Praying for Grace (3 page)

“I’m coming, Abs!” I called out.

“Zoe, quick!” shrieked the girl. “Zoe!” She sounded frantic.

By now I was at the doorway to the room. I rushed in and looked about trying to assess the problem. Aside from Abbey holding the baby tightly, with tears running down her cheeks, nothing particularly seemed amiss.

“What is it?” I asked sharply.

“S...S…Susan. She stopped breathing and I can’t wake Nathan up.”

I felt a chill climb my spine as I turned to face the sleeping couple. I knew instantly that they were both dead by the gray tone of their skin and their stiff postures. They still lay side by side and Nathan had both hands wrapped around one of hers.

“Abbey, get into the other room,” I said quietly, my voice intentionally calm yet firm. “Take the baby.”

“What’s wrong with them?” sobbed the girl.

“Boggs is in the far back room. Take Emmett and get him,” was all I said in reply.

Emmett continued to fuss and I could tell he was about to cry loudly.

“Abbey! Go, now!” I raised my voice.

Finally, she left the room. I knew she was scared, but there was no time to coddle or pussyfoot around the elephant sitting in the room. I walked to my friends, whose bodies lay semi-upright against one another. I never looked away, knowing that the inevitable would be near. I studied them both, beginning with Susan. The cloth that Nathan had tied against her head now lay upon her shoulder. It was saturated with her blood, as was her arm and part of Nathan’s shirt. I wondered if she had bled to death. I turned my eyes to him next. His forehead rested upon her side, as if he had slumped against her for comfort as he died. I looked down toward the floor and realized they were both sitting in a pool of crimson. Sitting in the middle of that pool, between their thighs, was Nathan’s knife. In looking closer, I realized he had slit his wrists. I closed my eyes for just a moment. When I opened them, I reached a hand out to touch the flesh of Susan’s arm. She was cold and didn’t respond. Keeping my hands upon her, I again closed my eyes and focused. I searched with my mind for any trace of the woman I had come to call a friend, and who now shared my blood, or even for a trace of the monster I knew she was doomed to become. I sensed neither.

“Zoe.” It was Boggs.

I withdrew my hand from Susan’s arm and looked back up at the dead lovers.

“She died Boggs. I’m sorry.”

“What about Nate?”

“Slit his wrists.”

“You need to back away,” he said quietly.

“I know.”

I stood and took two steps back.

“I can’t feel her, Boggs. I tried to feel her, but there’s nothing in my head anymore.”

“Maybe she won’t turn.”

“No. She will. And so will Nate. She has my blood in her, Boggs. I could feel her before. Almost like how I could feel Gus, but he was like a fire in my soul and she was just a spark. She’s gone now.”

“What do you think happened?” he asked.

“There’s a lot of blood. Not just from him. I think her wound was worse than we thought and she bled out. I think he decided he just couldn’t live without her.” I turned to face him. “I’m sorry, Boggs. I know she held a special place in your heart.”

He took a deep breath and put his hands on his hips. “Yes, she did. This is going to hit Abs hardest, though.”

“Is she with Danny?”

“Yes.”

“Is that thing down there dead?”

“I took care of it.”

“We need to make sure these two don’t wake up.” I took a deep breath, stepped forward, and picked up the knife that lay in the blood of our friends.

“I’ll take care of it, Boggs. You were too close to her. We’ll mourn them later.”

“I can help, Zo. Really.”

He stayed in the room with me. I didn’t wait for him to take the initiative, knowing that it would be unfair for him to have to do what needed to be done. He had shared too much with Susan in the past.

“I’m sorry, Susan,” I whispered as I knelt down and cupped the back of her head in one of my hands and pulled forward, exposing the back of her neck. “You didn’t deserve this,” I said quietly as I slid the blade of the knife in at the base of her skull, aiming upward toward her brain. It took more force than I had expected and the sound and feel of metal against skull made me cringe.

“Zo?” Boggs sounded like he was holding back tears.

“Yeah?”

“Why would Nathan do this, knowing it’d put all of us at risk?”

I looked up at him. I hadn’t a good answer. “I guess he wasn’t thinking. This world has fucked us all up a bit.” I didn’t want to get angry with the man who had fallen in love with Susan, and who had become family to us all. I didn’t want to think of the why’s or the how’s or the what-if’s. I pulled the knife from the back of Susan’s head, resulting in a loud “glop.” The noise was accompanied by a low grumble to my left. I looked over at Nate and saw one of his hands, still holding onto Susan’s, twitch.

“Boggs, he’s waking up,” I said with alarm in my voice.

“I’m on it,” he answered as Nathan’s eyes opened. While he seemed to look directly at me, his gaze was already clouded over. I experienced no intrusion within my mind. I did, however, experience a deep sadness that left me near frozen in place.

Before I reacted to the newly risen dead, Boggs was on top of him, holding him back.

