like this, Holly, some of them just hire people who have the talent to make it up themselves without involving the rest of the office.” He glared at Tracey.

“Ha-ha, Chris,” Tracey said dryly.

“So Tracey, you’re not psychic?” Holly asked sadly.

Tracey shook her head, “No, not psychic, but I’m good as an agony aunt and at making up crossword puzzles, thank you very much.” She glared at Chris and he mouthed the word ‘wow’ at her.

“Ah, you’ve all ruined it for me now,” Holly laughed, and sat back in her chair feeling deflated.

“OK Chris, you’re next. This month Gemini will overwork themselves, never leave their office and eat junk food all the time. They need to find some sort of balance in their lives.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “You write that every month, Tracey.”

“Well, until you change your lifestyle I can’t change what Gemini will do, can I? Besides, I haven’t had any complaints so far.”

“But I’m complaining!” Chris laughed.

“But you don’t count because you don’t believe in star signs.”

“And I wonder why,” he laughed.

They went through everyone’s star sign and Tracey finally gave in to Brian’s demands that Leo be desired by the opposite sex all month and win the lottery. Hmm…wonder what star sign Brian was. Holly looked at her watch and realized she was late for her business meeting with Daniel.

“Oh, sorry everybody, I have to rush off,” she said, excusing herself from the table.

“Your tall, dark and handsome man awaits you,” Alice giggled. “Send him on to me if you don’t want him.”

Holly headed outside and her heart beat wildly as she spotted Daniel walking down the road to meet her. The cool autumn months had arrived, so Daniel was back wearing his black leather jacket again, teamed with blue jeans. His black hair was messy and stubble lined his chin. He had that just-out-of-bed look. Holly’s stomach lurched again and she looked away.

“Ooh, I told you!” Tracey said excitedly as she walked out the door behind Holly and hurried off down the road happily.

“I’m so sorry, Daniel,” she apologized. “I got tied up in a meeting and I couldn’t call,” she lied.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m sure it was important.” He smiled at her and she instantly felt guilty. This was Daniel, her friend, not someone she should be avoiding. What on earth was wrong with her?

“So where would you like to go?” he asked.

“How about in there?” Holly said, looking at the small café on the ground floor of her office building. She wanted to go to the least intimate and most casual place possible.

Daniel scrunched up his nose. “I’m a bit hungrier than that if you don’t mind. I haven’t eaten all day.”

They walked along together and Holly pointed out every single café along the way, and Daniel shook his head at each one. Eventually he settled on an Italian restaurant that Holly couldn’t say no to. Not because she wanted to go in but because there was nowhere else left to go after she had said no to every other dark, romantic restaurant and Daniel had refused to eat in any of the casual, brightly lit cafés.

Inside it was quiet, with just a few tables occupied by couples staring lovingly into each other’s eyes over a candlelit dinner. When Daniel stood up to take his jacket off Holly quickly blew out the candle on their table when he wasn’t looking. He was dressed in a deep blue shirt that caused his eyes to seem luminous in the dim restaurant.

“They make you sick, don’t they?” Daniel laughed, following Holly’s gaze to a couple on the far side of the room who were kissing across the table.

“Actually no,” Holly thought aloud. “They make me sad.”

Daniel hadn’t heard her, as he was busy reading through the menu. “What are you having?”

“I’m going to have a Caesar salad.”

“You women and your Caesar salads,” Daniel teased. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“Not really.” She shook her head and blushed as her stomach grumbled loudly.

“I think somebody disagrees with you down there,” he laughed. “I don’t think you ever eat, Holly Kennedy.”

Just not when I’m with you, she thought. “I just don’t have a very big appetite, that’s all.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve seen rabbits eat more than you do,” he laughed.

Holly tried to control the conversation, steering it into safe territory, and they spent the evening talking about the launch party. She wasn’t in the mood for discussing their private feelings and thoughts tonight; she wasn’t even quite sure what exactly they were right then. Daniel had kindly brought a copy of the press release so that Holly could look through it in advance and get to work on it as soon as possible. He also gave her a list of phone numbers for the people working on Blue Rock so that Holly could get a few quotes. He was extremely helpful, giving her tips on what angle to take and who to talk to for more information. She left the restaurant feeling a lot less panicked about having to write the article; however, she felt a little more panicked about why she had been so uncomfortable with a man that she was certain only wanted to be her friend. She was also still starving after eating only a few lettuce leaves.

She stepped outside of the restaurant for a breath of fresh air while Daniel kindly paid the bill. He was an extremely generous man, there was no denying that, and she was glad of his friendship. It just didn’t feel quite right for her to be eating in a small intimate restaurant with anyone other than Gerry. She felt all wrong. She should be at home right now sitting at her kitchen table waiting until twelve o’clock so that she could open her October letter from Gerry.

She froze and tried to hide her face as she spotted a couple walking toward her that she really did not wish to see. She bent over to pretend to tie her shoelace until she realized she had worn her zip-up boots that day and ended up embarrassingly fumbling with the ends of her trousers.

“Holly, is that you?” she heard the familiar voice. She stared at the two pairs of shoes standing in front of her and slowly looked up to meet their eyes.

“Hello there!” She tried to sound surprised while nervously steadying herself to her feet.

“How are you?” the woman asked, giving her a feeble hug. “What are you doing standing out here in the cold?”

