Protected: Alien Mate Index Book 2: (Alien Warrior BBW Paranormal Science fiction Romance) (The Alien Mate Index) (17 page)

“Don’t you think I know that?” he growled. Reaching up, he unclasped my hands from around his neck. Gently, but firmly, he put them back down by my sides. “I could smell it on you—hell, I still can. You’re hot and wet between your legs—like a female in heat. Don’t you think I can tell how close you were to the peak?”

“Then help me reach it,” I begged, still unable to stop myself or control my needy lust. “Please, I’ve never…never had that before.
Please.”

“Don’t you think I wanna give it to you, darlin’?” Grav leaned down, holding my eyes with his, his gaze burning into mine. “Don’t you think I want to feel your sweet body coming under mine? But we can’t—
I
can’t.”

“Why not?” I demanded. “I don’t understand, Grav—why not?”

“Because I might not be able to stop, all right?” He growled, pulling away from me. “I’m half Braxian, Leah. We have a point of no return and I don’t want to go there with you. Don’t want to hurt you—all right?”

I could have cried with frustration. To have the pleasure I had always been denied so close—to feel it building and building almost to the peak one moment, only to have it yanked away from me at the last minute was enough to make me want to scream.

“I don’t care,” I said recklessly. “Don’t care about anything—just do it.”

“No.” He got off the bed with stiff, jerky motions and I could see the huge, long ridge of his shaft pressing hard against the crotch of his black leather trousers. “No.”

“But
why?”
I could feel the hot tears in my eyes now and I was helpless to stop them.
“Why?”

“Because
I
care, Leah. Care a hell of a lot more than I should.”

And with that, he left me panting on the bed, feeling ashamed and frustrated, but still aching with desire all the same.

Left me still wanting him.

Grav

I paced back and forth, up and down the length of the short main corridor of my ship, trying to get hold of myself. I was close…so damn close to that invisible line. And if I crossed it—if I
let
myself cross it…

Can’t do that,
I lectured myself sternly.
Can’t go there and you know it. She’s too far above you. You’re not worthy of one like her—not after what you’ve done. It’ll only end in heartache. For both of you. Better leave it alone…

It was damn hard to talk myself out of going back to my room, stripping off my clothes, and rejoining Leah on the sleeping platform. Especially when my mind kept wanting to replay the scene in my head—the sight of her moaning and writhing against me…arching her back to offer herself…begging for more…

No! I had to stop thinking like this.

If you want to put a damper on your feelings, just imagine what she’d think of you if she really knew you,
whispered a cynical voice in my brain.
If she knew what you did to get locked up in that triple max slam…

The thought was sobering.
Very
fucking sobering. By the time Leah came out of my room, wrapped modestly in the green cloak again, I just about had myself under control.

Just about.

“Grav,” she said, looking down and scuffing the toe of one little foot against the metal floor. “I…I’m sorry. I know I was acting kind of…crazy back there.”

“’s all right, darlin’” I said, a little stiffly. “You didn’t know what you were doing.”

“Yes, I did!” Her eyes flashed in her pale face as she looked up at me. “I knew what I was doing…and what I was asking for. I can’t blame any kind of temporary insanity. It’s my fault.
All my fault.”

“C’mon now, darlin’, I don’t think you can take
all
the blame. I think I might’ve had a
little
somethin’ to do with it,” I pointed out. “Especially since it was
me
sucking
your
sweet nipples and not the other way around.”

“You don’t understand…” She took a deep breath. “Remember how I told you that Gerald—my, uh, mate—that he had a reason to beat me?”

I frowned at her. “Look, I don’t care what you did—no male has the right to beat a female. It’s fuckin’ wrong. The Goddess made males strong to protect females—not hurt them.”

“I said he had a reason to—not that he had the
right,
although, I’m sure in his mind, they were one and the same.” She lifted her chin defiantly. “And before you ask, no, it wasn’t that I was cheating on him. Up until just now I’ve never done anything like that. Anything at all.”

“I believe you,” I said quietly, and I did. My Braxian nose can almost always smell a lie—and she didn’t smell like she was lying to me. “So what
reason
did he think he had?”

