Primal Heat (29 page)

“It's not that,” he hastened to reply. “It's not a pleasant memory.”

“Tell me.” Her fingertips brushed over the back of his hand, the first physical contact he'd had with her since the day she'd tried to commit suicide. The reminder sent contradictory feelings racing through him, icy fear for what had almost happened then, and white-hot lust for the deeper contact he craved now.

He dragged in a deep breath. “One day, I sneaked out on my aileron—a single-person vessel like our fighter wings, but without the weapons. I was soaring above Suen's highest mountain range, playing, having a bit of fun for once. I just wanted to have a moment where I wasn't the prince, the heir apparent to the throne.”

“That's understandable.” She folded her fingers around his hand. “Even when they don't mean to, our parents can put a lot of pressure on us to be what they think we should be.”

“Yes, but pressure doesn't make up for what happened. My father came after me himself, worried about the threats he'd been getting from the rebels.” He cleared his throat, forced himself to finish telling the tale. “They killed the Guardians with him first. Father…They…fired at him, disabled his aileron. He knew he was going down, so he crashed his ship into them rather than give them the chance to come for me.” Sweat slid down his face, and his voice was hoarse. “I can still hear him screaming through the comm. Feel through our connection that agonizing last moment of heat and violence from the explosion, the scent of his flesh burning. And my mother's grief, her realization of what happened.”

His stomach heaved and he stared blindly in front of him, not seeing the furnishings of his office, but the flaming ball of melting metal hitting a snowy mountainside.

Jana's hand tightened on his, her grip almost painful, pulling him back to the present. “Why were they after you?”

“Because I was meant to rule. The viziers prophesied it.” He swallowed the bile, the self-blame. “I was young enough to be…malleable. Be taught the order of things with Kith and Kin, who should be master and who should be slave. If they couldn't capture me, they'd kill us both and end the imperial line.”

“Jesus,” she breathed. Her nails dug into his palm, tears welling in her eyes.

He jerked his gaze away from her, unable to bear the sympathy. His words were a harsh rasp. “He sacrificed himself for me. My own father, gone. Because of me, because of my destiny, because I snuck out and was irresponsible.”

Her free hand cupped his face, slid into his hair, urging him to look at her. “You would do the same for your own child. What parent wouldn't?”

“They could have had more children. He and my mother could have been happy.” How could he ever honor such a sacrifice? His father's for
dying
for him, and his mother's for
living
for him when it would have been so much easier to follow her One to the grave. Every mistake he made was an insult to them, to all they had done for him. He checked that thought, stopping it. Giving himself no leeway for human mistakes wouldn't help him not make them anymore. Something else his cousin was right about. Something else he needed to learn. The realization didn't stop the guilt.

She stroked her fingers over his jaw. “We are so alike, you and I. We both have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. You expect yourself to be perfect because your father died, I expected myself to never show anyone when things weren't perfect because my brother died.”

As she had with him, he'd sensed this was a sore point for her, a raw wound, and he desperately wanted to talk about something,
anything
but his parents. “Tell me.”

“I just…tried to be this perfect person for them, so they didn't have to worry about me. But I always knew it was a lie, and it taught me to cover up everything bad. I always knew inside that I failed to be what they needed, whether they saw it or not.” Her eyes were sad, the gray of a storm-tossed sea. Her voice dropped to a whisper, “Like I failed you.”

He was on his feet, her arms in his hands, towering over her before she had time to blink. He shook her. “You did not fail me. You saved me. If anything,
I
failed
you
. Failed you as a man, as a protector, as a One.”

“We both failed then, because I didn't save you.” She shook her head, her lips set in a stubborn line. “Bren and Farid and Johar and Tylara found you and made the plan that saved you. I was dead weight.”

That kind of talk made alarm roar through him. “Jana, you can't—”

“I want to live, Kyber. Don't worry. It's not that.” But her gaze was still shadowed with old pains. “It's just…I'm in touch with reality, okay? Let's not make me into something I'm not.”