Holly prayed that Daniel stayed inside for another while longer. “Oh, you know…I was just having a bite to eat,” she smiled shakily, pointing at the restaurant.

“Oh, we’re just about to go in there,” the man said, smiling. “It’s a shame we just missed you, we could have eaten together.”

“Yes, yes it’s a shame…”

“Well, good for you anyway,” the woman said, patting her on the back. “It’s good to get out and do things on your own.”

“Well, actually…” She glanced at the door again, praying that it wouldn’t open. “Yes, it’s nice to do that…” She trailed off.

“There you are!” Daniel laughed, stepping outside. “I thought you had run off on me.” He wrapped his arm loosely around her shoulders.

Holly smiled at him weakly and turned to face the couple.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there.” Daniel smiled, turning to face them.

The couple stared back at him stonily.

“Eh…Daniel, this is Judith and Charles. They’re Gerry’s parents.”

FORTY

H
OLLY PRESSED DOWN ON HER car horn heavily and cursed at the driver in front of her. She was fuming. She was mad at herself for being caught in such a situation. She was mad at herself for feeling that she
had
been caught in a bad situation when really there was nothing to it. But she was even angrier at herself for feeling like there was more to it because she had really enjoyed Daniel’s company all evening. And she shouldn’t be enjoying herself because it didn’t feel right, but it had felt so right at the time…

She held her hand up to her head and massaged her temples. She had a headache and she was overanalyzing things again and the stupid traffic all the way home was driving her insane. Poor Daniel, she thought sadly. Gerry’s parents had been so rude to him and had ended the conversation abruptly and charged into the restaurant, refusing to make eye contact with Holly. Oh, why did they have to see her the one time she was happy? They could have come around to the house any day of the week to see her feeling miserable and living the life of the perfect grieving widow. They would have been happy then. But they hadn’t, and now they probably thought she was having a great life without their son. Well, screw them, she thought angrily, pushing down on the horn again. Why did it always take people five minutes to move from the traffic lights when they went green?

She stopped at every single set of traffic lights she met, and all she wanted to do was to go home and throw a tantrum in the privacy of her own home. She picked up her mobile and called Sharon, knowing she would understand.

“Hello?”

“Hi John, it’s Holly, can I speak to Sharon?” she said.

“Sorry Holly, she’s asleep. I would wake her for you but she’s been absolutely exhausted —”

“No, don’t worry,” she interrupted. “I’ll call her tomorrow.”

“Is it important?” he asked, worried.

“No,” she said quietly. “It’s not important at all.” She hung up and immediately dialed Denise’s number.

“Hello?” Denise giggled.

“Hiya,” Holly said.

“Are you OK?” Denise giggled again. “Tom, stop!” she whispered, and Holly quickly realized she had called at a bad time.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just called for a chat but I can hear you’re busy there,” she forced a laugh.

“OK then, I’ll call tomorrow, Hol.” She giggled again.

“OK then, b —” Holly didn’t even get to finish her sentence as Denise had hung up.

She sat at the traffic light lost in thought until loud beeps behind her caused her to jump and press her foot down on the accelerator.

She decided to go to her parents’ house and talk to Ciara, as she would cheer her up. Just as she pulled up outside the house, she remembered Ciara was no longer there and her eyes filled with tears. Once again she had nobody.

She rang the doorbell and Declan answered.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” she said, feeling sorry for herself. “Where’s Mum?”

“In the kitchen with Dad talking to Richard. I’d leave them alone for a bit.”

“Oh…OK…” She felt lost. “What are you up to?”

“I’m just watching what I filmed today.”

“Is this for the documentary on homelessness?”

“Yeah, do you wanna watch it?”

“Yeah.” She smiled gratefully and settled herself down on the couch. A few minutes into the video and Holly was in tears, but for once they weren’t for herself. Declan had done an incisive, heartrending interview with a remarkable man who was living on the streets of Dublin. She realized there were people far worse off than she, and the fact that Gerry’s parents had bumped into her and Daniel walking out of a restaurant seemed like such a stupid thing to worry about.

“Oh Declan, that was excellent,” she said, drying her eyes when it had finished.

“Thanks,” he said quietly, taking the video out of the player and packing it in his bag.

“Are you not happy with it?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “When you end up spending the day with people like that it’s kind of hard to be happy about the fact that what he has to say is
so
bad that it’s making a great documentary. So therefore the worse off he is, the better off I am.”

Holly listened with interest. “No, I don’t agree with that, Declan. I think that you filming this will make a difference to him. People will see it and want to help.”

Declan just shrugged. “Maybe. Anyway I’m going to bed now, I’m absolutely knackered.” He picked up his bag and kissed her on the top of her head as he passed, which really touched Holly. Her baby brother was growing up.

Holly glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece and noticed it was almost twelve. She reached for her bag and took out the October envelope from Gerry. She dreaded the days when there would be no more letters. After all, there were only two left after this. She ran her fingers over the writing once again and tore the seal open. Holly slid the card out of the envelope and a dried flower that had been pressed between two cards fell onto her lap. Her favorite, a sunflower. Along with it, a small pouch had landed on her lap. She studied it with curiosity and realized it was a packet of sunflower seeds. Her hands shook as she touched the delicate petals, not wanting them to snap between her fingers. His message read:

A sunflower for my sunflower. To brighten the dark October days you hate so much. Plant some more, and be safe in the knowledge a warm and bright summer awaits

PS, I love you…

PPS, Could you please pass this card on to John?