“I didn’t… I mean I…I couldn’t satisfy him. Sexually, I mean.” She twisted her fingers together and I had the feeling she wanted to look down at the floor, to study her shoes again, but she resisted the impulse. Instead she held my eyes with hers and kept talking. “I
tried
to, of course. I wanted to be a good wife, but I couldn’t help it. I…I…” She shook her head as if the words wouldn’t come.

“You what, darlin’?” I asked gently. I had the feeling she was about to admit something to me—something huge. Something she was ashamed of but needed to get out anyway. “You can tell me,” I said. “Tell me anything. I’m not in a position to judge you or anybody.”

“I never felt
anything,”
she burst out at last. “When we…when Gerald and I made love. It was like he was touching me with gloves on. Or maybe it was more like all my nerves were wrapped in cotton. I don’t know how else to explain it but I couldn’t…couldn’t get excited for him. Couldn’t get turned on. I tried to pretend but Gerald knew—he
knew
I didn’t feel anything when he touched me.”

The words were flowing faster now—I had a feeling this was something she’d been keeping bottled up inside her for a long time, maybe for years—and now it was finally coming out.

“I tried. I tried
so hard.”
There were tears in her eyes now. “But it was like that part of me was missing. I thought there was something wrong with me. I…I
still
think that.” She put her face in her hands and sobs shook her narrow shoulders. “I’m broken,” she whispered.
“Broken.”

“Darlin’…” I couldn’t stand to see her in pain. Crossing the room in two strides, I took her in my arms, even though just minutes before I’d been telling myself I should never touch her or be close to her again. But her tears were too much to bear.

Standing on her tiptoes, Leah wrapped her arms around my neck and for a few minutes, she clung to me and wept. I stroked her hair and whispered soothing words, comforting her as best I could, while I ached for her pain. It occurred to me that this was the first real break-down she’d had, despite all that had happened to her and everything her worthless mate had done. It was surprising to me that she’d held out this long and I didn’t blame her for losing it a little now.

Females need to cry sometimes. I don’t mean to say they’re less than males because of that, or that they’re too emotional. It’s just that their emotions are closer to the surface. As a Protector who specializes in warding only females, I know this to be true. Just as I know the best way to deal with such heartbreak is to hold your female and let her cry.

So many males want to fix the problem—to go out and right the wrong or provide an answer that will turn off the tears and push the uncomfortable emotions aside.

That’s because it’s easier to play the hero than the comforter.

But in the end, your female needs a comforter more often. And if you’ll only hold her and let her weep once in a while when she needs to, I promise she’ll see you as both and you’ll both be the happier for it.

Leah wasn’t my female—not really—but I knew enough to hold her and let her cry herself out. Let her get out some of the pain and tension and heartbreak that must have been building up in her for years until she could finally speak again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered at last, letting me go to swipe at her eyes. “It’s just…I’d never felt anything sexually, and I thought I never would. Until you…until you healed me. Healed the bruises and cuts on my face, I mean.” She motioned to her lovely, delicate face. “And then just now, when you healed the scratches the kit made.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know why that is, I swear I don’t, darlin’. I know males of the Twelve Peoples often heal their mates but I’ve never heard tell of it turning, uh, sexual.”

“Magda said something to me about it.” She nibbled her lush lower lip, making me want to kiss her there. “She said it had to do with my own, uh, talents. And that the more I was healed, the more it would make my ‘need’ grow.”

“Did she, now?” I frowned. “That’s fuckin’ strange. She thought it was bound up with your
La-ti-zal
powers?”

“I think so.” Leah shrugged. “But I don’t
have
any powers.”

“They just haven’t manifested yet,” I told her. “Sarden told me it took a while for Zoe’s talents to come all the way in. But when they did…well, it was a sight to behold.” I shook my head. “She took down a conspiracy that threatened to overtake the entire planet of Eloim single-handed. And I have faith you’ll have powers that rival hers in time.”

“I don’t want all kinds of mysterious powers.” She looked up at me appealingly. “I…I just want to
feel
. For once in my life, I want to know what everyone else is talking about. I want to be alive—to know I’m not broken.”

