Present Perfect (33 page)

Mom had already passed through the kitchen once and saw me at the window. Fifteen minutes later when she came back through and I was in the same spot her curiosity got the best of her. Standing beside me, she followed my gaze out the window.

“Do you mind me asking what is so interesting in our backyard?”

“Nothing, I guess I just spaced out. I have a lot on my mind with getting ready for school.” I lied.

What had me glued to that spot was Noah and Brooke hanging out at his pool. I had seen them out there before. What I hadn’t seen before, in fact all summer, was a smile on Noah’s face. The smile that I loved and missed had resurfaced. He was happy and with Brooke. The ache that started in my stomach invaded the rest of my body. My heart broke because I knew I was the one who took that smile from him and Brooke was the one who gave it back.

Mom draped her arm around my shoulders and pressed her cheek to the side of my head, squeezing me slightly. “He’s still seeing Brooke? Is that why he hasn’t been around at all this summer?” I nodded.

“There wasn’t enough room for Brooke and I both in his life.” I felt my tears building up. “
She
makes him happy. Look at his smile.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. You could hear the shakiness in my voice.

Mom hugged me one more time and said, “Looks can be deceiving. You can’t always tell what’s going on inside a person from outside. People put on a brave face when they’re trying to get over heartbreak, but that doesn’t mean they have. You and Noah have a rare bond and always will. There’s no one out there who can break that.”

“Thanks Mom.”

I pried my eyes from the window, hugged my mom, and went to my room. I grabbed my phone and did what I had been doing all summer, especially when I saw Noah. I texted my dealer.

Me: U home alone & want some company?

His response was immediate.

Brad: It depends. What are you wearing? Forget it, doesn’t matter. I’m just going to rip it off you. Come now! ;)

I felt my stomach churn as I read his words. He really was a Smurffucker. But none of that mattered to me at the time. I knew in twenty minutes my thoughts would be focused somewhere else and I would have my escape.

I’ve got nothing for my journal entry today. Holy shit! I’m attending an acclaimed university and majoring in journalism. How the hell can I NOT have anything to write about? I always have something to say, an opinion, a stupid idea, but not today.

What if this continues when I get to school? I’ll be a laughing stock. Other students will point, stare, and laugh uncontrollably at me. I mean, a journalist without words is…SHIT! I don’t even have the right words to answer that question. I’m going to have to move back home. I’ll be whispered about behind my back. The only job I’ll be able to get will be measuring old ladies for the correct bra size. Nobody wants that job. This is karma and she’s bitch slapping me all the way into next week.

It took me about a month and a half to adjust, but college life suited me. The hardest part so far had been getting used to being away from home. I had no idea how good I had it at home. At school, I actually had to do laundry and was put on a schedule to clean the bathroom. It took moving away from my mom to really appreciate her.

My roommate, Lisa, was a no nonsense country girl from Missouri. She was beautiful with wavy copper colored hair that hit right at her shoulders, huge bright green eyes, and curves exactly where they should be. She was smart, funny, and a great roommate. It was nice to have a friend, again, and I did consider her my friend, even though we had only known each other for a short time.

My course schedule was fairly ambitious for a freshman. I was taking five classes, one of which was for my major. The campus was huge and spread out, but I was finding my way around pretty good now. All of this added up to some very long days. There were times when I was so tired at the end of the day I would just eat a couple of big spoonfuls of frosting I had stashed in the mini-fridge or I didn’t eat at all. The upside to my new,
too busy to eat diet
, was that I avoided the freshmen fifteen, so far I hadn’t gained an ounce. I had actually lost a little weight.

I hadn’t been home for a visit yet because I knew going back too soon would cause me to backslide and so far I was doing okay with getting over Noah. I was too busy most of the time during the week to focus that much on him. I had been filling the weekends up with frat parties and meeting people. Nighttime was the hardest. I studied in my room most of the time. It was easy for me to let my mind drift to thoughts of him during those times.

Five months had passed since I had any contact with Noah. When I thought of him, I still felt the same pain and loneliness. It was even stronger than on that day when I destroyed our friendship. If I allowed my thoughts to linger too long the tears would start and I’d spend most of the night in the bathroom hiding, so Lisa wouldn’t see me and start asking a bunch of questions.

One night while studying for a psychology test, Lisa noticed that I hadn’t turned a page in the past twenty minutes. Hopping off her bed, she grabbed two red cups and a bottle of wine she had smuggled in.

