Private Parts (10 page)

I ran right home with that filthy magazine. But then I had a problem. Where was I going to keep it? I couldn't keep it in my room. Then I had a brilliant idea. I always stole my father's cigars. I used to smoke them down in the basement. Then I'd hide them in my sister's doll case, which was also in the basement. She had stopped playing with her dolls, so I thought it was safe. Thank God my sister never got the urge to play with her dolls again. They really reeked from cigars.

I got totally into masturbation. But when you're living in a tiny, cramped house and your parents' bedroom is a foot and a half away, it becomes Mission Impossible to jerk off without your parents finding out. So when I wanted to jerk off I had to walk into the bathroom, grab a couple of tissues, and hide them in my underwear. Then I'd flush the toilet for effect and nonchalantly walk back to my room. I'd say goodnight but I couldn't close the door because then they'd get suspicious. I'd lie there totally quiet and jerk off like a jackrabbit. I trained myself to come so fast it's no wonder that I couldn't last more than a few seconds when I finally began to make it with real live girls.

A few strokes and
boom
I exploded into one of the tissues. "Honey! Honey West, I love you!" Then, my penis would drip, like a leaky faucet, so I would wrap it in another tissue. God forbid I should get semen stains on my underpants with my mother perusing each pair with a microscope. The whole process of jerking off was so complicated. It had to be so well thought out. I used to fantasize having my own apartment so I could jerk off in peace. My nightmare continued because the next trick was to get to the bathroom with that dangerous cargo. I had to flush that squishy load down the toilet without attracting my parents' attention.

One time I was on my way to the bathroom holding this scum-soaked tissue in my hand when, all of a sudden, my mother walked by me in the hall. I was cool under pressure. I immediately blew my nose into the soiled tissue. It was disgusting, the semen smearing all over my face, but it worked. My mother never caught me. Then, at this tender age, I had my first homosexual experience.

"We were never privy to Howard's masturbation. Never saw him do it."
-- Ben Stern

Now, I'm all man; I don't want to mislead you. And I can't stand the thought of a man's ass as a sexual object. Have you ever smelled a man's ass with the hairs and pimples? I'm going to throw up.

But one day at my house one of my stupid friends suggested that we masturbate ... each other. I wasn't interested in him seeing my little dick, so I reluctantly agreed to help him out. He pulled his pants down around his ankles. I started to rub his dick up and down when he told me I was doing it all wrong. He took his penis between his two hands and started rubbing his hands together like he was starting a fire.

This shit was all too weird for me, so I got the fuck out of the room. And I never again thought about guys . . . except for FABIO, my dream man. Ah, those luscious lips. Just kidding, you pricks.

I first discovered real live girls when I went to sleep-away camp. I was thirteen and I didn't look too bad. I didn't have my big nose yet and I had short hair. I always wore sunglasses to look cool, so my friends called me Shades of Blue. That summer I met my first girlfriend. Her name was Judith and she was a piece of ass. She was much more mature than any of the other thirteen-year-old girls. She looked like a real woman -- huge tits, curvy body, the works. I finally got up enough nerve to ask her out and she actually became my girlfriend. That meant we kissed on the lips maybe once and she wore my I.D. bracelet. Hey, we were going steady!

After we came home from camp, I wrote her from time to time. She lived in a place that was alien to me -- Far Rockaway. Meanwhile, I was such a moron because Far Rockaway was about a half hour's drive from where I lived. But you have to remember, living at my parents' house was like living in a prison. It never even dawned on me to ask my father if I could call her. Finally, that New Year's Eve, I got up the courage and asked my father if I could make a long-distance call to Far Rockaway. He said okay and I called Judith and invited her to come visit me and she said yes. I was jazzed.

Better yet, she was coming over on a day that my parents were going away, which meant I had the whole house to myself with her. The only problem was I had no fucking idea what to do with her. There weren't any porno films back then for me to learn from.

Then I remembered a book my parents had sort of hidden with their other books in the living room. They probably thought it was safe to keep it there because they knew I never read any books.