“I need the knife,” he said, too calmly.

Nathan was beginning to growl and thrash with a good amount of force. I could tell that Boggs was beginning to struggle to maintain control. I could hear Abbey and Emmett both crying from the other room. Boggs began bashing Nate’s head against the wall.

“Fuck, Zo! Give me the goddamn knife!” he yelled in irritation.

I stood and quickly positioned myself to one side of Boggs.

“Hold his head steady,” I said quickly.

I raised the knife that was still bloodied from Susan and prepared to bring it down upon Nathan’s head.

“Up through his throat, Zo. Quick,” he urged.

Boggs held one hand on the dead man’s forehead and the other beneath his chin. Nathan’s bloodied and wounded arms were thrashing wildly now. I shoved the blade up into the soft flesh of his neck, aimed at the base of his head. Anywhere else would be too hard to penetrate from the front. The blade lodged into the base of his skull, not yet doing enough damage to fell the dead man. I gave it another forceful shove with my hand, finally stilling our friend.

“Fuck,” mumbled Boggs, now out of breath.

“I don’t want Abbey to see this,” I said.

“Give her more credit. She’s a tough kid.”

“I’ll go talk to her,” I offered.

“Send Danny in? He can help me haul the bodies out.”

I left the room without answering. Abbey and Danny were huddled in a far corner of the living room. Danny was holding Emmett, who was crying shrilly now.

“Boggs needs you in the other room, Danny,” I said without emotion.

I reached for Emmett. Danny and Abbey both stood.

“No, Abbey. Stay here with Zoe and the baby,” said Danny.

She didn’t argue with him. I took the baby and walked to the couch with him. Abbey followed us. We both sat on the tattered sofa and as I began nursing Emmett, Abbey wiped tears from her face.

“Are they dead?” she asked.

“Yes. Abbey…” my voice trailed off.  I watched the baby feed for a moment before looking up at the heartbroken girl. “I’m so sorry. I know you loved them both.”

She nodded. “What happened?” she asked, her voice sounding so much like a little girl that my own heart sank in my chest.

“I think Susan’s head wound was worse than we thought. I think she bled too much. Nathan decided he couldn’t live without her, so decided to leave us.”

“He killed himself?” she choked out.

I nodded. “I won’t lie to you, Abs. You’re grown up enough now and you have a right to know. It was his choice to leave. It didn’t mean he didn’t care about you. He just wasn’t ready to keep living this life without Susan. I truly believe that.”

“Can I see them?”

“Of course. We’ll have a funeral. Wait till then, ok?”

“What will we do next? Are we staying here?” she asked as she wiped tears from her face.

“I’m not sure, sweetie. I’m just not sure.”

“I don’t like it here.”

“Me either,” I agreed.

I figured that like me, she was saving the bulk of her tears for another day. This new world had hardened us all.

The rest of the day was spent preparing for the funeral. Abbey did an excellent job of holding it together up until it was time to light the bodies on fire. We had discussed burial, be it on land or sea, versus cremation and in the end Abbey had been the one to decide. She said that their ashes being mixed together would leave them forever connected. Danny found two small drums of oil in a shed that sat not far from the old house. They looked old but Boggs agreed with Danny that it would fuel the fire. Abbey cleaned the bodies the best she could using water from a small pond behind the house. She cried quietly from time to time, and we all allowed her to mourn in whatever way she needed. I offered to wait inside with her while the bodies burned, but she insisted on staying to watch.

The fire was lit at dusk. The plume of smoke that resulted from the old oil was thick and black, making us all wish we had waited till it was darker. Chances of anyone making their way to the island were remote, but it was still disconcerting to send up a beacon that might announce our whereabouts.

As the fire was finally fading, hours later, and dark had settled, the five of us went back inside. Danny and Boggs went to the back room to seal off the cellar full of death and stench. I stayed with Abbey in the living room, making use of the old battered sofa. She finally fell asleep leaning against me. Danny and Boggs eventually joined us in the living room. Danny sat beside Abbey and pulled her against him as she slept, freeing me. Boggs took Emmett from me, allowing me to stand.

“Come outside with me for a minute?” he asked in a whisper, trying to not wake the baby or Abbey.

I stood, stretching as I did so. I followed Boggs through the kitchen and eventually out the front door.

“What’s up?” I asked, followed by a yawn.

“I didn’t want to talk in front of Abs. Yesterday morning when we brought the bodies out, we got rid of the Roamer that had attacked Sue. We dumped it way back behind the lighthouse.”

“You didn’t want to burn it?”

“We thought it’d be in bad taste to have it in the pyre with Nate and Sue.”

“Good thinking.”

Emmett squirmed in Boggs’ arms. I went to reach for him, but Boggs turned slightly to keep me from taking him.

“You need to rest. Let me take him for a bit?”

