Prayer (18 page)

Trey just shrugged, but Carmen said, “I was up anyway, and it’s really going off out there. I couldn’t pass it up.”

“So why aren’t you out there?”

“Just hanging out for a minute, talking to Trey. Right, buddy?” Carmen turned and smiled at their nephew.

Trey shrugged again. The happy-go-lucky little boy had turned into a sullen teenager at some point.

“Katrynn not coming out?” Carmen asked.

John would have liked her to join them, but she was more of a body-boarder, one who thought the ocean was only for summer, and he’d gotten her on a real board only once so far. It hadn’t gone so well.

“Nope. She’s going into work for a couple of hours.”

Carmen picked up her board and walked over to Trey. Hooking her arm over his neck, she said, “C’mon fellas. Let’s get wet.”

John stood and picked up his board. They all fastened their leashes to their ankles. As they walked in a row toward the water, Carmen said, “I hope you didn’t break her.”

Trey guffawed at that, and John turned and frowned at his sister.

“Please?”

“You are loud, little brother. Scared the birds. Trey, too.”

Now Trey frowned, though he was still laughing. “Nuh-uh!”

Not knowing whether to be embarrassed, irritated, or proud, John rolled his eyes. “Just doin’ it right.”

“Sounds like it was her doin’ it right. Didn’t hear
her
screaming.”

At that, Trey had finally had enough. “Can we not, you guys? You’re old and it’s gross.”

Carlo and Luca had ridden a wave in together and were close to the shore. They waved and straddled their boards, prepared to paddle back out.

“This conversation is definitely at an end,” John declared and ran into the water to catch up with his brothers.

~oOo~

As it usually did, John’s mind wandered far away during the homily at Mass later that morning. He sat between his father and Luca and contemplated the family all around him: they were grandfather and grandmother, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, daughters, sons, cousins. Rosa and her family were in town for the baby shower and in attendance here this morning. Among them, just on their side of the church, they were fourteen people taking up two pews—not counting Theo or Manny, neither of whom attended Mass except on special occasions. Across the aisle were Nick and Bev, and their three girls, and Nick’s mother, Aunt Betty.

He was absolutely surrounded by family. He wanted to share this, the growth of the next generation. He wanted to share
in
it. With Katrynn. It was too soon—by any reasonable standard, two months was too soon to make big life decisions, and he’d made the mistake before of moving too quickly and exploding a relationship he’d thought was solid. He’d made that mistake more than once in his life.

But Katrynn was different. What was between them was different. He felt it. This wasn’t him feeling impatient to make the life he wanted. This was him feeling impatient to make the life he wanted with Katrynn.

He didn’t want to play the game. He wanted just to say what he wanted—to be honest, to lay himself out there so she knew she could trust him. This morning, he’d almost asked her to move in with him, but he’d held back, knowing she wasn’t ready for that.

This was where he always got tangled up: even though he wanted to just be straight, to be open, to set aside games, there had to be trust for that to work. It was a paradox, and it made no sense, but as far as he could tell, too much honesty was scarier to women than too little. If he was honest and said what he was feeling before a woman was ready to believe it, then trust was lost.

This was why he didn’t understand women. They made no sense.

But he understood Katrynn. He did. He read her body like a book. Like a poem. A prayer. He had learned to see her mood in her eyes, to anticipate her needs beyond the bed.

He therefore knew that she was not ready to believe in his commitment to her. So he was left playing the game, holding back so that he didn’t push her faster than she could go.

It wasn’t that he didn’t understand her, it was that she didn’t understand him—or, no. It was that she didn’t trust her understanding.

As much as he thought he understood her, more than any other woman he’d known, to whom he wasn’t related by blood (and honestly, his sisters were mysteries of their own category), Katrynn presented one true puzzle: she was so open in every other respect. Completely relaxed. Whether they were on a road trip, or hanging out watching a movie, or at a restaurant for dinner, they had a perfect ease together. He knew she loved him, because she treated him with love and affection. She was joyful in his company, and she sought him out first when she was stressed or unhappy. He made her happy, as she made him.

But she held back that small corner of herself, where word and commitment resided. Where belief resided—the belief in them, in their love. Even when the proof of it sat right before her, she couldn’t believe.

Carina squealed unhappily just then, and John turned and watched as Bev and Nick had a silent, intense negotiation, and then Nick stood with the baby in his arms and helped his now obviously pregnant wife to her feet. She took the fussing Carina from him and hurried down the aisle toward the quiet room. Nick sat down and moved Lia to his other side, then put his arms around each of his older daughters. The girls leaned against their father, snug in his arms. Lia, wearing a cute little white dress with blue dots and shiny little blue shoes with lacy white socks, sucked her thumb. She was so damn cute. She could be a little demon, but she did it with the kind of smile that made you completely forgive the destruction in her wake.

John needed to solve the puzzle of Katrynn. Because he wanted all of that. With her.

First, though, he just wanted to be assured that he would go to sleep with her every single night and wake up with her every single morning.

~oOo~

“It’s a cute song.” John laid his guitar in its hard case, closed the lid, and flipped the clasps closed. He’d always liked that sound.