“And what are you?”

“I'm just me.” That bare shoulder twitched in a shrug. “No one special.”

“No one special?” He shook his head, incredulity sliding through him. “Jana, have you heard nothing I've said? You were
destined
to be an empress. You were always special.”

She sniffed. “That's got nothing to do with me. That's just who
you
are. I didn't do anything to make that happen.”

“Neither did I. I was born to be the emperor, Jana. I did nothing to earn it. It was my destiny. My father
died
because it was my destiny.” He moved his hand to her face, brushing the pad of his thumb over her cheek. “And you were destined to be my empress. You were always going to be special to me.”

But not special enough to keep.

Jana kept the thought to herself, unable to put voice to the pain that had grown within her for days. She could finally admit that things weren't okay with her, and it was an amazing relief. Kyber hadn't turned away from her. He was fine with her being…who she was. She'd liked being useful again, having duties that were her own and not just hand-me-downs from him. It gave her a sense of purpose. She liked that. She'd missed it.

She'd also been frustrated as hell.

Kyber stroked his fingers over her face, and her body heated. He hadn't had sex with her since she'd tried to kill herself. At first, she'd worried that it meant he didn't want her anymore, that her actions had sickened him and turned him away from her forever. However, he'd left the connection open enough that she could tell how desperate he was to touch her. He just…stopped himself, held back, caged the need. It was because of the guilt, because he worried about losing control of the beast, because he worried about hurting her.

He ate with her, talked with her, spent time with her, but he didn't sleep with her. He hadn't once brought up the subject of her remaining with him. Now that he'd pointed it out, she
felt
the impenetrable barricades that kept their connection from breaking wide open. The link between them was no longer pinched, and he wasn't closing her out, but it also wasn't what it had been when they first bonded. They had, essentially, called a ceasefire and retreated to their own sides.

On the one hand, it was good to have some quiet peace. It had been a long time since she'd had anything even close to tranquility in her life. She was the only one in her head, and it gave her time to think, to reflect, to begin to heal. The memories of Arthur were where they belonged—in the past, something that had happened months ago. She had some emotional distance now, they weren't a constant parade through her mind. She'd broken down some of those others walls that Kyber had mentioned, shoring up others that would give her a buffer from the worst of what she'd been through. Not denying it had happened, but not centering her every waking moment around it either.

The time had also given her a chance to work out exactly where she wanted to go from here, exactly
what
she wanted for herself. Kyber. Forever. Even with the walls blocking their bond, it was better to be together than to be apart. They'd never get that first, perfect connection back, but they could have something just as good if they tried. They'd grown apart, but they could grow back together, she was sure of it. Given enough time. If she stayed here, they'd never have the chance to see how good it could be again.

And she was about to crawl out of her skin needing him. Now seemed as good a time as any to start finding common ground. Even in their worst moments, they'd had chemistry that could put a nuclear bomb to shame.

His eyes sparked down at her, his thumb sweeping over her lower lip. She could feel the heat of his desire, see it in his violet gaze, and he vibrated with the tension of keeping it in check. The hint of a fang showed when he swallowed. “Jana, I…”

She leaned into him, turning her head to bite the base of his thumb. “Kyber, I want you.”

He groaned. “Jana…”

Sobering, she met his gaze steadily. “I need to know, Kyber. I want…I want your hands on me when I don't
have
to remember his hands on me. Please.”

He closed his eyes. A wave of his emotions broke through to her: shame, self-reproach, and longing. She knew she'd won when he looked at her again. “You don't ever have to beg me for anything. I'll give you whatever you want, whenever you want it. I would do anything for you.”

Her fingers slid down his arm, her nails scraping his flesh. Her voice was fierce, demanding. “Then give me what I want. You. Your hands on my skin. Let me remember what it was like before Arthur, when the only people in our bed were the two of
us
.”