“Is he asleep?”

“He is.”

“We need to get supplies. I want to stock up on formula for him. It’ll mean going back to the mainland.”

Boggs looked at me sideways. “Why formula?”

“Because right now I’m the only one who can feed him. If I die, he won’t make it.”

“C’mon. Don’t talk like that, Zo.”

“We have to talk like that. You know I’m right.”

“Yeah, I guess so, but I want you to promise me you’ll never stop trying to live.”

“I’m not talking about checking out. Gus and Nathan both did, but not me. It’d be too easy. As long as one of you is left and I’m not the last one standing, I’ll keep struggling.”

“Good.”

“Are we staying here?”

“I think for now, yes,” he answered.

“We’ll have to clean up the kitchen and eventually that cellar. It stinks. And I don’t want Abbey having to see the blood in the kitchen every day.”

“Fair enough. Tomorrow morning we’ll scour the island. Make sure no one’s lurking. Then we can head in to the mainland to scavenge up supplies,” said Boggs.

“Will we all go?”

He shook his head. “I think it’s too risky with the baby crying. You should stay here with him. I’ll need both Danny and Abbey with me, though. I hate to leave you here alone, with no way off the island and just the supplies we brought.”

“I think we have to, though,” I said calmly.

“We’ll try to be back before nightfall, but if it takes us till the next day don’t panic, ok?”

I nodded. “This sucks,” I mumbled. “This all just sucks so much.”

Cradling Emmett in one arm, Boggs held his other out for me. I walked to him and let him hold me.

***

Our now significantly smaller group spent the remainder of the night in the living room of the old house. The night proved cold. Boggs and I slept very near each other, keeping the baby between us for warmth. I took comfort in Boggs’ familiarity.  Abbey woke twice during the night, crying out, once for her sister Kelsey and once for Nathan and Susan. I tried to get up to go to her, but Boggs held me back and whispered to let Danny care for her.

Once signs of daylight began creeping in through the dirty windows, I hoisted myself off the floor and stretched. Sleeping on the hard surface had taken its toll and my muscles ached. I lifted the sleeping baby from where he was snuggled up to Boggs. I took him to an empty corner of the room, where I laid out a receiving blanket with my free hand. I laid him down on the floor and began to change his diaper. Waking up, he opened one of his eyes and looked at me. He was beginning to gain weight and it showed in his cheeks. He began smacking his lips and sticking his tongue out, signaling that he was ready to eat. I hurried with his new diaper and helped him latch on before he could make much noise, wanting to let the others sleep. Walking with him as he nursed, I went into the kitchen. I glanced at the blood on the floor and wondered how we’d clean it. I made a mental note to ask Boggs to try to bring back some bleach, in the off chance they ran across any. It could come in handy for a lot of things. I sat in a corner with Emmett, who was now wide awake. He sneezed twice.

“Bless you,” I whispered.

He curled his mouth into what resembled a smile, but I knew he was too young to do so. Not long after, he wrinkled his face, turned red, and passed gas.

“Feel better?” I asked. I watched him for a long moment. “What are we going to do with you?” I asked him, not expecting an answer.

“Morning,” said Boggs as he entered the room and joined us.

“Hey.”

“Abbey and Danny are getting up. We’re going to head out to check the rest of the island.”

“Ok.”

“The three of us will head back to the mainland right after, as long as seas are calm enough.”

“Just come back, ok?”

“We will.”

I looked up at him and offered a weak smile. “Take care of Abs?”

“You know I will.”

***

The island being small and bare of any significant vegetation, clearing it of danger didn’t take more than about an hour. We could see dense mist rolling in from the west, so Danny and Boggs insisted they leave to avoid the fog bank. Waters were as calm as we could expect, according to Danny. The tide was coming in, and the vessel was at the water’s edge. I stayed above while the other three climbed down the rickety steps to the shore. Abbey boarded the canoe first and sat as Boggs and Danny shoved off. I waved as they paddled away from me. I stood there with Emmett in my arms and watched the people who had become my heart vanish from my sight.

During the brief walk back to the small house, the fog bank crept up quickly. As it approached us, I quickened my steps to the doorway and finally the baby and I were inside. I had promised Boggs that we would stay inside with the door locked as much as possible. I already felt so very alone, despite the baby in my arms. I fed and changed him before wrapping him in a receiving blanket and tucking him in on the old sofa. I put one of the backpacks that Danny and Boggs had left with me beside him to keep him from rolling off onto the hard floor. I went to the back room that housed the cellar and pulled the large piece of muslin off of the furniture pile. While using it to cover the blood in the kitchen came to mind, I knew we’d need it for warmth. Resources were too scarce to use on things like covering up a death scene.

