Promise to Keep (16 page)

“Clo, what are you doing here?” Jackson demanded as he put on his boxers.

Unable to speak for fear I’d lose it completely, I bit my lower lip hard, trying as hard as I could to hold back the tears. Feelings of betrayal, rejection, and disappointment crashed through me all at once. I met Jackson’s gaze and the look of guilt that twisted in his face only hurt me more. But I refused to let them see how upset I was at this very moment. Before I would allow any tears to fall down my cheeks, I turned from them and fled from the room, leaving behind my best friend and my childhood nemesis.

As I ran down the staircase toward the front door of the frat house, the unrelenting images of their naked bodies grinding against one another flooded through my mind.
You’re not together! You’re both single! It’s just a stupid childhood pact!

CHAPTER FI
FTEEN

Spring 2005

Twenty Years Old

JACKSON

I was seconds away from reaching my climax when I saw Chloe at the doorway staring at us in shock.

“Fuck! Chloe? What the fuck are you doing here?” I pushed Amber off of me, realizing how bad this must have looked to Chloe.

I saw Chloe’s expression change from shock to confusion to pain when she saw that the girl was Amber.

I wanted to say something, but Amber beat me to it.

“Don’t you know how to knock, Chloe? Or do they not teach you guys that at Penn?”

At that moment, I wanted to smack Amber across the face for what she’d just said to my best friend.
Has she always talked to Chloe that way? Does she think I somehow favor her over Chloe just because she is one of my fuck buddies?
I wanted to cuss Amber out, but one look at Chloe and I knew that had to wait.

“Clo, what are you doing here?” I grabbed my boxers and slipped them on quickly, feeling unusually self-conscious about her seeing me naked.
Did she like what she saw? Could I possibly turn her on?

I watched Chloe expectantly, waiting for her to say something. But she just stared at me in silence, biting her lower lip like she was holding herself back from saying anything to me. The pain and disappointment that filled her misty eyes caused my chest to tighten with guilt and shame.

Before I could say another word, she suddenly turned around and ran out of my room. I leapt to my feet, ready to go after her. But Amber stepped in front of me, pressing her palm against my chest to stop me.

“We should let her go. She shouldn’t have barged in on us like that. There’s nothing we can say to her to make her feel better.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Amber?” I spat out as I knocked her hand off my chest. “There is no ‘we’ between us, and I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for this to ever turn into a ‘we’ situation.”

Amber recoiled at my words and I saw the indignation on her face, shocked that anyone would treat her this way. I realized then that I’d never snapped at her before. I’d always thought she’d grown up and wasn’t the self-absorbed “mean girl” like she was in elementary school. But when I saw how she’d treated Chloe moments ago, I realized that Chloe was right. Amber hadn’t changed for the better—if anything, she’s worse than she was in first grade.

Without another word to Amber, I moved around her and ran out the door after Chloe.

By the time I got outside, Chloe was already in her car, about to start her engine.

“Clo!” I called out to stop her as I ran to her car.

She looked over at me and my chest tightened at the sight of tears in her bloodshot eyes.

“This was a bad idea, Jax. I shouldn’t have stopped by unannounced.”

“No, it’s okay. Clo, come out of the car and let’s talk. I know you wouldn’t drive this far to see me if it wasn’t important. What happened?”

But she ignored my question and glared at me. “Why are you sleeping with Amber? How could you do that to me?”

I flinched at her questions and suddenly felt as if I needed to defend myself. “Clo, I know you don’t like her, and to be honest, I don’t care for her either, but it’s just sex.”

“But how can you have sex with
her
of all people?”

Her question again left me feeling defensive. I didn’t know why, but I felt a strong urge to apologize. But what was I apologizing for? For sleeping with a girl she didn’t like, or for something more?
But she’s not my girlfriend! I don’t owe an apology if I haven’t done anything wrong.

“Look, she just came over for the house party last night and we had a bit too much to drink. It was just sex. It’s not a big deal. I’m not somehow favoring her over you. You’ll always be my best friend, and she’s an acquittance at best. It’s not something you should be upset about and cry over.”

I thought she’d relax after I tried to reassure her, but instead, her expression became stone cold. “I know we’re just best friends and you see me like your sister and maybe that’s why you don’t like us talking to each other about our sex lives, but can you honestly tell me that you don’t see anything wrong with you sleeping with Amber?”

Her sister? What was she talking about?
Does she only see me as a brother figure?
I was so thrown off balance by that comment that I realized I hadn’t heard the rest of her question.

“What was your question?”