It was a sex manual called
Your Wedding Night.
I opened the book.

It had pictures of breasts and vaginas and penises and it showed intercourse. I concentrated on the part about french kissing and petting. So Judith came over and we spent the whole day talking. I was nervous as shit. Finally, I got her up to my bedroom and I leaned over and kissed her and that was it. I didn't even have the balls to put my hands on her tits.

But I had my first girlfriend ... until we went back to camp the next summer. When I got there, my good friend Lewis Weinstein (who later became a doctor) came up to me and said, "What do you have a girlfriend for? Are you crazy? Play the field. Break up with Judith." I had no idea what "playing the field" was, but Lew seemed to know what he was talking about. I was a flaming asshole. I had the best-looking girl in the camp and I broke up with her. He told me all the girls would be lining up for me. Easy for him to say. He always had a remarkable ability to attract women. So, like an imbecile, I listened to Lew and I broke up with Judith.

Lew had a great summer. I, on the other hand, was miserable for the rest of the summer. No one would even look at me. Judith, naturally, found a new boyfriend in two seconds.

In fact, I didn't get another girlfriend until I was sixteen. Back home, no one would talk to me. I was a real misfit in high school. But

that summer I went to Camp Wel-Met again. Right away, I met a really cute girl named Nancy. We hit it right off. So one night, she and I sneaked off to the waterfront and started making out. We were buck naked and I was fingering her and I figured, this is it! I'm getting laid! There was no way that I was going to go home from camp and hit seventeen and still be a virgin. So we were going at it by the water, and suddenly she said, "Let's go in the water and skinny-dip."

Eighteen years old and a fucking mess.

Now I was really confused. I didn't know what I was doing, yet now I had to figure out how to do it in the water. We were standing in the water French kissing and I was trying to decide what to do. So I squatted while she stood. My balls and my ass were in this freezing cold water and she was looking at me as if I was crazy. Was I supposed to lay her down in the water and fuck her? Were we supposed to squat and fuck? Between my nerves and my dropping body temperature, I was shivering violently... like an epileptic. She was disgusted.

So back we went onto the beach, and by now I was freezing even more. I fingered her some more but she was really drying up on me. And my breath stunk because I had a nervous stomach. I was this skinny, shaking, smelly thing. It was amazing she didn't throw up on me. Here was my big opportunity to lose my virginity but I was also really paranoid that I would get her pregnant, because I certainly didn't have any rubbers. I was also nervous that we'd get caught and get thrown out of camp, so we got dressed really quickly. I threw my pants on and stuffed my underwear in my back pocket. I went to see my friends, who were hanging out in the main lodge, and they saw the underwear sticking out of my pocket and they went wild.

"Way to go!" they screamed. They figured I got laid. I didn't have the heart to tell them I didn't. But the next day I told Lew. We decided to drive into Monticello to get rubbers. Lew was, by far, the more sophisticated of the two of us. He had a full beard when he was thirteen, and he was really self-confident, so we decided that he'd do the talking to the pharmacist. We went into the drugstore and I was nervous as hell. Lew was like a pro.

"Could I have some lubricated Trojans, please? Do you have the ribbed ones?" He had this down cold. Meanwhile, I was standing next to him, screaming, "Me, too! Me, too!" like a demented little child. Lew was poking me in the ribs to shut me up. The druggist gave us each a three-pack and we were set.

The next night, Lew grabbed a girl, and
bang,
he used one of his rubbers right off the bat. Meanwhile, I was with Nancy, but after that fiasco, she wouldn't fuck me. She realized I was a virgin. That three-pack stayed unopened the whole summer.

After camp I called her and pleaded with her to come over to my house. She came over one weekend when my parents were gone and as soon as she was in the door, I was begging her to have sex.

"No!"

I gave her alcohol.

"No!"

I broke out my pitifully small stash of pot.

"No!"

"But I really love you, Nancy."

"No."

She was coming up with every excuse in the book, but I wasn't buying it.

"I've got my period."

"I don't give a shit, let's fuck!"

"NO!"