While Emmett slept, I went through the furniture pile. Most of it wasn’t salvageable as furniture, but I did find a dresser drawer that I brought out to use as a makeshift bassinette. I lined it with receiving blankets and hoped it wouldn’t be too uncomfortable for the little guy. I organized the contents of the crates, which left us with a pile of books, some expired canned goods, old newspapers, and a couple more flashlights. One of the best finds was a large Ziploc bag half full of candles.

***

It was a long day sorting the meager supplies and caring for baby Emmett. Once the fog settled, it lingered. Emmett had been awake for hours and was finally sleeping again, now in his dresser drawer. I left him in the living room while I gathered some old newspapers and Nathan’s lighter. I started a small fire in the living room fireplace since the chill of evening was creeping into the old house. I also used the knife I had salvaged from Nathan to pry open a can of corn. The expiration was nearly two years prior, but we didn’t have the luxury of being picky. I ate half and set the rest aside for later. I also drank a full sixteen ounce bottle of water that I found in one of the backpacks.

I decided to leave the baby inside to stay warm by the fire while I went outside to relieve myself. I figured he should sleep for another hour or two, if I was lucky. I walked out into the cool evening air that was still heavy with moisture. The fog was dense and formed a dark white veil all around me. It was not only intimidating, but also somewhat disorienting. I walked around the side of the house and squatted to do my business. It was eerily quiet. I could hear the ocean waves as they crashed against the shore below, but aside from that even sea birds were remaining noiseless. Once finished on the side of the house, I stood and listened. A wave hitting the shore in the distance. They always came in groups of three, followed by a brief lull. My own breathing. Silence. Three waves. Why I was listening so intently, I wasn’t sure. My breathing. Three waves. My breathing. Rocks falling. It was faint, but I was sure I heard rocks tumbling down the cliff face. My first thought, and hope, was that the others were returning. I considered running in the direction of the cliff to call down to them, but I knew in my heart that they would not have chanced finding the island again in dense fog. They would be settling in on the mainland for the night, hopefully secured in a building. I could barely see the house behind me and didn’t dare walk farther into the mist. Three waves. I held my breath. Three waves. I had to breathe. More rocks falling. I closed my eyes and focused my mind. Nothing enlightening. Three waves. My own breathing. Three waves. Footfalls in the distance. I held my breath again. I knew I needed to turn and run, but feared that whatever was approaching would then be better able to locate me. Perhaps it would be best to stay still and not lead whatever horror was coming my way to the baby. He’d cry. He’d be hungry and stay soiled and grow cold, but he’d be alive if I sacrificed myself. With luck the others would return and be able to save him. Three more waves. I exhaled. The ground crunching under feet. Inhale. Wave. Footfall. Exhale. Wave. Footfall. My entire body tensed as the footfalls grew louder. I didn’t want to see whatever was about to take my life. I clenched my eyes closed tight and remembered my promise to Boggs. I would always try to live. I hoped he would understand that I had chosen the life of baby Emmett over my own, but that in the end I had indeed chosen life. I clenched my fists and held my breath, waiting. There was still time to run, but if I did the creature may home in on the baby. I couldn’t allow that. Wouldn’t. I blew one last breath out, then drew one last in. I listened to the waves. One. Footfall. Two. Footfall. Three. Running. I stood my ground, holding my breath. I knew the creature was near. At the last moment I decided to face my death head-on. I held my breath in, but opened my eyes and looked into the wall of white that surrounded me. The lull between wave sets ended, and as a new round crashed against the shore below, a figure broke the mist. It stopped short as if surprised to see me. I finally exhaled and the lone figure stumbled forward, colliding with me. My blood ran ice cold and my peripheral vision went black.

“Zoe, my God,” sobbed Gus.

I wasn’t able to answer.

“I wasn’t sure I’d find you in time,” he continued, overcome by emotion and barely able to speak.

My lost lover clung to me in desperation. His hands stroked my back firmly, almost uncomfortably.

“We have to leave, baby. We have to go, now.”

He finally let go of me and looked me in the eyes. I stared back at him, blankly. Breathing was difficult.

“You’re dead,” I finally mumbled. “You’re dead!” I started to shout, getting angry.

“We can talk about it later, darlin’. Right now we have to go.”

“No,” I said, confused and pissed off. At what exactly, I wasn’t sure.

“Look at me, Zoe,” he said firmly. “They’re coming. We have to leave.”

“You shot yourself, Gus. You left me and you shot yourself!” I screamed.

“No,” he said, putting his palms on either side of my face.

I slapped at his chest with my own hands, pushing him away.

“Fuck, Gus! You walked away from me and shot yourself!” I screamed louder.

“Stop it,” he said firmly. “Stop!”

He forced me against his chest, wrapping his strong arms around me tightly. The best I could do to fight back was to weakly hit at his back. He kept a firm hold on me until I finally began to calm down.

“How are you alive, Gus?” I finally squeaked out. “I heard the gun. I felt you leave me.”