Progress (Progress #1) (11 page)

“You sure smoke a lot.” She looked down, trying to hide her concern.

“How do you think I lost fifty pounds?” I raised a brow and elbowed her arm. “I know. I’ll quit when I get pregnant.”

“Pregnant?” Her head snapped toward me.

“I’m sure it will happen someday,” I whispered.

Karal gave me a half-smile. “Look, I’m not going to press you about Jesse. But I’m here if you want to talk about him. Or anything else. I won’t judge you. Promise.” She put her arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry about last night. I’d like to say it was the beer talking, but I obviously have some shit I need to sort out.”

“I’m going to say something, babe. And I want you to repeat after me, okay?”

I lightly snorted. “Okay.”

“I’m beautiful.”

I tried to hide my gasp, but failed. “Can we not do this?”

“Just say it once.”

I looked back out into the lake, my eyes glossing over. Another shiver rolled up my arms, and my chin quivered.

“Please, just say it once, for me? I won’t ask you to say it again.”

I sniffed, never realizing before how difficult two words could be, and scratched my head with an embarrassed chuckle. “I’m…” I cleared my throat. “I’m beautiful.”

She squeezed me closer and lowered her voice to a whisper. “When you’re ready, I want you to say it over and over again in your head. Say it as many times as you need to. Say it until you believe it. Because there are so many beautiful things about you, Charlie. So many things you don’t let yourself see.”

I couldn’t speak. I knew I’d cry if I did. So I simply nodded and put my head back on her shoulder.

We watched the sunrise together in silence.

***

The three of us spent the afternoon napping in the sun and curing our hangovers with margaritas and mimosas—
naturally
—with our feet hanging over the edge of the dock.

As the dark of night approached, a strange familiar feeling started settling in. The blue dragonflies danced in the sky above us, and the smell of the lake water washed over my senses. But it wasn’t exactly the same as I’d remembered as a kid. Something about air or the company or the night felt off. Weightless and empty, time stopped. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that something was wrong.

But as the alcohol numbed my fingertips and soaked through to the majority of my nerve endings, I didn’t notice the anxiety as much as I normally would have. My hazy mind thought it best to leave the panic for another day.

The beer flowed, the s’mores flamed, and we welcomed the evening that buzzed with the sounds of crickets, frogs, bats, and an occasional bass leaping from the lake.

“Truth or dare!” Angie said.

I dipped my chin and stared at her like she’d lost her mind. “Angie. We’re not twelve.”

“Indulge me. I’m only nineteen. And I’m drunk. So my capacity for intelligence just took a three-year hit.” Angie smiled.

“I haven’t played that in years!” Karal said. “I wanna go first!”

Angie stuck her tongue out at me, and I snorted with an eye roll.

“Okay, Karal. Truth or dare?” Angie said.

“Truth,” Karal said, clapping her hands together.

“Okay. If you could go back in time and eliminate one lover, who would it be?” Angie said.

“Oh, that’s easy. Jared. His dick was crooked. It freaked me out.”

Covering my mouth, I spit out my beer so quickly that I felt the burn in my nostrils. “Crooked?”

She grimaced. “Is it bad I nicknamed him Captain Hook?”

Angie took deep breaths between her fits of laughter. “Was it really that bad?”

“Horrible.” Karal cracked another beer. “And it was a weird color. It definitely deserved its own handicapped sticker.”

Angie popped a marshmallow in her mouth and dusted off her hands. “You’re next, Charlie. Truth or dare?”

“I’ll sit this round out. Thanks, though.”

“Nope, no way. You’re playing,” Angie retorted.

“Why? If you have a question, just ask me.”

“Play the fucking game. It’s supposed to be fun. And you’re killing my buzz!”

I exhaled. “Fine. Dare.” I cringed, wishing I could take it back. But before I could say anything, she’d already spit it out.

“Take off all of your clothes and jump in the water.”

My jaw dropped and my eyes popped out of their sockets. “Fuck you. Nuh-uh.”

We sat in a stare-down for at least thirty seconds.

“Dude. You totally chose dare.” Angie snickered.

I waited for the shakes to come. I anticipated my fear getting the best of me, and that any minute my head would begin to spin.

But they didn’t come.

Karal winked at me and nudged her chin out toward the beach. “It’s dark. No one will see you. The closest house is too far and I haven’t heard them all weekend. I don’t even think they’re home.”

I swallowed and tugged on my lip. The night air suddenly chilled, and I rubbed my arms for warmth. Karal smiled and mouthed the words
you’re beautiful
, and I frowned at how ungrateful I was for the compliment.

Angie wouldn’t relent, I knew that. But I also knew that at any point I could just walk away from the fire and resign for the evening. I didn’t have to play their little game.