Finally, after three hours of begging, I wore her down. We went upstairs and she got naked and she looked great. We started to fuck and I lasted all of three seconds. But I wasn't a virgin anymore! I was elated.

"Let me get some wine. Let's make a toast." I was carrying on like a maniac. Meanwhile, she found some blood on the sheets and she was disgusted by the whole thing.

A couple of months later, I was at a party. I was no longer a virgin but I might as well have been for all I did with Nancy. I met a girl there named Janice. This girl was drop-dead gorgeous. A true blonde, with huge tits. She even had an older boyfriend who was away at college.

Normally, I'd have no chance with a girl like that who knew me from school because I was such a geek in high school. But Janice went to a different high school, so she was looking at me and all she saw was some guy with long hair. I offered to turn her on -- again breaking into my pitiful nickel-bag stash -- and she must have figured I was a major pot dealer. To her, I was a happening druggie. I had a license. I was driving my dad's Mercury Montego. I was cool. She fell head over heels for me. She was propositioning me all night. I didn't know what to do, so I got her number and said, "I'll call you."

Finally, I called her. I took her back to my house because at this point, my mother was working (Mom got a job as an inhalation therapist at Mercy Hospital, and her day consisted of extracting globs of disgusting-looking mucus out of diseased lungs). This was the perfect opportunity to score.

I called upon all my seduction skills.

First, I broke out the pot, but I made her go out to the garage to

The toastmaster general at my sister's wedding, during my senior year in high school.

smoke it, so my parents wouldn't smell it later. That really must have made her feel as if she was with a grown man.

"Janice, do you mind going out to the garage to smoke this pot?"

How debonair.

How Long Island.

Then I broke into my father's liquor cabinet to make her an apricot sour. While she was drinking alone, I immediately had to run into the kitchen to wash out the blender so my mother wouldn't see a dirty blender and put two and two together. This had to be a dream date for her. Sitting alone on my parents' stupid couch while her hot man was in the kitchen tidying up.

How romantic.

How seductive.

How fucking lame can you get?

Finally, I took her upstairs to my room, where I was going to put the final touches on the seduction by playing some music on my little stereo.

So what does the ultimate Casanova choose for lovemaking music? Neil Young's "Down by the River, I Shot My Baby." This had to be the most depressing music on the planet. Even
I
was ready to slit my wrists.

While this music was on she started getting all weepy about her boyfriend in Albany, but I just kept plowing on. I didn't want to hear about her stupid fucking boyfriend.

I started to try to take her shirt off.

"No, don't take off my shirt," she said. "My boyfriend always keeps my shirt on when we have sex." I started thinking that maybe she was missing a breast. I asked her if I could feel her up under her shirt. "Oh, sure," she said. "Just don't take off my shirt." I started to pull her hiphuggers off and she was wearing tiny little panties. I slowly pulled her panties down and saw the most magnificent thatch of billygoat light blond hair. Oh, man! I started fingering her and she was hot and wet and turned on. She pulled down my pants

and she grabbed my cock as if she was uprooting a carrot in the garden. She was saying, "Oh, yes! Oh, yes! That's it! C'mon already, do it to me!"

I had done this once before, for about three seconds, so I was fumbling with the rubber. When I got it on I said, "Guide me in."

"What?" she moaned.

"Guide me in."

"What do you mean?"

"Put me in you." I sure as shit wasn't having any luck getting in there by myself.

"You never did this before!?" she started screaming at me. So we started arguing back and forth.

"I did, I swear I did. I just prefer women to guide me in," I was screaming.

So she took my cock -- she was totally disgusted with me by now -- and she started to put me in her. The second I felt her wetness,
BOOM,
I shot my load. She had no idea that I was done. I wasn't even all the way in yet. Meanwhile, she was crying hysterically.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I can't take this," she sobbed. "I'm not doing this because you don't know what you're doing!"

"Perfect!" I said. " 'Cause I don't want to do this either." Meanwhile, if I hadn't finished, I wouldn't have given up so easily.

"I have to call my boyfriend in Albany," she suddenly decided.