President Me (32 page)

And while I'm talking about arts education, enough with the idea that this turns on kids' imaginations. All you have at age seven is imagination. We don't need them to have any more. When a kid is going to be creative they're going to be creative. Musicians cannot be stopped. There isn't one famous drummer whose parents wouldn't say they started banging on pots and pans when they were toddlers. It's in there or it's not. You can't just give a kid an easel and think it's going to turn on the artistic part of his brain. So let's remove the focus on creating more oboe players and turn our attention to creating some more builders. This is all part of my campaign “Fuck the Music, Save Shop Class.” What does America need more of—guys who can build houses or chicks who can design dresses?

THE TEACHERS OF TODAY

I also had a run-in with Natalia's teacher at one of my mandatory/completely unnecessary parent-teacher conferences. This one was particularly infuriating.

First, I walked into my daughter's classroom and was wandering around looking at her shitty finger painting when some little boy poked me on the hip with his index finger and said, “You're not supposed to be here.” Can you imagine doing that in first grade? This is a more-than-six-foot, over-forty male in your classroom, and you're attempting to settle his hash? You should be respecting him, not playing bouncer. I'm ordering my Education Department to commission a study on these types of kids, because I'm sure there are at least three in every class. I want to tag and track them through their life and find out if they're truly douchebags in the making. I have a suspicion all the adult assholes we deal with every day were this kid at one point.

But back to Natalia's teacher. I noticed several things about her that day. First and foremost was her attire. She had a nose stud and go-go boots. I'm not trying to sound like Grandpa Carolla and this is no comment on her as a teacher but she just didn't feel like a teacher. When I was growing up I had Mrs. Parker, who looked like someone from a Marx Brothers movie. She dressed like the dowager who would see some of Groucho's shenanigans and say, “Well, I never.” I know it's the culture now and there are probably very few teachers without some odd piercing or tattoo. But where do you draw the line? At some point the nose ring is going to give way to the guy who has the ball bearings put under his forehead to look like a Klingon and he's going to sue when the school board asks him to remove them.

The other thing I noticed was that on her desk she had a huge Starbucks Frappuccino with the whipped-cream dome. Again, this seemed unprofessional. If I were six and forced to stare at a pile of whipped cream, there's no way I could focus on my ABCs and 123s. Then I noticed her first name written on the cup. I subtly rotated the cup away from the kids because if they found out her name is Stephanie, it would be all over. She'd lose their respect. They wouldn't fear her anymore. For me, it was Mr. Spathe or Mr. Gregory. Not Nick or Ed. I didn't know any first names because they were supposed to be authority figures.

This position of authority has gone away because every teacher wants to be the cool teacher, not the hard-ass who actually forces kids to learn. That's how it was when I was a kid. Plus, my nondisciplinarian “cool” teachers were into the Doobie Brothers, not Katy Perry.

That's something you don't really realize until you're an adult. Looking back at the people I feared or looked up to when I was a kid, it occurs to me that they were all idiots. No one ever tells you that. When you are an adult dealing with other adults, you see just how stupid they can be. But when you're a kid you think your teacher is a good teacher just because they're taller than you.

To me, teachers are like cops, some are good and went into that profession for noble reasons, but most went into it because they didn't know what else to do with their life. Some were teenage girls who enjoyed being babysitters and thought they'd make a living out of it. It's always a little bit of a roll of the dice, just like anything. There are good lawyers and shitty ones, good dentists and shitty ones, good authors and shitty ones.

One day Lynette wanted to have a talk about Natalia with her teacher at the time (a.k.a. Miss Nose Stud). The teacher said that Natalia was “just not responding to her.” I wasn't even sure what that meant. And Natalia was in first grade. I only remember my first-grade teacher, Mrs. Doris, because we ran into her once at a grocery store and she took my mother aside to tell her I was behind in my reading. I have no idea if I “responded” to her. I said this to Lynette and asked, “And what's the option? Can you get a new teacher? If not, then what are we talking about? Natalia has a tutor and a mother who gives a shit and reads with her every night. She's going to be fine. Sure, her teacher is not Jaime Escalante, but I know the kid is sharp and intuitive and she'll be fine. She's way ahead of the game. What are we doing here other than wringing our hands about it? In fact she should have a couple shitty teachers to give her experience for all the shitty bosses she'll have.” Lynette felt about this the same way she did when she wanted to get Sonny a tutor because he was behind in his reading. I said, “He's in first grade, how can he be behind? Is he reading at zygote level?” Apparently the class average on a reading test was eighty-six, but even though Sonny got an eighty-eight it wasn't high enough above average. I thought the boy was beating the curve and that was a good thing. Lynette thought I was an asshole.

The point is, whether you have a good teacher that you respond to or a bad teacher, it just doesn't matter. The parents are what matter. If you've got parents like Dr. Drew and his wife, you're going to be fine. There was no chance his kids weren't going to college. If you've got parents like some of the people Drew treats in rehab, then start getting ready for a career in the fast-food industry.

I like good teachers, but I don't think there are enough of them. Let's face facts. It's a low-paying gig, so you're not always getting the cream of the crop.

More importantly, the teacher is chasing the problem. We have to get in front of it. First thing you do is focus on the problem of broken families, then everything else falls into place. The other problems are satellites orbiting planet Broken Family—the school lunches, bullying, even obesity are all moons around planet Broken Family. I'm happy there are good coaches and teachers who take kids under their wing, but they are temporarily filling a void created by broken families. It's like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it.