“We're not in a bed.” His mouth snapped closed and he winced at the asinine statement, while she grinned at him. It felt nice to have the upper hand for once. She knew what she wanted and she pushed that toward him through their connection. He shuddered. “You don't have to do anything you don't want to. We can stop any time you say.”

“I want you to lay me over your desk and fuck me hard. No holding back.”

His breath caught, then eased out on a low groan. “You should be treated gently.”

“Sometimes. But sometimes I like it a little rough, sometimes I want the beast in my bed as much as I want the man.” She flicked her tongue against his palm, watching the amethyst fireworks burst faster in his irises. “You know I enjoyed everything we did after you returned. There was enough of a connection left for you to be certain, even if my screams of ‘yes, yes, Kyber; please, Kyber, just like that' weren't enough of an indicator.”

A flush highlighted his sharp cheekbones, and she felt his thick cock press against her lower belly. Lust pulsed through their link, heating her from the inside out. Her pussy dampened, her nipples hardening to tight peaks. She licked her lips and his gaze followed the movement. She did it again, slowly and with relish. He shuddered, the flush darkening his bronze skin.

She pulled back until her buttocks hit the edge of his desk. The metal felt cool through her
rishaami
gown. Lifting her hand, she unfastened the clasp at her shoulder. He swallowed, his fingers twitching as though he would do it himself. She knew he wanted to. The gown slithered to the floor and she kicked it aside. It left her in nothing but a pair of soft, knee-high boots. He groaned when her naked form came into view, and power pumped through her. She loved that he always reacted to her. Even when he hadn't wanted to.

Slanting him a wicked grin, she scooted up onto the desk and crossed her legs. “Help me with my boots, would you?”

His lids dropped to half-mast, the sparks rolling to a full boil in his eyes. “You're a sadist, my empress.”

“You find looking at me painful, Kyber?” She brushed her palms over the tops of her thighs, then dipped her fingers between her legs. The first touch on her clit made her moan, but she'd rather it was his hands on her slick, overheating flesh. She held his gaze. “You don't have to watch if you don't want to.”

His chuckle was a rusty sound. “Do you honestly think I could walk away?”

“Sure.” She lifted her shoulders in a brief shrug, and his gaze zeroed in on the way her movements made her breasts sway. Uncrossing her legs, she let him see how soaked her pussy had become for him, and she thrust her fingers deep into her passage. “I think you can do anything you want to do.”

“Not anything.” He plucked her hand up and brought it to his mouth, sucking the juices from each finger one by one. His hot, wet tongue moving over her skin made tingles break down her limbs. “I can't stop wanting you. I'll want you forever.”

“Then keep me forever. Don't leave me on Earth.” The words spilled from her before she could stop them, and the very air around them froze as they both stilled.

His pupils contracted to pinpoints, his throat working. She felt his shock roll through their bond. She swallowed, the bottom dropping out of her stomach. Opening her mouth, she scrambled to find the words to take back what she'd said. He groaned, speared the fingers of his free hand into her hair, and used his grip on her hand to haul her closer. His lips met hers, his tongue sliding in to stroke hers.
Yes. Stay with me. We can find a way to work everything out between us. Together. Never, ever be parted from me again.

Together. Yes. That was exactly what she wanted, too. Somehow, they could make this work. It would take time to find each other again, to trust each other with a full connection, to break down the walls they'd built, to forgive themselves and to love each other, but the possibility was there. They had to try.

She whimpered into his mouth, wrapped her arms and legs around him, and clung tight. He ran his hands down her bare back and kissed her softly. Long, slow, drugging kisses that made her writhe with need. Her nipples rubbed against his tunic, aching points that emphasized her desire. Her empty sex flexed, wanting to be filled by him.

Gooseflesh rippled in the wake of his fingers as they moved over her skin. Her nipples throbbed, and a familiar rush of sweet lust raced through her. More moisture flooded her core as she pressed herself into him subtly. His broad palm slipped lower to cup her backside, his hand hot against her cooler flesh. She shivered, biting down on his lip to stop a low sob of longing. God, she wanted him. Now. Always.