Princess on the Brink (9 page)

Now the big question is: Do I tell Tina?

I mean, obviously, I can’t tell
Lilly.
She’ll see right through my plan and know what I’m trying to do. Which is not to express my undying love and devotion for her brother, but to try to control him.

With sex.

I highly doubt she’d approve.

Plus, she’ll totally accuse me of violating the feminist code by using feminine wiles instead of my brain as a means to get what I want.

But isn’t that what Gloria Steinem did when she went undercover as a sex kitten to expose the poor wages and long hours of the Playboy Bunnies, helping to improve their working conditions in the Grotto? I’m doing the same thing, basically. I am sacrificing my virginity in order to keep a valuable asset of our community from leaving it for a far-off shore. In the long run, my sleeping with Michael tonight will only benefit the U.S. economy.

You could almost say it’s my duty as a citizen to Do It.

On the other hand, if Lilly and J.P. really did consummate their relationship over the summer (although I have been observing them both closely at lunch, the only period we all three share together, and beyond the Yodel exchange, I have seen no overt signs of shared intimacy. They don’t even hold hands in the hallway or kiss when they see each other in the morning. Which may just be because they save all the lovey-dovey stuff for when they’re alone together. OR it may be because they haven’t gotten as far, intimacy-wise,
as rumor would have it), Lilly ought to totally understand.

I mean, hormones are VERY POWERFUL things. It’s not easy to fight them. Surely Lilly, of all people, would understand.

Except, of course, if you give up fighting them for the Wrong Reason.

Mia—what are you doing? Are you taking notes? I thought you read
Franny and Zooey
already!

No. I’m not taking notes. I’m writing in my journal. Tina, I have something to ask you. But I’m scared you might hate me for it.

I could never hate you! Besides, anything is better than listening to her going on about Salinger’s fusion of Judeo-Christian and Eastern religions.

Well, here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m going to be one of the Last Virgins at AEHS after tonight.

WHAT??? YOU AND MICHAEL ARE GOING TO DO IT!!!! OH, MIA!!!! WHEN DID YOU TWO DECIDE THIS????

Well, WE didn’t decide it. I decided it. Don’t hate me, okay? But Grandmère gave me the key to the suite she’s not using over at the Ritz, and I’m going to take Michael there tonight and surprise him.

You mean you’re going to make sweet tender love to him so he’ll have a beautiful memory to carry with him as he heads halfway across the world in order to prove himself worthy of you? Mia, that is SO ROMANTIC!!!!!!

Um, actually, I was going to make sweet tender love to him so he’d change his mind and stick around New York. Because what guy is going to move to Japan if he can get regular sex right in his own neighborhood?

Oh. Well. That’s good, too. I guess.

Seriously? You don’t think I’m evil for trying to manipulate him emotionally? Using my Precious Gift?

Well, I understand why you’re doing it. I mean, you love him, and so naturally, you don’t want to lose him. And I know Boris didn’t help at lunch yesterday, when he said all that stuff about clarinetists. Although truthfully, Mia, I highly doubt Michael is going to run into any clarinetists in Japan.

Still, I’m not sure I can risk it, Tina. I’ve got to do SOMETHING. I’ve got to TRY.

Right. But are you REALLY ready to go All the Way? I mean, have you been practicing with the showerhead, like we learned how to do that night we saw
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
on pay-per-view?

Of course! That movie was SOOOOO educational.

Right. And I mean, according to that movie, the whole thing should only take about one minute, given that this will be Michael’s first time.

Yes, but then according to that movie, the second time should take TWO HOURS.

It took me that long the first time with the showerhead. But I think it was because I was thinking about the wrong person. I was thinking about Boris, but later I figured out it works much better if I think about Cole from
Charmed
.

Me, too! I mean, about the two hours. But James Franco from
Tristan & Isolde
, not Cole.

Do you think it’s going to work in real life? I mean, without water?

I don’t know, Tina. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take, if it will mean keeping Michael by my side.

I totally understand. And I am with you 100 percent. You have condoms?

Of course. And I’m stopping by Duane Reade after school for some contraceptive sponges. Because you know condoms alone are only, like, 95 percent effective against preventing pregnancy if used correctly. I can’t
risk that extra 5 percent.

But what’s Lars going to say when he sees you buying contraceptive sponges? He’s going to know they aren’t for a class, like the condoms were. He takes all the same classes as you do—even if he doesn’t exactly pay attention in them (then again…neither do you)!

I’m going to tell Lars they’re a joke present for you. So play along, okay?

Ha. Ha. Ha. A joke present for me. That’s really funny.

Well, I can’t say they’re a joke present for Lilly, because what if Lars asks her????

You aren’t telling Lilly about this?

Tina, how can I? You know what she’ll say.

That if Michael doesn’t go to Japan, then his robotic surgical arm will never get made, and thousands of people will die who might not otherwise if you had just let him go?

Ouch, Tina. That really hurt.