“She was excited about it all week, but yesterday, she was scared. I’m worried that she’ll change her mind.” Katrynn neatened the little stack of handwritten music and got up from her keyboard. She didn’t shove it between the bookcases anymore. Now it stayed out all the time; they played together often.

“Does Bev know about it?”

“I don’t think so. It’s supposed to be a surprise. But I hate for Elisa to go through all the work she did and then be too afraid to see it through to the best part. She worries a lot.”

“You went through a lot of work, too. It’s actually a good song.”

Katrynn waved him off. “Yeah, it is. But it wasn’t work. I like doing that stuff—and I liked doing it with you.”

Bev and Nick’s oldest girl had made a lullaby for her little brother, who was expected to arrive late in the summer, a few weeks after Carina’s first birthday. Katrynn, who was teaching Elisa piano a couple of evenings a week, had helped her shape the words into a song, and had put the five-year-old’s sweet words to music that Elisa could, with help, play. John had helped out, mainly as an ear while Katrynn was working out the tune, and today he would be providing some accompaniment of strings and voice.

The song, and the performance today at the baby shower, was Elisa’s gift to her mother. All of it had been Elisa’s very own idea.

John hoped there would be lots of tissues nearby, because the song, as well as the gesture itself, was very sweet and touching, and most of the women in his family were criers. Adele and Betty would probably need IV fluids afterward.

He caught Katrynn’s arm and pulled her close. “You’re amazing, you know that?”

“So are you.” She smiled, but she said the words like an afterthought and turned away, and he caught her other arm and made her face him again.

“No, baby. You are amazing. I am amazed by you.”

Now she really smiled, the happy one that turned up the wattage of her face, and she slid her arms from his hold so she could wrap them around his neck. The sheet music was still in her hand; it rustled lightly at his ear. “You make me happy.”

“That’s all I want to do.” He took hold of her ass and bent his head to kiss her. As the kiss deepened, he began to drag the hem of her skirt up her legs, and Katrynn pulled back a fraction of an inch.

“If we’re late, Elisa will panic.” Her lips danced over his as she spoke.

His fingers reached her ass and found no silk. He explored more until he found a scrap of lace. Sweet fuck, she was wearing a thong. Maybe the black one. Yeah, it felt like the black one.

“We won’t be late. I’m too hot for you right now to last long enough to make us late.”

~oOo~

“Uncle John, I was scared you weren’t coming!”

John picked Elisa up and gave her a squeeze. She was wearing a different dress from the little blue one she’d had on at church. Bev liked to dress her girls up. “Sorry we’re late, lollipop. We were making sure everything was exactly perfect. Is it still a surprise?”

“Uh-huh. Mamma doesn’t know a thing. But I’m scared and I don’t wanna do it by myself. I’m not good enough for that.”

“I think your mamma would love it if you did it by yourself. You wrote a pretty song and learned to play it. That’s a big deal.”

“I didn’t write it. I’m not that good at writing yet. I can only write my name and Lia’s name and Mamma and Papa and Cuddles. And Carina too but my Rs go the wrong way. I said it and Katrynn wrote it and helped me with the playing part.” She put her hands on his cheeks. “And you helped, too.”

“I did. And I’m here to help today. Whenever you’re ready.”

“I want to do it now because I’m scared and Papa says when you’re scared you should face your fear and that means that you shouldn’t wait until you get even more scared than you already are.” She took a breath. “I don’t wanna get more scared.”

“Okay. Well, Katrynn is saying hi to your mamma and nonna. When you guys are ready, you let me know.” He kissed her cheek and set her down, and she ran off in the direction of the kitchen, where the women were.

“You’re so great with kids. You need some of your own.” Rosa came up beside him.

He smiled and put his arm around his baby sister. “Hey, Cookie. You look a lot better than you did this morn…” He stopped and leaned back, giving her a critical once-over. When she blushed, he knew. For the last several years, the women in his family had been dropping babies left and right. He was starting to recognize the signs. “Shit, Rosie,” he laughed. “Are you?”

She smiled and popped him in the gut. “Shut up. It’s early yet and we’re not saying until after the ultrasound. Not after last year.”

She’d had a miscarriage, a pretty late one, the year before. She and Eli had a three-year-old son, Teddy, and that pregnancy had been smooth and easy. Rosa wasn’t one who could keep news in her pocket, so when she’d gotten pregnant again as soon as they’d started trying for a second, she’d told the world while she still had the test stick in her hand.

When the baby died four months in, she was well into the preparations. Rosa also liked to shop. A lot. She’d had a house full of things for a baby who hadn’t come home.

Thinking of all that, John gave his little sister a tight hug. “I love you, Cookie. It’s gonna be fine this time.”

She punched him again while he still held her. “Shut up. You’ll jinx it. And I just don’t want a fuss. In another month or so, if everything’s okay, we’ll tell people. And anyway, this is Bev’s day. I don’t want anybody talking about me today, especially not what happened last year.” She gave him a fierce look. “Don’t say anything to anybody, I mean it. I will sneak into your house and unstring all your guitars if you do.”