President Me (21 page)

This, by the way, would explain the Jerry Lewis phenomenon. Nobody thinks Jerry Lewis is funny. Not even those kids with the polio crutches are handicapped enough to think he's funny. But your country, which does nothing but turn its nose up at our culture, embraces what I would consider the most American of all comedians. I know it probably came up at a “how are we going to piss off the United States?” meeting. “What comedian shall we idolize?” “I think Mitch Hedberg's pretty funny.” “Patrice, get the fuck out of the room. Do you think that would piss them off? Now, Jerry Lewis, that's a comedian that would annoy them.” “But he's not funny.” “Exactly.”

Italy. You're cool. You're sort of like Mexico if it studied for the SATs. It's as if someone woke Mexico up, sobered them up, and said, “You gotta go study. We're gonna get you into a state school.”

But don't get full of yourself. You've still got a long way to go. I'm a
paisan
, so I can say this. Italians are essentially dumb Jews. You're personable, you love to eat and talk, you've got the importance of family, the nappy hair, and the bigger-than-average schnoz. You just don't have the brainpower Jews have. You have a lot of the same qualities minus twenty-five IQ points. You Italians have an artistic flair, designing automobiles and such. I've always said if you want a sports car, go to an Italian, but find a Jew to help you with the financing.

Now, let's look next door to Greece. Get over yourself. You got out of the gate really well but you haven't done much in a millennium or two. You guys invented civilization and the alphabet, but since then you really seem to have dropped the ball. Your economy almost brought down the rest of Europe, there are constant riots and protests, and no one seems to want to work. What happened? You peaked with Socrates and then were like “just give me a teenage boy and a sauna, I'm going to take the next couple thousand years off and focus on yogurt.”

(GREEK DELEGATION IS WOKEN UP BY GREENLAND DELEGATION NEXT TO THEM)

That's all you guys have seemed to have done lately. Greek yogurt is flying off the shelves here in the States. If you were getting your cut, your economy would be fine. How come your country is falling apart? Did you guys not look at the contract? I think you're getting screwed on your yogurt royalties.

Now, Ireland—please take Bono back. I'm sick of seeing him on American TV preaching about Africa and how it's entirely our fault. Why not ask the starving Africans what THEY'RE doing about their plight. Leave us out of it. I'm so tired of you and Sting blowing hard about American imperialism. How would you like it if we sent Bob Seger to your country to talk about what a bunch of assholes you are?

Before I move on from Europe let me just address the Dutch. I like you guys. You're not troublemakers. But is it the Netherlands or Holland? Nail it down, please.

And either way, why are you called Dutch? Shouldn't it be Netherlanders or the Hollandaise? I suggest you lose the Dutch moniker. There are a lot of Dutch slurs that you need to be aware of. “Going dutch” means splitting a check, which makes you guys sound like the cheapest fucks on the planet. Being “in Dutch” is being in trouble. “Dutch doors” are only half doors. A “Dutch uncle” pretty much means a critical asshole. And when I was doing construction, if you fucked up a mortise and had to sand it down and pretend it didn't happen, that was called “a Dutchman.” Worst of all is that back in the day when sailors would fuck a knothole in a piece of a wooden plank, it was called a “Dutch wife.” And to all of you who hurl these racially charged slurs against the Dutch, don't think just because you love the Dutch oven it makes it all right. That's like dropping an N-bomb but following it with “It's okay, I have black friends.”

I'm just saying, stand up for yourself. Maybe you've just got a little too much Amsterdam in you and wanna lie back and be cool but the rest of the world is laughing at you. You're quietly taking more shit than the Polacks.

(ANGRY POLISH DELEGATION ATTEMPTS TO LEAVE ASSEMBLY HALL THROUGH CLOSET DOOR)

Okay. On to my hemisphere. I'll start in South America with Chile.

All I know about you is food-based. Every piece of fruit in my house has stickers from your country and I love your sea bass. Keep up the good work. But I can't commit to the Cheel-ay pronunciation. But Chili sounds like we're at a cook-off. Like Pakistan and Pahk-ee-stahn. I guess how you pronounce it depends if you're on Fox News or not.