I mean, I’m just saying that’s what LILLY would say. I don’t really BELIEVE that. At least, not very much. Michael is a very resourceful person. I’m sure he’ll
find a way to make his robotic surgical arm here. It’s just that…did I mention my dad is on medication now for high blood pressure and high cholesterol, and his doctor says if he doesn’t cut back his red meat intake, he’s a prime candidate for bypass surgery?

Well, tell your mom to stop letting him order so much orange beef from Wu Liang Ye.

Yeah. I will. Oh, Mia! This is so exciting! You’re going to be the first one in our group to give up her Precious Gift! Except Lilly, of course, if she and J.P. really Did It over summer break.

And you’re
sure
you don’t hate me for it? I mean, that I’m not waiting until the night of our senior prom, like we agreed?

Oh, Mia, of course not. I understand that there are mitigating circumstances. I mean, if Boris was offered first chair in some orchestra in Australia and was seriously considering going, I would do the exact same thing. Except, of course, Boris playing first chair at the Sydney Philharmonic isn’t going to save anybody’s life, let alone prove himself worthy to a nation over which I might one day rule.

Thanks, Tina. I really mean that. Your support means a lot to me.

That’s what I’m here for!

Really, could there BE a better friend than Tina Hakim Baba? I don’t think so.

Okay, so:

LIST OF THINGS TO DO BEFORE HAVING SEX:

1. 1. Get contraceptive sponges
   
2. 2. Shave underarms/legs
   
3. 3. Shave bikini area????
   
4. 4. Find fancy lingerie (Do I OWN any fancy lingerie? Oh, there’s that lavender silk teddy and tap pants from La Perla Grandmère got me for my birthday. They still have the tags on them. I hope I don’t get a rash from wearing them without washing them first.)
   
5. 5. Deodorant
   
6. 6. Check for unsightly blackheads
   
7. 7. Ditch Lars (Easy. I will just tell him I am going to Michael’s apartment for the evening and that he can come back and pick me up at eleven. Then I will make Michael sneak out down the stairs and leave through the basement of the building. Then we can take a cab up to the Ritz. Michael might get suspicious, but I can just tell him it’s part of the surprise.)
   
8. 8. EXFOLIATE!
   
9. 9. Jolen mustache
   
10. 10. Feed Fat Louie
    

So today when I got to the caf I found that someone had placed, on each and every lunch table, little triangular table-toppers that had all these warnings written on them. Like the one on our table said:

WARNING:

 

Did you know that the single most likely to occur crisis currently facing Americans is a pandemic? With bioterrorism a real threat, and air travel as popular as it is today, deadly diseases such as avian flu and smallpox could erupt in our population at ANY time. Would YOU know what to do in the event of a bioterror attack?

 

PRINCESS MIA OF GENOVIA DOES.

Vote for a REAL LEADER.

Vote SMART.

Vote for Mia.

 

One on a nearby table said:

 

WARNING:

 

Did you know that if a dirty bomb (an explosive device containing radioactive material inside of it) went off in Times Square during school hours, even a mild wind could blow contaminated air our way in a matter of minutes, causing radiation poisoning leading to cancer and/or death? Would YOU know what to do in the event of a dirty bomb attack?

 

PRINCESS MIA OF GENOVIA DOES.

Vote for a REAL LEADER.

Vote SMART.

Vote for Mia.

 

And on the next table, one that said:

 

WARNING:

 

Did you know that in 1737 and again in 1884, New York City was rocked by estimated 5.0 earthquakes? The city is MORE than due for another one, and considering that much of lower Manhattan sits on sediment excavated from the World Trade Center when it was first built, and that most buildings here on the Upper East Side were built before earthquake-mitigating building codes were required, what are our chances of survival if a 5.0 or greater earthquake hit during school hours? Would YOU know what to do in the event of such a catastrophe?

 

PRINCESS MIA OF GENOVIA DOES.

Vote for a REAL LEADER.

Vote SMART.

Vote for Mia.

You didn’t exactly have to be a REAL LEADER to figure out where these cheery little placards had come from. The minute I saw her coming toward our table, her tray piled high with salad and skinless chicken (Lilly has been trying to eat healthier lately. She’s already lost ten pounds and looks much less like a pug than she used to. You can
almost see her cheekbones), I went, “What do you think you’re doing?” and pointed at the table-topper.

“Cool, huh?” she said. “J.P. ran them off on his dad’s copier at his office.”

“No,” I said. “Not cool. Lilly, what are you trying to do? SCARE people into voting for me?”

“Exactly,” Lilly said, sitting down. “That’s the only thing these kids understand. They’ve been raised on Fox News and sensationalist journalism. They wouldn’t know a real issue if one smacked them in the face. All they understand is fear. That’s how we’re going to win their votes.”

“Lilly,” I said. I couldn’t believe this. “I don’t WANT people to vote for me because they’re scared they won’t know what to do in the event of a dirty bomb attack if they don’t. I want them to vote for me because they agree with my values and support my stand on the issues.”

“But you have no stand on any issues,” Lilly said reasonably. “You’re going to step down if you win, anyway. So what do you care?”

“It’s just—” I shook my head. “I don’t know. It seems wrong, somehow.”

“Everyone else in politics and the media is doing it,” Lilly said. “Why shouldn’t we?”