Or I could’ve just pulled up my big girl panties—errr, pulled them down—and had it over and done with in less than five minutes. I certainly had enough alcohol in my system to make the task bearable, so maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought.

“Fine,” I said, my stomach shuddering with turns and flips. I got to my feet and walked slowly to the beach, removing my shirt as I went. Then one by one, I unclasped each hook on the back of my bra. But by the time I removed it, I was out of their sight. I could barely see the sand under my feet, let alone thirty feet in front of me. From their vantage point, I doubt they could even make out my silhouette.

When I reached the edge of the water, I stripped off my jeans and underpants, letting them rest next to a large boulder so I’d know where to find them when I returned.

“You go girl!” Angie shouted, and I lowered myself into the shallow waters of Lake Mille Lacs, keeping my middle finger above my head in case she could see it.

The moon shone down on my pale skin. Even with the sun I’d gotten that afternoon, I still looked like a ghost. The reflections danced around me, my ears trying to pick up on any tiny sound or sudden movement in the trees.

It was lonely out there, and a little scary too. It had been more than ten years since anyone had seen my flesh, and I was surprised to see how well I handled it. The booze helped.

My belly held a large bulge, and my thighs weren’t even close to having a gap. I still felt my double chin every time I spoke, and I saw the way Jesse looked at me. I wasn’t even remotely on his radar. But I was moving forward, doing something about it. I could at least applaud myself for my efforts.

The stars began to sparkle, and I couldn’t help but stare. But the realization struck me:

I was drunk.

In a lake.

Naked.

Smart. Really smart. Get your ass back to the fire.

I laughed and got up, gathering my clothes on the way back. By the time I got there, I’d managed to get my tee back on. I slipped on my panties just as Karal turned her head.

“Where’s Ang?” I asked, sliding one leg into my jeans.

“She had to pee. How was the water?”

“Surprisingly warm,” I said, trying to maneuver my bra underneath my T-shirt. The old high school locker room trick never failed. Under the shirt, clasp, twist, and slip the arms through. Piece of cake.

“Oooo. I might have to go for a swim!” Karal said.

I smiled and heard Angie rustling through the grass. “Charlie? Oh, Charlie?”

I turned to Angie’s voice, but I couldn’t see her yet. The glare from the fire was too harsh and Angie was back by the cabin where there was little light.

“You better be naked or in your swimsuit,” I shouted. “Because I’m dragging your ass to the lake and throwing you in!”

“Put your clothes on, Charlie. You’ve got company,” Angie sang.

My brow furrowed and I looked down to my shirt. “What are you talking about?” I laughed, remembering our conversation from the night prior. “Did you pick up the pizza delivery guy?”

Angie came into the light of the fire, her face twisted into a frown. “You could say that.”

“Oh yeah?” I opened the cooler and took out a beer.

“Yeah.” Angie’s voice sounded hoarse, and I looked up again just as she stepped aside.

Approaching the fire, the faces became clearer.

“Ladies, Jesse Anders has joined the party,” Angie snarled.

And I dropped my beer.

Chapter Twelve

Charlie

“Holy shit,” I whispered. “Why?” I looked around, baffled. “And how?”

“It was easy,” Jesse said, shame-faced.

I had absolutely no idea what to do. Angie’s arms were folded and she tapped her foot. Karal had a smug smirk on her face and gave him a small wave. I, on the other hand, stood dumfounded.

“What are you doing here?” I finally said.

He chewed the inside of his cheek, trying to mask his smile. With a straight face and a curt nod, he said, “I wanted to talk to you.”

Karal gasped and covered her heart with her hands, as though this were some romantic gesture on Jesse’s part. Angie rolled her eyes at Karal, and I exhaled very, very deeply.

But why now? Why here?
What would make someone drive two hours north just to talk to someone? Crazy. Crazy was why. It was the only logical explanation.

My shoulders sagged and I walked past him. “Follow me,” I whispered harshly.

Jesse didn’t respond, but nodded a hello to Karal and followed me through the lawn. Once inside the cabin, I grabbed a beer from the fridge and opened it. After drinking half the can in one gulp, I finally looked at him.

A reddish-black scrape rested over his swollen lip and his right eyebrow was covered in Steri-Strips holding a gash together. Another large hole appeared where his labret had been, almost as if it had been ripped out.

“Why?” I asked.

“You…” He swallowed nervously. “I’m just, I mean I…” He scratched his temple, looking down at the floor. “I wanted to thank you.” He breathed. “In person.”

“You drove all this way to thank me? That seems a little strange. Couldn’t it have waited until Monday?” I sounded a lot harsher than I intended, but none of it made sense. “The gas to get here is expensive, and you have a shift tomorrow morning—if you still have a job, that is.” My eyes searched the room. “Not to mention that we’re not exactly friends right now. Why didn’t you just call?”