Brazil. You guys have a very confusing culture. You have a giant statue of Jesus that is towering over slums he's doing nothing about, and constant parades with chicks shaking their asses and titties. Which is it? Are you superreligious or debaucherous?

Carnival seems unnecessary. I'd understand if you were a really buttoned-up culture and needed to cut loose once a year, but you see ass cheeks all the time. Chicks wear thongs to a christening down there.

And let me take this moment to compliment you on your ass color. There is no better color for a tush than that Brazilian caramel color. It's just the perfect color for what it's on, like Aston Martin racing green. If you took that Brazilian ass and gave it Tilda Swinton's skin tone we'd all be vomiting. But with Shakira's color—
muy bueno
.

And your nation's name is synonymous with pube maintenance. You take pride in how you look below the belt. Kudos.

But back to the Jesus statue. Can you climb up into that thing? It feels sacrilegious to be a human finger in the Messiah's prostate exam. It just seems weird. The Jews would never make a giant Moses. Palestinians would fire rockets at the crotch anyway and I think the Jews were probably done hauling stones after the pyramids. But as a gesture of goodwill between our nations, I commit now as a gift from America that we will help you complete that Jesus statue by building you the world's largest El Camino dashboard.

Now for Cuba. How is it that you're still just sitting off the shore of Florida mocking us? Fair warning—plans have been drawn up for the invasion. They didn't take long. One Zodiac boat filled with Cub Scouts is all it is gonna take. Then we're going to use the country as a penal colony for all our worst sex offenders. It will get them off our shores and it's where I'll produce my new hit reality show—
Pedoph-Isle
.

You always had Russia protecting you, like that skinny shit-talking kid at school who had the older brother on the football team. But he dropped out and now we're going to kick your scrawny ass.

Cuba is a great experiment in communism and how it doesn't work. We take an island, put it in the middle of the ocean, and say, “Pick a form of government. Any one you like, just pick one and stick with it for at least fifty years.” The cars are all from the fifties, the place is falling apart, and every time the Cuban baseball team goes to play a tournament half the infield doesn't come back. Isn't this all we need to know about communism? Your island is like a petri dish. The lab results are in and they're irrefutable. You people are climbing into coffee cans and trying to paddle to Florida. When Florida is a superior option you know you're in rough shape. It's crazy, strapping truck tires and milk jugs to pallets and throwing yourself into the Atlantic. It looks like a Red Bull event.

I'll wrap this up with this last directive. Africa. I'm sick of seeing your starving kids on our late-night commercials. It's bumming the shit out of me. And I'm sick of us sending mosquito nets and sacks of grain so you can keep crapping out more kids you can't feed. I have some words of advice that will solve this problem. Specifically four words: cum on the tits.

Thank you.

(SPARSE APPLAUSE FROM BRITISH, AUSTRALIAN, CANADIAN, AND SCANDANAVIAN DELEGATIONS AS ALL OTHER NATIONS HAVE LEFT HALL IN OUTRAGE)

THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE
ACT AND OTHER IMPORTANT
NEW WEDDING LEGISLATION

When
DOMA was overturned in 2013, I was happy. My feeling has always been that gay marriage should be legalized. I was once asked in an interview the top five reasons gays and lesbians should be allowed to marry, and I said the number one reason was they're American citizens who pay their taxes and have the same rights as anyone else. Reasons number two through five were, SO THEY'D SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT! It feels like we've been arguing about this forever. It's not even about the volume of gay people in the population, but the volume at which they protest. They are that loud and that proud. Asians make up 5 percent of the population but feel like less than one percent. Blacks make up 13 percent but feel like 46 percent. Gays are supposedly 3.5 percent but feel like 96 percent. We get it. Yes, you're here, you're queer. We're used to it. So please shut the fuck up. Unfortunately, I'm sure we'll still be arguing about it years from now. The Supreme Court may have overturned Prop 8 but eventually some gay activist is going to sue because he's not allowed to get married at the Crystal Cathedral. (For those who don't know, the Crystal Cathedral is a gigantic glass church in Anaheim, not an adult performer. Which is a shame. Crystal Cathedral would make a great porn name.)