“That doesn’t make it any less wrong.”

“Hey.” J.P. set his tray down across from Lilly’s. “Do you guys know what would happen if a Category Three or higher hurricane hit New York City? Don’t laugh, it’s happened before. In 1893 a mere Category Two hurricane destroyed Hog Island, a resort island off the Rockaways in Queens. A whole ISLAND, with hotels on it and everything,
and it disappeared overnight. Think about what a higher-category hurricane could do. Would you know what to do in the event of such a disaster?” He pulled a table-topper from his pocket. “Well, don’t worry. Princess Mia of Genovia does.”

“Very funny,” I said to him. “Lilly, seriously—”

“Mia, seriously,” Lilly said back to me. “You just worry about how you’re going to keep my brother from moving to Japan, and let me worry about your campaign for student body president.”

I blinked at her. Wait. Lilly KNOWS??? HOW COULD SHE KNOW?????

She must have noticed my astonishment, since she rolled her eyes and went, “Oh, please, POG. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten. You think I don’t know how you operate by now? I’m sure whatever it is you’re planning, it will be highly entertaining, if not completely ineffective. The boy’s got his mind made up. You might as well surrender the fantasy.”

“Mia!” Ling Su hurried up to our table, looking panicky. “Is it true? Is there really a chlorine-manufacturing plant in Kearny, New Jersey, that, if attacked by terrorists, could send a noxious cloud of chlorine gas over Manhattan that will kill or sicken us almost instantaneously?”

“What about an explosion at the Indian Point nuclear power plant?” Perin wanted to know. “Could the radiation plume really move south toward us and taint the city’s water supply, killing thousands and making the city uninhabitable for decades?”

I glared at Lilly. “Look what you’ve done!” I cried.
“You’ve freaked everybody out about stuff that could never happen!”

“What do you mean, stuff that could never happen?” Lilly demanded. “What about that blackout? For years people were saying there could never be another blackout, but there WAS one. We were just lucky they got the power turned back on so quickly, or people would have started looting and killing one another for diapers.”

“Do you really know what to do in the event of a smallpox attack?” Ling Su asked me. “Because the United States only has three hundred million doses stockpiled, and if you aren’t one of the first people in line to get one, you’ll probably die of it while you’re waiting to get vaccinated. Do you have access to some secret stockpile because you’re a princess, or something? Can’t you just get us the vaccinations now so that if a terrorist releases some smallpox into the air tomorrow, or whatever, we’ll be all right?”

“Lilly!” I was so disgusted I could hardly stand it. “You’ve got to stop! See what you’re doing? You’re making people think I have access to a secret stockpile of smallpox vaccine, and that if they vote for me, I’ll give them some! And it’s not true!”

Ling Su and Perin looked disappointed to hear I didn’t have smallpox vaccines at my beck and call. Boris, meanwhile, was laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I demanded.

“Just—” He noticed Tina giving him the evil eye, so he stopped laughing. “Nothing.”

“Look, POG,” Lilly said. “I realize we’re going for the lowest common denominator here, but take a look around.”

I looked around the caf. Everywhere I glanced, people were picking up the table-toppers and talking about them—and darting nervous glances at me.

“See?” Lilly shrugged. “It’s working. People are falling for it. They’re going to vote for you, because they think you’ve got all the answers. And, seriously, if Indian Point DID explode, what WOULD you do?”

“Make sure everyone had potassium iodide tablets to take within a few hours of exposure to help protect them from absorbing radiation. Ensure that everyone had at least a few weeks’ supply of clear water, canned food, and prescription drugs so that they could stay inside with the ventilation off until the all clear,” I replied automatically.

“And in the event of an earthquake?”

“Take cover in a doorway or under a sturdy piece of furniture. After the initial shock, turn off all water, electricity, and gas.”

“And if there’s an avian flu outbreak?”

“Well, obviously, everyone would need to start taking Tamiflu immediately, plus washing their hands and wearing disposable surgical masks, while also staying away from pay phones, handrails, and large crowds, such as at Macy’s white sales and the Six Train at rush hour.”

Lilly looked triumphant. “See? I wasn’t making it up. You DO know what to do in the event of just about any potential crisis or disaster. I know this because you, Mia, are a worrier, and are therefore perhaps the single most disaster-prepared person in Manhattan. Don’t try to deny it. We’ve all just witnessed the proof.”

I was pretty much speechless after that. While every
thing Lilly had just said was undeniably true, it still seemed wrong to me somehow. I mean, scaring the freshmen like that. Before lunch was over, three of them had come over to ask what I would do in the event of a dirty bomb attack (instruct everyone to stay inside, then, once allowed to leave the area, make them remove, bag, and dispose of their clothing before entering their homes, then wash up immediately with soap and water), or a hurricane (duh: evacuate. With your cat.).

Maybe Lilly really IS right, though. In these uncertain times, it’s possible that what people are really looking for is a leader who has already worried about and planned for these things, so they themselves don’t have to worry, and can be free to have fun.

Maybe that is why I was put on this planet—not to be Princess of Genovia, but so that I can worry about everything so nobody else has to bother.