I saw her face twist with annoyance. “I asked, do you honestly think you didn’t do anything wrong when you slept with Amber? You know I don’t like her. You know how mean she’s always been to me.”

I sighed, feeling like our conversation was going in circles. “Clo, I’m not trying to be an ass here, but I’m really not sure why you’re so upset. I don’t see anything wrong with having casual sex with someone. It has nothing to do with our friendship, and it doesn’t affect our friendship at all.”

“How do you figure?” she retorted, demanding me to elaborate. “How does that
not
affect our friendship? You just fucked a girl that has it out for me.”

Now it was my turn to be annoyed. How could she be so upset with me? It wasn’t like we were in a relationship or anything. It wasn’t like I was cheating on her. “Because it was
just
sex. Clo, I don’t know how many different ways I can say this. It’s casual sex and it has nothing to do with our friendship. I’m not any better friends with her now than I was before fucking her. I don’t care any more about her now than I had before fucking her. Our friendship, and my feelings toward you, hasn’t changed for me because I’d fucked her.”

“So let me get this straight. From what you’re saying, I can just sleep with anyone I want, even if it’s someone you don’t want me to sleep with? And I don’t need your approval and that it’s okay because it’s just sex and doesn’t mean a thing?”

I wasn’t sure what she was trying to get at with her questions, but I could tell she was upset. So I agreed with her without asking further. I was tired of us arguing over something so stupid. “That sounds about right. I can’t tell you who you should or shouldn’t sleep with. That’s your prerogative. And honestly, I don’t really want to know.”

“You should go back to Amber,” she replied flatly as she turned her attention forward and started her engine. “I don’t want you to give her the wrong idea about us.”

I was confused, and hurt, by her words. If this wasn’t her way of telling me she wasn’t interested in me, I wasn’t sure what was. But I wanted to test her one last time.

“Clo, we’re both single. I know you sleep with random guys like I sleep with random girls. Why are you so upset about Amber? Are you jealous?”

I wanted her to say she was, but she didn’t. Instead, she locked eyes with me and said coldly, “I came here because I thought I needed to tell you something, because I felt bad and thought it was something that’d affect our friendship. So I wanted to tell you as soon as I could. But after this morning, I think I was wrong about that. You’ve made it clear that whoever we casually sleep with has no bearing on our friendship. So thanks for saving me the effort of that conversation.”

I wanted to ask her what she meant by all that, but before I could, she sped off. I watched her drive off, wondering what this was all about. Had she met someone new that she was interested in? Was she here to tell me about him and how much she liked him—or loved him? Had I somehow just pushed her away and into the arms of that man? My chest ached in pain at the thought and I wondered if my worst fear was being realized: Was Chloe going fall in love and marry someone before she turned thirty?

CHAPTER S
IXTEEN

Present Day

Thirty Years Old

CHLOE

“Hey, Charlie.” I tried to sound cheerful as I walked into the house and saw Charlie at the dining table. My encounter with Jackson was still fresh on my mind and the coldness he had for me continued to grip against my heart, and I found it difficult to breathe when I thought about him. His words today had stung me more than I’d thought possible. And what was worse was that he used to buy me tulips when I was sad, and it seemed ironic that it’d be a bouquet of tulips that was the cause of my current sadness.

“Hey, kiddo. I heard you fainted last night. You okay now?”

I forced a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just dehydrated. No biggie.” I walked over to the table and a genuine smile spread across my face. “Is this the new case you were telling me about the other day?”

Charlie grinned ear to ear as he looked at me. “Yeah. It’s a new environmental project the city is doing along the Schuylkill River. There’s a lot of possible legal implications from the project, so they’re taking me on to help with the research.”

“That’s so great, Charlie. This is like the sixth project they’ve sent over to you in the last five years?”

“Yeah, it’s been great being able to work again. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed that feeling of contributing to something and being a functioning member of society.”

I could tell how happy he was and it almost brought tears to my eyes to know that his life wasn’t completely ruined by my selfishness years ago.

“So my mom said you’re thinking of moving back to Philly?”

“Yeah.” I gave a shrug. “L.A. wasn’t what I thought it’d be. So I was going to live with you guys for a bit while I figure things out.”

“That’s great. I guess you can have your room back.” He pretended to be upset.

I giggled. “It was your room first. I don’t mind staying in the guest room.”

“Nah. I don’t want that room. You can have it. After dad put up all those fake stars on the ceiling, it never felt like a room for a middle-aged guy. So it’s all yours, kiddo.”

I beamed at him, knowing he was just saying that to let me have the room. “Thanks, Charlie. You’re the best.”

“Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.” He gave me a wink before he returned back to his work.

Feeling a little better after talking to Charlie, I decided to take a walk to clear my head and figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. When I opened the front door to leave the house, my breath caught in my lungs at who I saw walking up the driveway toward me.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was Jackson.

He looked up and met my eyes and I stood there, momentarily frozen, wondering what he was doing here. Aunt Betty wasn’t coming back home until tomorrow, so he couldn’t be here for her. Could he possibly be here to see me? I didn’t dare hope for this as a possibility, not after my last few attempts in trying to talk to him. He’d made it perfectly clear to me that he hated me, and there was nothing I could say to change that.

But what was he doing here then? Deciding to throw caution to the wind at the risk of another heartbreak, I forced my feet to move forward to meet him halfway.

“Hi, Clo,” he said softly when we stopped in front of each other.

My heart fluttered when I heard his nickname for me leave his lips.
What does this mean?

“Hi.” The simple word came out breathy from my mouth as I gazed into his eyes, trying to read his thoughts. “What are you doing here?”

“I just got back from the hospital.”

“Okay.” I felt a trickle of nerves paralyze me as it moved down my body. “Aren’t you supposed to be on the train back to New York?”

There was an unusual smile on his face and I couldn’t work out what he was thinking.

“I’ve changed my mind. There is something here that I need to stay for.”

“Oh, there is?” I felt disappointed by his words. Had he met a girl last night at the wedding that he was interested in?

“So you know how I said earlier today that I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk to you?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I’m ready now…if you’re still willing to talk to me.”

For a moment, I just stared at him in silence, wondering if I’d heard him correctly.

“Yeah,” I responded softly. “I want to talk.”

We stood there in silence, expecting the other person to say something first. It then occurred to me that during all this time I’d wanted to talk to Jackson about what happened years ago, I’d never actually thought about what we’d talk about when we actually talked.

“Umm. So what do you want to talk about?” I asked, hoping he had something in mind.

“I hadn’t actually thought about that yet.” I watched him turn and look over his shoulder before he turned back to me and continued, “It’s a nice day out. Wanna take a walk?”

I nodded.

We walked in silence for a few minutes. We kept our eyes forward but would occasionally sneak a sideways glance at one another when we didn’t think the other person was watching.

Then at the same time he blurted out, “I’m sorry, Clo,” I said, “I’m sorry, Jax.”

I gave him a small smile. To my surprise, he gave a light chuckle and he flashed me one of his boyish grins.

“Clo, your aunt said some things to me today that made a lot of sense, and it’s really got me thinking about what happened to us ten years ago.”

“Oh? What did she say?” I felt nerves prickle down my spine. I hadn’t prepared myself for the possibility that Aunt Betty was going to say anything to Jackson.

“She said that I needed to hear your side of the story, that things weren’t as simple as I’d thought they were.”

“Yeah, they’re not,” I agreed softly.

“I’m sorry, Clo. I know that I can be pretty rash and stubborn, and quick to jump to conclusions. After talking to Aunt Betty, I realized that I’d never once stopped to listen to your side of the story. That’s not what a best friend would do. And thinking back to the two years before that night with my father, I remembered all the times you’d called and texted and I’d ignored you because I was stupid and I was so self-absorbed in my own world to realize something was wrong. I remembered all the times you’d told me point blank that you needed me and I blew you off like your words didn’t carry any weight. I really wasn’t there for you and I really didn’t know what was going on in your life. And yet I turned on you and never gave you a chance to tell me what was going on.” He looked away in shame.

Touched by his words, I felt my heart go out to him. “It’s okay, Jax. I wasn’t always great at being your best friend. I let my pride dictate a lot of things that had happened, and I wasn’t as straight-forward with you as I could have been.”

He let out a sigh. “I can’t believe it’s taken me ten year and a kick in the head by Aunt Betty to finally sit down to hear you out. I’m a total idiot.”

“I’m not going to disagree with that.” He turned to look at me, and I let out a giggle. Then I shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

He chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, it is. But I’m here to listen now, Clo. Can you tell me everything that happened during those first few years of college? How did things get so screwed up between us?”

For the next half an hour, I told him about what happened after he didn’t show up for my birthday, about how lonely I’d felt, and about how I’d guilt-tripped Aunt Betty, Uncle Tom, and Charlie to visit me. I told him about the accident, about Charlie’s medical bills, and about the possibility of losing the house. I told him about being upset with him for not returning my calls or text messages, about going out and having a one-night-stand, about how the stranger thought that I was an escort and how I started doing that to secretly pay for Charlie’s medical bills. And finally, I told him the most difficult part to tell—I told him about his father, about the times he’d touched me growing up, about how he had me blindfolded our first time so I wouldn’t know it was him.