“Alright, space cadet, it’s wine time,” Lisa said plopping down in the chair across from me.

I looked up, surprised to see her sitting there. I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn’t notice her until she shoved a red cup of wine at me.

Sitting back in the chair, her feet propped up on the desk, she asked, “Are you going to tell me who you were spacing out about?”

“I was concentrating,” I said just before I took a sip of wine.

“Yeah, you were concentrating. What’s his name?”

“Who’s name?”

She shook her head. “The guy you cry about at night in the bathroom.”

Her words caught me off guard. “I didn’t know you heard me. I went in there so I wouldn’t bother you. Sorry.”

“So spill.”

“Nobody, really.” I was ashamed of myself for saying those words. Noah won’t ever be a nobody to me, even if I never see him again. “I mean, he was someone very special, but isn’t in my life anymore.”

“I got to call bullshit on that one. We’ve been here over a month and I’ve heard you crying at least once a week and…um… what’s with the sleeping around?”

I choked on my wine when I heard the words come out of her mouth. “Excuse me?”

“I just didn’t peg you as being a sausage biscuit.”

“A what?”

“A sausage biscuit. You seem to open your biscuit for every sausage you meet.”

“No, I don’t!” I wasn’t really offended by her. I was more shocked that I gave out that impression. I wondered if other people thought that.

“You and I have gone to four parties since we’ve been here and you’ve already hooked up with three different guys that I know of. You’re either trying to forget someone, get even with someone, or you’re just a good old fashion sausage biscuit. I add the crying into the mix and I figure you’re trying to forget someone.”

I took a long sip of wine and tried to decide whether I wanted to share all that was Noah with her. I’ve always had a hard time opening up to people. Noah was the only person I did that with. Maybe if I talked to Lisa, get it out in the open, the pain would hurt less.

“His name was Noah, we grew up together as best friends, and now we’re not.” I took a gulp of wine. It felt good to open up.

She sat up and pointed her finger in my direction. “You listen to me, beotch. I did
not
open this five dollar bottle of wine for the abridged version of your high school heartache. Details. Now.”

We stayed up late that night, drinking wine and talking. I told her most of the details of my life with Noah. It was a relief to talk about it. Lisa was great. She listened, but never judged.

I had slept with two guys and made out with one since moving here. I met all of them at frat parties that were thrown every weekend. I had moved in the weekend before classes started. Lisa was a sophomore, so she already knew a good many students here. She invited me to a party one of her friends was throwing. I went only because I thought it would be good bonding time for us. Besides, I needed a Brad replacement. I still craved that momentary relief that came with being with a guy.

I didn’t have to necessarily get drunk when I was with Brad, although it did help. These college parties were pretty overwhelming and I didn’t know anyone besides Lisa. A few drinks helped loosen me up, so it had become a weekly activity. It didn’t interfere with my grades, so no harm was done. I had no problem approaching guys after a drink or two. I didn’t just pick random guys. I would study the crowd for a little bit. I had to be attracted to them somewhat and feel reasonably safe.

I met Matt at the first party I went to. He was cute. Black hair, dark brown eyes, tall, fairly good body. He didn’t have muscles and wasn’t toned like Noah or Brad, but that didn’t really matter. He was kind of funny, at least he thought he was. The first weekend I was here we met, got drunk, and hooked up. There was no awkwardness in the morning because I was out of his room before he woke up. Matt was a junior theater major, so we rarely, if ever, crossed paths during the week.

The next weekend I met Jacob. Again, he was cute and we hooked up, but the next morning Jacob was under the impression we were in a relationship. Bye, bye, Jacob.

Then there was Thomas. He was a little creepy, so I just made out with him all night at one of the parties. I went back to Matt. He was tolerable, uncomplicated, and would do for the time being.

Matt and I started hanging out more than just the weekend hook up. I suppose you could say we were dating. I liked him, alright. I would never love anyone except Noah. He was the love of my life, my soul mate. No one would ever replace him.

Lisa was not happy with my choice in boyfriends. To say she hated Matt would be an understatement. She tried at least once a week to convince me to breakup with him.

“Where are you off to?” Lisa asked.

I hesitated for a minute and threw on my jacket. “Matt is picking me up and we’re going for a bite to eat. You want to go?”