So what should we do with all the bad teachers? Shit-can their asses. I'm tired of the teachers' union protecting them and constantly fighting progress. When Michelle Rhee tried to crack the whip in D.C., what was the first thing she did? She started closing schools and firing shitty teachers. And what happened? They ran her out of town on a rail. Their attitude was “How dare you come into our system and try to correct it? Hit the bricks, bitch. We had a good thing going. No one expected anything out of these kids, so we didn't have to work. We had pensions and vacations, now you want us to perform? Fuck that.” The teachers' union represents the exact opposite of what teachers are supposed to be trying to instill. School is supposed to be a meritocracy where hard work, intelligence, and effort are rewarded. But good teachers and bad teachers get paid the same wage and benefits whereas good students and bad students don't get the same grades. The teachers' union is the height of hypocrisy; it is like a fat, chain-smoking aerobics instructor.

That's why I'm totally for charter schools. Every time you see one of these open up, you've got parents throwing their kids over the fence to get them in there. I love the idea of creating some competition. Get someone in there to run that school like a business. Look at some data and fire some asses.

But of course the teachers' unions go apeshit when this happens and try to shut charter schools down. Because they don't want the competition. They know they can't keep up. The job they're doing with these kids is literally killing them. They're dropping out and joining gangs. But if people come in with a little entrepreneurial instinct, they get protested, zoned, taxed, and otherwise nickeled-and-dimed out of existence. Because the teachers' unions would rather protect their own than protect the kids.

THE “SCHOOL-TO-PRISON PIPELINE”

A nice phrase that has popped up for this disaster we call an educational system is the supposed “school-to-prison pipeline.” It's a fine phrase, but the people tossing it around aren't willing to look at all the reasons I listed above and fix this trend. All they know is that there is a school-to-prison pipeline and it has something to do with me being a racist. I got accused in an interview with the
Huffington Post
of “oversimplifying” the problem with broken families in the black community and its effect on education. How is me looking at root causes and trying to address the big problem oversimplifying? Thank you, sage from the fucking mountain, please let me hold your tablets while you point your finger at me. I think the oversimplification is shutting me down and saying I commit hate speech because I'm willing to call a spade a spade. (Okay, that was probably a poor word choice in this context.)

This is the narcissism of the left when it comes to the issue of education. You want to feel better by “defending” the poor people, but you won't actually spend your time doing something to help. I don't see you down at the crumbling schools in South Central volunteering your time. Please continue to preach to me about my racism while you drive your kids to a Santa Monica private school, you fucking hypocrite.

Well, guess what, I don't give a shit what you think of me, because I actually want to solve this problem instead of inflating my liberal cred. Here are some fucking facts.

Of those who entered ninth grade in 2006, 52 percent of black males graduated high school, 58 percent of Latino males, and 78 percent of white males. Jewish males had a 97 percent rate. Why? Intact families.

But not according to the CEO of the Schott Foundation for Public Education, who conducted the study. To him it was “evidence of willful neglect by federal, state, and local elected policy makers and leaders.” Yes, it's all part the plan of getting young black males to drop out so we can get shot by one next time we get lost in the wrong neighborhood.

During the Chicago teachers' strike I saw a black reporter saying that the members of the teachers' union were “not going to be the scapegoats for public school education. Not when there are so many other factors that play into the performance of children, particularly in urban education. Poverty, crime, hunger, lack of social workers, etc.”

Sure, let's not focus on the etc., that's the only part that matters. Let's conveniently skip over that. Hunger is not keeping black kids down. And it's not the lack of social workers because when you're doing well and you have functioning families you don't need social workers. Counselors, therapists, and social workers are like firemen, they are only necessary after shit has gone wrong. And crime doesn't stop you from learning unless someone kicks down your door and attempts to rob your algebra book.

Please, let's get at the truth. If you were a reporter and were reporting on malaria, you wouldn't ignore the mosquitoes. So why are you yada yada yada'ing the most important element—
the family
? How about the idea that what makes a good student is an environment that is light on the chaos and heavy on the discipline?

This is the black community not wanting to take a hard look in the mirror. And white people won't say anything because they're too scared of being called a racist. When I had California lieutenant governor Gavin Newsom on the podcast and brought up this issue, he tap-danced around it harder than Danny fucking Kaye. He was so afraid of losing his black and Latino constituency he even had the balls to say these folk “cared deeply” about education. I think the stats prove otherwise. And statistics aren't racist.

Recently the L.A. school board talked about reducing homework and the impact on grades because certain groups weren't able to keep up with the demands being made on parents. There were cries that the current level of homework was racist. Uh, what? Fuck that. Make the time. If you have a table you can make your kid do homework. That's all you need, a fucking table for them to sit at. It's not racist to expect you to sit your kid down and make them do their goddamn homework. I'm sorry you're poor and you're working, but unless you want your kid to have the same fate, dig down and take a page from the Asians' book, demand excellence from your kid. If that notion makes me a racist, if not lowering the bar further makes me a racist, then well, I guess I'm a fucking racist. And by “racist,” I mean truth teller.

That said, I'm actually behind the decrease-the-homework plan and will enact it through my Department of Education. I've always felt eight hours of school is enough to teach the kid something. When they get home, that's time to do a different kind of learning. They should watch Mommy cook and watch Daddy use a wrench on the car. I'm not saying kids should go home and eat a bunch of cotton candy and see how much of their fists they can put up their ass. But what it all boils down to is keeping families intact. All the Head Start, No Child Left Behind, early-intervention bullshit doesn't amount to a hill of GEDs. The most important thing you can teach your kid is what you show them, what they observe from you on a daily basis. If they see you obeying the law, holding down a job, keeping your home and yard well maintained, or respecting the person in front of you in line at the grocery store, that's what they will pick up. And more importantly, they need to see you internalizing and not blaming The Man. That's what we need more of in this society—discipline, respect, empathy, and grit.

Damn. That was some pretty good writing from a guy who had a 1.75 GPA.