I saw the anguish and anger in Jackson’s eyes as I retold that story. I knew it wasn’t something anyone wanted to hear about their own father.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, Jax,” I said softly. “I never wanted you to find out that way. I’d wanted to tell you everything that had happened, especially with what happened with your dad.”

“So why didn’t you tell me about what happened with him?” There was a mixture of anger, disappointment, and sorrow in his voice.

“I tried,” I assured him. “I wanted to tell you as soon as it happened.”

“But how come you never did?”

I paused as all the unpleasant feelings from that moment in time came rushing back to me. “I tried to as soon as I saw that it was your dad. I couldn’t sleep that night and I left Philly really early in the morning so that I could get to Harvard around ten in the morning. I figured you’d be up by then.”

He frowned. “I don’t remember you visiting me to tell me anything.”

I cleared my throat. “That was the time I visited you unannounced and I walked in on you having sex with Amber, and then we had that huge fight.”

There was a moment of silence, as if he was replaying that moment in his head. Then suddenly, something in his expression changed completely. There was a look of understanding and horror that painted across his face. Finally, he turned to look at me, his eyes full of despair, and he murmured in a low, tormented voice, “It’s my fault. I told you it was okay. I told you I didn’t want to know… I drove you to him.”

***

It was almost by instinct, or habit, but as we walked and talked about everything that’d happened in college, we somehow found ourselves in that park with the small lake that was near our houses.

As I snuck a sideways glance at Jackson, I realized that every fond memory of this park included him. The place was less than a mile from our neighborhood and we used to come here for hours at a time. He’d taught me how to skip rocks in the lake—telling me that the trick was to find the flattest rock with the most surface area. I still remember the sheer sense of accomplishment when I’d skipped a rock across the lake and watched it leap five times across the water’s surface before it’d disappeared.

“I loved feeding the ducks here when we were younger.” Jackson’s words interrupted my thoughts, and they caused me to smile. He was also reminiscing on the amazing times we’d had here.

“Me too,” I whispered. Our eyes met in a smile, and I saw the familiar warmth in his rich, emerald eyes that I’d yearned for during the past decade.

“Remember the time you fell into the lake and I had to save you?” He laughed at the memories as a wistful expression blanketed his face.

“Umm, no, Jax.” I frowned at him “I didn’t
fall
into the lake. You
pushed
me into the lake and then tried to play the hero when you rescued me, remember?”

“Really?” He twisted his face as he tried to recall the memory.

“Yes,” I said as I shot him an exaggerated glare, “You thought it’d be fun to act out a scene from
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
. But the only problem was, you forgot to tell me that it was your plan before you pushed me in. You basically just pushed me in and then told me afterwards when I was crying.” I made a face at him when his face lit up as the memory came back to him.

“Oh yeah. Oops.” He chuckled. “Guess boys will be boys.” He shrugged and flashed me one of his I’m-so-innocent grins.

I rolled my eyes at him. “That’s your excuse for everything.”

He laughed and then abruptly stopped as he looked over at me. “I’ve missed you, Clo.” His eyes were full of emotion when I gazed up at him.

Those simple, sincere four words were all that it took for the tears to collect in my eyes.

“I’ve missed you, too, Jax.”

We smiled at each other in silence as we gazed into each other’s eyes.

“Hey, let me try something,” he said suddenly as he took a step forward me, our faces only inches apart. Then he held my gaze without saying another word.

I frowned, feeling a little nervous by the intensity of his stare and the proximity of his body to mine.

But he didn’t seem to notice my unease. Instead his lips curled into a devious grin, and he continued to stare at me, never moving a muscle.

“What?” I finally asked. “What is it?” I giggled nervously.
Is there something disgusting or dirty on my face? Is it a bug?

“Nothing,” was all he said as he flashed me a coy smile.

“Jax, this isn’t funny,” I warned, feeling uneasy.

Suddenly, he burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re pretty adorable when you get nervous, too.”

“Too?” I searched his face for an answer, starting to feel annoyed. “What do you mean? Tell me!” I slapped him across the chest, shooting him an evil eye.

He chuckled. “Fine, I’ll tell you. Just don’t abuse me like that.”

I rolled my eyes at his silliness. “I guess some things never change.” He was the same boy from decades ago who teased me and called me Pippi Longstocking, the same boy who knew how to push my buttons and annoy the crap out of me.