Authors: Stephanie Fowers
I backed away from them both, feeling a strange surge of disappointment. How did Byron always show me up? And without even trying? I didn’t want all guys to be this way—a big fat illusion. I flung my backpack over my shoulder and retreated to the back door of our lecture hall. I had my own reasons for taking the back way out of chemistry, and it had nothing to do with Byron. No, my reasons were recorded in
Journal Entry Number One. V-Day.
That was the day my heart broke in two. I had refused to let it rule me since.
Cameron’s class was across the hall. It had been our tradition in the beginning of the semester to meet right after class for lunch. As soon as my hands left the door in chemistry, they had found Cameron’s. I thought it was love. We had been that cute annoying couple no one wanted to be around. Was it only last spring when I had met him? All the girls had loved him. I should have guessed I’d eventually have my turn with him. In the fall, not only were we dating, but we had our own language. He’d surprise me with kisses, whisper sweet nothings. Cameron must’ve been caught up in the romance of it too because he asked me to marry him over Christmas break. That was farther than any of the others got. My mom hugged me over and over, and declared it was about time, but Cameron and I didn’t make it past V-Day. I had to hand it to him; it was a creative way to get out of buying flowers. I just wished he had bought me a ring so I could’ve thrown it in his face. Now I just avoided him like he was a Mary Kay saleswoman.
I stepped out of the back exit of the Benson building, letting the door slam behind me. That’s when my heart did that weird plummet thing it did every time I saw Cameron. It was weird how I could always pick him out of a crowd of students. He lounged against a tree ten feet away, wearing the vest I picked out for him five months earlier. He played with the ring on a beautiful blonde’s finger. His signature leather bracelet slid up his sinewy arm, and he looked smitten.
My eyes ran to this new girl. She wasn’t Kim. Kim was a beautiful brunette who had been hanging on Cameron for the last few months. A nice girl, who should have been too nice to let him cheat on me. Still, they were officially going out, so why was Cameron flirting with someone else? Number one rule, he cheats with you, he’ll cheat
on
you. Cameron chose that same moment to glance my direction. Almost simultaneously, he turned away and stepped up the flirting. The blonde took full advantage of it. Her giggles echoed past me.
Note to my war journal; today is not my day with men.
I tried to remember what all these girls saw in Cameron. I mean really, his mouth was too big, his red hair too slick. Okay, his eyes weren’t bad. In fact, they were mesmerizing, but other than that…well, he was really tall and definitely made a girl feel feminine standing next to him. He was funny and clever and listened to everything I had to say…and then one day, his interest faded.
I tried to plot my way past enemy territory down the hill to my apartments, except this time the blonde flipped her hair and led Cameron my way. That’s when I did what any sane person would do; I walked slow motion through the thickest part of the crowd to avoid him. It was a perfect spring afternoon for it. The flowers were blossoming and love should’ve been in the air. It should have been.
“Cameron?” Kim materialized from the crowd and clutched her books close, staring from her boyfriend to the girl he was flirting with. I felt like I was in a rerun, and it was me staring at Cameron with Kim.
“Got to go,” Cameron mouthed to the blonde. He squeezed her hand and headed for his stunned girlfriend. He towered over Kim. She sniffed, trying to flounce past him down the hill, her long brown hair swinging against her back.
He reluctantly joined her. Kim’s voice rose and I cringed, knowing I was about to witness a lot of tears and accusations. Why did I have to be here for it, besides the fact that lunch was down the hill and I was super hungry? I hid behind a gaggle of girls heading the same direction. “Where were you last night?” Kim asked.
Cameron sighed, his expression turning serious. “I was at the hospital. My grandfather’s sick. He had a stroke, Kim.”
“Oh.” She was silent for a moment, digesting his pity story. Now she looked like the insensitive one. Of course, I knew it was a lie. Cameron’s grandfather always got sick when he couldn’t think of a better excuse. “It’s just that…” Kim fought for words. “Why haven’t I seen you lately? Every time I want to hang out, you have homework…or work…or you’re tired.”