When he didn’t respond, I sensed his embarrassment about showing up. Although I certainly wasn’t making any of it easy on him.

Let him talk, Charlie.

“Let me talk, Red,” he said softly.

I nodded and set my beer down on the counter.

He fidgeted for a moment, letting his eyes wander around the room. Raking his hair back, he scratched his head with an exaggerated sigh. “I don’t…” he began. “I don’t like it when you go away. I don’t like it when you’re not where I can find you.” He looked away when he saw my reaction, and whispered, “I just need you to be close.”

“But why?” I took a step closer. “And how did you find this place?”

He grinned. “We’re in the restaurant industry. Everyone knows everything about everybody. I just made a few calls. You aren’t the only Crimson employee to have visited this place.”

Perhaps his reasoning for finding me should’ve been obvious, but I was too stupid to recognize it. For however casual our relationship had been up until that moment, his attendance seemed too abrupt, too eager. There was really only one explanation.

He needed me.

The thought thawed my demeanor, and I nudged his arm walking past him. “Come on. Let’s go.”

“I don’t need to stay, Charlie. I wasn’t planning—”

“Stop it. You’re staying. There’s plenty of room here. There are six beds upstairs and three couches down here. I’m not going to let you drive home tonight.” I gestured for him to follow me as I walked up to the loft. “We’re heading back tomorrow afternoon anyway. You can sleep in this bed, if you’d like. The three of us have been sleeping in these over here. The bathroom is downstairs. Go get your things out of your car. I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“I’ve gotta try and figure out how I’m going to explain this to Angie and Karal,” I mumbled, walking down the steps.

“Wait, Charlie!” he called. Jogging over to the steps, he hovered over me with one hand on the railing. “I really did want to say ‘thank you.’ No one has ever done anything like that for me before.”

“What? Bail you out of jail?” I giggled. “Do you find yourself in that situation often?”

“No, I mean, spend that kind of money to help me.”

“Well, Dad wants every penny returned.” I smiled at his gratefulness that seemed to shimmer through his deep blue eyes. “But I’m sure you have some time,” I added.

I walked back up the steps slowly and he took a step back. We stood eye to eye, and I smiled at the realization we were the same height. He shoved his hands in his back pockets and shifted his weight to one foot. With some hesitation, I brought my hand to his shoulder and had to take a breath the keep my nervousness in check.

“I’ll always do anything I can to help you.” My sudden dizziness brought my hand back to my side, and I felt in the pit of my stomach the weight my words carried. I took a deep breath and shook my head. “You’re my friend. It’s what we do for each other. I’d expect you to do the same for me if you could.”

He chewed his lip, smiling at my words.

“What?” I asked. “What’s so funny?”

“I’ve never been friends with a chick before. They never get that far.”

I snorted. “Just don’t add my number to the pile in the ashtray of your car, and we’ll figure out the rest.” I winked and went back down the steps.

Walking slowly out to the fire, I tried to find a dialogue about how I could explain him to Karal and Angie. More so, Angie. None of it ended well. All I could do was tell them the truth and hope for the best. Regardless of how lame the truth sounded.

The girls giggled as I approached.

“What the fuck is going on?” Angie shouted a whisper. “I thought you said you two weren’t dating.”

“We’re not.” I sighed. “He just needs a friend right now.” I turned my head toward Karalee. “I’m so sorry he crashed. We’re going to stay away from the party. I’ll take him down to the beach to talk.” My brow lifted as I silently asked for Karal’s approval.

“Oh, I don’t care that he’s here!” Karal said. “But you do realize how this looks, right? I mean, you’re obviously pretty important to him.”

“I am.” I smiled.

Angie rolled her eyes. “He’s going to use your ass and toss you aside.”

“It’s not like that between us,” I shot back. “It’s not that kind of a relationship, Ang. We’re friends.”

She put her hands up. “Just sayin’. Mark my words.”

Karal waved her off. “Don’t listen to her. She’s drunk. It’s almost ten o’clock and she’ll be passed out within the hour.”

I’d seen Angie a lot worse than she was at that moment, and even I’d heard her warning. But I was eager to prove her wrong about him. He wasn’t as bad as everyone thought. Maybe not even as bad as
I
thought.

“Thanks, Karal.”

I walked back to the cabin and found Jess inside on the couch, picking at the scab on his lip.

“Don’t pick!” I said, walking into the room.

He jumped up at my sudden voice and faced me. His eyes shifted downward, starting at my face and stopping at my hand. “How’s your wrist?”

“Huh?”

His jaw tensed and he looked away. “I’m sorry for what I did to you a few weeks ago. Outside The Crimson. I don’t know why I did it. Sometimes it’s just hard to control.”

The bruising was gone now, but it had been there for at least a week. I’d almost forgotten about it.

