Pray for Silence (16 page)

Impatient with myself for feeling more than I should for this girl I’ve never met, I skim several pages, looking for a name or clue that will tell me his identity. I end up in mid-July.

July 15

I sneaked out of the house last night. I was so scared! I don’t want to disappoint
Mamm
and
Datt.
How I wish for their blessing! I know they would grow to love him as much as I do. He was waiting for me at the end of the lane. He took me to Miller’s Pond, then we sat on the hood of his car and talked until the small hours of morning. I feel as if I’ve known him my entire life. I want to marry him!

July 16

My feelings for him scare me even more than the sneaking out. On the days I don’t see him, I’m sad. I know
Mamm
and
Datt
have noticed. How can I tell them I love a man who is not Amish?

July 17

I sneaked out and we went to a club in Columbus. I wore English clothes and drank alcohol. I know it is wrong, but I felt so sophisticated. He taught me how to dance! I didn’t want to leave. It was the most exciting night of my life!

July 18

He met me at the park for lunch. We held hands and he kissed me. I know it’s wrong, but I let him touch me. All the places a man touches a woman. I thought I would be embarrassed, but I wasn’t. When I got back to the shop, I was afraid Mrs. Steinkruger would know what I’d been doing. All she did was yell at me for being late.

July 20

It happened today. I sneaked out and we went for a moonlight drive. He took me to Miller’s Pond. Then we made love. It hurt, and there was blood. I had to wash my underclothes so
Mamm
would not find out. Sex before marriage is against the
Ordnung.
If I was found out, I would be expelled from the church. I would be let back in only after I confessed in front of everyone. I’m so confused. I feel guilty, but I love him. I pray for God to forgive me.

July 27

I haven’t seen him for a week. I can’t stop crying. I wait for him every day, but he never comes. Does he not understand how much this hurts me?

August 2

I sneaked out and he took me to a club in Columbus. We danced and danced. Later, he took me to the car and I lay with him again. I’m so confused!

August 7

I told him it was wrong for a man and woman to be together before their vows. He laughed when I told him I want to marry him. I was so angry I walked all the way back to the shop.

August 10

He apologized! He even brought me a gift, a necklace with a lavender stone. I will treasure it always. I wore it to the club and we danced. I drank wine, but this time it made me so dizzy I couldn’t walk or speak. We went to the car and made love. I barely remember. Next time, no wine!

August 12

He loves me! I’ve been waiting for him to say the words as I could not say them first. He took me to a motel. Our lovemaking was the best ever. How I want to tell
Mamm
and
Datt
about him!

August 16

We went to the motel after the club. Even though I drank only water, I couldn’t walk. I don’t remember lying with him. (Maybe I am not getting enough sleep?)

August 21

Mamm
and
Datt
sat me down and talked to me. They’re worried. I was so upset I was shaking. I want to tell them about my beau, but I know they won’t approve. Maybe I could speak to Bishop Troyer. Maybe he would help them to have a more open mind. How can love be wrong?

August 24

I sneaked out again. We drank beer and by the time we arrived at the club, my head was spinning. I tried to dance, but fell down. He teased me about my wild ways. I couldn’t stop laughing. He had to carry me to the car. Still, it was wonderful to be in his arms. I hope God forgives me for my offenses!

August 28

He took me to a party in another town. The wine was strong, and when we arrived I could not walk or speak. He had to carry me inside. The party was strange. I remember bright lights and music. He made love to me. I think he took pictures. I was embarrassed, but he said they’re only for him, for when he misses me. I don’t want to do that again.

August 29

I didn’t make it home until daylight.
Mamm
and
Datt
know I sneaked out. Even though I’m on my
rumspringa, Datt
is angry.
Mamm
just looks at me with that hurt look in her eyes. They asked me who I was with. He told me not to tell, so I didn’t. Lying to my parents hurts me. I feel guilty about the things I’ve done. But I love him so much.

August 30

I was sick today. Nauseous and shaky. I don’t know what’s wrong. At the park, I told him I was sick and he bought me an ice cream cone. He’s so thoughtful.

September 6

I met him at midnight at the end of the lane. I was so happy to see him. He gave me champagne. It tickled my nose. But it was too strong and I don’t remember much of the night. I think he took me to some warehouse? Not sure. I remember him undressing me and tucking me into the bed the way I do little Amos sometimes.

September 8

I refused to go with him when he came to my window. I’m angry about last night. He told me it was the English way and that I was just too immature to enjoy it. I’m not wise in the ways of the English, but it felt so wrong.

September 9

I missed my time of the month. I could be with child. What am I going to do? Is this God’s way of punishing me for all the terrible things I’ve done? I’m so scared.

September 11

I’m sick today with vomiting.
Mamm
won’t let me go to work. I’m supposed to meet him tonight. How am I going to get away? I waited until midnight and went out the window. He was there, with a smile and a kiss. I love him so much. But, oh, how I wish he would stop hurting me.

September 14

He took me to the warehouse again. I cried and told him I didn’t want to go. I drank only water, but still felt as if I’d drunk a whole bottle of wine. I didn’t want to get into bed with him. It is so wrong and I feel terribly guilty. I have to stop this. Why can’t he just love me?

September 15

I woke up in the warehouse, sick and shaking. I told him I wanted to go home. He gave me water. But I think he put something in the water because after a few minutes I couldn’t think straight. He made love to me and everything got confused again.

September 19

Mamm
and
Datt
are worried.
Mamm
cried and asked me to talk to Bishop Troyer, but
Datt
said no. They made me quit my job. I don’t know how to tell them about the baby. Will they love it as much as I do?