“I’m really busy, Kim. This is the hardest semester of my life. I thought you understood that?”
“Yeah…I do.” She rubbed at her watering eyes. “But you still hang out with your friends. It’s like you don’t want to be with me?”
Cameron looked down at his big hands and sniffed. “It’s just…I’m not ready for a serious relationship right now.”
I choked back a retort. Where had I heard that before?—oh yeah, in his break-up speech with me, almost word for word. I walked even slower. There was no way I wanted to get caught in the middle of this, but if I bailed now I’d starve for the rest of the day.
Cameron took Kim’s small hand in his, every movement gentle. “I hate this. You know I want to be with you.”
Kim turned to him, showing me a shocked profile. “Then why are you doing this?”
“I don’t feel right about us. I fought it, but I can’t see it working. There are some things I need to do with my life right now and marriage isn’t one of them.”
“But…but…I’m not ready to get married either!” She tried to reassure him, but it wouldn’t do any good. Now any threat of marriage—real or otherwise would send him running. “You’re the most amazing guy I know, everything about you is what I want.”
He licked his lips. “Okay, now you’re making me uncomfortable.”
She let go of his hand and looked contrite—he managed to look like a lost puppy. “Sorry,” she took a steadying breath. “Are…are you okay?”
He nodded, his head bent sadly. I felt the anger rise up in me. He was working her like the inexperienced violin she was. “I just don’t know if I can ever get married, but if I were to marry anyone, it would’ve been you.”
Liar!
Unless in his alternate reality, he wanted to be a polygamist because he said the same thing to me. Even a perfect girl couldn’t hold onto a guy these days. It should’ve made me feel better about all the times I got dumped, but it didn’t.
“Would you like me to walk you home?” he asked her.
She sniffed and wiped a hand across her eyes. “No.”
Cameron stepped awkwardly back and I ducked behind a group of girls, trying to blend in. He brushed past me, retreating for the gardens—slowly at first, but then faster as if incredibly relieved. He’d better hurry if he wanted to catch up with that blonde.
Kim headed blindly for our apartments. I considered skipping my lunch break, but before I could do it, she glanced back and spied me. “Madeleine?” I managed a smile back at her, trying to pretend like I didn’t hear the whole exchange—until she started crying. “I thought he cared about me!”
Oh! I jumped from the protective ranks of the girls hiding me and gave her a hug, patting her back. It felt unnatural because I had no idea how to make anyone feel better, but if anyone could empathize with breaking up with Cameron, it was me. “What’s going on?” Somehow I got out the words.
“He doesn’t want me. But...I...I came between you two. I deserve it. I just thought…I thought we were meant to be. I’m sorry that I hurt you.”
“No,” I soothed. He played her like he played me and now he was finding someone else to play. And I would’ve married such a man?
Kim sniffed and pulled away, hugging her books closer to her. My hand found her arm. I doubted she knew where she was going or who she was talking to or what she was saying, so I guided her to our apartments. “He’s confused,” she said. “He’s hurting right now. He’s not ready for a serious relationship.”
“He’s hurting?” I frowned. He didn’t hurt. “Did he
say
he wasn’t going to date anyone ever again?”
Kim nodded sadly, not getting what I was saying at all. “He can’t…because…because he just isn’t ready. He might not
ever
be ready. He’ll be alone for the rest of his life and he won’t have children or grandchildren or anybody!” The tears streamed freely down her face. She was no longer crying for herself, but for Cameron. He had her right where he wanted her.
I patted her back more firmly this time, trying hard to think. “Yeah, yeah, that poor
dear
thing,” but I didn’t mean it. “He
never
told you that he wouldn’t date anymore though, did he?”
Kim looked confused. “No…not exactly?”
“So, even if he isn’t ready to grow up to be a man like he says he isn’t…when he’s tired of living the life of a monk then he’ll go break some other girl’s heart? Is that what I’m getting from this?” I tried to stay calm.
