Private Parts (33 page)

Future ambition:
To move out of his parents' house.

KENNETH KEITH KALLENBACH

Defining characteristic:
The ultimate airhead.

Origins:
Wrote a letter to my TV show and claimed he could blow smoke through his eyes. When he attempted to do it, all he could do was vomit. A television first.

Greatest accomplishment:
Blowing up his genitals at a bowling alley in Union, New Jersey, during the taping of my TV show and getting thrown off the set by producer Dan Forman.

Future ambition:
To move out of his parents' house.

SIOBHAN (PRONOUNCED SHIVONNE)

Defining characteristic:
He cross-dresses. Also has a third nipple.

Origins:
Wrote a letter to the show and went on Transsexual Dial-a-Date. Frequently propositioned me when he was trying to be a woman.

Greatest accomplishment:
Asexual for over three years.

Future ambition:
To retain his penis.

FRED THE ELEPHANT BOY

(FRED SCHREIBERI
)

Defining characteristic:
His speech impediment.

Origins:
Was recommended to Baba Booey by a fellow employee who thought he'd be great on the show because of his speech impediment and because he was a twenty-eight-year-old virgin.

Greatest accomplishment:
Finally got laid after a second Dial-a-Date.

Worst moment:
Was walking across the room at Captain Janks's house and tripped over the phone cord. He fell face first into the phone and his nose disconnected the call while Janks was next on line with Larry King to speak to Governor Mario Cuomo.

Future ambition:
To get laid for the second time in his life and to move out of his parents' house.

VINNIE D'AMICO

Defining characteristic:
Eats live worms.

Origins:
Came up to the radio show and told Baba Booey he would eat a mouse if he was allowed on the show.

Greatest accomplishment-Eating a
live mouse in a club in Manhattan after choking it and dipping it in olive oil.

Worst moment:
Was prevented by armed agents of the ASPCA from doing the same thing at the taping of my live U.S. Open Sores show at the Nassau Coliseum.

Future ambition:
To stick his head in a ceiling fan while it's on. Don't try this at home!

VINNIE MAZZEO

Defining characteristic:
So desperate for a laugh as a stand-up comedian that he sets his penis on fire when bombing at local comedy clubs.

Origins:
Gave me a picture of himself lighting himself on fire.

Greatest accomplishment:
Setting his genitals on fire and frying an egg over them at the Underwear and Negligee Party.

Worst moment:
Immediately after setting his genitals on fire and frying an egg over them at the Underwear and Negligee Party.

Future ambition:
To get a laugh without burning himself.

DR. MARSHALL KING

Defining characteristic:
Not wacky himself but he gets people to do wacky things. Can get beautiful semi-naked babes to think they're having an orgasm every time they rub their noses by giving them a posthypnotic suggestion.

Origins:
Found at listener's K-Rock house party in Westchester.

Greatest accomplishment:
Getting two beautiful semi-naked babes to sit on my lap and orgasm simultaneously.

Future ambition:
To work your parties and Bar Mitzvahs.

RACHEL THE SPANKER

Defining characteristic:
Can smoke cigarettes using her vagina.

Origins:
Sent me a dirty postcard in which she fantasized spanking me in the studio. Her fantasies were fulfilled.

Greatest accomplishment:
Sucked my toes, attempted vaginal insertion of my big toe while under the console ... nude.

Future ambition:
None that we know of.

DANIEL CARVER

(KKK GUY)

Defining characteristic:
Was fired from his job because of his Ku Klux Klan membership and the lunatic race messages on his telephone hot line.

Origins:
His KKK hot line was often played by me on my radio show.

Greatest accomplishment:
Was center square on Homeless Howiewood Squares game show on my TV show.

Worst moment:
On our
Butt Bongo
video segment, Guess Who's the Jew, he scored zero.

Future ambition:
To cleanse his race of "niggers, kikes, faggots, and Mexicans."