Again, I have gay friends and I want them to be able to get married. I'm just sick of hearing about it. I think we should move on to many of the other topics facing our nation that are much more important than whether two guys get to settle down, grow old together, and raise adopted Chinese kids or lapdogs.

Maybe I'm at my saturation point on this issue because I live in L.A. I really noticed this one day when my daughter floated the idea that I marry her idol, Katy Perry. I pictured the C-cup on Katy and thought, “This is the first time we've been on the same page, kid. You're onto something.” But then I asked her, “What about Mommy?” Natalia replied that she could stick around, and Lynette
and
Katy Perry could be her mommies. I told her that wouldn't work and that she couldn't have two mommies. She instantly replied, “But Bradley has two mommies.” I realized that half the kids at her L.A. charter school had two daddies or two mommies.

Before I move on from gay marriage, let me weigh in on gay slang. I know that we can no longer use the phrase “fag hag.” Which is disappointing to me. It was one of my favorites, right behind “sand nigger.” But I thought there was still a need for a word to describe the chick who only hangs around with gay guys. The Grace to their Wills, if you will. So I asked my listeners, and they came up with an excellent alternative—“fruit fly.” Pretty good, right? They just buzz around the fruit, not really harming anyone but usually annoying the shit out of you.

And while I'm in an area that's going to get GLAAD's dolphin shorts in a bunch, let me also lay out my position on the code words for gay sex positions. I think “pitcher” and “catcher” are played out and “top” and “bottom” are boring. They're not creative at all. During my administration, we will use only “tumbler” and “coaster.”

All that said, I do want the government to get more involved in the marriage regulation department. Not so much regarding
who
can get married but
how
they can get married. Here are some of President Carolla's new wedding laws:

NO ELABORATE PROPOSALS:
Some guys are fucking this up for the rest of us. No more skywriting proposals, no surprise question pops on the
Today
show. Just take ten minutes and do it right. Get down on one knee and string together a couple choice words that the wife can remember and tell her chick friends. Nothing too long. It should be able to fit on a license-plate frame. We need to get this sorted out for you and your buddies. If you screw it up it will haunt you forever and you will be an object of ridicule by your wife at all family gatherings for the rest of your days. But if you overdo it, then when your wife tells my wife, she gets pissed at me. When she's hanging out with the one-uppers who talk about proposals on private islands, she'll have to angrily say, “Adam threw a ring at me, said ‘there!,' and started watching
SportsCenter
.” And then I get the cold shoulder and blue balls for a week. Knock it off. One knee, ten words, move on.

THE RING:
De Beers has that stupid “two months' salary for an engagement ring” rule. That's fine, but I have some limits to add. If you're a renter, I cap it at $900. If you're living in an apartment, you have no business spending any more than a grand. As long as you have a cleaning deposit, $900 is the max ($1,500 if you're in a condo). I think that's fair. The price on the ring should have a ceiling if your actual ceiling is another guy's floor.

THE DRESS:
We've got to put an end to the “$5,000 price tag for a dress you wear one time” bullshit, ladies. From now on the most a bride can spend on her dress is $1,000. For every hundred dollars spent over that grand, she must,
by law
, be able to fit into that dress for one year. Pretty simple math, right? You can go three grand on the dress, but for twenty years after, you have to fit into it. This would be the only time when a woman didn't starve herself before the wedding. In fact, she'd be bulking up like De Niro before
Raging Bull
.

THE OBJECTIONS:
In every wedding ceremony there is the point where the priest asks, “If anyone can think of a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.” At this point it's too late. If I know my buddy is marrying Aileen Wuornos's evil older sister, I'm probably going to sit on that info at the ceremony. I wouldn't want to embarrass him in front of the whole family. So henceforward that question has to be asked at the bachelor party. I think after a few shots poured out of a stripper's cleavage, you're going to get the real answer on what your friends and family think of your bride-to-be. Though it will be awkward to have the priest there.