She looked up at me with wide, wet eyes and I felt my heart fist up in my chest. Gods, she was so beautiful! It made me ache to look at her. But she wasn’t for me—I knew that well enough without anyone having to tell me.

“Darlin’,” I said as gently as I could, cupping her cheek in my hand. “I understand what you’re saying and believe me, I’m flattered and honored. But I’m
not
the male to give you those, uh, those
feelings
.”

“That’s not true.” She shook her head. “Grav, you’re the
only
male that’s ever given me those feelings.
Ever.”

“But I’m not the right male for you,” I told her, though I ached to take her in my arms and give her more of those feelings she wanted so desperately. “I wish I was, Leah.” I stroked her cheek and looked into her eyes. “I wish I could take you to my room right now and lay you down and touch you and taste you everywhere,” I growled softly. “I’d like to run my hands all over your ripe, luscious body and worship your sweet little pussy with my tongue until you came all over my face.”

Her breath seemed to catch in her throat and she looked up at me with so much need and longing in her eyes I had to look away before I lost control.

“Then why don’t you?” she whispered. “Is it because I’m married—joined—to Gerald?”

I shook my head. “That’s not it. I believe when any male lays his hands in anger or violence on a female, he invalidates any vows he took with her. He loses her. So in my eyes, you’re not joined to him anymore.”

“Magda said something like that,” Leah murmured. “She said it was a false joining—that a female who’s a
La-ti-zal
often won’t react until she feels the touch of the right male.”

“And I believe you’ll find that male,” I said, though the words seemed to stick in my throat. “But
I’m not him.”

“Why?” she asked. “I know we haven’t known each other long. I know it sounds crazy to be having this conversation but—”

“It’s not crazy,” I interrupted her fiercely. “I feel for you too, darlin’—don’t ever think I don’t. But I’m not right for you. I’m not anybody you should be mixed up with.”

“Is this about what that bouncer said?” she demanded. “The one at the bar—about you being in some kind of prison and killing people to get out?”

“Something like that,” I said shortly. “That and worse.”

“What? Just tell me,” she begged. “Give me the facts and let me make up my own mind, Grav.
Please
.”

“No.” I turned away from her, unwilling to see the hurt in her eyes. But how much worse would it be—how would she look at me if she knew the truth? The truth of what I’d done, which was considered the worst crime any male with Vorn blood can commit? I’m half Braxian but I’d been on Vorn Five when I did it—among my father’s people.

“Was it bad?” she said softly. “Are you sorry for it—whatever it was?”

“Yes, it was bad and no, I’m not sorry.” I rounded on her, frowning. “In fact, I’d do it again.”

“Oh.” She looked down at her fingers. “I see.”

“No, you don’t. And you won’t
try
to see…or try to find out about me if you know what’s good for you.” My voice came out harsher than I had intended. I tried to soften it some. “Look, darlin’, even if my past wasn’t standin’ between us, I’m a hybrid—a half-breed.”

“What does that mean?” She looked up at me.

“Means I couldn’t ever bond you to me properly,” I said. “You’d never have that certainty that all females crave—that bond with your male that no one can break. You wouldn’t want to live like that.”

Leah lifted her chin and put a hand on her hip.

“So it’s a
commitment
issue. You don’t want to be tied down to the crazy girl who can’t enjoy sex. That’s okay—I understand.”

“You seemed to be enjoyin’ it just fine a few minutes ago,” I said dryly. “And I never said you were crazy, or that I didn’t want to commit to you. I said I
can’t
because of what I am…and because of what I’ve done.”

“This is nuts.” She threw up her hands, which made her cloak gape open to show the creamy swells of her breasts. I felt my shaft surge, felt my whole body yearn for hers, but I fought the urge back grimly.

“Nuts?” I asked, my voice coming out sounding hoarse. “I thought you told me those were an Earth food.” She’d told me something about the small, crunchy, salty foods when I was making her one of my Braxian dishes.

“Nuts also means crazy. Insane. Stupid.” She shook her head. “We’re nuts to be having this conversation. As I said before, we haven’t even known each other a week. Also, I’m married—even if it
is
to an abusive asshole. So what right do I have to ask you to make a commitment to me when I’m not even free to commit?”