THE KIELBASA QUEEN

Defining characteristic:
Is able to deep-throat thick, twelve-inch kielbasas.

Origins:
Came to open call for Super Bowl girls. Recommended by her friend, the Snake Queen.

Greatest accomplishment:
Got a Naples (Florida) affiliate to drop my TV show after she deep-throated a thick, twelve-inch kielbasa.

Future ambition:
To become the Watermelon Queen.

CELESTE

Defining characteristic:
Drags her foot.

Origins:
Called radio show.

Greatest accomplishment:
Had sex with a blind man for our TV show.

Worst moment:
Getting dropped by nurses and breaking her hip after undergoing radiation treatment for cancer in a hospital.

Future ambition:
To live a long and healthy life.

MELROSE LARRY GREEN

Defining characteristics:
Holds up signs at the intersection of Melrose and Highland in Los Angeles at least once a day.

Origins:
Hounded Gary and Stuttering John in a coffee shop until they noticed him.

Greatest accomplishment:
At a gas station, he ran into rap star Ice-T, who admitted to being a big fan. Larry said, "Of Howard or me?" Ice-T

answered, "I never heard of you, but I like Howard."

Worst moment:
Not getting on the show for months, therefore his celebrity dried up.
Future ambition:
To be an unpaid Los Angeles correspondent for the "Howard Stern Show" or mayor of Los Angeles.

IN MEMORIAM

TED THE JANITOR

Defining characteristic:
Worked as a janitor and had a great sense of humor about sex.

Origins:
I discovered him because he let me into the building every day and laughed at my jokes.

Greatest accomplishment:
Told Robin he wanted to play road with her on national TV. When asked what "road' was, he said, "That's where Robin lays down on the ground and I blacktop her."

Worst moment:
Dying.

Future ambition:
Does not apply.

The Power of Negative Thinking

Celebrities Who Irritate Me
Chapter 11

Oh, man, my blood is boiling just thinking about all the self-indulgent, narcissistic, self-important celebrities who walk around and act as if they're God's gift to the planet. I hate these arrogant jerks! They have a carefully cultivated show-biz good-guy veneer that masks their insincerity and greed. With me, what you hear is what you get. That's why my listeners love me so much. I'm not afraid of the truth! I'm perfect. And that's the truth.

"You ain't made it until you get hit by Howard Stern."
-- Tony Orlando

OPRAH WINFREY

I have no idea why people like Oprah Winfrey. She just stole Phil Donahue's format and she gets all these poor slobs to go on TV, spill their guts, and she doesn't give them a dime, she just speeds off in her Rolls-Royce after the show. She's a big dolt with an empty, oversized head and $250 million.

She's always testifying before some committee in Washington on child abuse and telling about how she was molested by everybody in her family -- uncles, cousins, guys coming in the door, you name it. No wonder she had to go to Capitol Hill, she had to get out of that house. And there's Teddy Kennedy going, "Er, ah, er, ah, bend over, tubby." I wondered if her family sent around one of those Xeroxed Christmas newsletters. Imagine the possibilities. Here's a parody we made up on the air:

Hi everybody!

Just wanted to let you all know what's gone on for the past year. Guess what? Oprah got raped by her uncle and then her cousin came over and molested her. Then a few family friends stopped by and they molested her, too. The rest of the year went okay because in March, Uncle Al nailed Oprah in the seat. But, other than that, everything's fine. Dad is now working on a new project, and Mom is making quilts. The good news was that in November, Grandpa couldn't get it up, so Oprah was spared that humiliation. We'll check in with you next year. Happy holiday!

I don't know about all these stories. Oprah's got a sister who claims that Oprah was just promiscuous, so we don't know what the hell was going on. But if she was abused, it's great how she was able to take that tragedy and turn it into a positive by getting rich on other people's abuse stories. I'd love to follow the life of a person who's gone on "Oprah." This person admits to performing bestiality on a cat and, after the first euphoric fifteen minutes of being on

national television fades, realizes that Oprah pays her guests nothing to ruin their lives in front of millions of people.