“Oh no!” Kim’s eyes were bright as she defended the man who had just ripped her in two. “He would never do that!”
We made it across the street and were almost to the steps of our apartment complex when I turned to her. It was time she knew the truth about Cameron. It was the only way she could move on, but before I could open my mouth, a red streak jumped out at us from the railing. “Madeleine! Guess what? Cameron broke up with Kim!”
Kim jumped back about ten feet, but I took it as a matter of course. It was only Victoria. She had red hair that flared out like a flame over her shoulders and a slight build that made it easy to hide from the enemy. We called her Tory for short. It made her sound like the soldier she was. Unlike the other poor girls in our ward, we didn’t make fools of ourselves in the dating scene.
Anymore.
That didn’t stop us from making a fool of ourselves elsewhere...however.
I shrugged at Kim. “News travels fast around here, I guess.”
Day 47
1410 hours
“
The Battle of the Sexes. It’s not for crying little girls. We’ve learned that the hard way. Don’t think we haven’t had our deserters, our POWs, our casualties, but no one can break or the worst will happen...the guys could win.”
—Madeleine’s War Journal Entry (Friday, April 1st).
“Oh.” Tory tucked her hair behind her ear when she saw Kim. “Didn’t see you. Sorry.”
Kim just shrugged through her tears and I hugged her again. I wasn’t sure how to put her back together, especially since it had grown so hard to feel anything myself. “Are you going to be okay?” I asked her.
Sniffing, she nodded. “Yeah…if Cameron… well, maybe he’ll date again…when…when he feels ready…he might.” She took a steadying breath and I recognized that noble look in her eyes. I had it for about two days before I found out the truth. “And I want him to…to move on, and take chances with his heart.”
I shook my head. Yeah, I couldn’t take it anymore. How come I had to be the one who told the girls that chick flicks didn’t exist? But it was for the best. “Wow. I can’t believe he got you to buy that pathetic line?
When—
and I’m not saying
if—
I’m saying
when
he proves he’s a liar, he will
still
have your support? He’s good.”
“Oh, c’mon, Madeleine.”
“You don’t think Madeleine’s right?” Tory’s freckles stood out on her flushed face. In a different, more peaceful world, she’d be a heart-breaker. Now she looked like a punk in her red Power Ranger’s shirt, long black Chuck Taylor boots, and gray jeans.
“I just wasn’t everything he needed.” Kim’s voice broke.
“Kim.” I wasn’t sure how to explain this to a person who thought everyone was as nice as she was. “He’s a kid in a candy store. He uses girls for a high and throws them out when he hits the low.” She stared back at me with big innocent eyes that didn’t blink. “Think about all his exes and all the things he said about them?” I said. “He’s going to say the same things about you—only personalized. His new girl is an ocean while you’re some measly little river! Remember that sweet, romantic country song? Now you’re on the other end. You’re the ex who just wasn’t good enough because he got bored!”
She gulped, her face white. I’m sure she remembered everything he had said about me.
I shrugged. “Hey, it could be worse. At least you’re not a filthy old puddle like I am. I give Cameron two days tops before you won’t even cross his mind. And if you do, you’re that annoying little bug that eats away at his conscience and reminds him what a creep he is.” She gasped, and I tried not to let her pain stop me from telling her the truth. Only cold reality would save her from endless nights of crying for a guy who didn’t deserve her tears. “He’s tired of you—not because of some tragic flaw or event in his past that keeps him from truly loving you. No—because he’s a loser.”
“But…but he broke up with me,” Kim’s voice was desperate and for a moment I felt bad. I just wished I could find her a good guy and fast, but she had to learn to be strong on her own. “How could he blame me?” she said.
I lifted a shoulder. “He’ll find something against you. You trapped him. You talked too much. You wore your hair funny. You were too nice, too boring, too loud. You were too eager to please, your forehead’s sweaty. Pretty good reasons, don’t you think?”