Almost.

“I’m fine. Do it again, though, and I’ll hand you your ass.”

He nodded with a small smile. “Is everyone okay with me being here?”

“Well I don’t think Angie will be heading up your fan club anytime soon, but Karalee is cool. Do you want something to drink? A beer?”

“Maybe just water. I tend to get myself into trouble when I drink.” He pointed at his eyebrow.

I took two bottles of water from the fridge and handed him one. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Jake and I got into a fight.”

“Your roommate?”

“Yeah. He was with a girl I used to know.”

“With? He was
with
a girl?”

“Yeah. I walked in on them.” He glanced down at the tattoo on his arm and looked out the window.

I sat down on the couch. “She must have been someone special then?”

His breath caught and he scratched his head. With a shake of his head, he joined me on the couch. “The one that got away.”

“What was her name?”

“Bree. She was perfect. Small, brunette. A dancer.” He sighed. “Yeah, special.”

I nodded with a thick swallow, feeling his words settle into me. A small stab to my chest ached, and I curled my knees up to my chin. “Girlfriend?”

“Everything. She was all of it. Best friend, girlfriend, and a lover. Sometimes even a mother. It went on for years. I went through a rough patch a few years ago, and she was the reason I got up every morning.” He smiled and looked to the floor. “But one day she just left.”

“Why?”

He dipped his chin toward me, looking to me as if I already had that answer. “Mood swings.”

“Ahh. They’ve always been a problem?”

“Pretty much. And I wasn’t exactly faithful to her either.”

I laughed. “You’re such a dick. You deserved it, then.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I deserved it.”

“When was this?”

“We met a long time ago. I was nineteen. She was fifteen.”

I closed my eyes so he couldn’t see my eye roll. “You fucked a fifteen-year-old when you were nineteen?”

“No,” he said. “I never had sex with her. Not until she was eighteen anyway. I suppose that’s why I wasn’t exactly faithful.”

I hesitated, not knowing if I’d trigger his temper, but decided to push it. “Did you love her?”

He shook his head. “Love is a figment of our imaginations. A warm, cuddly pillow to grip onto when you think you’ve got nothing else. It’s an illusion. Love only happens if you’re tired and weak.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to fathom the mind of a person who truly believed something like that. But I refrained from telling him he was wrong. Dead wrong. “Regardless of your theory—or what I think of it—you still didn’t answer the question.”

He looked away, taking a sip of his water, and his knee began to bounce.

My statement was rhetorical, and I figured he wouldn’t likely have much more to say about it, but I enjoyed the jab anyway.

“Wanna smoke?” I offered.

“Yeah,” he said, flashing a quick smile.

***

“You two behave now! I don’t want to have to explain to the neighbors about the moaning tomorrow!” Angie said as we passed the campfire.

He smirked and glanced at me from the corner of his eye, but we didn’t respond.

“Did I tell you I used to be a Marine?” he said quickly, changing the subject just as we reached the beach.

I sat down in the sand, staring at him in wonder. “No shit? I guess that explains your body.”

My eyes bulged and my face burned.

Oh my God. Mortifying. Find your filter, for fuck’s sake. Admitting to him that you’ve checked him out doesn’t exactly scream ‘Hey, let’s be friends!’

“Ha!” he let out a small laugh. “Thanks. But I only made it to boot camp. Dishonorably discharged.”

I blinked. “What happened?”

“I punched my drill sergeant in the nose.”

“Yeah. Probably not the smartest decision.” I chuckled. “Why’d you hit him?”

“He made a crack about my mother.”

I swallowed, and my smile turned down.

There was so much there. Twenty-five years of a life that I knew nothing about. And he’d only just scratched the surface. One thing was for certain: his mind—and his history—went a hell of a lot deeper than I would’ve given him credit for. Every scar on his body, every facial expression, and every person he’d met before me had made him the man he was at that minute. And something told me I could try my damnedest to get to the bottom of that abyss, and I’d lose myself in the journey.

“I’d say this is a night of confessions. What else haven’t you told me? We’ve never talked about this kind of stuff before.” I stretched my legs out, trying to act as casual as possible, and the tips of my toes touched the water.

He smiled and lay beside me, folding his arms over his chest.

“Hmmm, let’s see.” He rubbed his hands together. “What else?” Looking up into the night sky, he contemplated before answering. “I used to be a professional mountain biker. I traveled around the country entering competitions.”

“Really? I didn’t know there
was
such a profession. How did you make a living on that?”

“If I was good enough, I won money. First and second place could win quite a bit.” He shrugged. “But that was rare for me. I’d only win enough to get me to the next race; I lived on the road and worked odd jobs when I ran out. A shoe company paid me to wear their stuff during televised events. That kept me in gas and food.”