And I love the topics she comes up with. I remember one time she had a woman on whose husband was a doctor. They were in the middle of a messy divorce and this woman had to go into the hospital for surgery and while she was having her uterus removed, her husband came in and sewed up her vagina. And Oprah said, "He sewed up your vagina?"

"Yes, he sewed up my vagina."

"He sewed up your VAGINA?"

"He sewed up my vagina."

It seemed as if she said "vagina" twenty times. I had never heard the word said that many times in my whole life. Then this woman went into a detailed description of how her plumbing still dripped all day because she had no more bladder control and it hurt to have sex.
Every minute detail.

Where does Oprah come up with this stuff?

Women who cook their fetuses for Thanksgiving dinner, on the next "Oprah." Dial 1-900-HI-OPRAH if you're a woman who has cooked her own fetus for a Thanksgiving dinner because I want to speak to you on my show. I want to get you up on stage, I want you to tell me your story for free, and then I'll just walk right away after we're done taping. Men who wrap their penises Christmas morning for their kids. If you're a father who's ever done this or you're presently serving time for doing this, I would appreciate your calling and letting me know. Trapeze artists who have left a testicle up on the high wire
-- on the next "Oprah Winfrey Show." If you're a trapeze artist who had this happen to you, dial me up at 1-900-HI-OPRAH ...

ARSENIO HALL

But if you think Oprah's bad, check out Arsenio Hall. So many of my black friends tell me they wish they were yellow, they're so embarrassed by this triangle-headed moron. He is everything that is wrong with show business, with that phony backslapping, kiss-ass sucking up to anybody who comes on the show. And fuck me if I'm wrong, but since when does someone use the word
posse
and not get kicked out of Hollywood? I wanted to vomit the one time I saw

Assholio on the Oprah show. Those two show-business phony baloneys. Why can't there be just one honest TV talk-show host?

"You know, Arsenio, all you do on your show is suck ass," I imagined Oprah would say.

"Well, you a blood-suckin' ripoff, honey. Phil Donahue invented everything you ever done."

The Honest Oprah Show. Boy, would that audience go wild.

Instead we have this world-class no-talent sycophant Arsenio, who packs his show with that kiss-ass audience that woofs at anything he says.
Spy
magazine did a great piece on that awhile back.
Spy
actually clocked the woofs. Listen to these jerks. When Arsenio said that Haiti's new president resembled MC Hammer, they woofed for 12.74 straight seconds. When he impersonated his uncle eating grits, they woofed 15.89 seconds. Try that at home. Woof for 15.89 seconds right now, without stopping.

There. Don't you feel like a total moron?

I was a guest on Arsenio's old Fox show. That's probably where our feuding began. I had done a few TV pilots for Fox and the total idiots who run Fox had no idea what to do with me. Meanwhile, the producer of my show was producing their late-night show and Arsenio was the lame-duck fill-in after Fox fired Joan Rivers. For some reason, the producer thought that if I appeared on the show, he would show the execs that I was bankable and they'd go to series with my pilots. I flew out to do the show for one reason and one reason only:
to trash the shit out of Fox!!

I went out to L.A. with Baba Booey and everybody was thrilled to see us. We got the full Hollywood hug treatment. Then we went backstage and they had lavish gift baskets in the dressing rooms with monogrammed JR robes and soap left over from Joan Rivers. Nice big spread of food, the works. Okay, I was the first guest.

"Time
magazine called my first guest an equal opportunity offender. The FCC called him on the carpet for his blue-tinged broadcast on WXRK. Let's welcome the meanest, nastiest, dirtiest deejay in the whole wide world. My man, Howard Stern," Arsenio said.

We shook hands and I sat down and surveyed the set.

"So, how does it feel to be part of a failing show? How long before you get the pink slip?"

I was going right for the jugular.