September 21

I was so ill I could not get out of bed. I couldn’t do my chores. I don’t know what’s wrong. My brothers and sisters peeked in on me several times, but I can’t speak to them. I pray my parents will forgive me. I pray for God to forgive me.

September 22

He came to my window! I shouldn’t be, but I was so happy to see him. I sneaked out and we bought some wine. Then he took me to Miller’s Pond. We watched the stars and he gave me my first wine lesson. The bottle was in a cute little wicker thingie and came all the way from Italy! He’s so sophisticated. Later, we made love. I told him I want to marry him. I want to tell
Mamm
and
Datt
about us. He got a little angry and told me they wouldn’t understand. But I need their blessing, even if I am to leave the church. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do!

September 24

I walked all the way to town and called him from the pay phone. He met me in the park, and I told him about the baby. He got really mad. I don’t care. I love him. And I love our child. I told him I want to marry him and have his child. Forgive me, God, but I told him I would leave the Plain life to be his wife.

September 29

It’s all my fault. My pregnancy. That my life is a mess. He’s so angry with me. I think he hates me. I hoped the baby would make him love me. But everything is ruined. I pray to God for the wisdom to do the right thing.

October 2

I can’t believe he came to my window. When I went downstairs he tried not to show it, but he was mad. He called me a stupid little whore. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but I went with him. I still love him. He drove too fast and it scared me so bad I started to cry. He took me to his house and gave me wine. Afterward, I couldn’t move. I don’t remember everything that happened next. All I recall are the bright lights, but I hurt down there the next day. I think he took pictures of me. I hate myself. If it wasn’t for the baby, I might just step out in front of a car. Thank God for my baby. The child gives me strength.

October 4

He came for me, but I refused to go. He told me I was selfish. That everything is my fault. He says he loves me and our baby. But how can he when he treats me this way?

October 5

I was weak and went with him. We drove around for a long time and then we went to a fancy house in another town. He pretended not to be mad, but he was mean to me on the drive. He gave me wine. I dumped it without drinking it. I know why he drugs me now and I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

October 8

I’m so ashamed of what I’ve become. What kind of
mamm
will I be to my baby? I beg for God to forgive me. I’m going to end it. I’m going to tell
Mamm
and
Datt
everything. He met me at the end of the lane and took me to a house in town. I tried to tell him I didn’t want to see him anymore, but he wouldn’t listen. I pretended to drink the wine, but dumped it in the plant when he wasn’t looking. When he went to the bedroom, I ran from the house. I was so scared, I didn’t stop until I was out of town. I kept looking over my shoulder. Every time a car went by, I ran to the ditch and hid.

October 11

I can’t stop crying. I told
Mamm
and
Datt.
I was so ashamed I wanted to die.
Mamm
cried.
Datt
couldn’t look at me. We prayed and decided I would speak with Bishop Troyer. How can I confess my sins when they’re so terrible?

October 12

Who am I? What have I become? I hate myself. I hate him. I’m so ashamed I want to die.

October 13

I told
Datt
the rest of it. All of it. And I think that broke his heart. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. I feel so guilty and stupid. He’s going to the English police. I begged him not to. If he does, everyone will know what I’ve done. I can’t believe this is happening. Sometimes I wish I could just die.

I finish reading Mary Plank’s journal at four
A.M
. It’s like watching a movie where you know some cataclysmic event is about to happen to some hapless character you’ve come to care about. A huge meteor spinning through space, drawing closer and closer to destination Earth.

It’s indescribably sad for me to bear witness to a young Amish girl’s descent into a world she is unequipped to handle. Maybe because I discern echoes of my own past in her words. My situation was different, but the parallels are glaringly there. We broke the rules and paid the price for it. The
difference was that I didn’t have a choice in what happened to me. Young Mary made the wrong choices over and over again.

In all those pages of teenaged angst, not once did she mention her lover’s name. Not once did she reveal the kind of car he drives, the name of the club they frequented, the location of the houses they visited, or what he does for a living. At this point, I’m not even sure he had anything do with the murders. But I’m suspicious as hell. If Mary Plank forewarned her lover of her father’s plan to go to the police, he had a big motive to do away with not only her, but her entire family.

I’m a firm believer that people are responsible for their actions. They are masters of their universe. There’s no doubt Mary used poor judgment. Her only saving grace is that she was a kid. Raised Amish, she lacked the skills to deal with the world into which she let herself get dragged.

I’m betting the man she fell for was quite a bit older, much more experienced, and knew exactly what he was doing: taking advantage of her innocence, her lack of sophistication, her naïveté. Not to mention her love for him. That alone makes him a bastard in my book. It makes me want to find him and tear him apart with my bare hands.

The
clip-clop
of a hundred or more shod hooves fills the cold, late-morning air. Clouds of vapor spew from the flared nostrils of dozens of horses, frisky from the first cold front of the season.

I’ve spent the last two days in wait mode. Waiting is a big part of police work—the most difficult aspect as far as I’m concerned—and I’ll never be good at it. I’ve walked the crime scene a dozen times now, talked to the same neighbors and asked the same questions a hundred different ways. But I always get the same answers: No one saw anything. Frustration has been my constant companion. I haven’t slept much. Forget to eat half the time. And so I wait. For preliminary autopsy results. For various lab results. For fingerprints. For footwear imprint matching. Cartridge casings and bullet striation results. Hurry up and goddamn wait.